Before the Wild West Adventure I offered to answer questions from the crucial to the mundane and tonight I answer them. The timing is perfect as I am one tuckered out being. Late nights writing, early mornings saying, Rise and Shine!, and loads of important tasks to do have left me in dire need of a bona fide 8 hours of sleep, not the 6 or so I have been getting lately. So I will divulge and depart for my bed with dreams of happy kittens dancing in my head.
From D: What do you miss about your marriage?
Nothing substantive, D. It ran its course and at the end gave me the gift of a fresh start with no baggage and no guilt. If The Genius had handled things differently I might answer differently, but his betrayal has only left me feeling grateful that I am no longer his wife.
From S: What would you take to a deserted island?
First, I would like to admit that I am one of those people who would refer to the ‘deserted island’ as the ‘desert island’. As in Mojave. Sometimes I am rather dense. Now, to the question… I would take my laptop, coffee, chocolate, wine and wi-fi. My hope is that the island would provide fruit, fish and a power source. I would also love to have the fine company of someone who makes me feel fulfilled even if the amenities are sparse. Someone who makes me laugh, and love and naturally shine bright.
From A: What is the best gift HGM has bestowed upon you?
There are so many. Pick one? Okay. But it’s a plural. The kittens. All you beautiful, magical souls that take time from your busy lives to check in on me and offer your wisdom, support, humor and love. I don’t feel alone, and I hope that everyone who comes here who is dealing with life’s challenges feels the same way.
From C: If you could change something about yourself what would it be?
My lack of organization, my detest of paperwork and my inclination to procrastinate over things I detest, like paperwork. Oh, and my boobs.
Wait, did you say one?
From L: Dream date?
A couple hours sweating in nature, a beach-side grilled dinner with the perfect pairing of wines, a walk at sunset, and then laying in the dunes on a sleeping bag watching the stars pop out, one by one, and letting the conversation flow.
Now, if you meant a person – well, my dream date would be someone who wants to be with me for me, all of me. Someone who is engaged in life, exploring themselves, nurturing themselves and open to nurturing another. Someone who is firmly on their path, and doesn’t become upended when they go astray. Someone who is filled with enthusiasm and passion for life, values it as the gift it is, and chooses optimism over pessimism. I don’t do woe is me very well, which should not come as a surprise.
From N: Have you ever gone back to the beginning and reread HGM?
While I have looked up a post now and then to refer to it as I’m writing, I’ve never gone back and reread the entire blog. That may be something I decide to do on the anniversary of my first post.
From R: What’s your guilty pleasure?
Daydreaming. I’m not sure that it’s a good use of my time. Pondering and daydreaming are two separate activities for me. Pondering is with purpose. Daydreaming is a lazy float on a river that’s moving every which way. I don’t really get anywhere. Nothing much is accomplished. When I daydream I pop out of it and continue on with my day. When I ponder I come to realizations. I’m hoping the pondering I’ve recently done will lead to some realizations that will help me manifest this next leg in my journey. I don’t have a second to waste.
From M: What are you most proud of and least proud of since the Pocket Call?
I am most proud of my strength, my inner fierceness that came when I most needed it so that I could limit the boys exposure to the muck that The Genius’ affair dumped on my doorstep. I had every right to come unglued. I refused. I believe that’s all the Universe needed to see to know that I was ready to realize my dreams. Lo and behold, HGM was born.
I am least proud of my initial desire to remain married to The Genius in spite of his affair. Of course, that desire vaporized when I found out he had been lying to me grandly for four years. But to even want to stay after being told it was a one year affair did not serve me. That said, I don’t judge anyone who stays in a marriage after being betrayed. Every situation is different. I had dealt with quite enough disrespectful nonsense from him that the affair should have been the death of it. Ultimately it was.
From L: What is your greatest desire?
To avoid the healthcare system at all costs by remaining fit and healthy until I die of old age in my sleep. And I wish the same for my children.
From V: How do you want this to…end…for lack of a better word?
What a tricky question! I don’t want HGM to ever end. Not until the night when I lay my head down for the last time. But if you mean, How do I want my life to play out? Well, m’lady, that is the question I will answer in Friday’s post: Manifest Destiny. As I applaud Act One, I’m ready to speak from the heart that which I need in Act Two. I feel moments away from being clear enough to state it with sincerity and know it is what I need and not what I want. I take this step seriously because when we speak our needs from a place of total clarity they are met. I need to be certain that what I seek is what I need, and that I am centered enough to accept the outcome without judgement.
And the hardest question of all:
From A: What is your favorite food?
I’ve sat here for 10 minutes typing and erasing and typing and erasing. I’m going with oysters. With Asian pears coming in a close second. White truffle oil honey is right up there, too. Keep in mind, much of the available options aren’t available to me as I am allergic to gluten. If I wasn’t, I might say pizza from Brooklyn, or fresh baked sourdough bread with grass-fed butter, or crepes with scrambled eggs and maple syrup (some of you might gag with that one but, oh…oh…), or baklava.
I’m actually pretty psyched I’m allergic to gluten because my diet has been cleaned out. By and large I eat a simple fare of foods in their most whole state. Fresh, unadulterated and natural.
But back to the oysters. I like them raw, and cold, nestled in their shells, buoyed by salt water and bursting with the memories of a life lived in a bay. And I like them BBQ’d with a glaze of The Sauce. My most loved and cherished BBQ sauce on the planet. I’ve eaten it on popcorn, chocolate ice cream, and randomly straight from the bottle. It’s sublime. I’d eat it on dirt. As a matter of fact, add The Sauce to the list of things I’d bring to the deserted island. When BBQ’d, oysters warm the soul. A perfect reward for a long hike at Limantour. My favorite place to get them? The Farmhouse in Olema. I bow to them for what they do with charcoal and oysters. And oysters are so perfect for sharing.
Round One of questions answered. Thank you for taking the time to be curious. I’m off to bed. My mom will be so happy to know it’s before midnight. These next few days require a rested heart and mind working in tandem to shed the last remnants of muck and begin the rewarding process of creation and manifestation.
I am grateful. And excited. And ready for the opportunities that wait on the other side of the street.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I need you to know… because of you and your beautiful magical soul… I madly climb hills, walk long walks, take care of myself, my body, my spirit, my mind, my soul… because of you I have set a goal to “do” the Pacific West Coast trail next summer… I live in the now (as much as I know how to) and have passed on these tools for life after/during “break-ups” to whomever will listen.
I saw a hawk catch a mouse today while running, I focus on this moment instead of what/who “he’s” doing (Shoulda heard me a few short months ago!) . Because of you I feel I deserve the best… my mantra has become “Today is gonna be a good one”!
I believe as in “Invictus”… “I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul”!
I believe…
Don’t worry, everything is going to be amazing!
Y,
Oh, my. I am so moved. I am so glad you needed to let me know because I needed to know! I am SO crazy proud of you!!!!!
You have fully embraced everything that has worked so well for me. Bravo! You have helped to reinforce all these lessons for me as well. And for that I am very grateful. Don’t you feel amazing???!
The hawk sees the big picture and was clearly taking care of her needs. Just like you. Nice how nature leads us, no? I can’t wait for updates on your massive hike next summer, and all the training hikes that lead to it.
Thank you so much for your kind words. They make me pause to see my beauty and magic. What a gift you have given me! Y, stay close, hike hard and see the signs.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Three things:
1. I don’t look upon your desire to muddle through the affair as a weakness; I look upon it as a strength. In doing so you showed that you honored your marriage and family above personal injustices. Hooray for you. Double hooray for you for realizing that that would not work and for triumphing in the end.
2. Cheese. It really can be that simple.
C,
Thank you for sharing your feelings about my initial desire to remain married. I appreciate your take on it, and family was the catalyst. But if I had to do it all again I would have walked immediately. The depth of lying was so outrageous that to have considered staying was really just me in shock. When I reflect back on that time I thank my self for being so patient with me as I fumbled around finding my love for myself. Then, when I found it? Fireworks!
I love cheese. With wine. And white truffle honey. But I’d have to have fruit with the cheese. And love.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“you honored your marriage and family above personal injustices.” Beautiful, simply beautiful. And very true.
Um, apparently I cannot count.
C,
LY,
C
Hi Cleo.
I love reading your blog. It inspires me and is a reminder that I am not alone. I was married for 15 years ( 2 kids later) only to discover he was leading a double life. I was in shock for such a long time…it took so long to process everything, to understand who he was and that pathological lying was so much apart of him. Once I dealt with who he really was and how I was deceived for such a long time I then had to take the time to forgive myself. I felt taken and that can be such a hard pill to swallow. I am spending time to love me again..rediscover who I am and enjoy it. I have not yet dated..it has been three years now. I am slowly getting to the point where I might be ready but it has been amazing just enjoying me. It has been a journey. I lost myself in that relationship…in a very unhealthy way. It has been fun to rediscover myself and feel happy with who I am and what I am about. He made a giant mistake but it was my greatest gift.
You are amazing!
L
L,
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I trust that I will be where you are one day! I certainly feel in my core that you are ready to shine bright on the world and hold hands with another. And now you know to share fully but to not lose yourself in another. To not hand over your being but to walk side by side. I am so excited for you and inspired by your achievements.
You have come to understand who your former spouse truly was and I have only scratched the surface. I’m wrinkling up my nose just thinking about trying to understand him. Like your former spouse, The Genius lied with such ease. Almost as if he enjoyed it, as if it made him feel important and capable. I will work through understanding him as it’s crucial for me to develop an ability to see peoples’ motivations, tendencies, to see them for who they truly are and not who I know they can become, so that I can make better choices in the future. I am grateful that I have forgiven him and that I am not angry. I don’t pity me or anyone. As you said, “He made a giant mistake but it was my greatest gift.” Perfectly put.
I am thrilled to read how you have relished the time you have spent alone with yourself. Rebuilding a relationship with yourself. How fun it is! You, m’lady deserve a standing O! I am so grateful you are here. Stay close and share wisdom at will!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading your blog on and off since a friend told me about it. One thing you’ve said on a number of occasions is that the Genius was lying to you for 4 years.
One thing to consider is that the Genius was also lying to himself and in order to cover up his lies to himself, he had to spread the lying further. It’s an unfortunate byproduct that you, your kids and your family got hurt along the way, but I’m sure, honestly, he’s lying to himself about that too.
I’m glad to see you’re through Act 1 of your journey. I don’t know if you’ve read it yet, but two books I plowed through after this happened to me was Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (By Shirley Glass, mother of Ira Glass from NPR) and Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life. I recommend both.
Congrats on your continued evolution!
L,
Thank you, L! It’s been a wild ride, made all the more beautiful because of you kittens.
I really want to read Not “Just Friends”. It will need to wait until my book is complete. I’ve decided that I need to go through this process organically, with only the sage guidance of the kittens to light my path. But when my book is complete, on January 10th, 2013, I am cracking open that book first.
I can’t imagine what it feels like to lie for four years. I’m just blown away by it. Which is probably why I keep mentioning it. He had to lie to himself to pull it off, rationalize it all away. Which is why he’s rewritten history to suit his needs. Anybody that can believe that their affair made everyone happy is lying on all fronts. Just goes to show the power of the mind when the Ego alone leads it along.
I prefer to give my heart the reins.
I’m grateful to know you are here, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A book – I can’t wait Cleo!! Congratulations.
D,
Thank you! Me, too! I’m officially a writer. Feels so good to say that.
Love yourself,
Cleo