If all first dates could be like the one I had with myself there may not be many second dates to be had. But dating would be way more productive on a personal growth level.
I left the table with 5 pages of notes. Notes. We uncovered so much stuff I had to step over it all when I rose to clear the dishes. It flowed down the hall and led us to our room. We crawled into bed, stomach full, head dizzy, heart open and aching to be held. So I literally wrapped my arms around myself and whispered sweet everythings into my own ear.
It was a beautiful evening. But the next day I had to clean up.
I took the notes and got in the car. Destination: Limantour Beach. I needed to be on the sand, with the rainy-season green hills, peppered by evergreens, rising behind me and the Pacific meeting my gaze. I huddled up against the dunes and steadied my notes against the wind.
Holy arachnid, I thought. I’ve got a lot to work on. From being too rigid to being too critical to being too focused on the needs of others, out of compassion, but also as a way to not focus on myself. I flipped through the pages of notes and wondered how we managed to eat while simultaneously regurgitating all my flaws and failings. And then my eyes were immediately drawn to a line on the lower third of page two:
You put me on a pedestal.
The Genius said that very sentence, meant as a criticism of me, on a few occasions. Probably three. Twice while I thought we were in a marriage and once when I came to know that our marriage was a sham. The comment never made sense to me. You’d think he’d be stoked to be placed on a pedestal. That he would appreciate the attention, the adoration.
I gasped, swallowing wind and sand. That’s not what I did. I completely missed his point.
The Genius is right when he says, “We don’t speak the same language”. What he meant and what I thought he meant were two different things. What he meant was that I expected too much of him on all levels. I tossed him up on a pedestal and he couldn’t stick the landing. I expected him to nail that landing every single time, and when he didn’t I tough-loved him all the way. Sometimes that works, and sometimes they run back to Mommy. He ran. To his new Happy Dancing Mommy.
But enough about him. I was intrigued by how this seemed to play out in other areas of my life. Most notably my inability to deal with weakness. It’s a problem. This coming from a girl who would pass out or vomit at the sight of an eight-legged beast. And by beast I mean anything larger than the nail on my pinkie.
Since my Dad died, or more likely since birth, I have had a real hard time handling my weaknesses or those of other people. I don’t like being in hospitals (sick = weak), I don’t like hearing people continuously lament their lot in life (woe is me = weak), or shredding their own being (I’m not good enough to… = weak). I also don’t handle shy people well. I turn my hands to the sky, shrug my shoulders and walk away. I simply don’t know how to be myself around the shys. If the shys had to battle the Shaqs for food the Shaqs would win. I have some rather large part of me that needs to be with the Shaqs. (Never in a million years did I think I would write that a large part of me needs to be with Shaq.) It must be the part of me that wants to survive.
My thoughts turned to Mr. Jackpot. We had a rough week. My upbeat nature collided with his current tendency to see only that which sucks. He typically calls me in the evening to check in, and it’s something I look forward to. Outside of family and a few close friends on the East coast, I don’t have someone who checks in on me. Barbie with Brains, The Rooster (more on her later), and Mr. Jackpot are the non-blood relations that keep close tabs on me. And I am forever grateful to them. But as the week wore on we wore on each other. I desperately wanted him to see the positive side of things and he wanted to sit with the negative.
I haven’t given you much of the back story on his tale of woe. It’s time. Met a girl, fell in love. After five years of dating he proposed. She said yes. One would think that she had been clued in to the commonly held belief that an engagement leads to a marriage. Usually with the person to whom you have become engaged. One would think.
After fulfilling the role of the fiance for five years, Mr. Jackpot woke up and realized that everything he had envisioned in and around this relationship was a mirage. He wants to be married. She didn’t. He wants to have children (like really, really wants children). She didn’t. He wants to explore, journey, marvel at a blue heron eating a fish and at a South Park episode with equal enthusiasm. She didn’t. (I have to pause…who cannot love Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman? I mean, I am a polished woman but they reduce me to a laughing/crying mess.) So now he’s 10 years in to this relationship and it’s going nowhere good.
“I don’t want children,” she says.
He thinks, Sweet. If you could have let me know 10 years ago I could have actually lived my life. Thanks for the heads up.
As you can imagine, we both have ample reason to be deeply wounded. Sharks circling kind of wounded. But that doesn’t work with my anti-weakness bent. So I put on my cheerleader outfit and grabbed my pom-poms and went at him.
“You have so much to be grateful for. Why are you so focused on what you thought your world was going to look like instead of appreciating what it is, right here, right now? You need to build upon what is working in your life.”
“Yea. Um, I’m gonna go.”
It couldn’t have been clearer to me if someone painted it on my eyeballs. If I have an issue with being weak, so be it. But I really have to tone it down when others need to explore their weaknesses. How can I be vulnerable and expect others to be vulnerable if I immediately want to step in and FIX, FIX, FIX? What I perceive as a good deed is actually perceived as a critical assessment. In this case, the assessment suggests that Mr. Jackpot fell off the pedestal I placed him on.
Here we go again…
I have GOT to stop doing THAT!
I can see this clearly because of one person: Mr. Jackpot. The biggest payoff so far in our relationship is that he is teaching me to not fear flaws or weaknesses in myself or others. But to accept them. Honor them. I will not be slayed in my animal skin dress on the floor of my cave for admitting that I’m scared or I feel insecure. It will only help others to love me, to be there for me, if I accept and love myself for who I am. When I accept my own weaknesses and flaws, I won’t be so freaked out by the flaws of those in my inner circle. Those I count on to ‘help me survive’.
How much do you want to bet that by allowing my flaws and weaknesses to bubble to the surface and stay as long as they need, I will release them in less time than it takes me to overkill an arachnid?
I think I’m getting somewhere, kittens. I’m slowly becoming less frazzled and tightly-wound and more gentle and maternal.
So, you’ll never guess what I told The Genius…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Totally none of my business BUT (dont you love that?!) I spent the first 6 months after my marriage ended, unable to be alone so I totally get it. But darling a siren goes off in my head when you describe Jackpots situation. You do have plenty of reasons to be wounded, and as it seems you are also uncovering what you need to be responsible for in your marriage so that you can heal, grow and move on. When we are able to be responsible for ourselves in any situation it gives us our power back. Now forgive me because you have shared very little about JP but it seems that he isnt being very responsible about how he too ended up in a relationship with someone who ultimately wasnt going to give him what he wants…. You are strong and upbeat and you are truly occur for me as someone who is on a journey to uncover her truth and create a great new life. The thing is that while it feels good to have someone want you – and I do get this more than you can know…. you need to surrond yourself with non victims…. and JP sounds like my ex. Nothing is ever his fault…. so eventually if its never his fault – it will be yours (I hope Im wrong btw).
The work you have been doing is beautiful. And dont beat yourself up ever for what you perceive as what you could have done better or differently with your ex. The truth is (in my opinion) that cheaters are small insecure people who require as much attention as they can get. I dont believe that you (or I for that matter) could have done anything differently. What we can do is recognize the red flags earlier about our potential partners so we dont repeat the past.
Good luck. Sending you lots of love.
JJ
JJ,
I love you. You crack me up. And you are so thoughtful and direct with your comments. I appreciate that. A lot. So sell your house and move to Marin. (I can be so demanding sometimes.)
BUT…kidding.
I’ll be revealing more about Mr. Jackpot in tonight’s post. But I also expressed to him that he may want to reply to your comment directly. I don’t wish to speak for him. (Yes, he is aware of HGM. Boy, I really put myself out there, no?) But I will speak about him and why I believe he is in my life. If Mr. Jackpot was a girl (For such a masculine guy, he does have a little chick in him, which is a really desirable trait in my opinion.) I would be equally as jazzed about spending time together. What we accomplish on a hike or on a marathon phone call exceeds the results of any counseling session I have ever had, with the exception of the one where I gave it to The Genius. We are observing how we each work through the hills and valleys of our journey and learning from each other. He’s teaching me not to judge, which is such an important trait and also very freeing. I am learning how to set boundaries because of him. He was brought to me at this time for a very specific purpose, and I him. I strongly believe that.
However, if I had not met Mr. Jackpot I would still be right here, right now. As The Genius prepares to head on the road for the next 4 months, I am reminded of how much time I have spent alone in this marriage. In 2011, The Genius and I spent about 8 weeks together, and that’s a generous estimate. Factor in the time since The Pocket Call (7 months – I CANNOT believe that it has been 7 months already!!!) and I’m basically a virgin again. Perhaps it’s not a good thing that I know how to be alone so very well. What I need to learn how to do is be withsomeone. That’s what makes me pause. I’m a terrific loner. And that’s a strength I need to honor, because I very well may be alone, without a romantic partner, for great stretches of my life. I also honor my whole self by taking great care to establish healthy boundaries.
More in the post… Thank you, JJ. You keep me honest.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Where you watching me in action when you wrote this post? This is me–to a T. I suppose we are kindred spirits in this sense–intolerant of weakness, tough on the outside, in control to the exclusion of recognizing our needs as a person.
A few weeks ago, DH and I got into a fight over something I said, and the way he responded back. I told him has it ever occurred to him that I just wanted him to hold me and reassure me, and not to solve my problems. He said “But that’s not how you operate.” He was right. Because on so many levels I like to be in control, I’m not the “hold me, I need you to reassure me” kind of woman so he responded the way he thought I wanted/needed him to respond. But admitting that I just wanted to be held was hard. Even as I was saying the words, I was flinching from them. If I did not have the voice of my therapist at the back of my head, I would have probably just stumped out and stayed mad and at the same time denying my need to be weak and to be reassured even if its just for a few moments.
So I’m giving you the high five, the standing ovation, and the cart wheel for recognizing, accepting your weakness. They’re part of you. Part of what also makes you strong. Embrace them!
G,
I SO know The Flinch. I have to get to the bottom of understanding why I would deny myself the opportunity to be vulnerable with another person, and to allow another to be a source of strength for me. What am I afraid of? I have a never-ending list of things to ponder. But whereas pre-Pocket Call I would ponder not, I now relish the opportunity to explore myself and the world-at-large. Even though sometimes it really hurts.
“So I’m giving you the high five, the standing ovation, and the cart wheel for recognizing, accepting your weakness.” I am deeply disturbed by the omission of the backbend. You’ll need to work on that.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My dear, dear Cleo, you have to forgive me but my almost late-30′s body (gasp! where did the time go?) is still recovering from that cartwheel. I am sure I will have plenty of opportunities to do that backbend for you with an extra hand stand because you rock.
G,
I don’t know why the cartwheel freaks me out more than the backbend. I guess I don’t believe my hands will hold me up and I will fall on my head, break my neck and die. I’ve got too much still to write to call it a day now!
You, me, Newport Beach, sunrise…we cartwheel and backbend our way along the sand, and before we know it we’ve got gold medals hanging around our necks and you yell into the camera, “I am so NOT going to Disney World! Buenos Aires, here we come!”
Love yourself,
Cleo
About the only thing more fascinating and awe inspiring than reading your blog is reading your comments! I want to chime in here too because like you and JJ and G, I am a strong woman too. There is a price to pay for being a woman of strength (as there is in most things). Being strong is wonderful but the not wonderful part is that we often don’t get what we need because we are are scared of being weak, we don’t like weak, weak pisses us off. But one thing I have learned is that weakness and vulnerability are two different things. It takes enormous strength to be vulnerable but it doesn’t come easy to us. It’s something we have to work at every day and sometimes we miss the mark. For most of my adult life I never got what I needed from relationships, hell, most of the time I ended up not having relationships because I was too afraid to put myself out there. Yes, Cleo you are obviously a very strong woman but it is great that you are taking the time to explore your vulnerability, it will pay off in immeasurable ways. It’s tough, I am still not great at being vulnerable but there is still time left……..
Big hug,
Dana
D,
Vulnerability. It warrants numerous posts. Every day I am faced with the opportunity to be vulnerable and, as you pointed out, I often confuse being vulnerable with being weak. Perhaps being vulnerable takes bravery and being weak takes nothing but giving away everything.
I have only scratched the surface of what it truly means to be vulnerable, but I have to say that it is a very exciting endeavor. I mean truly flat-out freaking exciting. I am getting the sense that the key to extraordinary emotional, mental and physical fulfillment is the ability to be vulnerable.
It will take some time for me to capture my experience with the Big V, but we’ll get it done, post by post. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Great post! Our stories are so similar that sometimes its a little overwhelming to read! In the beginning I was so dedicated to not being angry and to not allow my own Genious’ stupidity to tear me apart that it almost did. Don’t be afraid to feel what you need to feel, your future will be great, but right now you will do yourself a huge favour to allow yourself to be a little weak…not crying in a heap on the corner weak, but remember to allow yourself to grieve. Otherwise, like me, a year down the road something completely unrelated may occur that can catapult you back! You are brave and strong, allowing yourself to be vulnerable will only make you stronger! Sending a hug and wishes for a beautiful day.
A
A,
Thank you for keeping me tethered to the now. And for reminding me that it’s necessary to grieve, even though I don’t feel like grieving. I feel as if that gives The Genius power he ought not have. Clearly, I need to let go of that feeling. Because I believe in balance, I will also celebrate life, my children, my blessings, my friends and family (that includes you guys!) and have a hell of a lot of fun throughout this entire experience. It’s my responsibility to do so.
May I ask what it was that happened ‘a year down the road’ that was unrelated, but related? I absolutely know deep down that the very same thing would happen to me and anyone else who has experienced betrayal. I would be smacked upside the head once more, and often, should I not metabolize fully what I am experiencing. Must heal. Must heal. Must look inward. Must have fun. Must laugh. Till it hurts. Must be okay hurting.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thanks, Cleo, for another fabulous chapter on your progress – not just for you but for all who heed your gentle suggestions. Some go through life as teachers – others as perpetual students – and I do believe most of us do both. I am not a “young” adult – I am probably forty-two years your senior – but I, too, am learning so much from your writings. You have me teary one minute and giggly the next.
Thanks for taking so much time to share what is, without question, the biggest disappointment in life – betrayal by someone – husband – we truly looked up to (Thus the pedestal feeling) as our lover, protector, father of our children and someone with whom we were vowed to share for the rest of our lives!!
With love and a super abundance of respect for yuou.
Rosie
R,
Thank you! For reading, for commenting, simply for just thinking about me. That rocks.
Taking the time to share my story with all of you is a joy. An experience for which I am completely grateful. While I may have a way with words, I doubt that I can fully express how important HGM has become in my life. Here I have such support, guidance, and love which is healing, so very healing. I have a place to which I can come and pour out my heart and soul knowing that I will be safe.
So, I say again, Thank You!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
This is the first time I have posted after reading your site for a few months now. Even though I have not gone through what you have in your life, I find that your own personal exploration of yourself and your attitudes towards certain situations really resonates with me…
It has prompted me to really look at who I actually am and acknowledge how my attitude and actions impact on the ones I love, especially on my beloved partner.
So thank you from the bottom of being for opening up yourself and sharing your journey with others. I for one have been touched by your experiences.
A,
I love your name. I’ve been saying it all morning. Have your ears been ringing?
Thank you for your kind words. I am so grateful to have you here. To know that my words have had a positive impact on your life is the greatest reward I could receive for opening up my world for all to see. That is exactly why I am writing HGM. For you and me, so that we can grow, laugh and live a joyful, centered life. I hope you’ll share with us how you see your world shift as you observe yourself flowing through it, day by day.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I adore this blog. I do. I am learning so much about me through you. You are doing the work for me. I know you’ll say I need to do my own work but I don’t have time (FT job, 5 kids, working on Masters degree). You give me things to think about. You are going so deep inside your being and finding the answers to become a better you. A you that knows you. That takes a lot of work. The finished product will be so worth it.
P,
There is no right or wrong way, no absolute requirements for healing and growing. Consider me your Cliff notes. You are valiantly taking life and running with all the possibilities. I am so proud of you. I am very dedicated, no matter the distractions that may arise, to fully embracing the process of learning to love myself and live a peaceful, joyous life without drama. If I can help you by putting my words on paper to do the same then so be it. Its like community farming, we’re just growing love, that’s all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This whole thing about putting another person on a pedestal and needing to fix everything right now!!! really resonated for me. I’m not in your situation, but I noticed that I do that to my wife, and have done that to other people (both friends and partners) in the past. I also struggle with weakness, and being ok with it, most especially in myself. Life is forcing me to learn to be ok with it, though. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis recently, after more than a year of doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I spent some of that time in bed, on bedrest. Me, super woman, in bed. On bedrest. I have spent a lot of time over the past two years slowing down, and learning to stop judging myself for slowing down. I’ve also learned that I can only do exactly what I can do, and sometimes that may be a hike, and sometimes that may be a nap. I’ve had to learn to be ok with letting my partner help me get dressed sometimes. All of this is teaching me to be a whole lot gentler with other people and their weaknesses. I think that this illness is making me a nicer person. I don’t think I was awful before, but I think I’m more patient now. It seems like your experiences are doing that for you too.
K,
Most definitely! I am a much gentler person. Especially as a Mom. Perhaps more tuned in would be a better way to describe the shift. More tuned in to what others are trying to say, versus what I think they ought to be saying, and more tuned in to how my words affect others. The growth I’ve experienced through this process has been dramatic. I am changed for the better. And am so very grateful for that. Silver linings everywhere.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your personal experience with growth through adversity. I’m grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow! Did I just read about myself?