Anticlimactic. That’s often the feeling when you’ve waited well beyond the time you expected to wait for something to happen. It’s part Finally! and a little bit of That’s it? tossed with, in my case, I’m so grateful to be divorced.
I had no expectations, no plans to celebrate, no ritual to mark the day. I did take note of the fact that we got married on 1/10 and divorced on 10/1, but that’s as far as I went in pondering the meaning of yesterday, the day I signed our divorce papers. Or as they are now called – the Marital Settlement Agreement.
The big signing took place at Mailbox Services Plus. It should have been named Mailbox Services Plus a Whole, Whole Lot More. At the same time I was having my signature notarized I could have bought a pleather purse in fuscia, a thong and matching pushup bra, a scrunchie, a pullover dress covered in a banana print or reserved one of the wood-doored mailboxes lining one wall. For those who wish to buy a parting gift of jewelry for their soon to be former spouse, necklaces filled a glass case. For those wishing to celebrate with their mistress, feather boas filled another.
I probably could have bought a puppy and lawnmower there, too.
Ten dollars, cash only, later and I was officially notarized. There was no perceptible difference between the before and after. I walked to the attorney offices of my former spouse. The lights were off. I slid the envelope under the door and walked away.
Between then and now I’ve tuned in to see how I feel. I’m glad to finally have a document signed. Not that it means much. It’s paper. I’ve been divorced for a few weeks over two years. Technically, I’ve been divorced since the first time he cheated on me. And the document isn’t a living, breathing thing that will smack him upside the head if he doesn’t abide by it.
Just yesterday I was called a bully for requesting that my support check be on time. Which it wasn’t.
So, there’s not much to celebrate there.
By design.
My divorce is but one bead in an elaborate mosaic of beads in every known color that undulate and flow forth, creating my path. I’m not going to balance on my tippy toes on that one bead. I was hundreds of beads away before I left the parking lot.
On my way to the notary I was speaking with a kitten. She felt much the same as I did when she divorced – This feels so anticlimactic. As if I’m signing for a package I know is empty. But then, she said, she felt a subtle shift; she felt a little lighter. She could let go. Stop resisting. And once she did the floodgates opened.
As I write this, the indifference I feel about my divorce is slowly being replaced by excitement. Drop by drop in a vast, dry lake. My divorce is a circumstance, a feature in my life. No longer in process, it adds a permanent brushstroke to my portrait. Defining features, creating shades of light and dark. Adding interest. On top of it will be layered many more strokes. I still need to deal with my former spouse. There will be growing pains. There is still a whole lot of anger and resentment directed at me. But now, more than ever, I have no excuse for engaging. I’m not negotiating with him anymore. (Although I had to take a break there for a call that only serves to remind me about the importance of boundaries and accountability.) There’s no battle to win. My Ego is in Tahiti, snorkeling.
And I’ve got a life to live here.
A future to create. Two dudes to love and teach and make beautiful memories with as we hold hands and continue down an ever-changing path of little beads that tickle our feet and challenge our balance. I pick my head up and look around and see your smiles, the excitement in your eyes, your energy. Our looks to each other say, We have such a gift – to be right here, right now!
I’m vibrating back unconditional love and optimism.
Thank you so much for walking with me and for inviting me to walk with you.
In just a few words I’ve gone from feeling indifferent to feeling massive waves of gratitude.
I’m all filled up and ready to go.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Signed on to your new group website.
Not sure that congratulations are in order, but well done becoming official. What an amazing life you’re living. Glad you’re enjoying it.
D,
Thank you. The well done is perfect. It’s been a very long process. I’m proud of how I’ve handled it, but I couldn’t have stayed so centered without all of you and my family and friends. The blog has been a gift. To be able to write my way through this, be vulnerable, make mistakes and big leaps for all to read – I’m so grateful. Thank you for being here. Stay close – as I said on another comment – the muck is over. The fun continues. And we’ll continue to support every one no matter where they are in this most challenging process.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I left my husband because of his infidelities on November 9th, 2009. He died in early 2011- we never did get divorced. His daughter from a previous marriage sends me an anniversary card every year- says did not know it was possible to be a divorcee and a widow. Your blog has been good for me, as I have never REALLY recovered. Thanks
R,
I’m grateful you found HGM and that you took the time to comment. Death can halt many things, including healing from infidelity. It presents a challenge, for sure. Also a rich opportunity to create a dialogue with a soul who’s left this planet. R, I hope you share more and hope you stay close. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo! I’m so thrilled for you and I’m right on your heels as it seems I have been the whole time. Living parallel lives. Hoping to sign my papers next week. I feel like booking a vacation somewhere warm. Even alone. Curious as to what happened with the therapy sessions he was requesting? Did I miss a post or did you decide against it?
Lots of love xoxo
Lisa
L,
Is it already cold up in my beloved Canada? Perhaps you don’t have to go that far. It’s pretty spectacular in the bay area this time of year. Who knows, maybe some Bo magic is what you need. Or a trip to Argentina. Choices, choices…
Regardless of where you land, I love knowing you are here. You make me smile. Stay close, m’lady. And be super present next week. Magic loves to hide in and around big life changing moments.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was wondering what happened with the therapy, too. I had a feeling he is getting remarried and wanted to discuss the kids.
Anyway, I really respect that you are commited to being self supporting. Regardless of his actions, that’s the best thing you can do for your kids now, imo.
S,
The therapy hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know their plans for life ever after, but I believe the intention of the therapy is to improve our communication for the sake of the children…and for the sake of appearances. Just a hunch. Regardless of the motive – conscious or unconscious – the experience would be beneficial.
Thank you for your kind words. It is important for me to be self-sufficient. I’m grateful that I get to do it on my terms. I am committed to doing what is best for the dudes. They rock so. As do you. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
CONGRATULATIONS! Having ended a 10-year (non-marital) relationship ~18 months ago, and seeing two close friends separate from their spouses and move onward fearlessly, I can only say that I am SO EXCITED for you. I am a lake full of excited for you!
Do you know the term “peripeteia”? It’s both heady and maybe a little pedantic (cause, um, who is out dropping ancient Greek these days?), and it signifies a turning point. Like cresting a hill and seeing a big bright beautiful landscape spreading out before you!
J,
You have made me want to be that person who is out dropping ancient Greek! I had to look up BOTH words. Not only does it signify a turning point, it is mostly used in literary works. Is HGM experiencing a peripeteia? Yes. not the kind in a Shakespearean tragedy. Not from my perspective, anyway.
Will you come teach me two new words every post? Love that!
I’m very excited too. Yesterday I was pretty middle of the road. Today, slowly, hour by hour, I began to relish the opportunity to set myself free, take chances, be accountable to myself and the dudes. Ready to launch, J. Stay close and thank you for the kind words of support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Congratulations! Can I say that? Oh, I just did. Now go climb a mountain, write a book, or do something fun for yourself
S,
Thank you, S. I will take the congratulations for the choices I made that got me here. Yesterday was just a matter required by the courts. So, I will climb a mountain, write a book (or six) and the something fun is going to happen on Saturday. I’m certain something will happen that will warrant words. So grateful to have you here. Stay close…the mucky part is over.
Love yourself,
Cleo
HE’S got anger and resentment directed at YOU? Exsqueeze me?!!! Did I read that right? It has to be a typo, you placed the pronouns in the wrong place, right Cleo?!! (I’ve read your blog since the beginning, so I know it’s not a typo) but for the love of god every time I read that I am flabbergasted at the gall of some people. Uggghhh. Pttthhh. I have no words left to say. I can only groan and spit metaphorical raspberries.
K,
It’s not logical, I know. I guess that’s why they call it psychological. I’ve let it go, fully. His feelings aren’t for me and they are complicated by the choices he’s made. I hope he finds happiness.
I thought of you yesterday while I picked raspberries.
Thank you for being here, K. You are much appreciated.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Nice one, Cleo. Inspirational, as ever. I feel so lucky to have discovered your blog. Wishing you continued joy and gratitude!
K,
Thank you, K. I’m grateful you are here. No luck involved, m’lady! Magnetism. I’ve been reading up on it. I’m like one step shy of being a physicist. Kind of. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
You women are the perfect example of why 71 percent of men between the ages of 18 to 34 are no longer interested in marriage. After all, why should they waste time getting married when their bi*ch wife (like you) will just divorce him for childish reasons and then turn around and a** rape him in divorce court and take all his money?
http://www.pewresearch.org/daily-number/young-men-and-women-differ-on-the-importance-of-a-successful-marriage/
I hope you ladies have fun growing old alone with your 10 cats. You daughters as well, since the younger men have no interest in marriage anymore, you and your daughters will be growing old alone with your cats. As for myself, I’ll be living it up in Thailand and banging tons of hot young Asian women (over 18, of course).
Thank you ladies for liberating us men from your tyranny and becoming independent. Feminism was the greatest thing to ever happen to men. Feminism liberated MEN from being slaves to their ungrateful bi*ch wives.
God bless you.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Really. Thank you.
And you’re welcome – I’m happy to know we set you free. Have a blast in Thailand.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: I only have one cat.
PPS: Kittens, I subbed some symbols to polish his language a bit. My Mom reads this…
I just spit coffee all over my laptop reading this. Hilarious.
N,
I so hope your keyboard still works! You best keep those liquids away!
Love yourself,
Cleo
John Doe is hysterical! Great reply, Cleo!
Congratulations on your divorce. I find it kind of woo-woo how many people end up with their decree signed on a significant day. We don’t choose when the judge signs, so it seems like more than a coincidence. Two friends had them signed on Valentine’s day. My cousin’s was signed on her birthday. Mine was signed on my youngest son’s birthday. I hope he never finds out.
As far as late child support payment’s go, it is not acceptable. We can play nice and wish each other well, but child support is a legal obligation and this should be dealt with in a business like manner. If it happens again, let your lawyer deal with it. Most men prefer not to have their wages garnished, but sometimes it is the only way.
M,
Well, didn’t factor in the day the judge signs. Only that I signed. I will pay attention to the judge’s signature and see what it tells us.
I feel strongly that the way this is playing out is by my design. The most recent dust-up is to insure that I keep my former spouse at arms length, or more distant, and become self-sufficient as soon as possible. The time is right. The second-to-last tether has been cut. The final tether is made of dollar bills. I don’t want to be supported in any way by my former spouse. Because, in this lifetime, one of my main goals is to be self-supporting, without a man involved. Not out of bitterness or an I don’t need you attitude. Simply because it’s what I set out to do. I did it before I met my former spouse and I will do it again. This time for the balance of my days here.
I am so freaking excited. And beyond grateful. I’m going to support myself doing what I love most – writing and helping people. Thank you for being here, M. And for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: JD made me laugh, too.
Here’s the thing…. wanting to support yourself is a great goal, but the truth is you and your ex decided together that you would be the primary parent at home. You had expectations of being compensated by having your financial needs covered. Raising children is HARD WORK. The fact that your ex broke the marriage contract should not absolve him from his financial duty.
I am a classical musician. I lived in NYC and traveled the world performing for many years before marrying at 31. I made considerably more than my ex when we married. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I decided to phase out the international part of my career. Eventually my husband was making a considerable amount of money and I had four children. We decided to that we both wanted me to stay home and raise the kids since he traveled for work frequently. I even homeschooled for 6 years.
Now that we are divorced and I’m living in a quaint little town in New England, starting up a career that could support me is difficult. I travel to Boston and NYC to teach when my ex has the kids but it is only enough to make up the difference I need since child support doesn’t cover all of our expenses. If I could move to a major city, I could probably make a nice income, but he refuses to consider moving.
I stayed in a dead marriage for years primarily out of fear of being financially devastated. I begged him to go to marriage counseling and he refused. He met someone else and that was all she wrote. He has no regret or anxiety about what will happen to me. He treated me as if I were disposable.
I look forward to being financially independent someday, but for now I have no guilt over taking 53% of his income every month and 90% of the 401k. I deserve it.
M,
Yes, you do deserve it. Especially for homeschooling four children! If I wanted to insure the dudes lived like bobcat offspring in the woods for the rest of their lives I’d homeschool them. Goodness, they’re teaching me! When literature and creative writing get on the docket I’m back in, but the science scares me.
Wanting to support myself and the dudes is a great goal and a necessary one. Not out of fear, but because to do so means I am succeeding at what I love to do – write and help people. Two best things in the world for me. It’s what I came to do. Hopefully my former spouse will do what he said he would do, but what he does will not impact my desire to help as many people as possible with my words, written and spoken.
And now I am ready. Fully ready. Thank you for being here to support me. I’m truly appreciative. You rock…in a classical kind of way.
Love yourself,
Cleo
JD, dude you are seriously out of your league here, I’m so like “are you serious”…. the Pew Poll? LOL.
Damn! I can’t believe JD is going to Thailand! Another great man slipping through my grasp! I’ll bet his ex is sobbing into her glass of Cristal (tears of joy). Watch out, Thai prostitues, you’ll have a hard time keeping it professional when this hunk of USDA choice ground beef turns on the charm.
P.S. The 1950′s called, John. They want you back.
S,
I can’t type…I’m laughing too hard. Oh, my….hilarious. You slay me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Congratulations Cleo!!!
I wish you peace and happiness. Today and always.
Avril
A,
Thank you, m’lady. Your wish came true. And is now coming full circle.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Hoping to sign papers next week, ending a 26 year marriage filled with affairs – the first being when I was two weeks from delivering our first child, 22 years ago. I am so glad I found your blog! I discovered that my soon-to-be former spouse was involved in a 3 year affair with a friend about a year ago, taking a break from her every now and again to start another one with someone else. He’s called lawyers to block me from getting good legal help, stolen money, and just been a putz in general. The worst part though, has been his continued efforts to brainwash our children into thinking what he’s done isn’t really that big of an issue.
Felt so alone in all the betrayals – and then I read your blog from day one to the present, when I googled “Divorce blogs” last year. Thank you so much for putting words to what I felt. And I am so looking forward to the freedom of signing that paper next week – time to move on past hurt and bitterness to a future that looks exciting for me and my two girls still at home – not one spent in the vacuum of a narcissistic man’s needs. I wish all the ladies he’s currently having affairs with well – they are going to need all the help they can get.
S,
I can feel the happiness in your spirit! You have let go and you’re ready to live in the present moment, where the magic lives. So happy for you, S. Thank you for being here, and for taking the time to comment.
So, so happy for you…
Love yourself,
Cleo
While our realities have been very different, our journeys have been very similar. A friend of my wife’s introduced me to your blog when it was first starting. At the time I did not know why I would read about something that had no context with my reality. In time, if you are open to it, clarity comes in fascinating ways.
I wanted to thank you for all you have given and continue to offer to yourself, to me and to the world. Life and love is complex. We all offer and receive love in varied ways. It is not until one opens fully that you find freedom. Freedom to live and love genuinely. From your heart, leaving the mind behind. For me getting caught in thought, hurt and fear kept me from living fully. I do not intend to go back. For myself, my wife, my children and those I love, this is a gift that will serve; each moment I am on this Earth.
My journey started years ago. Growing up in an Irish Catholic family, fear and judgment were front and center. While we knew deep down we were loved, it was rarely if ever expressed and we were short on understanding and communicating feelings. It was not until about the time you received the pocket dial that I understood and acknowledged my own history and how it was affecting how I lived each moment. How it had affected my relationship with my wife, children, work and friendships
My wife had her own struggles. Many were visible to those close to us. Hard to hide multiple family health issues, hospitalizations and long recoveries. While the pain of these physical ailments was present; a lack of understanding sat front and center as we dealt with the pain, grief, loss we were both feeling. So many feelings with little to no ability to communicate in an open, honest, loving way. For a while I could not understand how this could be. Again, my upbringing had me focused on work, food, shelter, and the development of our kids. My wife focused on raising the kids and tending and befriending others to fill her emotional needs. What we came to understand is our emotional intimacy needs were not being met by each other.
Your decision to no longer call “The Genius” shows a great openness and empathy. I too have come to realize that opening to the emptiness is not filled with anger, fear, resentment, righteousness. It can fill you with the love that you need to be the person you choose to be. There is so much hurt in the world. So much anger, frustration and disappointment that you can get lost in it. You have been a guide along my path and for that I am truly grateful. I love myself and am open to the possibility…
Thank you.
O,
The timing of your comment is magic. A few people close to me are going through divorce and in the midst of therapy. They leave the sessions depleted. Exhausted. Shredded. I had this vision – a woman sits on a couch across from a therapist and they talk about all the pain and heartache and challenges of childhood through young adulthood to the present day. They make some progress. She gets a few coping strategies. And then tumbles out into the daylight. Trying her best to integrate and find some balance in her life.
The other vision? That same woman is sitting on a cloud across from a gaggle of other delighted souls and she’s SO excited. Tells them all about what she plans on doing when she gets to Earth. “It’s like a Steven Spielberg movie! There’s gonna be angst, and suspense, and triumph and near-death and betrayal and love and, oh my goodness I cannot wait for my trip to Tuscany so I can eat all that food that means nothing to us souls!” They are breathless with excitement for her journey here.
I love that you are discovering that all these various aspects of your life are what make it so rewarding to live. Instead of succumbing to the weight of it all you are realizing that pure happiness comes from how you meet the challenges you’ve wanted since the day you got here.
I am so excited for you and your family. And so grateful that HGM brought us together. Thank you for being here. And for your kind words. I am most fulfilled by being a loving Mom and being given the opportunity to inspire. There are no greater gifts. Hugs and high fives, dude.
Love yourself, (Oh, wait – you already do!)
Cleo
Dear Open Sesame,
Your comments bring me to tears. I come from an Irish/Scottish/English family and I am very aware of the taboos about demonstrativeness and showing love in an overt fashion and how that can hurt us. I wish you the very best on your journey toward love and happiness.
On a side note, love and respect to our lovely Cleo for negotiating this snake pit called divorce with class, dignity and true mindfulness. She rises above the muck.
Anne
A,
Thank you for taking the time to share with O and us.
Heartfullness and mindfullness, A. The other ways just aren’t as effective. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh John Doe you fool – 10 cats? Really?
It’s only gonna take 1 (Ladies and gentlemen, This is Cleo. I’ve taken over Cock Robin’s comment to preserve your purity, your virginal-ish-ness: I will leave certain phrases intact so you can get the gist of her reply to John Doe)……cat…raging crotch rot…you deserve…a woman b*tch that you will be begging to take care of you…Have yourself a good time in Thailand…don’t forget to pack your ointment.
(Cleo again – I love it when she gets feisty!)
Congrats & set sail – your free & clear now my Cleo love you!
Oh!! You should have kept my words just used *’s when needed
You lost my heartfelt love by jumping in there with the ……..’s lol
C,
Ha! I was trying to make it seem as if you were even raunchier! Alas, you were simply succinct, with just the right touch of smackdown. No one can talk smack like you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ha!! Me smells a ghost written chick wit kitten smack down book of replies to any situation!!
Then turned into a sitcom with a dash of “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia” background !!
Love you always Miss you continuously..,
C,
Love that show! And you, m’lady. I miss you, too.
Love yourself,
Cleo, the one with the hook in her hand
A friend of mine, a long time ago, threw herself a “divorce” party. She only invited female friends and she signed her papers in front of us all. She had 3 small children at the time. I remember thinking at the time, when I was still married also with 3 children, how odd this was. How could she be throwing a party? What I now realize is this was a celebration.. a celebration of her, the new her or maybe the old her.
My life had been sucked out of me the last 15 years and I am just now coming to terms with that and feeling again. I can deal with the lonely and the sad but the anger is the hardest time I am having. What I don’t get is how they continue on as if everything if fine and nothing really has happened. He believes he is and was a great dad, a provider, someone who took care of us. He is none of this. He did not provide for us and sent us into a financial disaster which I am still getting dragged into. He will not accept responsibility for any financial matters and is void emotionally. He blew everything up and walked away ( an emotional arsonist as well). The support payments are your family’s legal right. The not on time thing is a control issue… I have the same followed by threats or last resort rant… “all your friends are snobs and b*****es and liars.” The whole world is against him. I had the stop bullying the kids speech. I am glad you are feeling gratitude now because indifference translates for me as numb and you are too loving and giving and “real” for that!
grace and gratitude ( it resets me)
cindy
please keep writing…..xo
C,
Grace and gratitude – it resets me. So true. Resets are necessary. I’ve gotten in the habit (only good habits these days!) of waking and remaining in bed, eyes closed and expressing gratitude. For the air, the view, the dudes, my spirit, my family and friends, my passion for writing and the my love for those who read my words. The list is without end.
I am the antithesis of numb. Alive, engaged and calm.
When I read the words you wrote about your former spouse I envisioned you and me sitting together watching your Ego on a stage lit with one light doing her best to keep the act from coming to an end.
What he does does not matter. You and I get to make choices. You suck that life force right back in and let’s be super conscious of our vibrational energy. Create our present, which creates our future.
Good thing I didn’t throw a party – it would have been premature. Stay close, C. We’re going to make some serious magic soon. As in tomorrow. I’m grateful you are here. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
MLP,
If I walked in the door to your home right now and pulled out the chair at the table, plunking myself down and told you what happened today you would look at me, laugh and then uncork that bottle of Giant Mistake. We’d down it. I’d explain how it makes no difference to me. That there’s no stopping me now. Divorced, soon-to-be, never-to-be – I don’t care. Within 15 minutes we’d be talking about base camp.
You’ll understand soon. I just had to say that.
You must rock. The fact that former wives and stepkids (skids) want to vacation with you is quite a statement!
And your Mom along too…good stock, m’lady.
This is going to be fun – I’ve got big plans. Some of which I don’t even know yet, but I can feel them! I am stoked you are still right over there. Cuz I need the kittens. For sure. I love you, MLP.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: I swear a post on vibrational energy is coming…stay tuned so you can give me all the correct terms for what I’m going to attempt to put into words!
“We are divorced from people who have vilified us for their choices, blamed us for their actions and ultimately shown us that we are better off in life without them.”
That is exactly what happened! I never thought about it quite like this. I should have. It’s perfect. Thank you!
Oh goodness, lol. Posts like John Doe’s remind me why I really am getting to the point where I dislike men. Not proud of it, but it’s the truth.
Cleo, congratulations! I know it doesn’t seem like the right word, but you have gone through a lot and even though it seemed and felt anti-climactic at the time, I’m sure the weight of the world will continue to feel lifted off your shoulders. Very happy for you!
PS-I only have one dog. No cats here!
C,
Thank you. I do feel lighter. A new set of challenges has cropped up, but if they didn’t I’d be tracing their whereabouts. This journey is not about sleep walking my way through life. So now I am back to working on boundaries, being authentic and nurturing my vibrational energy. This is fun. 3D divorce stuff, not so much.
You can borrow High Maintenance Kitty any time you need to her a purr. And have your face slept on.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I do believe that Congratulations and even a little bit of a celebration is in order. Not a celebration as in “Yay! I’m divorced and I’m so glad to be divorced!!” but something special you do for yourself to honor the fact that you not only survived the thing that you once thought would destroy you, but you’ve actually thrived and have used this turning point as the impetus to creating the life YOU want. In my book, that calls for a toast.
XOXO
Alisa
A,
I haven’t been lifting an adult beverage to my lips much these days. But tonight I just might. Alas, it will need to be my last for a long time. Training for Mt. Rainier has kicked into high gear. I’m quite serious about being in the absolute best shape of my life, to include being free of all toxins.
Thank you for reminding me to honor myself and applaud the choices I’ve made these last two years. You’ve characterized perfectly the way we can celebrate, or honor, the end of the divorce process. I’m grateful you took the time to share that.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Wow, 35 comments so far on this one. Pretty amazing.
I admire you greatly for what you have chosen to do with the mountains. You have chosen a journey that is like a nun’s celibacy, or a monk’s solitude. If I were in your shoes I would probably do the same thing. Here is an article from the NYT that I think you will appreciate, it truly describes the unfairness of your situation:http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?hp&_r=0
Cleo,
Wow, 35 comments so far on this one. Pretty amazing.
I admire you greatly for what you have chosen to do with the mountains. You have chosen a journey that is like a nun’s celibacy, or a monk’s solitude. If I were in your shoes I would probably do the same thing. Here is an article from the NYT that I think you will appreciate, it truly describes the unfairness of your situation:http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?hp&_r=0
Embrace that unfairness, work with it, let it build in your gut like a great hurricane of opprobrium. It’s real, it sucks, and maybe in a future time the human species will evolve to an extent that betrayal and lying is no longer tolerated as it is today.
Yes, you will be self-sufficient one day. Don’t worry about it too much. It has nothing to do with your worth or value, you have already proven that here, from the very first day you posted. The settlement money is what you deserve to get to the other side. Be willing and proud when cashing those checks. That is your money, you earned it. Think of it as an annuity. Your ex made a decision about your financial situation without asking you. For him to be with the HDC, this is the cost.
Life is full of costs. They are not emotional, political, existential, or reactionary. They just are. Carry on. You are beautiful, even with big feet (-;
M.
M,
Oh, M. You’ve been here so long. Kicking me in the arse at just the right time and cheering me when I turn a corner. I still don’t know if I can bake in the desert sun for a week, but I’ve let go of the need to control outcomes. Thank you for your kind words. This especially:
“You have chosen a journey that is like a nun’s celibacy, or a monk’s solitude.”
I have chosen a journey. It looks so different from what I anticipated. It’s made me make great changes in my life, who I am, what I choose to do. I’m still dealing with all the shifting that’s going on, but I am certain that these steps will lead to magical moments. That is all I crave. From this day from forward.
Another kitten sent this article as well. I will need to spend some time with it. Perhaps I should write Great Betrayals Part Deux. How is it unfair if I created it? It was real. It sucked. But today is not that day. I’ve released it, along with my Ego.
I am so grateful to have had the experience. It’s brought me to life. That’s why I can muster unconditional love for my former spouse. I believe his soul is not who he is as a human. I have no anger for the choices he made. I am grateful for the dudes and for being right here, right now.
Am I beautiful with big, taped feet? Not so much in high heels, but those don’t do well on the mountain.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Two years? *Sobs*
But congratulations to you, Cleo. Not for your divorce, but for who you have become over the last two years. For your journey. For your grace. For your wisdom. Congratulations!
I love the thought of your divorce just being a tiny bead. What a great way to think about it.
I’m working on not letting my soon-to-be-former-spouse (by the way, I love “former spouse” so much more than “ex-husband.” It doesn’t have the same connotation when other people say it, but for me, when I say “ex-husband” just feels dirty, like I did something wrong. So “former spouse” it is, for me too!) get to me in any way. When he does something to try to get me mad, or tries to make me feel sorry for him, or to feel bad for something, I remind myself that those are not feelings for me to feel. HE can feel mad or sad, but I don’t need to feel those feelings as well. Those are not mine to bear. I cannot be burdened with his feelings.
Anyway, off to ponder the bead analogy a little more… I love it.
xoxo
T
T,
Such great words – thank you for sharing them! And for being here. We can thank my Mom for ‘former spouse’. ‘Ex’ or ‘ex-husband’ doesn’t work for my spirit. He’s not crossed off, I’m just not married to him any more.
You’re on your way to being unaffected – you see that his emotions are not yours. And then you will see that your emotions are not YOU. Then, the Ego will walk slowly to the bench, head hanging down. Bummed. But understanding that it was inevitable. With regular pondering and a deep desire to move beyond the white noise of the 3D, the Ego knows it’s days are numbered.
You are establishing beautiful boundaries, m’lady. Bravo. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just found your blog this morning. I wish I had found it so much sooner! My journey with MY unfaithful genius began five years ago, and I just started writing about it myself. It is only now, five years later, that I am beginning to understand what I have been doing to recover during this time — understand it enough to write about it.
Before now I was spending all my time just making it through my days.
It’s interesting, because the world tends to see me as an educated, successful and formidable woman. I doubt anyone would have guessed what my internal life and dialogue has been like during this time period. But enough about all of that.
I’m writing because you just got divorced and you seem to believe this will have an impact on what happens next. Perhaps it will, and for your sake I hope so. But be prepared for it not being as you hope. I signed a separation agreement in July 2012 that was a finalized divorce in December. I had a sigh of relief in July, thinking it was almost over. But since last October the bullshit and games re-emerged in spades. He didn’t live up to the agreement, did everything in his power to circumvent tying up any lose end, and I am still unfortunately engaged in regular armed (with a lawyer) combat. As I’m sure you are aware, that gets very expensive, very fast. I really believe he is just trying to bankrupt me at this point. And the brilliant legal system in New York allows it. Suffice to say that I now have NO idea when this will really be over, or what I will be left with when it is. This makes it very hard to plan my life!
Given my experience, my advice to you is this: please don’t get too comfortable with this stage of the process. It’s still ongoing, you will still be dealing with him, and he still has the power to inflict evil in your life. Don’t let down your guard. Stay strong!! And good luck.
Kathy
K,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
I appreciate your words of guidance. Thoughts become things, so I choose to think that this is over in the sense that my divorce is final. What my former spouse chooses to do or not do is not of concern to me. He doesn’t have the power to inflict evil in my life in any way. He only has the power to do that if I grant him that power.
The benching of my Ego resulted in a great release of the urge to engage to win battles or defend my honor. The final cord will be cut when I am financially self-sufficient.
K, I believe I create my reality. If I prepare for a reality different from the one I wish to create I will create that one. I left the warrior pose a long time ago. I find the supple, vulnerable pose to be a much more magical one to strike.
Try it with this statement: “Suffice to say that I now have NO idea when this will really be over, or what I will be left with when it is.” Decide when it’s over, how you get there and then create it. Grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I read this today and thought it described the fallout from betrayal in an incredibly succinct and profound way. The concept of being robbed of one’s narrative and left to write a new one is pretty much how I feel every day. I hope you don’t mind me sharing it here.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=1&_r=0&hp
M,
I don’t mind at all. But I’m not sure I agree with the author’s points. Like Mr. Simplicity said, my former spouse did not hijack those four years from my life. Unless I allow him to do so. I still get to write my own narrative. The betrayal is PART of my narrative. How I choose to deal with it becomes the verses of a poem that can be filled with bitterness or enlightenment. I choose enlightenment.
I still wake in the morning and inevitably some thought about my former spouse will creep into my head. I’m looking forward to when my Ego is able to let it go. I turn my thoughts to gratitude, I smile, I push High Maintenance Kitty off my head and remind myself that right here, right now is just fine.
The days you are living now are yours to live. Choose how you spend your time. Do you want to be sitting in your rocking chair on your front porch and lament having given up days that warranted your joyful presence in exchange for raising your fists in anger at the man who chose to betray you?
A great song doesn’t get stuck on the bridge. I’d like to publish Mr. Simplicity’s Words in the New York Times.
Continue to ponder, M. And stay close. I’m excited to see what you discover as you journey forth. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think it is ok to grieve the loss of what I thought was true and real. I accept that it was true for me. I can claim my narrative knowing on my end, it was authentic. But I think you make a point I needed to hear, and maybe I extrapolating, but I think you are recommending letting go of the story. Letting the past be the past.
I just got back from NYC where I worked on my music, taught, ate at Rosa’s with 2 dear friends, hung out in the music library at Lincoln Center, and ran in Central Park. I am grateful you mentioned high maintenance Hello Kitty. I pushed that bitch off my head, too! I am so grateful for my divorce. I never would be living this beautiful musical life again if I had stayed with the ex. I’m becoming the girl I was. I have a second chance. This is resurrection! Thanks for your candid comments. I’m moving forward.
Congratulations Cleo! The next new chapter has officially begun!!! It’s no accident that the recent posts leading up to this one have been so full of moments we here can relate to so well. Thee posts are beautifully cognizant of the now and the whole woman your betrayal brought to the surface. The blog has been the perfect reflection of the stages of disbelief, loss, grief, anger, and acceptance of what was, what wasn’t, and what is. So be it.
I saw the article too and have been reflecting on it as well. Back in January 2012, (about 2 months after I discovered the betrayal of my former spouse) we had a stiff meeting . I recall this conversation as strongly as the moment I learned of the betrayal. I said to him ‘It’s not about the WHY. It’s about the LIE. ”
The why was insignificant after all the years it had gone on without my knowledge. He made that choice without any looking back. The lies must have taken a lot of work. And on the day I made that statement, I understand with firm certainty who I was, who he wasn’t, and started to reconcile those thoughts with the years spent with him. How does one reflect on that time? I knew bitterness would be destructive and unproductive and against my basic happy nature. I was not the victim. I had co-created and lived that life. I was also savvy, but I had silenced my intuition. I had to reconcile that bifucation of memory and objective fact of what my life had become with him. I wasn’t ready to accept what I learned until the Universe knew the time was right.
So I too write, and my journal is still my healing. My own story is one of gradual growth, a step forward, a step back, better understanding, acceptance and great gratitude for who I am today. My story is all about the NOW, and my love for finding new joy every day. Do I sometimes wake up and have tough memories? Yes, and I say “Thank you for sharing” to myself. I think of some good time in my previous life and a happy memory of the person I know he wanted to be in the moments we shared when he was living in his higher self. Then the memory passes as it should and I move forward. I’ve already lived some pretty cool new experiences these recent months that would never have been possible had my old life continued.
There will be no robbing me of the story I have yet to live.
Please keep writing so authentically. A lie has many variations, the truth has none.
M,
This is golden – read it, live it:
“Do I sometimes wake up and have tough memories? Yes, and I say “Thank you for sharing” to myself. I think of some good time in my previous life and a happy memory of the person I know he wanted to be in the moments we shared when he was living in his higher self. Then the memory passes as it should and I move forward. I’ve already lived some pretty cool new experiences these recent months that would never have been possible had my old life continued. There will be no robbing me of the story I have yet to live.”
There is no robbing of our narrative. I create my narrative. No one tied me down and forced me to marry my former spouse. I made that choice. And then it played out. The idea of victim – that ought to be reserved only for those who are truly victims. Those who have had their lives stolen.
We make choices. I want to be accountable for my choices and make better choices. And see magic. Life is too freaking fantastical and precious and swift to its inevitable close that I want to waste not a moment on anything that has happened in the past. It’s about lessons learned and moving forward, fully present in the moment.
So glad you are right here with me, M. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Marsha (Marcia),
What great words! Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your thoughts… so insightful!
T
Good morning everyone –
There really is no ‘right’ spot to post this in Cleo’s blog so I’m using a recent entry of hers.
I know a 28 year old massage therapist who after some struggles, has already figured out she is the most important thing and she has what she needs to be happy. I wish I had figured that out at 28. Anyway, I told her I was writing a fairy tale (long story) and she asked if I would write one for her. So I did. I’m sharing it here because I think if more of us had read one like this growing up, maybe some of our expectations would be different. I hope all my fellow HGM’ers enjoy it. I can’t wait to give it to my friend.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, raven haired princess named Tasia. She was the fairest in all the land. From the day she was born, a beautiful light emanated from her. She was truly very special.
Her regal name came from ancient Sanskrit. It means Light, Resurrection, Crown. These words perfectly suited the princess and the woman she would become.
Soon after she was born, there was a big celebration. Many faeries came to the party, each one bringing the baby princess a gift. One brought kindness, another humor, still another bestowed on her integrity and honesty. Her favorite gift of all was magic, brought to her by still another faerie.
It was an enormous party with lots of food and music and dancing and laughter. Everyone in the kingdom came to celebrate the birth of the beautiful princess. Although Tasia was just a baby, she had a very vague memory of this special day, almost as though it were a dream.
As she grew she continued to emanate the radiant beautiful light she was born with. She was kind and funny and liked to be nice to people. She was a genuinely good person which made her an outstanding princess. All the people in the kingdom loved her very much.
While she was a princess in every respect, life was not always easy for her. The princess grew up into a lovely young girl. As she grew, she began to have doubts. Who am I? Where do I belong? What is my purpose? Am I worthy of love?
As her doubts grew her light shone less and less. It got dark around the princess. As the light dimmed and her doubts grew, she became afraid and worried.
The more she worried and fretted, worried and fretted, the dimmer the light grew and the lonelier the beautiful princess became.
She lost faith in herself and looked to others for the answers, all of whom failed her and managed to make the princess’ light shine even less brightly than before. The more the others failed her, the sadder the princess became. She continued to struggle. The light got very, very dim indeed.
One day, while the princess rested in the shade of the giant peach tree that grew in her garden, a faerie floated by .
The faerie asked “is that you princess Tasia?”
The princess responded “Why yes it is faerie. Do I know you? You look familiar to me.”
“I came to the celebration when you were born. Why so glum princess?”
“I don’t know who I am or what my place is in the universe. I have searched and searched and cannot find the answer. Why have so many failed me in my journey? I don’t know where to turn next.”
“ You may not remember because you were a tiny tiny baby when I bestowed this gift upon you, but I brought you magic. You still have it. You always will. “
“Magic?” The perplexed princess exclaimed. “How will magic help me when I’m lost?”
“The magic is that you carry all you need for happiness within you. You don’t need to search outside yourself for your light. The center, the calm, the stillness that you seek does not come from others. It is in you already. It will tell you everything you need to know.”
The uncertain princess listened and then cautiously looked within. She realized maybe the faerie was right. As she searched her soul for the beauty within, her light got a tiny bit brighter. As she trusted that what the faerie told her was true and that she truly did have everything she needed, her light got brighter and brighter and brighter until it was just as bright as the day she was born.
Princess Tasia thanked the wise faerie for helping her find the most powerful gift of all – herself.
The faerie flew on to bestow enchantment upon others in the kingdom.
Princess Tasia found her magic, she had it all along. The magic was simply that she was enough and always would be.
Once the beautiful and now happy princess found her way and her light was back, exciting things were about to happen in her life. The best adventures were still to come….
D,
I love this! It would make a wonderful story with an ending that does not include a knight in shining armor. Do stretch it out into a tale that young girls can lose themselves in and find themselves at the end.
Thank you for sharing.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, it’s been months since I stopped by, I have to apologise! I’m playing catch up with your posts. I understand when you say it all felt anticlimatic. Last week was exactly 12 months since my ex and I separated. Days leading up to ‘the day’ I wondered how I’d feel when I woke in the morning. Would I burst into tears? Would I be emotional? Relieved? Happy? I woke up on the day and I felt… like it was any other day. Indifferent. It wasn’t “I can’t believe it’s been a whole year”. It was more like “what am I going to wear to work today”. Pretty anticlimatic. I’m finding that I’m at neither end of the spectrum – I’m not depressed, I’m not ecstatic. I’m just… here. And living my life. I’m so happy your divorce is finalised. Mine is yet to be and it will also probably be anticlimatic but I’ve decided that a divorce party must be held.
Lots of love to you and your dudes.
Janice (twitter: @thejanice81)
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment – no apology necessary! But I’m so glad you’ve returned.
This is how we are able to see the magic: “I’m finding that I’m at neither end of the spectrum – I’m not depressed, I’m not ecstatic. I’m just… here.” Meaning, you are at center. The highs and lows are the places we visit as we swing on the pendulum. But it’s when we gently rock at the center point that we can see everything so clearly.
Nice to see you, m’lady. Grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I know M’s post was from almost a month ago – but I couldn’t help but break down laughing today when I read this in “The Golden Road” by Lucy M. Montgomery:
“That’s a four-leaved clover,” answered Peter exultantly. “That means good luck for the summer. I found it in Markdale. There ain’t much clover in Carlisle this year of any kind of leaf. The crop is going to be a failure. Your Uncle Roger says it’s because there ain’t enough old maids in Carlisle. There’s lots of them in Markdale, and that’s the reason, he says, why they always have such good clover crops there.” “What on earth have old maids to do with it?” cried Cecily. “I don’t believe they’ve a single thing to do with it, but Mr. Roger says they have, and he says a man called Darwin proved it. This is the rigmarole he got off to me the other day. The clover crop depends on there being plenty of bumble-bees, because they are the only insects with tongues long enough to—to—fer—fertilize—I think he called it the blossoms. But mice eat bumble-bees and cats eat mice and old maids keep cats. So your Uncle Roger says the more old maids the more cats, and the more cats the fewer field-mice, and the fewer field-mice the more bumble-bees, and the more bumble-bees the better clover crops.”
So now we know why divorced women also lead to failures in clover crops, among other things.
S,
Among many other things! I’m certain that famines throughout time can be traced to us. Add that to the list, which in my case begins with causing my former spouse to have an affair.
I am so freaking productive.
Thanks for the belly laugh!!!
Love yourself,
Cleo