I missed a post deadline last night. So I spent the morning thinking up the things I could do to make amends.
1. Eat a spider.
2. Go into the crawl space under my house and make one round trip before exiting.
3. Eat a spider.
I’m going to leave it up to you to choose the proper consequence. But, before you do, please know that you would have totally supported my decision to delay the post till today. Also know that if I have to eat a spider I am cooking it. In a crock pot.
The day before my hike I received a comment by D. This is what she had to say:
“Just continue on your journey, keep asking yourself the questions and figuring out what it is that you truly want in life and try to make sure it is grounded in what you want and not in fear or hurt or insecurity.”
I took this golden morsel with me as I embarked on a hike from the sands of Stinson Beach to the East Peak of Mt. Tamalpais. I needed to make it a mantra. I repeated D’s words from sea level to the summit, and all the way back down again. And while doing so I discovered something big. My very being, my human self, my spiritual self, my emotional self and my intellectual self are being rewired. They are changing, shifting, becoming more and more alive with each brave step I take on this journey. And when I revert back to an old way of being the downward spiral is accelerated. I lose ground faster than Alice in the rabbit hole.
What was so fascinating about this discovery was that it crystallized in a way in which I could actually feel it. Let me try to explain. But first I have to tell you about my day and night.
It was epic. Waterfalls surged and wildflowers bloomed. A wild turkey escorted me for a 1/2 mile through patches of wild irises and tiny, yellow orchids. I passed a banana slug on the way up, and not surprisingly, at nearly the exact same place on the way down, 5 hours later. With the same ball of pine needles stuck to his bum. A two foot long garter snake with yellow stripes down his grey-green body patrolled his section of the trail, looking for baby bunnies I imagine. He, too, greeted me on the way up and down.
Then I passed two women who excitedly told me of a mountain lion sighting that morning. On the very trail I was taking to the summit. Did I tell you I was hiking alone? I immediately tried to make myself look bigger, hoping to both see and not see the kitty. I looked in spider webs to see if I could find the resident, I wrapped my arms around redwoods, and breathed in the myriad of forest, brush and water scents of Mt. Tam. 20 miles of sensory overload.
And then I met Mr. Jackpot for dinner at the Sand Dollar. I could not shower. I changed in the backseat of my car. At least I had a baby wipe to clean off my face. My feet were red and sore, my thighs ached, and my knees threatened to call it a day well in advance of their quitting time. I pulled off my pony tail holder, flipped my head over and and shook sweat, dirt and hitch-hiking bugs out of my hair. I was a sight, for sure.
Mr. Jackpot was the first person I saw when I entered the tiny restaurant with it’s 8-person bar, 2-person band (piano and an upright bass) and the perfect amount of charm for a seaside cafe.
“You look gorgeous. You’re glowing.”
I don’t shrug off compliments anymore. I lap them up. But this one I had to question.
“Seriously?” I had just spent 5 hours on the mountain on the first real hot day of the year and all I did to freshen up was change my clothes. Wow. Glowing. Maybe he confused sweating with glowing. Or maybe he didn’t.
We moved to a table in front of the window and spent the next two hours bouncing from topic to topic, pausing to stare into each others eyes deeply. Not in a soap opera kind of way, but with real intent to see the soul of the other. To let our souls speak to each other without our minds intruding.
Mr. Jackpot excused himself at one point and the bartender came out from behind the bar, walked over to me with a gentle smile and said,
“Your bartender approves.” I broke out my Julia Roberts laugh and felt the Universe laughing with me.
We wrapped our dinner and walked across the tiny two lane Route 1, down a path, across a bridge and to the beach. I have been in Marin for over a year and can you believe that I have not walked the sands at night? Not once have I strolled along the beach looking out at the black water with its frothy white trim and then up to the stars to lose myself in their endless glimmer. This was the perfect night to do so.
At one point on our stroll Mr. Jackpot cut me off in mid-sentence as I was trying to express to him the words of D. The need for me to question my feelings to make sure they were coming from a place of truth and not created from fear or insecurity. When he stopped me I let him. Right at that moment in time I felt part of my physical being shift to my right, out of my body. I observed her there. She had her head down. She felt flimsy and forlorn. She felt cast aside.
I was looking up at the stars when Mr. Jackpot cut me off. My gaze remained there for some time as I felt her separate from me. Without moving I sucked her back into my being and took a deep breath in through my nose and slowly exhaled through my mouth. I turned to Mr. Jackpot and said:
“Please don’t cut me off without letting me finish my thought. I doesn’t feel good to have that happen. And when I want to say something it’s because I really want to say it and I really want you to hear it.”
He smiled such a gentle smile at me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to him so my face was lifted to the sky by his shoulder, upon which my chin rested.
I looked into my body and there she was. Glowing. I know you understand that my request of Mr. Jackpot was a simple one, but its meaning was so much more potent. I stood up for her and she was elated, grateful, delighted and moved to celebrate.
So the Universe sent me a shooting star. And that’s how I wrapped my night. Much too late to post, but changed for the better in so many ways.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo – WONDERFUL post. From beginning to end. I am now disabled but do well remember the days when I could walk that trail – the exhillaration, the blackberry bush scratches, the sunburn. Stinson is one of those places I think of as heaven, and when I look at the view of Mt Tam from our house I think of Stinson and all the wonderful blackberry trails, sand, and fog.
But the end, where you stood up for (you) HER, that was the best. I wish I did that more often – and I promise to do it more often!
BTW, we spent many weeks renting in Stinson when my younger sister, who was single and able to make quick changes in her life, rented a house on Calle del Pinos. She made friends and drove over the hill a lot, and we celebrated her birthday at the Shakespeare theatre there. She moved several more times (she tended to move a lot) and was living and working in Alameda when in 7/10, she was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, an uncurable brain tumor. She flew away from us in December, 2010. It’s very hard for me to go to Stinson now, but I still dream of it.
C,
Stinson was sheer magic that night. The stars, the milky white glow from the city, the smell of sea grass and the laughter of youth from a gaggle of them several yards north – it made me feel so alive. I bet your sister flies back there on occasion. I would. I hope some day you go and you get to feel her there. I’d be happy to be your guide.
Thank you for your kind words. And for your commitment to stand up for yourself. That’s the most beautiful thing you can do.
Besides this –
Love yourself,
Cleo
beautiful post !! honestly its like we are right there with you….
as for the banana slug, i think you should bring a few home for the boys as pets and maybe they will keep the spiders away too !! and as for the mountain lion, bring that kitty home too – keep it in the garage, poke it now and again to keep it angry, then tell the genius he can only enter your home thru the garage!! by the way i cannot believe that he would think for one minute that you or your family would even have a conversation about him to your children let alone have a conversation with them that would trash him.
i have a feeling that is probably what is happening with the happy dance chicks xhusband and her children, so she must be mentioning to him that is what is going to happen with you and your boys. silly happy dance chick, doesn’t she realize that those two drank the poison and now they are feeling the effects, you my girlfriend are flying high and will be watching their demise from the heavens of everest !!
C,
I’d like to have that kitty right now. I’d airmail him to The Genius. The return address would say, Happy Dance Chick. Open with Eyes Closed. You’ll find out why in the next post.
Thank you for writing and apologies for the delay in responding. I’m keeping up with the comments as quickly as possible. I need to type faster!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading your blog albeit silently up to this point I suppose, but felt compelled to comment on this post. I too have struggled with speaking up for myself lately and I hope to be able to do so as eloquently as you did with Mr. Jackpot…
E,
It felt good, E. But I agree, it’s not easy. Tonight I didn’t do it so well. Ping. Pong. But eventually we’ll both come to center and we’ll marvel at how we used to let others shake us by the tail. While we lick our paws.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s wonderful to watch you grow on your journey. I’m not sure that is the response I would have guessed you to make when I first started reading your blog. I think having these real life, concrete moments of proof that you are indeed growing into yourself and allowing yourself to be who you are is pretty powerful. An inspiration I turn to when I find myself in similar situations. I’m not sure all of us can be that present in ourselves. It’s hard not to the let the world and other sweep us up in their wake but clearly it’s worth the fight.
I hope you can take these wonderful shows of strength with you when dealing with the Genius when he gets back. You’ve clearly turned your life on the West Coast around and it’s a sight to behold!
M,
Thank you. I need to read your comment on a regular basis so I printed it out and hung it on my wall. (Best take THAT down before The Genius returns!) I don’t want to need to be reminded that I have indeed turned my life around, but I still do need it. So thank you. Love you. Owe you. Don’t venture off…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I just read your entire blog and it is amazing! I have been struggling with the end of my marriage for 7 months to my husband of almost 20 years (who is a divorce lawyer!) who has been having an affair (with another divorce lawyer!) and has put us in financial ruin through risky investments and unpaid taxes. A total implosion of our lives.
I have never felt such devastating loss and betrayal. Like you–I trusted him with my life. I now see that he has been selfish and I put his needs and my kids needs before my own.
People who see me from the outside would say I am accomplished, pretty and have (or had) it all. Now I don’t know who I am and am struggling to rebuild me and my new life. You are embracing this in a way that is inspirational. Truly. I hope I can start to feel some of that inspiration and less negative self talk.
I also live in Marin and your references to the area are so lovely. I am grateful for this beautiful place during this time.
Keep writing!
P,
I am sitting here shaking my head. I swear, I don’t know where these people come from! I just replied to a woman whose husband cheated on her with their child’s teacher and now your divorce attorney husband cheats with another divorce attorney. They do spend their day dealing with the excruciatingly painful affects of infidelity, no? I am getting super agitated right now. I’ll need to hit the gym before I write tonight or it will be one long shredding of the human race. Err.
While it’s wonderful to have people support us, it’s what you say to yourself that matters the most, P. Especially right now. Please sit in front of a mirror and have a good long conversation with you. You have been on a journey since the day you arrived, and this is part of it. You know how I feel about this – you created this point in time as part of your journey. Don’t judge it as good or bad (although there’s LOTS to be furious about) but as part of your learning experience here on the blue marble. Start there and only go further if you feel it flowing. Just talk to your beautiful face and see what happens.
Thank you for taking the time to share your words with us. I’m not going anywhere, so stay close. I hope I can help you in some small way to find your self again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, I am very flattered.
I am even gladder that you had a good, healing day. I am not a real outdoorsy girl, I really hate hiking, but love walking on the beach, but I was glad to be on that mountain with you. I have though in some of my darkest hours found so much comfort, energy and rejuvenation in nature. I love nothing more than sitting under a sky full of stars or hearing the sounds of the sea or even the laughter of children by the playground.
I spent the day doing laundry, cleaning and watching Season 3 of The Wire. But all MY choice, ha, ha.
D,
She hates hiking…well, no one can be perfect! I’d rather be chum than live without nature. It moves me like nothing else.
Chum…makes me want to go fishing…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Wow! What a moment!
I was a sked a question a long time ago by someone who I barely knew. She looked right through me and asked “who are you?” It wasn’t in an accusatory manner, more like in a providing guidance manner… It stumped me as I, and I think many people around me, tend to think in labels of girlfriend, mother, sister etc… But those labels are meaningless when you strip away the context that you are naming them in…
When I was reading about your hike, it made me think are we searching for ourselves in a way that you can not name?? Are the characteristics/traits/emotional trends quantifiable?? Do we just have a “Aha” moment when our soul tells us we have it right???
Do particular places like Mt. Tam ( I have never heard of it as I live in Australia!) allow us to set our labels aside and to just connect to those unnamed things in our souls???
Just a few questions that I pondered while reading your blog tonight!
Take care
x
A,
Such great ponder material! I can think/feel/talk about that stuff all day and night. Not only are labels meaningless, they are also dangerous. But we apply them daily in an effort to organize (control?) our environment. I’m going to make an effort to not label, thanks to you.
The Aha! moment exists. I call it being in the flow. Everything moves in sync and the body feels light and joyful. It becomes easier to see the beauty in life, easier to accomplish goals and easier to love. When The Genius and I made the decision to move to Marin everything went like clockwork. Everything. It was nearly effortless, but when you looked at all I (he was on the road for most of it) had to accomplish it seemed a feat to pull it off. But I KNEW I had to be here. I knew I had to leave the east and get to CA ASAP. So I did.
That was the FIRST time that happened for me in such a bold fashion. Looking back I believe it was because I (A) stated succinctly and with total conviction exactly what I wanted to have happen, (B) I never questioned that it could happen, (C) I stayed focused on the tasks right in front of my nose and didn’t look down the road to the things that could go wrong, and (D) I remained grateful the entire time for every little thing. So, I knew what I wanted, I stated what I wanted and I let the Universe deliver it to me. All the while, I remained very present so I could pick up on the signs the Universe was sending to know that I was moving in the right direction.
Be in the flow…flowy…the flow-ster…flow-a-licious. Miss Flow. Flow-that. I love thinking of you pondering.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve been reading your blog for the last couple of weeks, and I know this is your outlet for dealing with what happened to you. And I do not condone what your husband did to you – it was wrong. But I also know that relationships don’t evolve in a vacuum, and there are always complaints on both sides that lead people to make decisions about how they are going to behave. He did what he did and had his justifications, I’m sure. We just don’t hear about them in your blog. He is portrayed as an evil, cheating, liar and scumbag. And you paint an image of yourself as a deep, spiritual, connected, conversational, amazing woman for whom “Mr. Jackpots” around the world would fall for in a heartbeat. Please remember that with Mr. Jackpot you are both in the infatuation stage, the beginning of a new relationship. Hormones are surging That’s what happened with my wife.
I am male, 45, and last year she had an affair with the contractor we hired to remodel our kitchen. In my house. She lied about it. I finally caught her, she admitted it, and said it was like a drug. She blamed it on the fact that she felt I was emotionally unavailable to her. We’ve been married for 19 years, and they have not all been great. I’ve had my issues with her (too many to go into detail here), and I know that I can sometimes be moody, under stress and do not have the same need for communication and conversation that she needs. The business I co-founded 10 years ago has been struggling due to the economy and while we are hopefully clawing back, it has taken every ounce of my being to turn it around.
And the thanks I got for trying to save it and continue to provide for her and my three kids (she works in the home raising our children) is her wrapping herself around the guy who is supposed to be working on my kitchen. Not working her in the kitchen. And basement. And who knows where else.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, having been in essentially the same situation as you are in (having been cheated on) I know that she is not entirely to blame. I contributed to the deterioration of the marriage, and I’m certain that is the case for you. And you can share all you want about Mr. Jackpot, but you cannot compare a new, exciting, emotionally connected relationship to a marriage. I had that at the beginning of my relationship with my wife, and she eventually cheated on me.
I’m certain your husband felt that things were missing, otherwise, he may not have done what he did. Who knows? Spouses cheat on each other all the time, for various reasons. I do hope, though, that you find what you are looking for, and get through this with your kids. I’m trying to make it work with my wife, but don’t know if I can get beyond the affair. I just don’t know.
Good luck.
K.
K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on HGM.
I’m certain The Genius felt as I felt about our marriage – that we had issues that needed to be addressed, but neither of us were experienced enough communicators to pull it off. We weren’t mature enough to sit compassionately in front of each other and commit to working through our problems. I felt insecure, so I’m sure I was afraid to ask the tough questions because I was afraid of what his answers might be. We let things fester. (I LOVE that word!) And it sure didn’t help that he cheated on my in the first year of our marriage. I never threw that back in his face. I truly forgave him for it. But I don’t think I ever got over the feeling that he wasn’t trustworthy, which contributed to my insecurity.
I don’t think The Genius is evil. Just like I don’t think I’m a saint. But there is NO excuse for cheating. Your wife saying that you were emotionally unavailable to her is not an excuse for banging the contractor. That’s ludicrous. The Genius saying I created a void in him thatallowed him to let someone else in is equally ludicrous. We are each responsible for our own actions. Own it! Your wife and The Genius could have done one simple thing – had a conversation with us. One freaking conversation. One.
You are right, one cannot compare a new relationship to one that is aged by time. Certainly hormones do come into play, as do emotions. And in the case of Mr. Jackpot, a whole lot of support for the individual soul searching we are each committed to doing. Our friendship is not all running through wildflowers and rolling in hay. Actually, it’s not that in any way. We are being brutally honest with ourselves as we work through issues that need to be resolved if we are ever to enter into a healthy, loving partnership with another person. We are supporting each other at this time.
I hope, whatever the outcome in your situation, that you are able to find peace. Thank you for your insights.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, I have been reading you blog for awhile now and really enjoy sharing in your journey. I also recommended you to a friend who is going through a similar divorce situation and she loves your blog. I am married. Happily I’d like to believe but your blog has still given me so much food for thought. The point about relationships masking so much of our own emotions struck a chord with me. It is such a struggle to be true to yourself when there are spouses, children, groceries, homework and a myriad assortment of other things that must be addressed immediately. I have been finding lately that I feel a little lost in everyone elses’ needs. I am starting to resent that and reading your blog is just one of the tools I am using to find my way back to me. I still don’t know how I’ll do it or how I’ll keep all of these balls in the air at the same time but what a waste of my life if I don’t try. Keep sharing.
M
M,
You’ll do better than try. Stay present in the moment, observing you, with the actions of others creating opportunity for you to shine and be you. Try it for one day. Be really, really present. When you’re washing your hands, when you’re folding laundry, when you’re looking into your child’s eyes, when you’re trying to explain something to another person…be really, really present. Stay right in that moment and live it.
You won’t waste a second. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. And for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Goodness! it sounds like you have been reading Eckart tolle books…. have you? If you haven’t, you would love them! He is all about teaching you how to embrace the now. His teachings have changed my life!
Blessings!!
M,
I came across The Power of Now back in January. I read the first 3o pages and then lent it to Mr. Jackpot. Just waiting to get it back to finish. I liked what I read so far. Even though it was only 30 pages, the message contained in them resonated with me in a big way. It’s not easy to live fully present in the moment. I have to exercise it like a muscle. But when I am fully present I am grounded and at peace.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’d love to stay present in the moment. But how do you do it when you have 50 things pulling you in all different directions at once? And the pure exhaustion from spending one entire day fighting with your spouse while trying to chase a crawling 11 month old baby? I’m feeling too tired to do anything more than slog through each day at this point, only to collapse in bed once the baby goes to sleep.
C,
I’m by no means an expert, but I have been able to put this into practice in the most trying situations, so let’s give it a shot!
She swoops in and carries you away to the top of Mt. Tam…
We sit on boulders and stare at the bay. We breath. I look deeply into your eyes and see the endless strength of the soul within. It’s there, C. You can do this for you, and that’s exactly who you do it for. Even if you are tired, delight in chasing your baby. Imagine what it must be like to be that baby. To see the world from the ground floor. Notice the little details, the curve of the fingers, the look of surprise when discovering something unexpected. Soften your gaze and soften your heart. Allow the energy of the baby to flow with yours. Take deep breaths. Don’t think about being tired, but be grateful that your body has carried you this far. Being grateful is so centering.
Now sit with the ‘day of fighting’ with your husband. What was accomplished? How did it make you feel? I’m going to take a guess here…you felt like a cat being whipped around by her tail. Your eyes tracking the room as you spin. Looking for the baby, glaring at your husband, running from task to task. Just a guess. Observe how you interacted with him. And then observe you in real time. Are you reacting or responding? Center yourself, breath and set a boundary:
“The way we are communicating with each other is upsetting and it doesn’t seem to move us forward. How can we speak about these important issues in a way that is constructive? I will work through these issues with you, but I will no longer fight with you. It doesn’t move us forward. If we get frustrated with each other, let’s please take a break.” I have noticed when interacting with The Genius that a subtle shift in my demeanor can affect the entire exchange. If I feel tense I soften myself. I center on one or two things I want to accomplish and not let myself get led all around by the back-and-forth of an emotionally charged interaction. I take the time to pause, assess and respond instead of reacting. And I look him gently in the eyes when I speak to him. (Uggghhh, I really dislike that part.) I swear this stuff works.
Start small. And by staying in the moment you are forced to do just that. If you feel yourself looking ahead or to the past, recenter in the present. Breath. Care for yourself. I say it all the time – LOVE YOURSELF! You can fill your tired physical body with love and gratitude, energizing you. And when you are tired, hold yourself and be grateful you can feel. That you are alive. That you have the gift of life.
Please let us know if this is at all helpful. FPM…fully present in the moment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
It would work if during a fight, I would ask him to just stop because the fighting is solving nothing, and he would listen. He won’t give me a couple moments to myself, of not speaking, to calm myself down. If we’re fighting and I try to walk away, to save my sanity, he follows me. I can’t walk away, look away, do anything but continue to fight. Asking him to give me a couple minutes to think doesn’t happen. The baby, I love her. She runs me ragged, but I am grateful to have her. So that doesn’t upset me. But a husband who doesn’t seem to appreciate all I do in working full-time, taking care of a baby, and trying to get along with him….one who won’t even give me just a couple minutes of non-fighting so I can center myself…that’s where I kind of give up.
C,
Ahhh, takes me right back to The Genius and I in the heat of the battle. One of the things I wish I did was preempt a fight by setting aside some time to talk before emotions get riled up. It seems as if you both have a lot to say but can’t hear each other because of the energies of amped up emotions. You may not be able to alter his actions, but you are in complete control of yours. Come from a place of peace and compassion – not matter how hard it may seem to do so.
It’s essential that when you are able to talk that you consciously listen to each other and respond, NOT react. So hard, yet once you get it done a few times you will begin to see a transformation. I wish I could be of more help. Perhaps others have some suggestions to offer?
We’re here for you, C. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I guess all I can offer is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. I don’t know our circumstances, CF, of course; all I can offer is my perspective. I have been married 29 years, which sounds great, but it ignores, some of the hum dinger fights we had, particularly in our earlier years. We have talked about it now that time has passed, but, at the time, she had first one baby, and then a precocious five year old and a one year old, and I was never there. Guilty as charged. I was at the point in my career where I had to go where they told me, when they told me. I spent a Thanksgiving night, with her family waiting at the house, in a Computer Room, because a server had broken down, and I had to be there to keep “Management” from driving my guys working for me, who also missed their Thanksgiving, from going nuts, and solve the problem, so everyone could go home.
We fought for months over that, but I had to do that, in order to provide a future for my family. I hated every minute I had to do that, and I resented the fact that she didn’t recognize that I was doing it to provide for our future. She resented the fact that I put my job first. Right on both counts. We also married young, and I did some stupid things (NEVER cheating, BTW), like going to the game with friends or people from work.
Looking back on those things, I feel bad about those to this day, but I was young (got married at 18), and realized I had some growing up to do. Thank Gawd she stuck by me through that, just as I stuck by her, through her issues (including her bipolar disorder). What got us through it, was, and is, our vows. We take them seriously. We also both realized we needed to grow up, I needed to get ahead in my career to be able to take the foot of the pedal, as it were, and we are now reaping the rewards of that.
So many people give up so soon. Struggles happen. That is life. It is the commitment that you will get through it together that makes it worthwhile. It may seem bleak now, and, believe me, in the heat of battle, as it were, I would follow her, and she would follow me into the next room to continue the combat. You want to be right, and you want to win when you are out of your mind, which, looking back on it, I have been. Words can hurt. Bad. However, communication is key, which we have found. Tell him you need some space. Tell him what you need. I know, when we were calm and she told me what she needed, that I was in a place where I could listen. I took the kids to games. We made, to this day, a date night, just for us. That was huge! We’ve had date night for 20 years now. No matter what goes on, Wednesday night is for us. I wish you the best, CF, and, if you have committed to a marriage, and children, and he is true to you, that the effort is worth it. I have a feeling he may be as frustrated as you are, at least I hope so, and communication will get you through it. I wish you the best.
LTMM
L,
Beautiful. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
CF,
I used to be that guy long ago. Sort of. We didn’t constantly fight, but when we did, I pursued the argument until I had made my point—whatever it was. I was relentless. And horrible. And mean.
I was also unhappy. Unhappy with my horribly long commute. Unhappy that I didn’t see my kids as much as I wanted because of work. Unhappy because I wasn’t meeting my ideal of fatherhood. Unhappy because I was stressed and anxious. Unhappy that when I came home from work there were yet more problems waiting for me. And a wife who herself was often stressed and tired and unable to give me the emotional support I thought I derserved. Unhappy that parenting turned out to be SO MUCH HARDER than I thought. Control—or lack thereof—is a big issue when comes to unhappiness, and I felt like I had no control over my life. And no way out.
I don’t know if your guy is unhappy with his lot in life right now, but I suspect he is, and you are unlucky enough to bear the brunt of his unhappiness. I also suspect that his self-esteem is very low. Because one of the ways we try to elevate our own esteem is take someone else’s down a notch.
I don’t know if you can have a talk with him about this; my ex tried many times, and although I heard her, I ultimately had deal with it all by myself. But it’s worth a shot. You might start by saying that you are not happy with how things are with the two of you, and you’re wondering how he is feeling about his life. And offering him the space to think about it. And letting him know that things are at a breaking point with you; it’s not working anymore. He needs a wake-up call.
For me, my happiness path (I’m still near the beginning) started with a job closer to home, exercise, yoga and reorienting some of my priorities. And yes, a divorce. (I’m not recommending the latter at all; we were at a place where it was the right thing to do.) As Cleo says, you’ve got to love yourself, and that’s as important for your guy as it is for you.
K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with C. That rocks. You’re awesome. Even though you were once so mean…;-)
Yet again, K shoots and scores when nailing my post topic before I actually write it. This is starting to get a little odd. People can change.
Maybe K is not K at all. Maybe K is C! Maybe he’s KC! Maybe I should just get on with my post…
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
No spiders are necessary. How about a nice Shrimp Cocktail. They kinda look like spiders, right?
…
L,
Fried squid. I couldn’t eat it for the longest time. Until I put a body into my mouth head first and let its legs dangle out. Don’t ask why, but it cured me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you everyone, for your kind words and advice. It means a lot. Tonight my husband and I are having a talk with some intervention. I’m very near my breaking point. We’ve been married for almost 8 years and the baby is a big stress, but we both love her. The problems originate from the economy, his job being less than perfect and less than 40 hours a week which is a big trigger into his unhappiness and just the stress of everything costing more but we keep making less and less. I guess when you can’t rage at the economy, you rage at your partner. I try to stay calm, but when he won’t even give me a minute of quiet to calm myself and follows me demanding “apologies” for things said in the heat of the moment (he says them too but always wants me to “apologize” first), it is impossible to take a step back. He won’t let me.
Anyway Cleo, I am so sorry I took over your comments. I won’t do it again. You rock. And I read your blog several times a week and am hoping to draw the same strength and courage that you have. By now if we didn’t have a baby, I would’ve started loving myself and taken the divorce route. Willing to give it a few more months at this point.
Thanks again everyone.
C,
You rock, too. I’m so glad you took to the comments to get some support. Nothing wrong with that, m’lady. Thank you do the wonderful people who stepped in to assist.
C, c’mere…shhhh….it’s a well-kept secret that you can start loving yourself even if you never get a divorce. Don’t look ahead, don’t look back, stay firmly rooted in the present and love that baby.
Love yourself, too…now!
Cleo