As you can imagine, I have much to share. Too much for just one blog post. But the temptation to spill it all out is there. Oh, the pains of restraint! I am grateful for your patience, awaiting this first dispatch from Yachats. It will eventually be rewarded in big ways.
My view is the sea. Through a wall of glass I gaze at a Pacific that is anything but peaceful. While the waves aren’t huge, they are relentless. And in a hurry. A half-dozen are breaking at any given time, under a sky of dense, gray clouds. The foam rushes the shore. Eventually, the breaking waves will cover up the sand, crashing instead on the rocks that create the only barrier between me and it.
I feel like I am on the edge of the world.
That feeling began the moment Mr. Jackpot came to pick me up on Sunday. He had slept at work, burning the midnight oil in an effort to be able to depart with a clear head. Mission unsuccessful. You know how most people are somewhere on the giddy spectrum the day they are leaving on holiday? Mr. Jackpot was on another spectrum. The one where coming down from work is like descending the face of a skyscraper in high heels. He was fairly clenched. It was going to take a while for him to unwind, of that I was certain.
We started up the 101. In silence. As the miles passed, the trees changed. The hills weren’t speckled with Oaks, but blanketed in a coastal rain forest. I swear I would not have blinked twice if I saw a fairy run across the road. Or Sasquatch. Especially when we were deep inside a grove of redwoods on a stretch of old highway 101 known as the Avenue of the Giants. I have never felt so small. Mammoth sentries lined the winding road, blocking out most of the sun light. I felt like I was being watched the entire time. Not by Mr. Jackpot. By the trees. Their massive trunks capped with a humble spray of relatively stubby limbs cloaked in green wisps of needles, as if they put all their energy into their foundation alone.
I remembered the solar eclipse.
There’s a solar eclipse at some point today, I said as looked at my phone, not expecting much of a signal. Expectation met. I looked it up on Mr. Jackpot’s iPad. Yep. Solar eclipse that evening. It had already been setting twitter on fire in other parts of the world. Apparently it was a spectacular sight. But it was to be no more spectacular than in one particular place, according to the article I was reading: the area comprised of southern Oregon and northern California. That realization started to light the fires of adventure in us both. We may witness a celestial event in one of the most gorgeous places on the blue marble, which also happened to be the perfect place from which to view it.
Timing and location were going to be key, but we had another, more pressing goal. To find a Madrone tree that Mr. Jackpot first discovered in 1997 and had not returned to since. As if that’s possible.
We made a left off the 101 into a state park and were greeted by a herd of Roosevelt Elk grazing in a meadow. By this point I had quietly gasped so many times it became my method of breathing. We began a dirt road climb that ended a half-mile later at a locked gate.
Wanna go for a walk and see if we can find it? I went up on my mountain bike in ’97, but I’m guessing it’s not more than a 4 mile hike in. Game?
Absolutely.
I hadn’t expected a hike and was craving it. It had been a few days since I was out on the planet on foot, soaking in nature. I changed out of my flip flops into hiking boots and grabbed my water bottle.
We set out, with me not paying attention to the fact that I was swinging a couple ounces of water and Mr. Jackpot carrying a 25 pound pack. It wasn’t too hot out and we had guzzled quite a bit of water on the way here. We’ll be fine, I thought. We began our ascent flanked by groves of redwoods that soared to the sky. It became a game to peer through the massive trunks to find the really, really big grand daddies that failed to hide deep in the grove, set back off the fire road, surrounded by descendants. Slowly the redwoods began to share the earth with stunning Douglas Fir trees that thrived in their environment.
We stopped to watch a snake eat a newt. Kind of unsettling, a little eerie, but also kind of magical.
This was turning in to quite a climb as the road continued to tilt. My legs enjoyed the burn from the elevation gain. At one point Mr. Jackpot commented that I ought to be wearing the pack and consider this a good training hike for my climb of Mt. Whitney. We stopped to trade off and had some water, remarking for the first time about the short supply. A park ranger came by in his pickup.
You heading up for the solstice?
Neither of us corrected him. Yep. How much further up?
Well, it’s about another mile or so to the ridge and then another half mile down to…
That part didn’t matter. The tree we were seeking was on the ridge. If we saw the eclipse, great. But we were here to see the tree. Mr. Jackpot was deeply engaged with his GPS trying to zero in on where it might be.
What are you looking at?
A GPS tracking device.
Planning on where to dump the body?
I wouldn’t have driven this far. Besides, I have three tracking devices on us and you have your iPhone. I’d plan way better than that. Maybe if your SIM card stops working you can start getting nervous.
We came to an intersection of the fire road and a grassy trail which snaked off to the right, widening into a road that nestled just below the ridge. Off we went in search of the largest Madrone tree Mr. Jackpot has ever seen. And we went. And went. And went. At the bottom of yet another climb I was ready to throw in the towel. I had about an ounce of water left and it was nearing six o’clock. The descent is not always faster on rocky fire roads, especially in the darkened understory of a coastal rain forest.
Besides, we turn into prey at sundown. And I was already parched.
Let’s get to the top of this climb and see where we are, but we really should head back down soon.
At the crest of the hill, visible just beyond a slight bend in the trail, was a tree unlike any of those surrounding it. Unlike any I had ever seen. It looked like the body of a sea creature whose head was plunged into the earth during a tsunami 500 years ago. It could never extricate itself, but still managed to live on. Parts of its limbs were smooth, and rippled like the muscled hind legs of a chestnut-colored thoroughbred horse. Some parts were peeling. And others fully clothed in dark bark, rumpled like a trusty and fraying cardigan.
It begged to be climbed. Sitting up on its first branch, a twisting mass that was at least equivalent to eight of me, stacked prone, one on top of the other, I marveled at the strength of this tree. How the very limb upon which I reclined did not crash to the ground under its own weight was a mystery for those with much more talented brains than mine to unravel. I was simply in awe.
Thoughts of anything other than the majesty of this hauntingly beautiful tree, and I do not use that phrase lightly, fell away for us both. It was at that moment that we realized the light was changing. It had a different character to it. Not quite milky, not translucent, just a little pale, a little flat. It penetrated the canopy urging us to depart for the meadow to see what we could of the eclipse.
When we emerged from the woods we took off our sunglasses and held them at 90 degrees, one behind the other, to safely glimpse the eclipse. At first we couldn’t tell if it was just beginning or nearing its end. The woods surrounding our meadow buzzed with the sounds of birds, crickets, and little ground-dwellers scurrying about. Mosquitoes ran laps around my head.
Mr. Jackpot got the angle just right on our viewing contraption and watched the moon slide into place directly in front of the sun. He handed me the glasses. As I fumbled with getting the angle right the forest silenced itself. Nothing moved. Nothing spoke. We all just breathed as the Sun, the Moon and the Earth lined up. It’s safe to say that when the perfect alignment was reached a shot of celestial energy pegged us all right between the eyes.
Alignment.
I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture of a remarkable moment in time. I felt cradled by the Universe. We embarked on a silly mission to find a tree and found ourselves in the most perfect place at the most perfect time to witness perfect alignment.
A few sun salutations later we were on our way down the mountain. Our 8 mile round trip hike was more like 13 plus. We gained over 2000 feet in elevation. We had four ounces of water and no food. We witnessed a magical celestial event and laid our bodies along the 500 year old limbs of a remarkable tree hidden in a forest of giants.
When we got to the car I pulled out my phone to tweet to you the picture of the eclipse.
It was then that I realized my phone wasn’t working. The last text I received was when I climbed the Madrone. I squinted at the words which appeared on the upper left corner – where my signal bars used to be.
No SIM.
What was it Mr. Jackpot said about tracking devices and SIM cards? Maybe I should take a peek in the back of his truck when he isn’t looking…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Helen J. says
Ok reading this, I nearly held my breath the whole time, it was like a suspense movie all rolled up into one little blog LOL, it was magical, almost like I could picture what you were seeing….*insert great big sigh here* lol….. I missed the eclipse because of work, but geez la weez reading this, was like I was actually seeing it!! LOL Have a blast, breathe….. relax, and marvel at natures beauty but from a different location I am sure you will discover more about yourself on this trip…. and Mr.J is a very patient man this may be the breather you both really need can’t wait to read more…hugs and love to you Cleo xoxo
admin says
H,
Oh, H. You are so very kind. I am delighted that my words came to life for you. That makes me so happy I’m shimmering.
Nature has, and continues to be, my inspiration. I’ve never felt so close to her before.
Taking your hugs and love and running with them…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cathy says
I love reading your blog. Not because I relate to the divorce stuff…b/c I haven’t been divorced. But because I was single (not married) for 37 years. I definitely dated for many years and was extremely frustrated that I kept dating the same guys…and not truly knowing myself. I took a trip in July of 2004..by myself! It was a huge thing for me. I had never traveled alone. I flew to Portland and met up with a friend and then drove alone to SF and met up with another friend. I drove on I-5 until I got closer to the California border and then I went through the forest to 101 and drove along the coast all the way to SF. It was an amazing drive. The trees were unbelievable. I saw elk and I too felt like a fairy had jumped into my car and transported me to another universe. Thanks for taking me back to that moment.
Now..I’m happily married (we found each other in 2005 and married in 2007)…and have two sweet little boys. And we’re moving to SF in the next couple months. I feel like I found myself on that trip..and once I found myself…I found everything I had ever wanted.
Hope to see you around sometime.
Thanks again!
Cathy
admin says
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. You picked a perfect place to journey, here on the coast. I truly don’t want to leave. I could remain here for all my days, crawling over the lava boulders and playing tag with the waves. I sit here, gazing at the sea, perpetually blown away by nature.
Your note has made me smile a big, wide, happy-go-lucky grin. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
J says
Gorgeous. Breathtaking. Amazing.
You, Cleo, are lion-hearted.
Thank you for sharing
Best,
J
admin says
J,
My pleasure, J.
And you, m’lady, are Gorgeous. Breathtaking. Amazing.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Txcris says
Whew! I’m all caught up! Great job on the forgiveness. My 5 year divorce anniversary was a few weeks ago and I patted myself on the back at how far my ex and I have come. I loved his soul at one point as well, but his soul wasn’t enough to keep our marriage healthy. But for the past 2 years we’ve found our new significant others and are respectful and happy for each other. I don’t remember a “date of forgiveness” but over time it finally came to me to stop blaming him for his shortcomings and I think he did the same. We don’t see each other often, since our kids are older and the transfers happen when I’m at work or as a drop off when I’m not home, but when we do, we can catch up like old friends and the resentment is gone. Here’s to you and the G getting to that point some day. Glad to be back in the know with HGM!
admin says
T,
Oh, boy…really? Do I have to get to that point? Say it isn’t so! I can’t imagine sitting down and yucking it up with The Genius. Then again, it wasn’t all that long ago that I felt I could never forgive him.
Maybe one day, T. One day…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Brianna says
Thank you for all your insight. I have been reading for a while, but too shy to comment…
My parents separated and divorced when I was 7 due to a variety of betrayals. I am now 30 and can say they have become friends. We do holidays together and they help each other out when in need. It took them a long time to get to this point, and I am not saying you need to go so far with the Genious, but as their daughter it has been healing for me to see things go from good to worse to good again. Take care.
Bri
admin says
B,
Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment. Your perspective on divorce is very intriguing to me. If it feels okay, would you also tell us a little about what it felt like for you when they worked through their divorce? As I do all of this self-excavation, I am also focused on creating a positive environment for the boys. I fluctuate between feeling I’m doing a good job and I can do a MUCH better job. It makes sense that I would sweat this out – it’s the single most important aspect of my journey right now, but I don’t want to hyper-focus on it.
I just want to create a light, happy, playful, loving environment for the boys. Do you have any words of guidance for me?
As for The Genius, I will go as far as I am comfortable going in terms of our encounters in the future. I’m not going to focus on him, but rather align with my true self and compassionately state what I need (boundaries!) in order to be comfortable in his presence. My ultimate goal being to teach my children about compassion, forgiveness and healthy human relations. All sorts of people are going to come in and out of my life. Some will be comfortable to be around and some uncomfortable. My desire is to remain in sway, balanced, at peace, regardless.
Thank you, B. I’m really happy you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo