It takes a crisis to affect real behavioral change in us stubborn, pattern-prone humans. You’ve heard the stories countless times. Disease, death, near-death, divorce (I bet a guy named David came up with all the words that begin with D, and he was a tad distressed.) – these situations cause people to reevaluate their lives, to rethink how they want to be spending their time here on the blue marble. And to be better people. They more often than not accomplish their goals. I aim to be one of those people.
There’s lots about me I want to change. Take my size 11 flipper feet, for instance. Ever go to DSW and try to find size 11 shoes that aren’t made for men who like to dress a certain way? Any shoe that is girly, but comes in a size 11, looks absurd on my human snow shoes. And then there’s the toe nail fungus on my left big toe. The big toe that’s really big for a girl. Gosh, that is just so hot.
Stretch marks? Got ’em. That little pouch that once held a 23 inch boy and a 22.5 inch boy is holding steady. Obviously very content to perch at my center, like a little cushion for my tender core. It’s heinous. It laughs in the face of 3 sets of planks held for 3 minutes, 3 times a week. (You know how I feel about 3s.) Pilates? Whatever. I could probably lop it off and it would come running right back yelling, Mommy!
I’m not even going to get into the state of my breasts. It’s a state I haven’t yet identified.
There’s not much I can do about that stuff without 50 grand and a desire to go under general anesthesia for kicks, giggles and vanity. But for free, I can change a whole bunch of ‘stuff’ that would really improve my quality of life. (Which is not to say that kicks, giggles and vanity won’t win out at some point down the road.) The trick is, I have to identify what it is I want to change. I have to go back in time, back into my marriage, back into the decades that preceded it and identify situations that upended me, understand my role in creating the situation and how I reacted. And then I have to go deeper. I have to look at why I reacted a certain way. When I get the answers to the whys I can look for patterns. Patterns solve cases. Need for change identified.
And that’s exactly what happened when I took 10 minutes outside, under the clouds tonight. (Thanks, clouds, for blowing my opportunity to see the Lyrids meteor shower which was epic, according to what I READ. Err.) 10 minutes. Bam. I was immediately flooded with images of me hovering over The Genius while he was preparing a meal, or hanging a painting, or researching for a big meeting. I was always offering my direct orders guidance on issues ranging from home maintenance to The Family Genius. I was always around to say “you should”.
So, I’m just a big helper, right?
Nope. I looked deeper.
I didn’t trust The Genius. I expect you’re all chuckling now. With good reason, right? Maybe there’s an argument to be had there. I didn’t trust him because he was untrustworthy. But what if it’s because I didn’t trust him on any level that a fatal division was created in our relationship?
I bet it was before we were even engaged that The Genius stopped offering to drive. I didn’t trust him behind the wheel of a car. He never had an accident while we were together, but all it took was a blown stop sign and a tendency to hang in the left lane of a highway to have me become a brake-pumping and gasping passenger from hell, which does not bring a couple closer. No.
I didn’t trust him in the kitchen, and The Genius can cook. I still found myself hovering, asking him not to cook the garlic too long or to put the fresh herbs in last. I’m a rules follower. You don’t drive in the left lane unless you’re passing, and you put the fresh herbs in toward the end of cooking. Any other way meant certain death. Or at least I acted as if that were the case.
When it comes to his job, nobody does it better than The Genius. I knew that, but when I look back I can see how he would interpret my questions about certain business matters as being driven by my lack of trust that he could handle them on his own. Because that’s exactly how I felt. I just didn’t know it at the time.
Yes, I had reasons to not trust The Genius from early on. Like his dalliance with The Shamrock in year one. But I took those reasons and spread them around like jam to the rest of our relationship. From present-buying to gardening to vacation planning, I made our world a trust-free zone. That’s really tragic.
I can’t do that again. Not with my children (No more assistance on that 2000 piece puzzle, kid! Get that blindfold back on and trust yourself!), my family and friends, or anyone for that matter. Except if someone is coming at me in the dark with what appears to be a sledgehammer. I am not going to trust that. Or the random stalker. I can smell them.
I have to let go. Let people BE. Let them screw up, let me screw up and trust that it’s not going to be a death sentence. All the planets will still stay exactly where they are because…well, I don’t really know why they stay where they are except to say that I think gravity is involved. But I do know that me screwing up is not going to dislodge them.
I have to let go of outcomes. I have to stop trying to control everything. If the garlic burns and turns bitter, so freaking what. Who cares. If the rose bush isn’t trimmed in exactly the way my horticulturist instructs (What? You don’t have a horticulturist?) it will still live to bloom another day.
I have to lighten up. Not take everything so seriously. (You didn’t know I had it in me, did you?) Trust that the little things will take care of themselves. Trust that the dust bunnies under the hall table will not conspire to smother my children in the dark of night. Trust that even if I am alone for the rest of my days I will live a full, fun, fantastic life.
I have to trust that all of this optimism I feel in my soul is for real. I have to trust that I am in the best place for me at the best possible time, on a path that fits like a glove. (For the record, my hands are of average size. There’s no Sissy Hanshaw stuff going on here.) I have to trust in me that I am able to realize my true purpose and nail it. That I can achieve my goals on my own.
I’m going to practice trusting and let go of the need to control because I don’t trust. Wait. Let me rephrase that…
I’m going to trust and let go of the need to control because I don’t trust. There. That’s better.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ummm … Ditto. The same Control and trust issues From the driving to cooking to work.
We got married in a dramatic fever and it became the defining reality of our relationship. Without every bit of strength and control I could muster, it would haved died ages ago. (Did I just write that?) Instead it grew so epic that he cheated and I got large. Crazy large. Epic large. (Although my magnificent new trainer – who made me cry yesterday just by touching me – said I carry it well.)
But in my case the cheater is not gone. He tried leaving via the cheating. And tried again after two weeks of attempted reconciliation. And all wisdom along with the stabbing pain in my soul says it should happen.
But I’ve never been good with shoulds. I’m a rabid rule follower (another ditto) who hates convention. (Yes, sometimes I even wear myself out.)
So I’m still controlling. Battling, for now, against an ending. This ending. Because our situation is characterized by the equation 60 + 38-yr old D-cup= trashy tragic shouldaboughtasportscarinstead stereotype that is devastating two daughters right along with me and I deeply believe ending is a mistake of epic proportions.
Or I don’t deeply believe that. Because I don’t yet have enough courage to grab onto this New Life with the full force of my powerful Sissy Hankshaw thumbs and because I haven’t yet given up control.
Thanks, Cleo, for a new quandary. Truly. Keep the insights coming. Continued hugs and claps to you.
T,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your words with me, with us.
You know what needs to happen. When you say you are ready it will unfold. Your daughters deserve to see their Mom take the lead in her beautiful life and set the right example. The Universe must have a sense of humor because to give up control one has to first take control.
I’m smiling because I believe your sense of humor will carry you through this next segment of your journey. I’m excited to see what happens!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Nope!
You have just tried to convice yourself you need to change. I am sure your control tendencies live somewhere between my mother (kids are flowers just let them grow) and the Tiger Mom. You are normal. Some push/pull in a relationship is normal and a little sexy. How did he react to your herb stress? Roll his eyes? Slap your bottom? Your partner is suppose to like and love you for who you are.
Your Genius is an a**hole – but not because you like to speak and make comments about day-to-day life or as you say control. For whatever reason, he grew up to be the way he is it is the way he is and at the end of the day, it has little to do with you.
This is my daily matra . . . you know from my previous post, my husband is a serial cheater. I think I know why – but it is his problem not mine. I can’t fix him. A hard pill to swallow. But I can’t fix him.
My husband refuses to speak to his mother. She always begs me to have him call her. She sits around and wails why won’t he call me? me? me? . . .you see to her it’s all about her. She hasn’t realized he is just an a**hole.
A,
“Your partner is suppose to like and love you for who you are.” I never got that. I got shafted on that one. I don’t know what it’s like to have a partner that finds your flaws as beautiful as your strengths, but I know they exist.
The Genius grew up as he did, in the shadow of his mother, who thinks only of herself but couches it as if she is only focused on others.
A, there are things about me I want to change. Or rewire. I think that makes more sense. I need to untangle the mess and rewire myself so I can shed some dead weight and get back to the journey that I created.
I’m just grateful I have a loving family, which includes all of you. Your support means so much to me. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s really not your fault that you tried to control everything and everybody. We, as women, are literally programmed to do it. If I let go and try to let my kids or husband handle something, nine times out of ten it won’t be done right. I don’t know what it is about guys, but very few pay the kind of attention to details that most women seem to. So – I sort of think we get *shoved* into the role of “control freak”. And my husband forgets to do things all the time – if I try and remind him, I’m told not to nag or that I’ve reminded him at an inconvenient time. If I don’t say anything – which, believe me, I often try to do – I get scolded for NOT reminding him. If I don’t either make my kids lunch (at least 2 of them could do this themselves) or remind them to put it in their backpack – guess what? I’m stuck driving 20 miles to their school to bring their damn lunches! I think it’s terribly hard to let go and hang back. I can’t
J,
Oh, do I know of what you speak!
I’m reminded of something I’ve heard numerous times when raising toddlers – let them fail. Let the disaster happen. Let the kids go hungry at school. When your husband tells you you should have reminded him, say “I am SO sorry! I had asked someone to remind me to remind you but they must have forgotten.”
Let them fail now so they don’t expect you to do this for them forever. It is SO hard to do, but the benefits to your children are huge down the road. I can say from experience that in the limited number of successful attempts at this that I have made, the results have been superb. I just wish I could pull it off more often! So I’m going to give it a shot. Thank you for taking the time to share, J. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, sounds like some great soul-searching, and a plan, and we CAN change, as long as it’s something like this – kibbutzing and hanging over people who can do it themselves. AND, and this is the important AND, AND, if they screw up, so what? (**Doesn’t apply to driving) That’s the thing to keep in mind. Dinner probably won’t be ruined. Their school project will be appreciated and they will be happy with what they did.
C,
If nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems, and nothing stays the same, then what’s the worst that could happen? Right?
I just have to be present so that I can remind myself of that minute by minute.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello C,
Next to Yoda, Master Oogway (Kung Fu Panda) is the most resonant Master I have. it’s the 21st Century, these days they come in many shapes and forms!
This movie had the most spiritually profound effect on me, specifically the scene by the peach tree between the two Masters where Shifu is questioning the choice of a fat Panda as the Dragon Warrior…there’s a line Oogway uses. “my friend, you will never learn your destiny, or the Panda his…until you let go of the illusion of control”. It took me a while to get it…but it fell into place eventually.
Another line that is smack on for my life was…there are no accidents! Like you, my rather gravel strewn and thorny path of the past year has had one very common sign post along the way. There is a lesson to be learnt from this, get it…and you get to move on to the next beautiful chapter.
I am not a dim person, a little too arrogantly assured of my intelligence ( my father’s words…he feels the need to ground me at times) but I have been battling, and often still do, to get my lesson. I know it’s not the rather obvious…your choice in men sucks.
Then I read your blog…and I get it.
See, I cannot articulate my emotions like you do, your perspective is emotional, you feel…me, I think too much. I get it on an intellectual level that I believe in my spirit, that there is a lesson and…this too shall pass. The why…well I have your blog for that. It was no accident I found it.
Without fail, whenever I read your next update, it clarifies exactly what I need to hear for my next soul lesson. We’re twin souls. I say this not in that creepy stalkerish way, but as someone who is immensely grateful that somehow on the other side of the blue marble, another person keeps me sane by writing what I think (then feel).
As always, you have my gratitude…love to Mom, brother dear and the boys.
MLP
Xx
MLP,
Thank you for your kind words. We make a good pair, no? I feel, you think and answer all my crazy questions like, Why do the planets stay up in the sky and how can a star be gone if I still see it? I swear I will go to my ocean grave never understanding that one, and I’ve had it explained dozens of times. I nod, I sort of get it and then I walk away saying, Doesn’t make sense.
And then you take the time to comment and it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something here. And it makes me feel so appreciated, which as you know is a rare commodity for me these days. I’m honored to be of assistance, my intellectually superior sister. And so very grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have walked in your shoes, and I read every word you write with interest. You have a wonderful way of putting honest feelings into your very profound words. My story is worse — my husband cheated with his ex-wife after 42 years of marriage with me. I was blindsided, too, and found out about his betrayal when I got a telephone call from a bystander, who was outraged at his behavior. It was the biggest shock of my life, and I’ll never forget the horror. I didn’t leave him, and I am still trying to figure out why not. I love him, but I don’t understand myself. That’s why I hang on to all your wisdom — I’m trying to figure it all out, too. Thanks for putting it all down on paper so clearly. I’m rooting for you!
S,
Oh, my. That is quite the challenging situation. After 42 years do you leave? Stay? Forgive? Ignore? Wow. Stay close to HGM, m’lady. We’ll get through this together.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. And today I needed to hear them!
Love yourself,
Cleo
You’re a way better woman than me. I’m not ready to look at how I contributed to why my marriage fell apart! Too scared to look, to scared to see how many clues as to what was going on that I chose to turn a blind eye to. Rough days lately…your blog helps me to look a little deeper. Thank you again Cleo!
A,
It’s okay to be scared. I have been, too. What I’ve noticed is that the fear dissipates when I zero in on a place within that needs my attention. You don’t have to look until you are ready. And don’t feel like you have to look at everything all at once. Maybe just take 20 minutes tonight to sit with your eyes closed and let your heart lead you to some aspect of yourself that needs attention. Not fixing, not scolding, but just some TLC.
Looking deep feels good, eventually. I’ll be touching on this in tonight’s post. I hope it’s a start, A. Be gentle with yourself.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I just found out about your blog yesterday, and have now wasted the first 3 hours of work reading every entry. Recently, a similar thing happened to my best friend, and helping her get through it has been one of the most jarring experiences I have been through. For her, it was worth it because picking herself up and starting over has given her a renewed empowerment and a valuable chance to re-evaluate herself. For me, it has deeply shaken my confidence in relationships in general, but also brought me and my partner closer together through this shared ordeal, which is somewhat confusing for me. Recently, we have talked about wanting to get married and start a family. He comes from a good family that supports and loves each other, as do I, and we both want the same things, so I really hope that we can break the odds. However, I am a bit of a control-freak, so I am concerned that I may be walking blindly into a commitment that, if not doomed to fail, at least likely to be a disappointment from the evidence I have seen. Without the benefit of hindsight, how can two people be confident in their decision to marry when they are surrounded by evidence that their confidence is misplaced? Any insights would be much appreciated.
L,
Thank yo so much for taking the time to comment and for not getting fired on my account! I am so sorry it has taken me this long to reply to your request for my thoughts on knowing if you’ve found the right partner to marry. I have finally settled down and pondered this very important question. Here goes:
I bet there’s a million people I could marry. Not one soul mate, but thousands and thousands of options. It’s not so much selecting the right person, it’s the willingness to do the work after the honeymoon. It’s a LOT of work. Very rewarding, yes, but a lot of work. And very disappointing if one person is doing the work and the other is not. And then the marriage falls apart.
Now, while I believe there are many different people that could be a life partner, it is still important to have a foundation upon hwich to build as you change and morph with the passing of time. For me, I want to know that there’s chemistry, not just attraction. That there’s respect for and a shared understanding of morals and values. And that the person is mentally and emotionally balanced. I believe those are 3 key things to have in a partner if you want to have a solid shot at making a marriage last. But, beyond that, what a successful marriage needs is two people that understand that it takes a significant amount of work to pull it off. It REALLYdoes. And if having a successful marriage is important to both people, and both people truly, truly want to be part of a PARTNERSHIP (not just have the big party and live like a grown up), then the work is worth it.
Here’s a thought…invest in 6 hours of Couples counseling. I know…me suggesting that…hilarious. But what I realized after my big breakthrough session with Dr. K is that a good counselor can help guide you. In a crisis situation I’m not sure how effective it can be, but when the relationship is solid I feel that working with a ‘consultant’ to help guide you through the difficult transitions in a relationship is worth the investment.
Finally, there must be love. And to love another, really love another, one has to love oneself.
Please let me know how you fare. And thanks again for your patience.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If either person thinks the marriage is just going to flow along on its own, without putting the other person first and foremost in every aspect, they ought not enter into the commitment.
Okay. Now you are on the way.
P,
Whew. Good to know. But where? I kid, I kid…
Love yourself,
Cleo
You stepped on the path when you acknowledged that you had something to do with being where you are.
You’ll know where you want to be when you get there, but that means knowing when you are keeping to the path and when you step away from it.
But I wouldn’t worry. You like to hike.
P,
Beautifully said. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, Thanks for this. I believe I am guilty of having behaved this way with my husband. And you are absolutely right that it drives a rift between people in a relationship. My husband is above all one of the most beautiful (and i mean this more personality wise than physical traits) people I have ever met, but I did not and still struggle with trusting him to do the little things or the big things. Only lately have I taken a step back from commandeering the household. I think this is only because I have been less able to do everything myself. In the past year (since less commandeering
) we have been much more in tune with each other and I hope and believe he has been less frustrated with me. I have been reading your blog for awhile and truly appreciate you sharing your experience. I was in a 7 relationship when I was quite a bit younger with a man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It ended with the discovery of his relationship with another girl/woman and within 4 months they were married. Quite a lot to digest when you’re 23. For me the hardest part was practically “growing up” with someone who helped shape who I was at the time and having them be your biggest betrayer. Something I think I still struggle with today in my 30s. People think back fondly on later high school years and college and virtually every memory I have from that period includes my ex-boyfriend. After that I believe is when I felt I just needed to do everything myself. I wasn’t going to put my faith in anyone. I am hopeful that I have begun to change a little bit. Sorry for the long post, but I admire your courage and strength and thank you for sharing your story with us.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And many apologies for the delay in replying.
Ah, the beauty of letting go. It is FREAKING amazing how such a simple thing, something we all wish we could do (because isn’t life more fun when you’re not clutching on to things?), can have such a broad impact on life. Not focusing on burning the garlic can improve communication, play time, sex…everything. It makes me mad that I couldn’t figure that out sooner. I could have an intact family now. But, perhaps the intact family is only what I want and not what I need.
This trust issue is a real interesting relational characteristic. It seems benign to say that I don’t trust The Genius to make a proper chili, but it’s a big deal. Especially for a guy. A really big deal. Dr. K once told me this: “Men hate to feel incapable.” I feel that was my greatest error – making him feel inept by not being able to come to a place of peace with my trust issues. In my particular situation The Genius did give me reason earl on to not trust him. But maybe if I had been better centered and dealt with that issue (and certainly he could have been honest and remorseful) head-on and confidently, we could have grown together instead of slowly pushing each other away.
Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so grateful to know that you are working this thing called love.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Now that I’ve spent the afternoon reading from the begining I realise that I have a lot of work to do to fall in love with me. Your blog has provided so many suggestions on where to start and how to keep going. After. 16 years of together and almost 10 years of marriage and 1 amazing child I finally get to find the real love of my life. Thank you.
E,
It’s the best dating I’ve ever done. It’s a slow process, like dating a Catholic girl, but I’m sticking with it. Today I was driving home and I just felt so happy to be me. Those are new types of days for me. And while it’s been a lot of work to get here (and I still have so much further to go), I’m now really starting to enjoy it. More than enjoy it, it’s actually kind of kick. It’s like I start the day and say, How far can I take this? How present can I be? How much more grateful? How much more can I notice? I’m having a ball.
Join me.
And thank you for your patience. Playing catch up on the comments! Many apologies for the delay.
Love yourself,
Cleo
E,
It’s the best dating I’ve ever done. It’s a slow process, like dating a Catholic girl, but I’m sticking with it. Today I was driving home and I just felt so happy to be me. Those are new types of days for me. And while it’s been a lot of work to get here (and I still have so much further to go), I’m now really starting to enjoy it. More than enjoy it, it’s actually kind of kick. It’s like I start the day and say, How far can I take this? How present can I be? How much more grateful? How much more can I notice? I’m having a ball.
Join me.
And thank you for your patience. Playing catch up on the comments! Many apologies for the delay.
Love yourself,
Cleo
G,
For me, not being able to trust leads me to need to take greater control. But perhaps the need to control gives a partner the feeling that you don’t trust them. So it’s a circle. And letting go of the little things – not sweating the small missteps – is a great way of learning how to trust.
Nothing justifies cheating. Nothing we do as partners justifies that. As you said, a simple but difficult conversation needs to take place out of respect for the commitment that was entered into by both people. Not having that conversation, and not ending the marriage before embarking on another relationship is despicable. It’s a cowardly and lazy act that has tragic consequences.
Has he owned up to his GIANT mistake? Only in the sense that he says he’s sorry. And then he follows the ‘sorry’ up by saying he ‘fell in love with another woman’. As if it wasn’t a choice. It happened TO him.
Uh-huh.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and many apologies for the delay in responding, m’lady. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Stumbled onto your blog after typing something in about “what do I do about the anger I feel about my husband’s cheating”…or something like that…
Anyway, WOW. wowowowowowowowowowow.
Great to see my thoughts and feelings turned into a blog. Sad to see someone in such a similar position.
I have 2 little boys, too. And I am in the process of writing my thoughts to them about how much I love them, how much I wanted them, and THAT is the reason their daddy & I came together. To create them.
Now, I’m no stranger to Cheaterville; my husband had an epically hurtful affair 14 years ago and after blaming myself (yep, he AND our marriage counselor let ME take all the blame…wow…), 2 years of couples counseling, self help seminars, separate counseling, kickboxing (pilates wasn’t “hot” then), meditation, and turning myself inside out so he would stay with me- we were back on track. Now, I did love him at the time, but my INTENSE fear of abandonment AND a chorus of people around me saying that yes, I could have done better, is what made me stay in something I probably should have walked away from.
Fast forward to now.
He’s done it again. Well this time, thank the universe, I KNOW it has nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! It is ALL him. And guess what else is new? I deserve better. And am I handful at times? Sure. But I don’t deserve to be cheated on, etc…
So honey, introspect away. Change the things that don’t work for you. Strive to connect with yourself. But be kind to yourself. Every relationship is a give and take, and yes, we can all always do better, but there are people out there that WILL love you, communicate with you when things aren’t working, and WON’T bail on you when you need them. Be kind to you first. Then you can authentically be kind & giving to others. But you first.
Awesome blog! xo
S,
Many apologies for the delay in replying to your comment. And thank you for taking the time to share it with us.
“Now, I did love him at the time, but my INTENSE fear of abandonment AND a chorus of people around me saying that yes, I could have done better, is what made me stay in something I probably should have walked away from.”
I have wondered where I would be if I had walked away after The Genius’ dalliance with The Shamrock (Year one of The Marriage Genius), but perhaps I should simply try to understand why I stayed. Like you, I wouldn’t have my children if I had left. At least notthese children and they are such a great fit for me. It was worth staying for them.
“…there are people out there that WILL love you, communicate with you when things aren’t working, and WON’T bail on you when you need them. Be kind to you first. Then you can authentically be kind & giving to others. But you first.”
I believe you. I don’t know if I will be fortunate enough to encounter one that walks with me for life, but I know I will encounter them. And cherish each encounter. Beautiful words that I will read again and again. Thank you so much. So very grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you, Cleo. For sharing your life & being a voice for us. I feel a lot less lonely now. Hope you are receiving all of this far flung love coming at you.
xo Summer
S,
Any time, m’lady. Anytime. I’m basking in the glow of the unconditional love from all of you. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love reading your blog. Thank you so much for sharing.
I think its very healthy to look at our part in the demise of the marriage. I really don’t think we can heal and move forward with out owning our own part in it.
It took a couple years of quiet contemplation, sitting alone in my rocking chair by my fireplace at night, but I learned so much about myself, and what I would never do in a relationship again.
I even took it a step further and asked my exhusband for forgiveness and expressed regret for the way I handled specific things. I did not want to be the angry jaded ex-wife and spread that sentiment around my life and children.
I found it very freeing and impowering. It really helped me move out of the victom mentality. its a sad and helpless place to live in.
Its been 7 years since I went through divorce, and though it was a tough road getting here, I have never been happier in my life. My ex and I have respect for each other as parents, and there is no hard feelings anymore at all. We even do some of the kids things together and its all very pleasant.
You will get there too. You sound like such a smart lady! I am cheering you on girl!
M,
I love that you took the time to comment! Thank you, and my apologies for not replying sooner.
I need to ask you a personal question. Did your marriage end due to betrayal or was it something else? I ask because I did express regret for things I have done in my marriage to The Genius, but I can’t see myself forgiving him for a 4 year affair that he feels justified in having. To me it feels like condoning his behavior which is something I will never do.
But apologizing for our mistakes does give the spirit such a lift. And I’m grateful that I don’t naturally lean toward the victim role. I have seen people play that card and it’s so destructive. I’m way too Swedish for that.
I do feel that I am heading to a place where I will be whole and happy and productive and a really good person, through and through, as a result of what I am so grateful to be doing here at HGM. As a result of the support of all of you. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi cleo,
My ex was a problem drinker, and at the end got into porn,cocaine and crack. That was it for me. I needed to get myself and my kids outta there.
I found out later that he had some kinda fling durring a six week separation. After all that I had suffered through, it was a moot point. I felt betrayed a million times over alrealy by then and I was done.
While it was happening, it was all him. I was a freakin saint, by golly! I was a good mother, doing the June Clever thing by day, and praying for his safe return at night.
I was labled a control freak as well.
But the way I saw it, someone had to steer this ship, because he sure as f*ck wasn’t up for it.
anyway,
When it comes to forgiveness, I asked him to forgive ME for the specific things that were so terribly frustrating for him, and made him feel powerless and angry inside. Stuff he just had to live with, cause that was the way I thought was ‘right’… as I sat on my moral high horse.
I started to focus more on my own character defects, and my anger and unforgiveness drained away like magic.
I also went through a book that someone else mentioned here called REBUILDING. It was very useful.
M,
Thank you for sharing your journey with me, with us. I find that when I focus on myself and my excavation I transform the experiences I have with those around me, mainly The Genius. And that’s where I need my focus to be right now. On me and my growth. Focusing on the actions or words of The Genius only robs me of the opportunity to heal myself. If I turn outward it’s because I don’t want to look at something inside myself. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Beautiful. Epic. Thank you.
S,
So grateful for your kind words. That swim lesson will happen! Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Perfectly put. New to your blog, and I love this post because I remember being in this same moment…two years ago, a few months ago, now. It’s a work in progress…life! XOXO
E,
Thank you for your kind words and so grateful you found HGM. So many of us have walked this same path, and I’m inspired by each and everyone of you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Let people crash and burn when we can be there to bail them out, or better yet, to squelch the disaster before it begins to ruminate? Yeah. Easier said than done, isn’t it? This kitten’s cut from the same cloth…
Soon…
Annah
A,
For sure. No matter the cloth, you’re one hell of a kitten.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A,
For sure. No matter the cloth, you’re one hell of a kitten.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing these words with us. I flinched often as I read them.
“People who are capable of lying every day for several years are people who are comfortable with lying. They lie about other things too and somewhere, in your gut, you know it. This keeps you off balance, creates anxiety, and ignites the need to establish stability by evoking control.”
“I didn’t feel safe with him.”
It’s unnerving how the mind can take control and twist everything to suit the needs of the one lying. Your comment is rich with insight. So grateful you took the time to share such personal and helpful thoughts. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Wish I would have found your blog last year as I was going through my own private hell. But alas, I couldn’t stop reading your posts last night until I dosed off at the computer at 4am! I can’t wait to read the rest.
But, I had to comment on Cassandra’s post. I think she has a valid point. I also was/am on the controlling side. I do it when I feel that I’m not being respected, or things are going awry. I’ve been trying to get rid of this trait (co-dependent meetings and reading Melody Beattie, etc.) but now I’m pondering whether or not it’s a coping mechanism and something that should be taken heed of, like intuition. Yes – when I’m not being respected, I get into control mode, too. From my narcisstic mother who recently said that she should have heeded her grandmother’s advice not to adopt children because “you never know what you are going to get” to my SAH (sex addict husband) – I’ve tried to take control of the wheel from others who are clearly sick and abusive (both are incent survivors).
Another comment: There are therapists that contribute to to our demise through what is called “treatment trauma” – who just don’t get what we need to piece our lives back together. For instance, there is a well known and respected therapist in Corte Madera that I sought out when my husband threw a divorce attorney card in my face out of the blue (turns out he had 2 woman in the wings) – and during the course of a year, while the onion of my husband’s obsession with women twice his age (any type – hookers, CL ladies, affairs partners) was being peeled – said very harmful things to me like “it’s like a bad car accident – no point in dwelling on it”, “a lot of guys go to hookers – you’d be surprised Deb”, “well – if you both just fulfill each others needs better, maybe this will stop”…….and when I finally figured out that it was sex addiction due to a childhood trauma (incest) and asked him why he didn’t refer him onto a specialist in the sex addiction field said “well – I only refer patients on if they are really bad”. So a secret life for 10+ years of our marriage, including granny hookers, 4 affairs, CL ads and random hook ups (he also traveled a lot) didn’t qualify as “really bad”???? I’d hate to see the really bad ones….oh vey.
My rambling point (with a bit of my history mixed in) is that therapists can and do a lot of damage and contribute to our trauma. Pick your therapists carefully. Cleo – sounds like yours wasn’t half bad and you got out of the way.
I finally found a therapist that focuses exclusively with partners of sex addicts, have gone to several intensives with those in the field – and my SAH is going to 12 step SA meetings and dealing with his childhood stuff. They say that men who have one affair have a hole in their soul – those that have serial affairs, etc. have a HUGE hole in their soul. Guess mine has the grand canyon to fill.
I have a question for you Cleo – let’s say that your husband fell on his sword – gave up car rental gal, told you that he really didn’t love her and wanted to rebuild your marriage, apologize every day and kissed your feet – would you have gone for it? Of course, we wouldn’t have your wonderful blog and be able to see your transformation…. but just curious. (in addition to having a control thing – I also ask a lot of questions – beware).
Deb
D,
4AM! Whew! That’s a marathon. I’m impressed. Thank you for taking the time to read my words and for commenting.
It is so important to take the time to pick the right therapist and be comfortable walking away if it isn’t working. Dr. K’s intentions were pure, she is a wonderful person, and I appreciate her efforts on my behalf. Unfortunately The Genius wasn’t interested in pursuing a course of therapy to assist with our co-parenting issues. Not surprised. For therapy to work, one has to want to look at themselves.
To answer your question succinctly: No. Never. Not possible. Without hesitation, we are NEVER, EVER, EVER getting back together. I believe there is a difference between a short-lived affair and a 4 year long double life. Someone that comfortable with deceit has no place in my world. He lies with ease. I would never know if he was telling the truth or not. But more importantly, I could never respect him. And without respect there’s no love. I could never be with someone that treated another human being with such grave disregard.
I respect those that try to rebuild. I’m in awe, actually. The Genius didn’t deserve those efforts. I deserve to life an honest life. Even if it is one that leaves me alone for the remainder of my days. I’d rather be alone and blissed out than coupled and betrayed.
I’m grateful you are here, D. And I promise to answer all your questions.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love how you answered her question. Well said and I completely agree!
-s
S,
Thank you. Grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo