The fire was still crackling, the mist falling, the ocean still playing dodge ball with the beach, but we were leaving Yachats. We thought we had one more night in the house and would spend it planning the next few days of the trip, but there was a mix-up. The cleaning crew showed up at 11:30 and we were out by 12. I couldn’t tell you how Mr. Jackpot took it because he just started packing. There were a few halfhearted attempts on both our parts to decide whether we wanted to go “north, east or south”.
Had our connection not been nearly severed, I would have been more adventurous and willing to just take off in any direction to a destination unknown. Absolutely. That’s a day well-spent in my book. But my intuition told me that Mr. Jackpot was not presently wired for spontaneity. This wrinkle would have become another problem for him to solve. Along with all the other work-related problems being phoned in to him. I wonder what they would have done had he been in the Peruvian jungle with no cell service? Can’t a guy take a vacation anymore?
In the moment I felt pulled by the desire to have Mr. Jackpot make the decision and for me to say that I wanted to go home. I was game to continue on, but I really just felt we should head back to Marin. I only wish I had said it in such a way that it didn’t become a mad dash to get there. But I’m grateful I said it. I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to go back, but I knew I wasn’t anywhere near 100% sure I wanted to continue this trip. I felt like I was coaxing a feral cat out of a basement through a broken window and into broad daylight by trying to get this simple sentence out of my mouth:
Maybe we should just head back to Marin.
And off we went. No discussion, no playing out the options. We hit the road.
I’ve made no secret of my trophy case full of Bad Passenger of the Year awards. You could be the best driver ever; blow one stop sign and I’m sitting on the edge of a razor blade the rest of the way. Thankfully, Mr. Jackpot had proven to be a very competent driver. Capable of spying a Cooper’s Hawk while navigating the swells and corkscrews of west Marin roads without having me hyperventilate and hurl which, in combination, could be really gross.
So imagine my surprise when I found myself still conscious while barreling down the 5, in the rain, coming up on 18-wheelers like we were the bigger one, as we climbed until the rain turned to snow and then snaked our way back down again, applying the brakes as if their use was more costly than than the car itself. I occupied myself by freezing to death and taking in the insanely beautiful landscape as it whipped by.
You know how Mother Nature was primping her tail feathers and doing her best to coax me into her arms throughout this trip? Well, she pulled out all the stops on the harrowing and nearly silent drive. The sun was setting behind me, rain changed to mist as I sat an inch from my window, marveling at row upon row of mountain ranges slotted one behind the other like set pieces on a stage. I lost myself in the depth of it all.
I can say for certain that I have never seen so many shades of green. From the pale and thin leaves of wildflowers to the inky green foliage of the trees that coated the mountains, except where a swath of deciduous trees kept busy nursing their new leaves along, or where the hills had been logged. (It made me wince to see that, but I understand why it happened. I just hope it stops.) The grey sky only made the green more sultry.
Then something showed up that the trees and the mountains and the setting sun and the snow-capped peaks to our east couldn’t compete with:
A double-freaking-rainbow.
I am not making this up. Directly in front of me, stretching across the highway, was a double rainbow. The larger one was to the rear, its colors distinctive and bright. The smaller was a little paler but perfectly clear. And I was perched on the edge of my seat completely amused and besotted by the clever and magical nature of Nature. I was so taken it never occurred to me to take a picture.
As we flew like a plane down the 5, with the visions of rainbows in my head, I found myself on another plane altogether. I could see and hear and feel all the 3D stuff that was going on – Mr. Jackpot’s supreme stress, the strained communication between us, the upended plans, me returning to Marin and The Genius is staying in the house with the boys, the aggressive driving – but my being was on another plane, unaffected by it. Which does not mean not engaging with it. Or not learning from it. Or trying to understand why I created it. I just wasn’t letting it all run amok and twist my insides like a barber pole. Which is a good thing because I would have shattered, given my clenched position in the passenger seat as Mr. Jackpot took his aggression out on the pavement.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad we weren’t going 65 and stopping at every Cracker Barrel. I just wanted to live to see another day. So when the rain was replaced by shearing winds in the flat lands about 50 miles from Sacramento, I made a pact with myself that if he didn’t slow down in 5 minutes I was going to ask him to. And if he didn’t slow down then, I was going to ask him to drop me off in Sacramento. The winds gusted, rocking his SUV like friends playing a joke on a lip-locked couple parked on Lover’s Lane.
30 minutes later I asked him to slow down. It took an extra 25 to minutes for me to state my need. I could pass that off on the fact that we had spoken but for about 20 minutes collectively in the 8 hours that had elapsed on our 10 hour drive – it takes a while to warm up the old vocal cords. Or I could call it like it was: He was super uptight and I didn’t want to deal with his reaction to my request. A request that he was sure to read as a criticism on his driving.
(As I reread those last two sentences I see the obvious – who am I focused on? Mr. Jackpot. What am I worried about? Mr. Jackpot’s reaction. Who am I judging? Mr. Jackpot. That was the struggle within then, too. I had to repeatedly release thoughts about him, why he was so clenched, why he seemed mad at me, why wasn’t he talking, and focus on me, keeping myself centered and aware, and exploring why I created this experience.)
He slowed down. And drove 5-10 miles an hour UNDER the speed limit.
I honestly couldn’t believe it. I asked him to drop me off at a hotel. He didn’t reply. At this point it became surreal, but at least I knew I wasn’t going to die. Unless we got rear-ended, which was a distinct possibility. I told him I was looking for an exit with a hotel but if he saw one first to not hesitate and leave the freeway. I’d make my own way home. Then I called him on what I felt was an over-reaction to a justifiable request. The winds were truly wicked that night. Driving was a hazard for that reason alone. Why did he respond to my request to slow down in such a fashion? I didn’t even know how to describe it except to say it was immature. Which I did.
His reply was something right out of the handbook he used with his former partner. I could tell that it was a reaction that was not meant for me, but meant for him to feel and then later to look at. I let it go.
Because I was traveling safely in the slow lane (HUGE relief even if we were driving like Ethel after her 90th birthday party), I kicked back and relaxed. By this time we had hit Sonoma county and I was in sniffing distance of a bed in a hotel room in Marin where I would be alone. I was beaming for having expressed my needs, for being able to unclench my sphincter, and because I knew that I had four days ahead to go inward and see how I’ve morphed over the last week.
When we arrived at my house, I grabbed my bags and threw them in the back of my car. We stood 10 feet apart and I said,
Thanks. Good night.
I opened my door and climbed in, started her up, cranked Train and actually hollered, Yee-haw! For real. I yelped with joy. I felt free. No offense to Mr. Jackpot. I don’t hold anything against him, I’m not judging him, I’m not mad at him. I am grateful for his presence in my life, I am so stoked that I was able to gorge on the stellar accomplishments of nature, and I really appreciate all that he did to make this trip happen. I yelped for joy because I was given a supremely intense opportunity to internally strut my stuff while Nature externally strutted hers. We both aced it.
It’s safe to say that the drive home from Yachats was one of the biggest interpersonal challenges I have experienced outside of my moments with The Genius. But even compared to them, this one was significant because it wasn’t The Genius. This was an opportunity to see if I really was capable of aligning, balancing and grounding myself in the midst of upheaval with another person, a man. I was able. And more than willing.
Good thing because I sense a major transition coming, I know I will continue to have potent encounters, and I have to trim down the time it takes me to speak my needs or I will never summit life.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yeah, driving the I-5 is not for the faint of heart. It is horrible, actually. Every. Single. Time.
Everyone has their own approach to how to deal with the intense traffic, and the disparate goals of each and every driver, along each stretch of the way.
It’s a complicated mix, and I love playing the I-5 board game. But what I hate more than anything is when the passengers don’t have comfort with how I manage the lanes. When that happens, I let them drive and then take a nap.
It has taken me 4 decades to get to this highly-evolved point. I pat myself on the shoulder, gratuitously.
M,
You rock. You would have been so proud of my restraint! I only grabbed the arm rest, like, a dozen times…in a half hour…
Love yourself,
Cleo
“I will never summit life.”
Probably not he best metaphor. Life is not achieved, it is lived. I have been spending an inordinate amount of time as a Little League manager for my youngest boy the past 2 months, and my next oldest boy is a star pitcher, so we are also at all of his games. Pretty much baseball every night. And then end of year stuff from the school — Open House, a talent show, a big fundraiser where we came up w/ $28K for our charter school, a presentation in the Episcopal chapel about the Boston Tea Party, and then snacks.
Hard to get some time in edgewise to get those billable hours. But hey, what’s most important. Living life, or summiting it?
M.
M,
Great point! And congratulations on your herculean efforts to support the children!
Summiting life for me means that I can get to the end of my days, look back and know that I pulled out all the stops to live a fully present, compassionate, heart-centered, adventure filled existence. May I not summit till I’m in my 90s and may the view be spectacular.
Love yourself,
Cleo
OMG! I wonder if Mr Jackpot will post a response?
I will never leave advice since this is your journey but I must admit…..
your blog is my guilty pleasure.
E,
Bring it on – the advice that is! I have learned so much from those who have spoken from the heart. And, after reading your comment, I see how it might be a bit uncomfortable to give advice when I’m working so hard to NOT intrude on the lives of others. But here at HGM it is okay because I have asked for it. Which, of course, doesn’t mean you have to give it to me.
I don’t think he will post a reply. But I can tell you that he did apologize. And I’m grateful for that. My real desire is that he puts the stresses of the 3D world in their proper place. They happen to give us an opportunity to meet and greet them. At the risk of simplifying things too much, perhaps our journey here on the blue marble is only about one thing – how we meet the day.
I am now going to celebrate the fact that I am someone’s guilty pleasure. That is a first! I feel just a tad naughty…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Because we are all in this together, I’m going to give you my honest, unsolicited, and unfiltered opinion–and if you don’t want to publish my comment, I completely understand and there is no judgment.
In yoga, we talk about letting go of that which no longer serves you. Granted, I don’t know the whole story re: Mr. Jackpot, but it seems that your connection is no longer serving you.
Did you screw up a few weeks ago? Maybe. Did he overreact? Yes. Is he still being a butt about it? Absolutely. And that is exactly the type of person you DON’T need.
I don’t like to generalize men or their behavior, but I have noticed that certain men, when they feel they have been “rejected” romantically (whether that is true or not) act the way Mr. Jackpot has been acting. It’s like they think they can punish you into starting the romantic relationship you weren’t prepared to have with them. I have seen this with several men. They don’t let go, and they don’t get over it. At least in my experience, the best thing was to end the connection, because honestly, this behavior is destructive.
Mr. Jackpot is learning, as are you. But maybe his learning process requires a woman he is romantically interested in, but not ready for a relationship, to step away. Maybe that is what he needs to learn that this behavior is inappropriate.
As I said before, I only know what you put out here, and am basing my opinion on that. I could be wrong. But thanks for listening, and for writing. And again, if you don’t want to publish this, I totally understand.
Much love to you, lady.
B,
Not publish this brilliant prose? Pft. It’s up and it’s good!
My encounter with Mr. Jackpot will move organically along, but rest assured that if I ever felt it was destructive I would end any contact immediately. For my sake as well as the sake of my children. It’s definitely not destructive. Probably because I am very aware of why he is present on my journey at this time. I see so much of my old self in him – seeing everything as a problem, letting them snowball, feeling inadequate, under-appreciated, which led to anger, which led to feeling out of control, which led to tears. None of which led to progress or lessons learned. Rinse, or not, repeat.
I don’t want to speak for JP, but I bet this is how he has dealt with stress all his life. These flare-ups – some lit by my presence no doubt – continue to provide an opportunity for him to try a different approach. Maybe it’s job stress now, and before maybe it was relationship stress, and long ago maybe it was school stress…whatever the 3D cause the goal remains the same: remain centered and peaceful so that you can respond to the challenges of life on the blue marble with ease. Mature. Grow. Look at behaviors and determine if they are positive and supportive. If they aren’t than abandon them and create ones that is productive.
I want you to know that I appreciate your honesty, the time you took to comment, and your genuine care and concern so very much. You and I have never met. I don’t know anything about you and you only know what I write. Yet you show me concern as if you’ve known me all your life. That makes me cry. Happily. Thank you so much.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I worry Mr. J has now read your blog and realized you are way out of his league. Your insightfulness has put some insecurity in him? He needs a blog. What man doesn’t?
Wow. Passive aggressive-ness defined. You are indeed a goddess for getting some good out of that drive, and out of the trip. I was a bit worried that the pent-up, unspoken “whatever” was going to make Mr. JP explode, but you have shown that you can take care of yourself no matter what. The relaxation of the muscles which had been tight for most of the last several days, must have been awesome! You go, girl. I’m sorry if Mr. JP didn’t have a good time, for his own reasons, but that’s his responsibility.
C,
Yes, it is our responsibility to meet the challenges that life tosses to us with grace. And if we can’t then we ought to be working double time to figure out why and to change our ways. As Mr. Simplicity says, Nothing is as good or as bad as it seems. Seriously good wisdom there.
When those muscles loosened I had to giggle. I almost did it out loud. I would have had a hard time explaining that one!
Both Mr. Jackpot and me are the very definition of a work-in-progress. In his defense, he doesn’t have an army of incredible souls rallying around him, keeping him honest and cheering him on. I am so grateful for each and every one of you.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I loved your post and exhaled with you once you were out of his car. I have felt this one time that freedom and safety feeling. It is liberating!
A,
I felt total joy. While I was psyched to have survived the car ride, I was really joyful that I accomplished a big task. Big for me, anyway. I didn’t realize what a challenge it is for me to speak my mind when it comes to my needs. Especially when I need to express those needs during a tense or challenging situation. I was really shocked by how hard it was to do! Now I need to get to the bottom of why it was so hard. There’s something there to discover still.
Thank you for commenting and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Gawd. That sounds like a nightmare. I’ve been there, and it is torturous. I’m sad that this “story” didn’t have a happier ending, but happy and impressed that you still got something good from it.
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. You probably won’t be surprised to hear me say this, but it did have a happy ending. And middle. And beginning. Because I didn’t let a moment pass without trying to learn something from it. I learned a lot. That makes it a happy ending. Not Disney happy, but that doesn’t suit me at all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dearest Cleo and L,
Thank you for yet another valuable lesson. This is why I keep “tuning in”…to read, ponder, attempt to understand, gain wisdom, reap patience, and be utterly thankful I have found you.
Learn from our moments…appreciate the rainbows…tighten up and relish the release! Thank you to you and all of your readers whose sentiments give me strength to grow.
I am so grateful. Be well.
-Cath
C,
You are so very welcome. I’m equally as utterly grateful that you found HGM. Every time I read a comment like yours it reaffirms what I’ve learned or opens up a new idea to ponder…it’s just an amazing, buzzing center of creation here at HGM. I learn so much every day.
Eternally grateful for your presence here. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. You did the absolute right things. Voicing your needs. Not taking the bait on the return comment. Enjoying nature amidst it all. I want to be you when I grow up. His uptightness was HIS. Cheers to you for letting him have it all to himself.
T,
Thank you. It was a brilliant learning opportunity that I am very grateful for and am hopeful that Mr. Jackpot can learn from it as well. But that I cannot control and should not control. I can empathize with and support someone who is struggling to find the path again, and that is what I’ll do in this situation. But it’s my life that I am accountable for and that is where my attention needs to be focused. It’s all about the encounter. Stay on my path, hold hands with those that walk beside me, and let Nature take its course.
And be supremely grateful for each and every one of you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hm mr jackpot doesnt sound like a jackpot anymore, just a pot. He seems like hes carrying around baggage you dont need dragging you down right now in your life. I hate passive agressive behavior like that. How frustrating.
L,
It can be frustrating, yes. But I didn’t let it frustrate me – for once! And forevermore. I see the trip to Yachats, to include the drive home, as one of the best gifts I’ve received so far. I learned SO much in that journey. I’m hopeful Mr. Jackpot did as well. His presence in my life has taught me a great deal in a short amount of time. More on this in my next post…
Thank you for taking the time to comment, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I haven’t commented in a while, frankly because I find the drama with Mr. Jackpot a bit tedious. As I’ve mentioned before, he seems to be a lot of work for someone with whom you share such a primal connection. It does sound like he is getting some kind of payoff from trying to keep you guessing. I think it is absolutely wonderful that you kept this vacation about you and didn’t react but rather let him keep ownership of his own actions during the trip. That’s something that is very tough to do. Good for you! It seems to me that it has been quite a while since things have been on an even keel with Mr. Jackpot and it started to occur to me that perhaps what his issue might really be is that you are not resorting back to old patterns and reacting to him? Could that be?
D
D,
I’m not a fan of drama either. There is a link between the ‘primal’ connection with Mr. Jackpot and the drama that ensued. It’s been a gift. A learning opportunity that seems perfectly created, to me. I do think that part of the disconnect is that I’m not coming off my path to participate in the shenanigans. That is polarizing.
I hope that tomorrow’s post brings clarity for us both. Know that I’m centered through it all. And that I appreciate so VERY much your honest comment. It helps me to work through this issue and all the others. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I must say that I do find the guy-bashing around these parts lately a bit dismaying. None of us is above reproach, and rashly judging one another, instead of seeking to understand, is not the path to contentment. Men and women are different, in the way we see the world and how we communicate, especially in relationships, and double-especially in how we communicate our fears, anxieties and insecurities. It’s a godawful mess, frankly, and it takes a whole ton of work to puzzle through it. But it’s worth the effort, in my view. I appreciate the women in my life who have given me patience and the room to grow and learn to express myself in ways that work for them. I hope they appreciate how I’ve provided the same for them.
I sense that Cleo is working hard to understand and accept (or at least not be harmed by) the foibles of the men in her life. And I would urge the commenters here to do the same. Particularly in the case of the Genuis, she’ll be sharing a long co-parenting path with him.
Peace
-K
K,
As always, your honesty, paired with perfect prose, is much appreciated. Thank you. I hope you don’t mind that I have captured some of what you have written for my post today. I’m hopeful that it illustrates the point that we are all in different stages of development here. And that it is easy to generalize, but I believe that all who comment at HGM are lovers.
I am preparing to depart for a rain-soaked hike of Limantour with a massive high from my writings this morning, which were only elevated by the addition of yours. Go take a peek…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, really enjoyed your post and took away a lot from it…you really are one of my heros! Reading some of the comments, I’m a little surprised by how harsh people are being about JP. As a woman in her 40′s learning to date again and explore learning about the opposite sex I think we forget that the older we get the more baggage we have in our hearts. People need to be respectful that while we are all on the sidelines cheering you on, JP deserves his own cheering section too. Life is a complicated journey, our wounds can be debilitating. We are all here to play a role in our lives and sometimes the lives of others. Patience, love and trust with all people until they prove they are unworthy.
Sending a hug,
Ana
Hi Cleo — Just chiming in to say that passive-aggressiveness is a relationship style. It can be undone, but because it’s so habitual as to be almost instinctual it takes a heck of a lot of self-analysis and will to do it. Frankly, I’ve never seen anyone with this style make the attempt, let alone succeed. Passive-aggressiveness is self-reinforcing because it tells the person that he is a victim and the problem lies with other people, not within. My mother was married to someone like that for 20+ years. Life with him was always mildly miserable, never bad enough to motivate her to walk away, but never good, either. I left home at the first opportunity; she only got her freedom when he had his fourth heart attack and passed away.
Good on you for staying out of Mr. Jackpot’s self-imposed drama. And at some point, if he doesn’t come to grips with it, then I hope you’ll see the necessity of walking away much sooner than my mother did. Life is too short to be a prop in someone else’s psychodrama.
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And for being here!
Because of the care I am taking to nurture my own voice, create boundaries and love myself, in conjunction with the amazing support I receive here from all of you, I am able to remain centered and fully on my path. And I will only walk towards light, with like-minded souls.
I’m so grateful you chimed in…I actually heard the bells.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was just wondering if you ever exhaust yourself? To me it seems that you’re looking for a deeper meaning in anything you come across, and analyze things you see and experience all the time. What do you do when your brain needs to rest?
K,
I’m hopeful the most recent post will help to answer your question as I touch upon this idea. I don’t analyze with the mind – that wouldbe exhausting! But with my heart, my spirit. By connecting – I’m going to call it a plane until I figure out another way to describe it – on a different plane from the one the mind resides on I am able to see much more clearly and with a lot less effort. Of course, this ability needs to be developed. So, by practicing it in the moment I am able to become consciously competent at extracting the meaning, lesson or morsel of wisdom held in an encounter.
It’s become quite effortless as of late. And it’s exhilarating where as mind analysis can be draining.
I hope that answers your question. Thank you for taking the time to post it and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Finally time for me to stop lurking and comment on your blog.
It is nice to see you seeing the horrible issue of divorce as a learning process. So many people don’t, they just see it through their “poor me” goggles.
That sounds like it was the car ride from hell. If had been me, I probably would have sat there far to long being annoyed, scared and irritated by the driving and by the time I finally would have said something I would have been blowing up at JP. I need to learn to speak up sooner rather than have it fester inside so when I finally do say something, I’ve reached my limit…and not in a good way.
I grew up in Marin and the way you describe your hikes on Mt. Tam brings me back to the beauty of the mountain. Thanks for bringing me back to the special place in my mind.
-C
I love the word fester. I just don’t like when allow things to fester. I let a lot of stuff fester in my marriage and it didn’t serve me well. Shocker, right? It was SUPER challenging to speak up…and not let it fester. I’ve got some pondering still to do on that one, that whole speak up so things don’t fester.
Can you tell I like that word?
I’m so grateful you took the time to comment. Mt. Tam misses you. She is a beauty. Google Barry Zito’s house that is for sale in Marin and check out his view! I’d like to be an arachnid spinning on a web on one of those plates of glass that face Tam.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I have never commented before but I read every post. Usually your words make me feel so aspirational. I have felt that the constant pursuit of situational clarity (that you embody) makes someone a healthier human being. But something about this post just rubs me the wrong way. And I looked back at some earlier posts and continued to feel the same way about those posts. I feel badly mentioning this, but you are on a journey of self discovery and the hardest words to hear are often the most important.
Selfish. I read the way you were so singularly focused on your own emotional needs, even when you could clearly see that Mr. Jackpot was suffering, and it made me think that you were being selfish. I understand you needing to deliver for your own needs after so many years of catering to others, but don’t let this make you cruel (yes, cruel) to a man that you care about. I thought about what I would have done. You were strong enough to realize what you needed, and you had the strength to make those needs known. Mr. Jackpot wasn’t able to do this, but he was clearly hurting. Why did you just walk away when he needed you? You can still maintain your sense of self while helping others find theirs!
Maybe because I am very young and have suffered the kind of betrayal that you have I feel more sympathy for Mr. Jackpot. He needs you, and you shouldn’t shut yourself off when you could help him. Sure, it may not directly benefit you. But human existence isn’t solitary. The value in our lives is determined by the relationships we have with others. There could be so value is your relationship with Mr. Jackpot, but he needs you to help him get to the healthy place you are striving for. This is the stuff of real loving relationships. Not being selfish or self sacrificing, but working together to be both better individuals and better as a team.
End of my 2 cents, continue rocking on,
Your naive 20-year-old reader who still believes in the power of coupledom
M,
I so loved receiving your comment. I wanted to respond immediately but had to digest it. Thank you for taking the time to write down your thoughts. Regardless of your age, you are a beautiful soul, a priceless incarnation, a dream boat, if you will. I want to hug you.
I want you to know that I have pondered your comment each day since you posted it. I have reread it several times. Sometimes it’s a challenge to be sure that I’m getting what you’re trying to impart. I hope I have, but if I have misunderstood please clarify for me.
Looking through your eyes I see how you would want me to reach out my hand to Mr. Jackpot and pull him up from the muck, but at this stage in life (we’re both in our 40s) we need to do our own pulling. And I have to be conscious of trying to fix things for people – it’s an intrusive thing to do when not asked for help. Mr. Jackpot hasn’t ask for my help, and I feel he knows that at this time he needs to turn inward. He does need me, and anyone who is a friend, to assist as he moves along in his journey. We all do. But you and I may differ on what that need is and how I am to meet it.
My intuition says lead by example. There were two moments on the Yachats adventure where JP asked pointed questions about my tactics and philosophies on how to handle a few challenges he currently has on his plate. He wasn’t stoked by my answers, which was evident in his responses, both verbal and non-verbal. That’s a GOOD sign. My responses created distance between us. Looking back, I see that as a good sign as well. I keep returning to the feeling that he needs to be alone for some time to focus inward and not be so focused on the 3D events, actions of others, and things that happen that are out of his hands. All those distractions keep him from working on himself.
For me, since the Pocket Call, I have taken care to not labor over the events that re occurring in my world but to look behind, beneath and inside them for the signs and guidance I need to further my soul’s goals here on the blue marble.
The hope is that we all achieve exactly what we set out to do here. It is our primary responsibility to be accountable for ourselves. Yes, our relationships and encounters here are super important. They are the lesson plans we work through to achieve the goals of this lifetime. But if I am only a great friend and I have not achieved what I set out to accomplish than I have failed.
It’s probably also important to point out that JP and I are not a couple. I’m not sure that you were insinuating that we were, but I thought it important to point that out. Right now I need to be present for encounters of all shapes and sizes. This is a condensed time of massive soul growth for me, and I’m riding this wave to shore. If someone is standing there when I face plant in the sand I will be forever grateful.
Gosh, I just don’t feel that I am expressing well what I am trying to say. This is a start. Let’s keep this going – there’s some good stuff here that needs to be explored. Perhaps in a post.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for taking the time to ponder my my thoughts Cleo. I think you and I are having similar struggles over how to turn into words something we are feeling deep down. It may not even be fully possible for me to articulate how I feel about this situation, but I am going to keep trying.
I am aware that you and JP are not a couple, but I presumed that you were somewhere on the “will they or won’t they” bumpy road that sometimes leads to becoming a couple. But my opinion stands even if JP will never be anything other than a true friend.
I feel, and maybe this is just me, that my impact on this blue marble is the way I change the lives of the people I love. Being centered within yourself is incredibly important, and maybe that is what you need to be focusing all your energy on. But I wouldn’t want you to lose sight of what makes our lives rich. It’s the people we impact and those who impact us. JP might be one of those people.
Have you had a conversation with him where you ask him what it is he wants from you? Where is he going? And how does he want you to be a part of it? These answers don’t tell you how to proceed but they can let you know what you are working with.
Meg
P.S. You are a rock star
M,
“Have you had a conversation with him where you ask him what it is he wants from you? Where is he going? And how does he want you to be a part of it?” I need to be able to ask questions like the ones you propose on a regular basis. These are the types of questions that foster a healthy dialogue around boundaries and needs. They are simple, yet potent.
Thank you for reminding me to be conscious of the value in each encounter I have here on the blue marble. As you expressed, it is through these encounters that we experience the delicious bounty of life. They may not always feel good, be what we want, or leave us breathless, but they are all so very crucial to our growth, our journey.
I will value each one, and continue to work on being gentle and loving with every soul that crosses my path.
You are the Slash to my Axl, the Ringo to my John, the Bruce to my Clarence. Rock on, beautiful girl.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Um, Cleo, dearest….. what the hell did you see in the driftwood? I’ve spent far too long gazing and all I see is a slight fuzzy Madonna-like image at the bottom but my curiosity is killing me. What did YOU see?
J,
Darling, you will have to wait till tomorrow night. You crack me up. I hope you are not disappointed!
What I saw was perfectly suited to what I needed to see. I’m sure you know that. And it’s fascinating to read that we all saw something different. All from a piece of drift wood. I am bat-crazy about drift wood now. Last night at Limantour I must have taken 20 pictures of drift wood. I only wish I could carry it all home.
Love yourself,
Cleo
June 26, 2012 my two kids and I were driving from the Bay Area to Washington to be with my soon-to-be ex husband. In Oregon we saw a magnificent double rainbow. I took a picture of it with my phone. Little did I know, that was the beginning of the end of my marriage. So many things have changed since then, and being only 28 years old, I feel lost at times. Ex even has a new baby with the mistress. As I come up to the last step in my divorce it is wonderful and helpful to have found this blog. I’m inspired to make this a learning experience and to find the good in the bad. Thank you for sharing.
E,
I am so happy you found HGM and that the words here help to guide you. Double rainbows are confirmation that this life is about finding the magic, no matter how deep it may be buried in muck. It deserves to be found, and you deserve to find it. Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment. Continue to be inspired and stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo