Has anybody looked under the rug lately? I bet it’s a mess. We’ve got to stop sweeping stuff under there.
Especially the fallout of personal betrayals, whatever flavor of betrayal you happen to be tasting.
This week I attended our third co-parenting counseling session. All that I am obligated to attend as a requirement of the marital settlement agreement. There is a fourth session on the books for next week. I’ll go. And that will be the last. It’s not that she isn’t effective. She provides a safe forum to reinforce the importance of keeping adult issues and problems far away from children. She also spots ways in which children may be better served with a shift in strategy or a new way of communicating; treating co-parenting as a business relationship. But when it comes to those who walk through her doors not just divorced but also having to co-parent with a person who had an affair, they will need to park that outside.
As she said, You can’t unpack that in here.
In that room I understood how it’s not the venue for therapy on the issues between my former spouse and me. The statute of limitations has expired on couples counseling. They expired with the beginning of his affair. But, as I have pondered the idea that we’re supposed to conduct healthy, productive co-parenting counseling without taking into consideration the affects of infidelity on us BOTH, it seems then that I have to redefine successful co-parenting counseling. It’s really not counseling as much as a class on compartmentalization.
It’s safe to say that in the room I am the one with the least amount of compartmentalization experience. As an empathic Piscean, I’m like the Titanic – there are no airtight doors. While my former spouse also happens to be a Pisces, it’s a proven fact that to conduct a double life (one where there is still the representation of being in love and working on the marriage with hopes of a long future together) requires a PhD in compartmentalizing.
So I left session three reminded of the importance of creating an environment for The Dudes that is devoid of the negative energy that exists between my former spouse and me. I am on board with that 100%. They deserve a childhood, complete with experiences with negative energy so they can learn how to deal with emotions, create boundaries and grow into healthy adults. But it’s kid-sized negative energy, not adult-sized.
The negative energy that pings back and forth between my former spouse and me is not a result of not connecting as spouses. It’s not the result of falling out of love. It’s not the result of not having physical chemistry. It’s not the result of getting divorced. That negative energy is the result of infidelity. Betrayal being Heartbreaker’s savage sibling.
I could diffuse that negative energy with one choice. One simple choice.
Shut up.
Had I chosen to write privately in a journal and keep secret the fact that my former spouse lived a double life, this is the story that would be told about our marriage:
We grew apart. The travel took its toll. We just didn’t have that passion anymore. We lived in denial that we weren’t a good match.
And nobody would talk about the infidelity. On the scene would appear a woman. In our case within a few weeks. Maybe The Dudes would have questions. Maybe they would bury them, save them for later in life. If they asked them at this young age we would need to deflect them in a variety of ways. Life would go on. Our families would move forward as if nothing happened other than our love gradually dwindled to nothing, like so many married couples these days.
But there would be palpable tension because of the adultery. It wouldn’t go away. Maybe around the age of 30 one of The Dudes would become inquisitive. Maybe younger. He would connect a few dots and line up some dates and realize that there was an affair. He would file that away with all the times that someone told him that We grew apart. The travel took its toll. We just didn’t have that passion anymore. We lived in denial that we weren’t a good match. On some level he would recognize that no one talked about the affair. Not his Dad. Not his Mom. Not the other woman. Not his extended family. No one spoke about it.
It must be because it’s something everyone does, but no one owns up to.
And then maybe he would think, wow – that had to hurt. I don’t like it when someone lies to me. Didn’t Mom and Dad say we shouldn’t ever lie? But I guess it’s okay to lie about infidelity. It’s not okay to cheat on tests, but I guess it’s okay to cheat on your spouse. As long as you keep it quiet. Mom was real sad for awhile. But she dealt with it. I guess it’s okay. And Dad was happy. He had a girlfriend, his whole family embraced her right away. I guess that’s normal.
I have to assume it’s normal. Because nobody is telling me it’s not.
While my former spouse reminds me that we lived in denial and how devastating that was for our relationship, he wants to live in denial about the affects his infidelity has on our ability to have any type of relationship now. But that’s understandable. Sweep it under the rug and opt for remembering only that which we both play a part in – not being good enough to grow as husband and wife. Never mind the fact that for one-third of our marriage that goal was completely impossible because of deceit.
What’s utterly fascinating to me is that a healthcare professional trained in family therapy also suggests we operate in denial in co-parenting counseling. Her reasoning may be that it’s simply not the venue to address the adultery. I understand that. But that is part of the big snowball of denial that contributes to the shame of infidelity.
Shame.
This word has been screaming for my attention for the last month.
The Magician remarked that he was truly impressed by my willingness to speak so openly about my experience with infidelity. I laughed. Sure, but I’m writing anonymously.
My former spouse thinks I should be ashamed of choosing to write openly about the experience of infidelity because of what it will do to The Dudes when they find HGM and read it. The co-parenting counselor insinuates that I’ve made a questionable choice in writing openly about my experiences, although she applauds my choice to do so anonymously. But she probably believes I should have kept my mouth shut and my fingers still.
Then there’s my face. Or half of it anyway. My former spouse expressed his disapproval (maybe anger, maybe just put out, but it was expressed with intensity) with my choice to use half my face on the cover of the book. The counselor wasn’t stoked either. They both suggest that The Dudes will one day find it. See it. Perhaps read it.
What will the kids at school say? What will the parents at school say? Kids and parents talk!
I should have kept quiet.
Infidelity happens all the time. Why did I have to speak out? Couldn’t I have been like the others and just kept my mouth shut?
Later that night, as I shared the experience of session three with one of my incredibly supportive brothers he said, “You did get custody of your face, right?”
Yes. And I have custody of my mouth, too. And my fingers and every part of my being.
The Dudes will not have a mother and father that love and support each other. I’m not going to be bullied into feeling guilty about that by anyone, including myself. The entire burden of that unfortunate set of circumstances lays directly on the shoulders of my former spouse because he chose to have an affair. And I am not going to feel guilty about that either.
It is for this very reason that I am going to spend my days raising awareness about the destructive affects of infidelity on families. We need to examine marriage and the epidemic of infidelity, instead of sweeping infidelity under the rug. If monogamy isn’t possible than stop getting married. If we still want to get married than let’s stop saying till death do us part and say until we can no longer make each other happy. At which time we will sit down and restructure our relationship like honest, mature adults.
Most important of all, let’s provide our children a better shot at a healthy relationship by teaching them through example how to have one. We need to openly discuss the serious problems surrounding modern marriage, the devastating effects of infidelity, and the fact that not everyone should get married. And we have to stop cramming the fairy tale down their throats, training them to think that their value as a human is decided in large part by whether or not they get married and have children.
I’ve heard a thousand times that our marriage had big problems well in advance of my former spouse letting someone else in (as if he simply answered the door). I agree. I accept responsibility for my role in that. Big time. I believe I create my reality.
But I will not agree that my former spouse’s affair is simply an ugly side effect of a broken marriage. His choice to cheat was a solo decision that decided our future. We had a solid friendship; understandably frayed during the four years that he was having an affair, but for 16 years we always had the basis to maintain a friendship, even if we had to experience the sadness that is a divorce brought on by falling out of love and wanting more out life. With time and counseling we could have provided to our children the opportunity to have two parents who together could celebrate their successes, nurture their souls, and console them when they felt pain. Even if they no longer loved each other as husband and wife.
I forgive him for his affair. I understand why he felt compelled to go in that direction. I don’t blame him. Everybody does it.
But I will not be ashamed for choosing to speak up instead of shut up.
When The Dudes find out (which they would even if I never wrote a word about it), I hope they will understand that I felt compelled to speak openly about infidelity not as punishment for their Dad’s choices, but in an effort to get people talking so that there is less infidelity.
Then, if one of their friends teases them about the words I have written, I hope that I will have raised them to have healthy self-esteem and no shame so that they say, “I’m proud of what she has done in an effort to stop infidelity.”
My favorite barista at The Office said, “You have a better shot at climbing Mt. Everest backwards in a thong.”
I used to think she was right.
But now I see that it’s only silence that feeds infidelity.
I’m not ashamed to speak up. Utterly drained by getting these words out, but lighter with the realization that it’s okay to talk about it. I’m not a bad Mom for doing so. I’m not better than my former spouse or a bad wife. I have an opinion, a goal, and a platform. This is not a vendetta, this is a mission to teach people that a marriage can come to an end without the knife in the back that is infidelity and that we fail to grow emotionally and spiritually if we don’t speak up about infidelity.
The next time someone says, “S/He’s married, but we’re in love” sieze the opportunity to say, “Go home and have a conversation, not an affair. You will regret not doing so.”
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am so glad you put half your face on your book. I don’t know why, but I like to know what people look like–it completes the picture for me. As for the anonymity, I your writing isn’t vindictive or slandering. I think your ex is the only person you’d hurt by ‘outing’ yourself. Like you said, your boys will figure it out if they haven’t already. And it does need to be talked about to take away the shame and, like I think you pointed out, to ‘unnormalize’ it and show that there are consequences to actions, although lots of marriages survive infidelity because it can be a symptom and not a disease. In my case, I didn’t know how to communicate or what, if anything, I was feeling and an affair stirred things up although the end result wasn’t what I wanted. Does that make sense? I’m rambling. Anyway, thanks for writing about it. Even though I’m on the other side of the fence, I appreciate hearing what you have to say.
E,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your perspective. Un-normalize it – BRILLIANT! Yes! That’s the essence of what I am trying to say. It’s become normal. Yet, betrayal, as we all know, isn’t normal. It’s not felt as ‘normal’. There’s nothing normal about it! Like you, I didn’t know how to communicate and I couldn’t feel. I’m assuming by ‘other side of the fence’ you mean that you had an affair. If so, I am ultra grateful you took the time to comment. Both sides make choices because of the same stimuli – not knowing how to communicate, not being clear about feelings, not feeling safe enough to express our inner struggles. That is what we need to work on – how to compassionately and honestly, without fear, express our fears, concerns, frustrations. Thank you, E. I am so grateful you are here. Love yourself, Cleo
It’s your face and your book. It is not your job to keep your ex-husband’s scandalous secrets. Divorce memoir is a very popular genre right now and yours is very unique. I’m glad you took ownership of your work. I was reading back to some of your earlier posts the other day and I started mentally casting it as a movie. I treally think if you send it out, someone will option it. Julia Roberts comes to mind immediately.
I can’t remember the age of your boys, but you might want to let them know now that their dad and his ??? (what do you call her?) met and dated while you were married. You can say it in a way that will lessen the blow later when the book starts getting press. I think having it hit them in a few years will be way worse.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Nothing would bring more attention to my goal of un-normalizing infidelity than to have HGM become a film. I have some work to do to get the word out on the book – manifesting earth angels to bring to me a screen writer is high on my list. Thank you for encouraging me!
Intuitively I feel that it’s not my place to tell The Dudes about their Dad’s infidelity. At this age – 6 and 8 – they are too young to know, although they are exposed to confusing signs I’m sure. I feel that they are best served through me remaining centered and compassionate, and full of love and happiness as I help them to become independent doers and thinkers, who have healthy self-esteem and self-love.
Yes, M. It is my face. And no makeup! I did however have my stomach photoshopped. 🙂
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo! I haven’t been able to comment because of login issues, but I’ve been right here cheering you on since you made the switch to Divorcedmoms.com.
This post is so spot on. Your narcissist admitted he had plans to live his double life indefinitely and you ruined his plans by listening to the Pocket Call. How dare you?!?
This sort of logic makes shudder. You tore down his facade and held a mirror up to his face, forcing him to see his true self. I don’t think he liked what he saw. At all. And that’s when he brought out the big guns of denial, deflection, compartmentalization, and rage.
What makes me laugh and want to strangle someone at the same time is how these cheaters are suddenly concerned about their children. He wasn’t concerned about his children while he was boinking the HDC, taking time from them to be with her, not being present when he was with them due to the stress of leading a double life, dishonoring his family, etc. The concern now is managing their view of him. And he so doesn’t want them to know the truth. But? Facts are facts.
He doesn’t think you should have written a blog. Or used half your face (which is gorgeous, by the way!) on your book cover. What is truly sick about this is he is using the children as an instrument to try to control you. “What if other children find out? Or their teachers?”. What he’s really afraid of is that The Dudes will discover why their family has been torn apart, why they have to sleep in different houses, why their mother had not been herself for that time, who the girlfriend really is, and worst of all, that dad is the one who blew up their lives.
I’m still with my husband (the giant narcissist) because I looked down that abyss of co-parenting and I honestly could not be certain that my H would make choices in my child’s best interest. That made my decision for me right there.
It’s so good to “talk” to you again, Cleo! Hope your beautiful mother is doing well.
S,
Thank you for staying close, for dealing with the login issues and for all your love and support over these many moons. While my former spouse will say that our marriage ended because he fell out of love, we grew apart, and the recent one – I was okay with all the travel – as if that’s a fault of mine as opposed to being a supportive wife dealing with his choice of career. But this quote from an article I received from a kitten JUST as I hit publish on this post set me back to center: “Unhappy marriages don’t cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity.” I’m grateful I am not married to someone who doesn’t understand that. My Mom is – I am struggling to find the words – inspiring. She is living her life as she always has – with passion, love, joy and gratitude. She is gracefully accepting the cancer that is in her body. I am floored by her grace. She still keeps up with HGM, is as feisty as ever on her opinions, but exhausted. Please send her a “Get Out of Suffering” free energy card. That’s all we ask. That she does not have to suffer. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am so angry about the attitude of the counselor and your ex that words are failing me. If you aren’t willing to openly speak about your actions, you shouldn’t be doing it. I get that the counselor wants to limit the conversation to co-parenting but expecting you to be silent? Un-flaming-believable.
Saw an OUTSTANDING counselor and PAIRS (practical application of intimate relationship skills) leader recently. His opinion is that anger is almost never anger. There is an underlying primary emotion. In your ex’s case I would hope shame is beneath his anger. Shame that you rightfully came forward and shone a bright light on something that truly required exactly that – his infidelity and infidelity in general. And to try to make YOU feel bad about it is more evidence of the increasing emotional chasm between you. You are growing in amazing ways. I would doubt he can make the same claim.
Please forgive my rant. I 100% agree it’s important for it not to be buried and for the boys to understand infidelity is not acceptable behavior under any circumstances. There are two honorable choices and two only: end it or try to fix it. His actions are a reflection on him.
Pulling for you with every fiber of my being right now Cleo. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I am very grateful you write about this and make so many of us feel more human at a time when we couldn’t be more lonely, afraid and vulnerable. Thank you. I am eternally grateful I found this blog. It has saved me many times.
D,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, for your kind words and for your creative use of the word flame. Loves that. And you. It wasn’t just me that had to remain silent. My former spouse wanted to justify his infidelity and she wouldn’t let him do that either. To his credit, he did apologize for hurting me. I appreciate that. But it highlights the destructive nature of infidelity. His apology doesn’t make me want to rebuild any kind of relationship with him. At all. Do I think he’s sorry for hurting me? Sure. I also think he’s pissed that he has to own his choice. And that anger comes back to me. Which negatively affects our ability to co-parent. Yesterday I sobbed my way through the hills of west Marin. It felt as if a karmic agreement came to an end. A friend recently told me, You’re not supposed to rebuild a relationship with him, you’re supposed to learn how to not have a relationship with him yet provide a healthy environment for The Dudes to grow up in. I’m hopeful. It’s been an emotional week which often leads to epiphanies, right? I, too, am grateful you found HGM, D. You are loved.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You’re not supposed to rebuild a relationship with him, you’re supposed to learn how to not have a relationship with him yet provide a healthy environment for The Dudes to grow up in. How do we do this? I’m in this same predicament and struggling. I chose parallel parenting which helps me but it’s a struggle some days.
I am just aghast at the counselor’s attitude. Repression is bad, right? She has to know that. The only ones who should be feeling shame are your ex, and that utterly confused counselor. I think your decision to go no further with the “counseling” is absolutely for the best given her attitude. You nailed it right here: “I’m not going to be bullied into feeling guilty about that by anyone, including myself.” That’s exactly what they’re doing. You have every right to tell your story, and I think you’ve gone way, way above and beyond with anonymity and in the obvious way you protect your boys in everything you do.
No shame. This is your reality, and how you’ve dealt with it in the aftermath has been such an incredibly beautiful and healthy thing for you, because you’ve used your writing as an engine for growth. He doesn’t like that? He shouldn’t have cheated. I suspect it just eats him alive seeing just how much you’ve blossomed and grown out of what was a deeply ugly and hurtful transgression by him. So, suck one, ex. Mine was similarly petty and resentful (not over a blog, but jealous of my relationship with a camera, for crying out loud)–too dang bad.
Silence not only feeds infidelity, it validates it. It shifts responsibility to the person who was wronged. That’s what they want you to do–stay quiet so that he doesn’t feel bad about what he’s done, so that he isn’t confronted with the reality he created, so that he doesn’t have to deal with the fact that what he did was wrong and hurtful and damaging. You are not responsible for his ego or his bad choices, so keep that voice loud and strong (because we would miss you EVER so much if you didn’t!).
R,
This needs to be on a t-shirt: “Silence not only feeds infidelity, it validates it.” So true. And when families don’t address it loudly, the silence hands out permission slips for infidelity. I am so grateful that I have HGM to turn to in order to express my feelings and beliefs and work through confusing experiences. I’m telling my story for us. Not to expose my former spouse or spew venom, as he has described it. My purpose is clear: to heal myself, to stop the normalization of infidelity, and to be there for others so they know they aren’t alone, providing them with some alternatives to shutting up and taking it. You know, stuff like speaking out and refusing to accept blame. (Creating my reality and accepting blame are not the same thing!) This post has been a tipping point for me. I am so grateful you spoke up. Lastly, you’ve been kind enough to share with me your photographs – I’m jealous of your relationship with your camera! You two are soul mates! Feel free to post a link on the Cleo Everest facebook page, please. Your work is stunning. The kittens would love it. Love yourself, Cleo
i so wished i could be as good a writer as you,,,i try—–when does your ex have the opportunity to talk to you, why is he still communicating with you—–uuughhhh—–get rid of him–im on board with you about infidelity—–i do not agree with you when you say,i forgive him,it happens and you understand why he did it——no cleo it does not just happens,he made a choice to lie and did not care about your feelings,,,,,he lied for 4 years knowing what he was doing,,,,knowing he was breaking his vows by cheating,,,when we are sick we go see a doctor to make it better,,,,he did not,,,,he decided for you and him how he was going to take care of the problems in his marriage—-he decided to betray you—–you had no saying,no decision making,no voice in his choice…he took your right to decide ,your opinion was not important,,,,but you had to live with the consequences——and he won,,,,he gets a new girl, is very happy, is only a part-time father,does not have to deal with ‘dailylife and kids life,,and he gets to dictate how you deal with his actions—–not fair is it—please do not let him decide how your kids will view you in the future,,,,do not lie to them,,,one day they will be hurt because their mom lied to them,they need to know the truth,,DONT YOU SWEEP THE TRUTH UNDER THE RUG—you will know how to tell them,they do not have to be protected from the truth about their father—all of a sudden he is concerned about his sons,,,where was that concern when he knew he was breaking up their world,that he was going to leave them for a new family and leave them alone—-the greatest gift you can give your boys is to teach them about relationships and how to treat females—-you have to teach them what a woman is and feels,,how horrible infidelity is,you will be the one to teach them how to be real men—-instill those values —as mothers we are to blame for how our sons turn out at times—we create this ‘oh he is a man’ type of attitude—-teach your boys about love,compassion,feelings, honesty,morals,relationships,betrayal,infidelity,pain,teach them how to protect themselves from people that will lie and betray them,these are necessary skills for they will someday be husbands—-infidelity can happen to them , give them the tools to deal with it,,,,,protect them from this unberable pain we have all gone thru in our lives,,,,give them the tools to survive infidelity and betrayal—-but most of all do not lie or cover up the truth,,,dont you betray your sons,,,,,do not become like your ex….a liar—–always give them your best,your HONESTY—-your boys will one day love you for always being real….for not also betraying them as their father did—-and you will betray them if you lie ,just as your ex betrayed you—-do not be like him—–you are far a much better person than he is—–you have every right to tell all and show your face—-he has no saying,no opinion in the matter—–next time tell him that you are exercising the same right he did when he decided on his own ,without consulting you, that he was going to fix the problems in your marriage,by getting a mistress and cheat for 4 years,without your knowledge——he can count his blessings that at least he knows what you are doing with the book,up front,no lying—-THAT IS HOW YOU DO THINGS…..UPFRONT
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your passionate support and guidance. I am very grateful to have you here. Let me clarify this quote from the post: “I forgive him, it happens and [you] understand why he did it.” I forgive him because I want the karmic cord cut. If I continue to be angry or resent him that cord remains. And to be tethered to him now is not something I am willing to tolerate. ‘It happens’ means, It happens all the time. It’s become normal. To have an affair is an excepted thing to do. Ask Gwyneth Paltrow. She respects her friends who have cheated on their spouses. My God. That’s nuts. I’m not saying hate them. I don’t believe in hate. But respect? What’s her definition of respect? As a society we have gotten so lazy. We expect so little from ourselves. I don’t want to mail it in during this lifetime. I want to continuously strive to be a better person. I understand why he did it – because infidelity was a very common thing in his world. Well, we live in different worlds. I won’t lie to The Dudes, but it’s not my job to express to them what their father did. That’s his job. I’d be making it easier on him if I told them. And harder on them. I’m only comfortable communicating to them how it felt. And why I made the choices I did. That’s it. Before they ask that of me, I’m going to teach them right from wrong and make them accountable for their actions. As a Mom to boys, it is essential for me to make the accountable. They aren’t little Princes who can do no wrong. They are human beings who can do wrong, and will. My job is to teach them while they are young so that their wrongs are not huge, devastating ones, but little wrongs from which they can learn. There are consequences for their actions. I’m not looking to be their friend, I’m not afraid to have them mad at me. It will all be worth it when they grow up to be respectable, responsible and possess healthy self-esteem.
Your words are spot on. Although I do have to say, my former spouse is not shirking his parenting responsibilities. He’s actually with them more now than when we were married. Of course. But it’s great for The Dudes. And for that I am grateful. Thank you again, J, for sharing with me your guidance. I truly appreciate every word. Stay close… Love yourself,
Cleo
I have gratefully been reading your blog for over a year and have considered commenting many times, but this post has identified what has for me been one of the hardest parts of dealing with divorce and infidelity, and now I’m compelled. I don’t know if I can keep this short – I’ll try. My former spouse represented to me and our children (13 and 11) that he was happy as could be until he began his affair and left our 27 year relationship 10 weeks later. He was done – no counseling, no attempts to slow down and even work to end our relationship with a shred of respect, despite our repeated affirmations to each other throughout our marriage that we would talk to each other and work to maintain a happy relationship, especially after having children. When he left, he told me he would sign an agreement for me to leave the state and move away with our children because he was prepared to “start over” with this other woman and her children. I chose to stay.
It was left to me alone to have the talk with our children about the end of our family. I read an article online by a psychologist which suggested that while telling children of an affair is generally not recommended with younger children, older children need some basic honesty about the situation or it undermines the trusting relationships between children and parents. My children were older and I felt that they needed some kind of explanation for the cause of this event because it was so sudden and traumatic for them (and me). I told them that their father said he loved someone else and didn’t want to be married to me anymore, that she was someone he worked with, and that he was living in another town with her and her two young daughters now. (He moved into her house immediately and I thought they should know where he was living so he didn’t just dissappear.) That’s it – no details. And then I got slammed.
His expectation was that this is “adult stuff” and I was wrong to have told them (even though he wasn’t present to tell them). The kids’ counselor agreed and went further and said that our kids needed to hear from me that we just couldn’t make things work anymore and I told her that was a lie, and that I was not going to lie my kids. But the expectation that I not only accept the betrayal but carry his lie “for the sake of the children” was astonishing to me.
Our divorce culture and no-fault divorce allows for the discarding of spouses, and there is tacit approval in our court system which sends the message to kids as acceptance of infidelity as common and normal. “Blended families” and “bonus parents” even of affair partners are presented as a worthy goal, while a betrayed spouse is simply meant to keep quiet, go to counseling, and move on. There is an assumption that if infidelity is present, there must have been something wrong with the marriage…which automatically removes the responsibility and consequences from someone making a choice not to talk with their spouse, instead of ending a marriage in any kind of respectful way.
I have ranted a bit here, and truly my frustration is with the family court system and the institutional justification of infidelity, not with my former spouse’s choice – I accepted that a long while ago. As I have come to understand, with help from your willingness to share your experiences, his departure from my life is a genuine gift that I am only just beginning to unwrap! I don’t like who he is or the conflict that comes from dealing with him, but I am ultimately still very grateful for the chance to create a life I love for myself.
Thank you again for all your words. They have helped change the course!
L,
Ranted? Oh, L. No you haven’t. You’ve written perfection. You nailed the outrageous way our culture deals with infidelity. Your words need to be read. A counselor that suggests you lie to your children? That infidelity happens when there is something wrong in the marriage? There is something wrong in EVERY marriage! Name a perfect marriage? Not possible! Infidelity happens when someone chooses to have an affair which breaks the vow of marriage. It’s a moral failure. A grave error that can be owned up to and rectified, unless nobody thinks it’s wrong. In which case everybody just needs to look the other way. Sorry. Not gonna do it. I don’t want to be part of creating any Us VS. Them, but in this case I gladly stand on one side of the room, refusing to participate in the normalization of adultery. You and I are in agreement on so much, especially this: “my frustration is with the family court system and the institutional justification of infidelity, not with my former spouse’s choice – I accepted that a long while ago.” Honestly, my former spouse is now a distraction. I have work to do. I appreciate the learning opportunities he continues to present to me, but I’ve moved on to the big picture. L, this is one of my most favorite comments ever. Thank you – and GOODNESS! All those times you considered commenting – I wish you did so I could have read your thoughts. Stay close, write often. Grateful you are here. Love yourself,
Cleo
Spot on
Well done Cleo! I love your blog. You are a kindred spirit in so many ways, including the fact that you are an empathic piscean! Happy Birthday! You and the dudes will have so much love and happiness in your lives because you have figured “it” out. The secret to life and happiness. I am grateful to you for so eloquently putting into words everything that I have been feeling and going through for the last 4 years. All the best to you and the dudes! Love yourself always and forever! The most important lesson I have learned for sure.
T,
Happy birthday to you! Thank you for your kind words and for being here. This has been an incredible journey. By now – and you realize this having four years clocked – I would have figured I’d be done excavating. Still so much to uncover. This post cracked a code for me, opened a door, and severed a karmic tie. It’s been a tumultuous week – but beautiful. So very beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me and for letting everyone know that we can make magic. And it begins with love. Love yourself, Cleo
That was wonderfully written. I struggle with this every day. My daughter is 6 years old and at 6 months old her dad left me for his affair partner and has since married her. She is asking questions now on why me and her father aren’t together, and everuthing you read or seek counseling about tells you not to reveal the affair. I do believe my daughter will connect the dots one day herself. And I don’t want to incriminate her dad, but I also don’t want her thinking it’s ” ok” to have an affair and that problems shouldn’t be worked out in a marriage.
i I speak openly to others and tell the truth as to why I am divorced. And I am not ashamed in the least.
G,
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. Intuitively I know that The Dudes do not want to know the specifics now. I also know that one day they will want to know. Although they will already have figured it out. I will be prepared to tell them how I found out and what choices I made thereafter. Between now and then I will continue to focus on building character, being honest, expressing unconditional love – all the things I would have focused on had I remained with my former spouse. We will succeed in teaching our children that betrayal and infidelity are failures, marriages with problems are opportunities for emotional and spiritual growth.
I am grateful you speak openly about why you are divorced. I recently read, Bad marriages don’t cause infidelity. Having an affair causes infidelity. The shame then lies with the adulterer. My goal is to be sure that those who deal with infidelity refuse to accept the burden of shame and instead fire it back to the one who cheated so they can learn from it. Then we are free to make magic. Right, G? Grateful you are here. Stay close… Love yourself,
Cleo
I guess I’m confused. Not with anything you wrote. I am confused about your ex-spouse. WHY does he keep bringing this up? Why does he continue to try and berate you? Forget the counselor, she sounds like the last person I would want to take any advice from, but your ex-spouse. WHY is he so keen on you shutting up? He’s the one living with a woman who he was not married to while he was having children and “playing house” with you. Is it because you’re not doing what he says? Is it because HE is embarrassed and doesn’t want his character ruined? He did that to himself. I just feel so angry right now because while YOU moved on and stayed positive, YOU, the one who was lied to, cheated on and deceived, HE keeps bringing it up. To you, to counselors, to anyone who will listen. WHY? HE DID THIS. This is his mess. And you stepped away and you aren’t going to pretend you made the mess or clean it up for him. GOOD FOR YOU. He lost the right to have his voice or opinion heard by you when he decided he could lie to you. FOR FOUR YEARS. His messes? Not yours. His lies? Not yours. His lack of basic morals and character? NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Next time Cleo, put your whole face on the book. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and you do NOT have to keep quiet. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.
One day your kids will understand. You are doing the right thing by not lying to them about what happened. Sure, they’re too young to hear all the nitty gritty details from you right now, but they deserve that when the time comes and they are of age. They won’t be little kids forever. In time they will see what their father did was wrong, and he didn’t just do it to you. He did it to THEM, too. Maybe that is what he’s trying to cover. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, mister. When you hurt the mother of your children, you also hurt the kids. A whole family is now fractured because of YOUR GIANT MISTAKE and your selfish heart.
C,
If I ever have to go into battle you are coming with me. As a matter of fact, will you bust my trail up Rainier? Thank you for taking the time to comment. After my final co-parenting counseling session today I reiterate that the counselor is right, but the message is damaging. It is about compartmentalization for the sake of the children, not couples or relationship counseling. I really appreciate your comment about not doing anything wrong. I’m certain it was painful for my former spouse to read the words I wrote in the early days of processing his infidelity. But it’s how I felt. That should be a lesson for those who are considering adultery. He made a bad choice. And lost a friend. Who is the mother of his children. I chose to write my way through it. I’m completely comfortable with my choices. And thanks to a kitten, I said a simple prayer last week and the karmic cord was cut. I’ll write about it soon.
Maybe next time I should go full frontal on a book cover. Yea, no. Stay close, C. Love your passion. Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for this piece. I’ve been feeling much the same and not quite able to articulate it. There is a conspiracy of silence around infidelity that absolutely casts the victim as an accomplice — s/he must’ve done something wrong or been a terrible spouse, etc.
My then-11 year old daughter figured out her dad was having affair the day after he moved out. She flat-out asked me, “Are you having an affair, too? Are you going to move in with your boyfriend?” Rather than sweep any of that under the rug, I chose to answer, “No, I am not having an affair. I made promises when I married your dad and I’ve kept my promises. I’m not moving in with anyone and no one is moving on with us.”
Over the past two years, I’ve learned more details about the affair partner and have kept them to myself. My former spouse hasn’t seen two of our three kids since he moved out. They refuse to even speak to him on the phone. And that’s without even knowing about the girlfriend. He showed a coldness and cruelty at the end of our marriage that may well be unforgiveable to the kids. It really wouldn’t have taken that much effort for him to have been mature and respectful, but it would’ve taken heart.
S,
Not able to articulate it? You just did. This is a gem: “It really wouldn’t have taken that much effort for him to have been mature and respectful, but it would’ve taken heart.” And courage. My hope is that our former spouses and those who have committed adultery will stop the damage by making good choices thereafter. Here’s the other gem – one I will keep in the forefront of my mind: “There is a conspiracy of silence around infidelity that absolutely casts the victim as an accomplice…” As I’ve quoted before: Bad marriages don’t cause infidelity. Having an affair causes infidelity. Thank you, Susan. Your words help us all. Stay close. Love yourself, Cleo
thank you for your reply—let me clarify,i did not imply you are responsible for telling them,,what i meant was be cautious of the ‘why’ comments ..kids will remember everything…watch that your answers do not turn to ;you lied to me ,mom later on in life….i always told my kids we got divorced because we grew apart,we wanted different things,blah,blah,blah..my twins at that time were 7,,my little girl one day sobbing said,MOMMY IF I WAS DADDY’S PRINCESS,WHY DID HE LEAVE ME,WHY DOES HE NOW CALLS{other womans daughter] MY LITTLE PRINCESS ,what’s wrong with me,he had to go and get another princess ,why did he change me for another princess? [yes shes been on IC for years] and my little guy wanted to know why his daddy came to his classroom to pick up[other womans son] and did not take him,at times would not even acknowledge him…i always made excuses protecting them,lying ….years later when they all figured out the deal,,,they were angry at ME for not being the person they thought i was….yes i thought at that time i was protecting them,but they were angry for the lies…it is difficult as parents to know what to do at times,,,i finally told them my side ,but they were disturbed , they always believed i was the one responsible for the divorce,they told me they all [5 kids[ blamed me and felt sorry for his dad,and that that was the reason they ‘accepted’ daddys girlfriend and were so nice to her,because they wanted daddy to be happy….they felt guilty,and yes back to IC,,, i tried cleo,but my kids did not appreciate my’lies’..to this day they are of the opinion that their life was all fake,with fake parents….sad but thats how they feel………as for the forgiveness issue,cleo i have forgiven myself, forgiven me for becoming the crazy,psycho bitch,i became…forgave myself for allowing him to hold the pen,while writing and defining the story of my life……..but no im honest i will never forgive him for the lies and the pain ,for the lack of love and compassion he showed towards me,, we had this quote in our bedroom ‘THE truth hurts, But i have never seen it cause the PAIN that lies do…..we looked at this every day ,every night…..promised each other……i wish him happiness and health,but up to now i cannot forget what he did, how he hurt the kids,how he killed my soul….we were both in the same stressful marriage and only one of us decided to go seek another sexual and emotional partner….and the kids and will be the only ones to bear the wounds of his bad choices….he is happy in his new life,new home,new family,and the kids and i are still going to counseling….im not bitter, just dealing with reality as it is ,i do not have hate towards him…i hate the choices he made…………….MISTAKE:going through a stop sign because you did not see it…….POOR CHOICE: you saw the stop sign and you went through it anyway
J,
I’m so glad we are having this conversation. We are not alone in pondering what is best for our children in light of infidelity and divorce. As we gather our ideas and methods we create a set of best practices. So grateful to have you here, J. The Dudes have asked a few questions and I reply with, “I can’t answer that now. It’s adult stuff. Later on in life, okay?” That’s enough to have them think to themselves, ‘I don’t want to know now. I want to go boogie boarding.’ Thank you for pointing out the perils of lying. Your words serve as a guide. We can choose our words carefully to protect them from the adult situations we are in. This is GREAT!: “THE truth hurts, But i have never seen it cause the PAIN that lies do.” My thoughts are with you. And I’m so grateful you are here. Love yourself, Cleo
Hi C!
I am terrible with the new site, my apologies! I find myself sifting through the new site to read only your words! 🙂
“His choice to cheat was a solo decision that decided our future.”
This is the single most important thought that I hope you paste above your bathroom sink! Read it every day… morning, noon and night! That sentence sums it all up in a nutshell. There is no blame, shame or moral responsibility on your shoulders! He made the first move in this game of thrones. Your every move since then is completely reactionary. You were playing the game of Marriage by the rules…. He decided to play a new game called Betrayal. One can’t mix Monopoly pieces with Scrabble tiles! They are two totally different games, with different rules!
The best thing that has happened is that you have opened your eyes, your heart, and your soul to a higher plane. I’m reasonably sure you were already ½ way to that place, but now you are actually there and realizing it! You continue to live the most amazing life…. Thankfully you now have two loving children to share it with! Things always seem so clear with my children… they guide me as I attempt to teach them. I feel the same must be true with your Mom. You are guiding her while she continues to teach you grace and love. I am praying for her, but ever so grateful she has such a loving daughter with whom she can continue to share her bountiful life! I am sending my love to all of you!!!
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, and my apologies for the delay in replying. I’ve been having a little adult time lately – I nearly forgot how to do that! Yes, the choice to cheat is a solo one and the consequences are dire. I see it playing out right in front of me and it’s sad.
I am so grateful for HGM. I live an amazing life because an amazing group of people, including my extraordinary Mom, made me feel safe so I could take risks. You all helped me to be brave until I could be brave on my own. The level of gratitude I have is immeasurable.
And now, after so many months if intense excavation and healing, I’m finally ready to remember how to play. How to have fun. Genuine fun. Without fear.
There’s lots of important words here at DivorcedMoms, but if you are pressed for time the HGM URL takes you right to me. And there you will find all the posts. Stay close, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am terrible with the new site, my apologies! I find myself sifting through the new site to read only your words! J
His choice to cheat was a solo decision that decided our future.
This is the single most important thought that I hope you paste above your bathroom sink! Read it every day… morning, noon and night! That sentence sums it all up in a nutshell. There is no blame, shame or moral responsibility on your shoulders! He made the first move in this game of thrones. Your every move since then is completely reactionary. You were playing the game of Marriage by the rules…. He decided to play a new game called Betrayal. One can’t mix Monopoly pieces with Scrabble tiles! They are two totally different games, with different rules!
The best thing that has happened is that you have opened your eyes, your heart, and your soul to a higher plane. I’m reasonably sure you were already ½ way to that place, but now you are actually there and realizing it! You continue to live the most amazing life…. Thankfully you now have two loving children to share it with! Things always seem so clear with my children… they guide me as I attempt to teach them. I feel the same must be true with your Mom. You are guiding her while she continues to teach you grace and love. I am praying for her, but ever so grateful she has such a loving daughter with whom she can continue to share her bountiful life! I am sending my love to all of you!!!
I am the child of a man who decided that the other woman was more important to him than my mother, myself, and my brother who was barely 6 months old by the time he walked out. As a child coming from that situation I personally get sick of professional adults thinking that kids are stupid and they don’t realize daddy is gone so we should just make mommy and daddy pretend to love and work with each other, daddy just doesn’t live there.
Contrary to popular belief I knew Daddy was gone. I didn’t know why he was gone but I knew it was something bad. If I had questions when I was younger ( He left when I was 5 or 6) my mother would simply say mommy loves you and will take care of you, daddy just has other things on his mind right now. ( Ever notice how people still want mommy to make daddy seem like the good guy in spite of the hell he is putting her through?) While I hope and pray your kids will never have their father disappear on them, this is exactly what mine did.
As I got older I asked questions of my mother and my father (when he actually answered his phone.) My mother never downed my father, but she never lied either. She told the plain and simple truth in the kindest way she possibly could. When I asked my father the same questions ( I was about 14 and literally wrote a list.) I was repeatedly told it was none of my business and he got angry with me.
I think they don’t want the kids to know the truth because that makes them responsible to more than just one person. Acknowledging the truth makes them liable to their ex, their kids, and their future. They have to acknowledge and live with it everyday, so instead of acknowledging this fault, they would rather the mother shut up for the sake of the children.
Screw that, speak loud and to everyone who will listen. Why? Because your voice could stop a man or woman from doing the same thing to their family. Speak loud to everyone because there is a woman out there who needs to see that she can make it after he crushed her world. Speak loud because what’s being said is not out of spite, but honesty and it takes some real humility and strength to bare your soul and share your pains. Speak loud because as long as we continue to ignore how affairs can ruin a home we as a people will be saying it’s okay, and it’s not. Speak loud.
J
J,
Thank you. I am so grateful you took the time to share these words with me. When somebody tells me that infidelity will continue to flourish, despite my efforts, I will remember your last paragraph word for word. And this sentence, from the perspective of the child in a family affected by infidelity and divorce is worth pondering: “Ever notice how people still want mommy to make daddy seem like the good guy in spite of the hell he is putting her through?” We really need to stop doing this and find another way to address infidelity with children. And remember that they aren’t bit players. They are deeply affected by that which they aren’t being told.
The pain caused by desertion is brutal. Thankfully, The Dudes are not dealing with that pain, and seem to be adjusting. But your words remind me that the road after the discovery of infidelity is a long one, filled with land mines that can be disabled, but not without great effort on the part of both parents.
You have inspired me to Speak Loud, J. And with such grace. Please stay close. I truly appreciate your perspective.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for your words. You do not know how they affect everyone going thru this right now. We are all in this vacuum of shame that we feel we cannot control. The pain that is causes is immense! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please continue to be our voice.
K,
I’m grateful you took the time to comment. This is such an important concept – I plan to keep the conversation going around the misplaced shame of infidelity. The last person that deserves to carry the burden of shame is the one cheated on. Please let’s celebrate the truth, embrace ourselves, and spin the nastiness of adultery into magic. Please. It absolutely can be done. Stay close, m’lady. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just happened upon this blog and reading the story of your journey has been a real comfort. I found out in January that my husband has been having an affair…after months of him whining about being depressed, not sure he wants to be married anymore, I (me) deserve better, etc. Something moved me to start searching his stuff and lo and behold I found the evidence. We are still in the same house, not sleeping together, and havent told our kids yet…4 daughters, 3 in college right now. I am fairly certain the affair is still going on, of course he says its over, but the lies just keep coming.
My role–the keeper of the unit, protector of the children and the family. Really struggling with how to tell the girls, how much to tell them(the truth?) and shouldering this burden of deception and lies and of course SHAME. I had decided that that we should wait until school was out in order to protect them, but this is literally like skinning me alive. Of course that just delays the consequences of HIS BIG MISTAKE, and allows him to basically have the best of both worlds. Looking for some advice from those of you that are in the muck or coming out on the other side….
L, Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so grateful you found HGM when you did. Please go back to the beginning and read the words of the kittens. There are a million morsels of wisdom in the comments as I wrote my way through the early days. If I wasn’t one foot on Mt. Rainier I would encourage you to call me. Let’s consider it perfect timing and a sign that you know what to do. But, here goes…You are free to unload all burdens. They aren’t yours to carry. Bad marriages don’t cause infidelity, having affairs causes infidelity. Having an affair insures the marriage will only decay further. So, this is on him. Plain and simple. It’s not your role to tell the girls. You don’t need to protect them at this age from the facts that are altering their world. He is to tell them. In your presence. And the whole truth. When he tries to justify his behavior, let him. When you speak your truth, let the girls know that you will be okay. You are their Mom forever. Your are strong enough to handle the discovery of his infidelity and you will use this terrible set of circumstances as motivation to set a proper example for them. YOU will take the high road. In these times, it’s your moment to shine. Crazy how that works, huh? L, stay close. Seize this opportunity. As hard as this may be to read right now, ponder the idea that you created this set of circumstances to demonstrate to yourself just how fantastic you are. I’ll be thinking of you on the mountain. Love yourself, Cleo
Cleo – I can so relate to you and your experiences with your ex – I also divorced my spouse after finding out he was having a year-long affair (that I know of – it could have been much longer). I felt absolutely nothing for him after finding out and was and am still so disgusted by him I can’t stand even being around him. We are amicable but that’s about it. You are the first person I’ve seen who feels the same – not crushed or infuriated and trying to get revenge. Just nothing. Thank you for making me feel normal 🙂