The season is underway on Mt. Everest. Teams of climbers are making their way to base camp, Sherpas and yaks in the lead. Advance teams are working to fix the ropes on the Khumba Icefall, a treacherous, harrowing part of the climb that begins just above base camp. Some say the Khumba Icefall is the most deadly part of the journey to the top of the world.
More chilling than the Death Zone?
I hope there’s a stash of anti-anxiety medicine next to the supplemental oxygen tanks and ramen noodles.
The Khumba Icefall is described as a moving sea of ice, immensely unstable. The typical climber will spend 4-6 hours navigating the glacier before ascending 2000 feet to…
Camp One.
Baptism by glacier.
Working up to summiting Mt. Everest happens in the months (years) leading to the climb, not on the climb itself. By the time the plane lands in Katmandu, one must be prepared to be physically, emotionally and mentally challenged in unprecedented ways. And even then a shot at coming down unscathed is pretty much 50/50. At best.
On May 29th, 1953, Sir Edmund Hillary, a New Zealander, and Tenzing Norgay, born a Sherpa but living in India at the time, were the first people to summit Mt. Everest and live to tell the tale. The mountain was a clean and deadly slate in those days. Now, just deadly. But at least there are ropes and ladders and paths taken, a proven way to navigate the Hillary Step, thanks to the Knight himself.
It’s been done before, a small but essential comfort to those who are now partaking in the puja ceremony as they ask the gods to bless their journey, leaving at a base camp altar sampa cake (a cake made from ground barley), yak milk butter, fried dough, fruits, chocolate, and drinks, while the sweet smell of burning juniper swirls in the thin and frigid air.
By summiting and living, Hillary and Norgay made it easier for the rest of us who wish to reach the top of the world. Every person since who has descended alive has made it easier.
Which doesn’t mean that it’s any less formidable, intimidating, grueling, unnerving and challenging. And still so deadly. So, while all those that have summited have illuminated the path ahead, they are not able to make it any less precarious for those who will follow.
If there was a gondola to take you to the top of Mt. Everest it would be a ride to queue for but not an accomplishment worthy of bragging about. Making the minute by minute choices that keep death at bay, pushing the body beyond what it’s built to endure for weeks, living in thin air on a razor’s edge as you climb up and up and up, over and over again, pushing against hurricane force winds and hiding in plain sight from sun rays that can blind you in seconds – these are the conditions that make climbing Mt. Everest a grand achievement.
I received an email last week regarding a reply I wrote in response to a comment. S wrote:
…you said something to me in a comment yesterday that I wanted to ask about. You said “…I am also motivated to do my best so that I can figure out ways to make this process less painful, easier to navigate and full of opportunity for anyone who is dealing with divorce and betrayal.”
You make it sound like the Holy Grail. Which, of course, makes me think of Monty Python and those old King Arthur movies, with those gallant knights strung up on the trees for even daring to look for the Grail. So my question to you is, Is it even possible to make things easier or do we all need to go through the pain and anger to come out better on the other side?
Hillary and Norgay proved the mountain can be climbed, but I’ll still have to weep tears of fear as I cross bottomless cravasses that crave permanent company in their icy belies, on nothing more than common ladders roped together to make it possible, but by no means a guarantee to get to the other side.
All while wearing crampons.
They showed me how to scale her, but they can’t do it for me. I’ll have to take those steps, but knowing that others have survived encourages me to be brave, gives me hope. They set for me an example I wish to emulate. There are lessons to be learned from their missteps.
That is what I hope to do for those who read my words and follow this journey, a journey that is not as deadly as climbing the world’s tallest mountain, but some days it certainly feels as intimidating.
The day before Easter I arrived at the curb in front of The Genius’ house to pick up the dudes. We had arranged for me to have an hour or so to shop for their Easter basket treats while the dudes played a t-ball game. I couldn’t do it any sooner or I would have systematically plowed through bunny after bunny. I have zero will power when it comes to chocolate. The stores were filled to capacity and I was stymied by all the offerings. I arrived back at The Genius’ house about a half hour after they returned from their game – just enough time to change and become engrossed in backyard badminton.
I honked the horn and got out of the car, hopeful that I would not have to knock on the door. Moments later the little dude bounded out first, his blond hair flopping in his eyes as he ran to me. He stopped short of a hug and said,
Mama, I promise not to play video games all day, but can we stay overnight with Dad? I want to play badminton.
I looked up to see the tall dude, followed by The Genius. I could tell that this change of plans had been discussed. All three sets of eyes were waiting on me to respond. My chest emptied, my stomach sank, my heart went silent for a beat. I looked to The Genius to step in and say, Boys, another time. Have a great Easter. It was so fun to see you today.
That didn’t happen.
And then this did:
Really? Um, okay. (Regret #1)
I walked back to the car to remove the bag of Easter treats, shocked that the request to stay over wasn’t taken care of, as in denied, before my arrival. I was not pleased and felt as if I had been set up. My moves were controlled. My words few. But inside emotions, thoughts, feelings were swarming.
The dudes went back in the house, excited to resume play. I reached into the back of the car to pull out the shopping bag.
Glad I could pick these up for you, I said sarcastically. (Regret #2)
It was then that The Genius pulled the plug on the last-minute overnight.
Sure, cancel on them now making me look like the bad guy. How convenient. (Regret #3)
That statement launched him into a tirade wherein he called me manipulative, rude and mean. The next 5 minutes were ugly. He spewed. I asked him for specific examples of how I was being manipulative. He spewed, but declined to provide examples. He spewed some more.
My hands shook. I stared at him without flinching or looking away. I drilled into his eyes. I doubt I even blinked. I wanted to spit in his face.
Not exactly poster child behavior for one who desires to love unconditionally. But trust me, I applaud my self-control. I would have thoroughly enjoyed a front lawn smack down.
Disgusted with me, he bounced away in anger, entering his house to tell the dudes to gather their things. Moments later they emerged. No tears or tantrums, but nonetheless they didn’t need to experience any of it, nor should they have been given the opportunity to alter the game plan on a holiday in the 9th inning.
As they buckled in to their seats, The Genius sat on his Yertle the Turtle perch, telling them how we need to communicate better and that plans sometimes can’t be altered last minute. I chimed in saying that it’s important for us all to speak gently to each other and with respect so that our words are heard.
I was tired of being verbally bullied.
But one last shot was to be fired. I can’t recall if it was wishes for a good day, a safe drive or a Happy Easter, but the final word was spat at me: Sunshine.
I’ve not seen a single Twilight movie, but I have seen enough trailers to know what the werewolves look like when they leap for the throats of the vampires. I would have nailed the audition, without the help of computer generated animation. Instead I put the car in drive, stared straight ahead and waited for him to close the door.
As we drove off, my entire body shaking, I asked the dudes,
So, Santana or The Parlotones?
Santana won out.
I pushed the experience out of my mind and away from my body, adamant that his childish words and anger wouldn’t derail my day. But I was surely affected by them.
Later that afternoon I received an email from The Genius suggesting that we have it out, face to face. He graciously bestowed upon me the opportunity to release all the anger and poison and hatred I have for him, unleash it upon him, so it isn’t bottled up in me anymore. Then, he would do the same.
I’d rather criss cross the Khumba Icefall barefoot and inebriated.
The only anger I felt that day was directed at me for failing to bite my tongue and for failing to have a strategy in place for just such an exchange well in advance. A fact I discussed with Mr. Esquire, the super fantastic kitten who handled the legal transactions of the house sale.
We shared a celebratory dinner at the Sand Dollar after a brisk walk on the beach. He, too, is in the midst of a divorce. One without infidelity, but not without anger and resentment. I told him my tale. I’ll paraphrase his sage response:
Divorce is like playing 3D chess. It’s that complicated. Nobody is prepared for it. We don’t become students of divorce until faced with getting divorced. You kept your cool. I can offer this suggestion should the situation arise again: Tell them that they can stay and finish their game and you’ll come back in 2 hours to pick them up.
Oh. My. Errrrrrr! Why didn’t I say that? Why didn’t I meet the little dude’s request with a smile and a hug and an, I’ll be back in two hours? I could have avoided the entire, nauseating exchange with The Genius with that simple strategy. Oh, why didn’t I take the high road?
Because the Home Ec elective was not followed by Divorce 101.
And even though I know these types of collisions happen often with divorced parents, living one out is the best way of insuring I don’t make the same mistake twice. But here’s the best part – the reason why I want to illuminate the path ahead for those just behind me – I discovered in that exchange that the event itself means nothing. It’s just a way to conjure up a mirror, showing me a part of myself that needs some attention.
I allow myself to be bullied.
I need to continue to work on my boundaries. But what better way to work on them then via this type of exchange? As S asked, “…do we all need to go through the pain and anger to come out better on the other side?”
You can’t get to the top of Mt. Everest, or through a divorce, without a number of harrowing experiences bravely endured along the way. We can take comfort in knowing that so many have gone before us and survived. And that while the path may be illuminated, it doesn’t mean one foot in front of the other will get you to your destination.
Without the extreme hostility and ugly dialogue of our encounter, I wouldn’t have realized how important it is to minimize any interaction with The Genius for the foreseeable future. A part of me hoped that we could be more present with each other as parents, but it’s not possible. As with refusing to acknowledge an allergy, I kept tasting the wheat and feeling the bloat and burning itchy rash until one day the welts took over my body, forcing me to go cold turkey.
I am relieved. Emotionally relieved. And relieved of having to interact with someone who is not able to respect my boundaries. While I receive mixed messages from The Genius, he is receiving only one from me: We will not interact for a very long time. Perhaps not until I descend through the Khumba Icefall after summiting the world’s tallest peak and thank not only Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay for showing me the way, but The Genius, too.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been there…too many times to count! In the beginning, it was my ex’s Happy Dance Chick that would try to lure my 10 year old to stay and do “fun and exciting things with her”. And guess what? I let him. I told him that all that mattered to me was whether he was happy and doing what he wanted to do. Here’s the problem…even if you had let them stay for the 2 hours, Genius STILL would have found fault with you for not letting them stay overnight. Just like it happened to me…even when I swallowed my sadness at my 10 year old seemingly choosing her over me (because I was THAT secure with my relationship with him and it truly didn’t bother me), it was NEVER enough. She always found a way to still make me look unreasonable.
So don’t doubt yourself. NOTHING would have been good enough. He set you up so that he could be “the winner”–the “chosen one” by the boys. Because they are just THAT insecure in their relationships with the kids. It really isn’t you–it’s him–and you need to not tangle yourself into his mess. He knew exactly what he was doing when he plotted that plan with your boys and he knew you’d come out looking like the bad guy in the end if you balked at any of it. You were set up for failure from the beginning.
I’m almost 5 years into this and although it gets better, it’s still maddening and can ruin your night (I just had a run-in with mine and now I’m on my second LARGE glass of wine as a result! LOL).
Hugs to you and just keep doing what you feel is best for your boys. In the end, they will know who was keeping their best interests at heart.
I have been there…too many times to count! In the beginning, it was my ex’s Happy Dance Chick that would try to lure my 10 year old to stay and do “fun and exciting things with her”. And guess what? I let him. I told him that all that mattered to me was whether he was happy and doing what he wanted to do. Here’s the problem…even if you had let them stay for the 2 hours, Genius STILL would have found fault with you for not letting them stay overnight. Just like it happened to me…even when I swallowed my sadness at my 10 year old seemingly choosing her over me (because I was THAT secure with my relationship with him and it truly didn’t bother me), it was NEVER enough. She always found a way to still make me look unreasonable.
So don’t doubt yourself. NOTHING would have been good enough. He set you up so that he could be “the winner”–the “chosen one” by the boys. Because they are just THAT insecure in their relationships with the kids. It really isn’t you–it’s him–and you need to not tangle yourself into his mess. He knew exactly what he was doing when he plotted that plan with your boys and he knew you’d come out looking like the bad guy in the end if you balked at any of it. You were set up for failure from the beginning.
I’m almost 5 years into this and although it gets better, it’s still maddening and can ruin your night (I just had a run-in with mine and now I’m on my second LARGE glass of wine as a result! LOL).
Hugs to you and just keep doing what you feel is best for your boys. In the end, they will know who was keeping their best interests at heart.
N,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here, N. I’m sorry for the delay in responding! Clearly, I’m on Bolinas time.
Yes, I am best served by not getting tangled up in anything other than fishing line, and only because I landed a massive salmon that I plan to eat, head to tail.
Motivations and manifestations. It’s challenging for me to see people’s true motivations. TG truly loves the dudes and has their best interests at heart, but resentment of me gets in the way. We all have our perception of events – our perception is our reality. My hope is that TG gets to the root of his anger and unravels it. I only took up a small part of his journey here. He is who he is not because of me. We all benefit from looking at why we make choices, being certain to not point the finger at others to justify the behavior. It is fascinating that so many people tell the same tale – the one who cheats is angry at the one cheated on.
TG needs to look at why he chose to deceive his family for four years, and I need to look at why I created it, or allowed it, or facilitated it. One some level, I must have known what was going on. Just pondering…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yesterday I read an interesting theory on just that topic (from How Can I Forgive You? a brilliant book by Janis Abrahms Spring, pg 133) “For Adam to acknowledge that he had behaved just as despicably as his father – that by cheating on Lydia, he was no better than the man he demonized all his life – would have stripped him bare, forcing him to turn the antipathy he felt toward his father onto himself. Unable to deal with this humiliation, he projected his self-contempt outward at his wife.”
D,
Apologies for the delay in responding to your comment. Summer has tossed my schedule like a chopped salad! I needed to go back and reread this post to reply. Perfect timing to do today. We’ve come so far. This quote is fantastic. I’ve had to reread it several times as I’m not a natural at understanding complex psychology.
I no longer let The Genius project onto me his anger, discontent, or emotions meant for others in his life. I played that role in our marriage, but now I am liberated. I still don’t fully understand projection, and don’t need to – I only need to move on without Ego. That frees me to be fully present in the moment and filled with love. And without Ego I am much better at erecting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, D. Your presence here is much appreciated.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I re-read my post and had to laugh out loud at this part that I wrote: “even when I swallowed my sadness at my 10 year old seemingly choosing her over me (because I was THAT secure with my relationship with him and it truly didn’t bother me), it was NEVER enough”
WOW–was that ever a contradiction! LOL I guess it did bother me after all but my point was that I was secure enough with my relationship with my son to let it happen despite it bothering me.
My Dearest Cleo,
So sorry to hear of the exchange with The Genius. Maybe that happens when you need a reminder that you now know the truth of who he really is and that you two are different breeds. Don’t beat yourself up for taking the bait – you are a kind, sensitive human being who expects the best in others. When the best doesn’t even almost make a showing, it still can be shocking. I have been obsessed with Everest since reading Jon Krakauer’s “Into Thin Air” years ago! I am way too much of a wuss to ever consider summitting and am in awe of people who try. I always had a hard time understanding why climbers would put themselves through that, but I get it now. There is a very private question in their minds that need to be answered through a summit attempt. If anyone can do this, it’s you! You have the wherewithal to go through what’s happened to your life over the past year, so Everest should be a breeze. I’ll be cheering you on on both fronts!
S,
Thank you so much for your support and for being here, m’lady. A breeze? Perhaps more like a bashing wind! This time of year is so exciting. When I go to sleep I picture the climbers making their way up and down the mountain, boosting their red blood cell count, and hoping for clear skies and a window to summit. That wont happen for several weeks, but the work is on! I can’t wait for my turn. Let’s hope this Swedish body can get me to the top!
This won’t surprise you – I’m grateful for the exchange with TG. It showed me that I need to be very conscious of not allowing myself to be verbally abused and to not engage in conversations with someone who is not mature enough to respect my boundaries and communicate like an adult. As I spend time out there in the world with new people, men and women, and observe how they engage with me, I am better able to recognize unhealthy behaviors. Thanks to my boundaries, I can make a conscious choice to remove myself from encounters where the interaction isn’t healthy. Somehow now it’s easier to walk away, to vote with my feet, as they say. I imagine that’s a wonderful byproduct of loving myself. It’s taken a year and half to get here, with nearly full time focus. The transformation has been extraordinary. While I am the first to pat myself on the back, I couldn’t have made it this far without the support and love from all of you. Words on a screen can’t possibly communicate how grateful I am. I am blown away by the beauty of the kittens. Thank you, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo ~ I meant to comment after your last post. Can I just say THANK YOU??? Thank you for this blog, thank you for your insight into this rollercoaster journey, but most of all, thank you for your raw honesty. You are a rock star in my opinion. It’s so important to share the ups AND the downs. Living a transparent life… isn’t that what we desire? Your “Slow Creep of Bad Choices” post, along with a couple of your kittens’ comments, made me feel so relieved! Let me explain… One of your kittens commented that she doesn’t want you to think you have to do this perfectly (amen…we are here for you, flaws, missteps, whatever)… and another kitten, the Realtor, commented and thanked you for being human, because for a while, she thought you were of “Elevated Status… more evolved” than the rest of us. Truly, I was thinking the same thing. Getting a bit discouraged because you seem to know just what to do and although I’m only 2 months behind you in my discovery, I was feeling light years behind you in moving forward. I sincerely want to thank you for being splayed open for all to read. That is called courage! You are doing a HUGE service by sharing your crappy moments as well as your enlightened ones. I soooo respect you! Thank you again and again for your words. They are always exactly what I need.
I discovered another blog that is helping me and thought I’d mention it to you, in light of your post today (which was so good!) and your recent exchange with TG. I have been struggling because my genius wants to reconcile. 4 years of an affair, hundreds of thousands of dollars cash on his GF, credit card debt, internet porn, hookups, oh my I could go on and on. So… why is it even a question as to whether I should stay or go? He was my high school sweetheart, together for 30 years, married for 20, 3 kids, my faith says I should forgive, fear of cutting out, blah blah blah. I feel guilt and uncertainty. It’s left me sitting on a fence, looking at both sides, thinking wow… both views are pretty crappy. Anyway, I stumbled across a blog called ChumpLady.com. Her tagline is “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” I spent this weekend reading her entire blog, from start to finish… just as I did when I discovered yours. She has interesting insight into what she calls “cake eaters.” Between your blog and hers, I feel strong enough to make my decision. I’m getting off that effed up fence.
PS… you have gorgeous hair! I think I would recognize you the minute I see you! If so, I will definitely give you a big hug and say THANK YOU. xo
S,
Thank you for the kind words and for the blog suggestion! I see this image of me at the farmer’s market getting hit from behind by the hug of a lifetime, courtesy of one beautiful kitten. We fall to the ground, my fava beans fly in the air, and people stare wondering, Whatever could they be so happy about?
Life. We’re happy about life. About being alive at the best possible time, in the best possible place, and with an entire lifetime to sort out what it means to be human.
What a total freaking gas.
This fence you’ve been straddling – kudos for taking the time to observe what each side looks like, how each feels, instead of blindly going in either direction. As I type these words I keep hearing ‘boundaries’. You don’t have to accept any encounter, relationship, partnership that doesn’t support you, nourish you and value you, regardless of faith, outside opinions or obligation. Your obligation is to yourself. Not long ago I wrote about making choices and decisions. When we center, ground and turn in, come to know the right choice to make and decide to make it, the engine of manifestation comes to life. I’ve witnessed it a dozen times in the last year. The more you turn in and listen to your intuition – trust it! – you will start to know immediately the right thing to do when faced with a choice. Perhaps one day you will be back together with your G. Seems like he needs to turn in for quite some time to unravel the choices he’s made, heal the pain he’s trying to ignore and come to love himself again before that reunion could be possible.
I’m so excited for you. I can feel the fresh air, the movement, the knowing. You’re ready. And we’ll be here cheering you on. Where did I put those pom poms…they must be in a box around here somewhere… Stay close, my dear.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for bringing Chumplady to my attention. I wish I had known about it a year ago, before I wasted 7 months of my life working my ass off to convince “Richard the Brave” that I was the girl for him and our marriage and family were fantastic. She is another great voice in my head as I navigate this new territory.
This is huge, Cleo…HUGE. You’re truly assessing the situation as it is, not how you or anyone else would like it to be, and you’re taking care of *yourself*. It is true that we teach people how to treat us — not excusing TG’s behavior in the least here, but pointing out what an enormous breakthrough this is, since you are going to take steps (building boundaries, limiting contact, etc.) to “teach” him a new way.
You are such a rock star!
xoxo, Nic
N,
YES! It is huge. In just a few words you have nailed exactly what went down that day. I have to thank The Genius. He’s at the epicenter of some of my most important turning points in my quest to put the pieces of myself together the way they were meant to be, not forced together to be someone I’m not for the sake of another.
You’ve said those words before and I found myself saying them that night – It’s my responsibility to teach people how to treat me. I’m doing it not just with TG but with others as well. It will lead me to those people I most need to have with me on this journey.
A rock star…you are very kind. Thank you. That’s just the nudge I need to hit up a karaoke night somewhere soon. I’ll open for you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yes. This.
Others may have gone before and survived, but there are days I am afraid is will disappear under the strain of being mother and father to two other small humans while trying to bite my tongue and endure the stranger that their father has become.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for giving us an opportunity to surround you with love and support. I empathize with you. The Genius is a stranger to me, too. I imagine to varying degrees, we all feel that way. What’s most important now is that we are no longer strangers to ourselves. On those days when you feel like you are slipping down an ice wall into a void, look for the magic. Force yourself. You’ll need to. But soon it will become a reflex.
Self-arrest. (Oh, the mountaineering analogies flow!) Shove that ice pick into the ground and stop the slide. Look around and say, Wow. I did that. All by myself. And I can do it again if I have to because I am capable, strong, loving and willing. We’re here for you, J. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I would also add that it is extremely important to create your own village to support yourself and your kids. Cleo has created a virtual village but sometimes it is as simple as asking for help from people you know or meet. As women we are usually the helpers but there are times when we are the helpees. Think about what you need and then ask. This is really something that is best done with other people. Preferably loving funny people. I have been away from my ex for twelve years and I am sorry to say that the aliens that abducted the man that I loved have still not brought him back. You will be better than OK when you get through this. Eventually you will see what a beautiful gift he gave you. Two awesome kids and the freedom to find a ife you never thought you could have.
D,
Your words of support are so helpful. Thank you for caring for all of us and for taking the time to hold our hands.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Julie,
Yes! A stranger. How is it that the person who was my partner and best friend for 23 years is now a stranger I can’t even look at? Trying to figure that out while keeping the hurt wife and nurturing mother from running into each other, looking for a job, learning to care for a lawn, and caring for two kids who insist on a clean home, fresh laundry, healthy meals on a regular basis (the little tyrants!) leaves little time for anything but mere survival. I work hard to find a balance that includes my fitness, hobbies, and pleasure, and I have found enough magic to make this sh*t sandwich a little more palatable.
Cleo, just a note to say that I really enjoyed this post. Don’t worry about not having had Mr Esquire’s elequent response already stocked away, you will undoubtedly get a chance to use it in the future.
R,
Thank you, m’lady. I’m inspired by the mountain. And by all of you. So grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s not a bad thing to just say no to the kids. You don’t have to come back in two hours. It’s beneficial for the children to learn boundaries and schedules as well. I’m all for trying to be amicable but trying to bend yourself into a pretzel isn’t going to help anyone. I did the whole, “Sure *huge fake smile*, I’ll drive back in 2 hours / give up a night / not take them to xyz so he can” and it’s all for naught. At the end of the day the kids bounce right back from interrupted things. Schedules are a blessing in these situations. Genius needs to stick to them and you shouldn’t be made to feel less than for sticking to them. Enough with trying to coddle everyone. And good call not allowing the whole let’s get this out face to face. I have never given my EX that and after 2 years post divorce am relieved to know I never went there and didn’t allow him the same.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your sage guidance.
Keeping it simple, right? Stick to the schedule. And there is no benefit for us to communicate in person, unless it is in the presence of a professional. I was willing to do that, but he bailed. And so we have no relationship left at all, when we could have had a friendship had he not cheated. Woulda, coulda, shoulda…
Bending myself into a pretzel, I have recently come to understand, is a form of manipulation, and not just of the body, or schedule. But manipulation of another by agreeing to do something that is going to result in a failure. So fingers can be pointed. I don’t want to knowingly or unknowingly play those games. So it’s best to just keep the interaction as basic and simple as possible. Oh, so hard to do. But so very necessary. I’m grateful you’re here, J.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I don’t know that you make it “easier” – I would say that you make it less lonely. Knowing that others are going through similar journeys (albeit some are at the beginning, some are going over Hurricane Hill, and others are nearing the finish line) creates such a strong sense of community that it would make anyone (including me) feel embraced. I personally think that pain and anger is a necessary evil within the growing process.
The other thing I wanted to comment on was this: A part of me hoped that we could be more present with each other as parents, but it’s not possible. Be patient with yourself, Cleo. It may not be possible now, but maybe eventually. My guess is that TG has not gone through the type of evolution (nor may he) to the degree as you have. I assume that he is the same TG as he was two years ago – I don’t know. I don’t know enough about him. I do know that you have changed, so it’s no surprise that he didn’t consider how a last-minute change of plans would be disruptive. It doesn’t make the action right, but it could give some perspective. At any rate, reverting to your old ways now and again is normal. Helps to remind us where we came from, and where we want to be. Be kind to yourself.
C,
Such grounded words of guidance and support. Thank you, C. The community of gorgeous beings here at HGM is remarkable. I’m struck by the universal desire to shine, to love, to grow, to be real, to acknowledge our flaws, love them, yet delight in finding ways to be more magical, optimistic, vulnerable and grateful.
I’m also struck by our charm, quick wit, flare for spinning s…tuff into gold and our smokin’ good looks.
Wow: “…reverting to your old ways now and again is normal. Helps to remind us where we came from, and where we want to be.” Gold medal statement.
Your assessment is spot on. Perhaps in time things will improve. Sadly, there is no trust there. That makes it hard for me to expose myself to any interaction. Which, of course, makes it hard to rebuild trust through a series of encounters that are positive. Right now the potential for further damage far outweighs any need to interact. When in doubt, Do what feels good. And those types of encounters don’t feel good at all.
Hanging here with you does, tho! Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I admire you for not ripping his throat out. I don’t know if I would have had such dainty restraint. You’re doing this, Cleo. You got this. It’s going to just GALL him to see you continue to be happy. He isn’t happy. If he was, he wouldn’t resort to such childish games. But I’m sure he blames you. Keep smiling. You’re doing great.
C,
Thank you. You would have acted gracefully, I’m certain. Or at least stopped short of bloodshed. In the moment it is hard to remain gentle. In this case I became tense and defensive. But I stopped short of losing it because finger-pointing is transparent. I have faults and failings too, and I claim them as my own. Doing so creates magic. Freedom. Relief from having to be perfect. Maybe TG will get there.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“Because the Home Ec elective was not followed by Divorce 101″ ~~ LOVE THIS! So true.
I remember earlier in my marriage we had some hard times but pushed through them and I felt high and mighty to my other friends who had given up and divorced. Staying married is so much harder than giving up and divorcing, I said with my nose in the air. Fast forward only 4 years later and I was giving up and divorcing. UH, no, not easier. Not even close. Divorce is Ugly with a capital U.
I am finally in a good place with my ExHusb but we are on year 6 of our divorce (funny, you will start to remember your Divorce is Final day instead of your Anniversary day) and now can remain friendly in most situations around the kids. But I’m not high and mighty about it, I still have to fire off some heated ALL CAPS text messages to him when he’s acting a fool though…
T,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Yes, Ugly. Which is why there needs to be a Divorce 101 class in school. College. Everyone student should take a 6 week class on prenuptial agreements and divorce. It’s my new mission. I have some exciting news I hope to be able to share in a few months and this cause will take center stage.
My hope remains that one day TG and I can communicate without the complicating factors of anger and resentment. Until then I rely upon my forgiveness and desire to be compassionate to insure I make the right choices. For now that means choosing to disengage. I’ve got my own stuff to work on – I felt my thighs touch today! Time to get serious about training! Goodness knows I’m not giving up guacamole, chips, dark chocolate, shredded coconut, BBQ chicken, and peanut butter. Lots of peanut butter. So I better start leaving it on the trails.
How am I going to fit this all in…?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo…..Love the metaphor of the mountain climb on Everest…
like mountains there are peaks and valleys…it’s so nice to stand on a ledge and look at the beauty of what u are becoming/being…take a breath and say ahhhhhhh….the breakdowns are worth the breakthroughs…even it was the Genius that had/wants the breakdown….we share and grow and your kitten group is soooo awesome…glad ur all there for each other!! Peace.
J,
“take a breath and say ahhhhhhh”
ahhhhhhhhhhh…. That felt good. A wisdom-filled, supportive, open, loving group of furballs, they are. Thank you for being one of them!
I always visualize climbing as just ‘up’. Thank you for reminding me to pay more attention to the topography of the mountain and how those valleys are often breaks in the climb. Places to rest. The downs in life don’t have to be labeled as downers. They can just be rests from the highs.
Thank you, J!
Love yourself,
Cleo
All that wind blew last night, it made the skies so blue after weeks of haze and high clouds and threatening rain. Perfect day for a walk if you can get out and do it. I only wished they’d blown in sooner as I missed the ISS pass over the bay area last night because of the clouds. Might as well enjoy the good weather after the storm. What are you gonna do get mad at weather? hahaha ok cheers
K,
The stars tonight! Brilliant. And the winds last night – Bolinas, KS USA. It was memorable! I wanted to head to the beach but the dudes are just a tad young to leave at home – even at the Calmmune. Maybe next month.
The fog has been spectacular these past few days sitting on the ridge behind Stinson. If you wanted moody you looked east; west for sun fun and spring clouds. Then the pounding rain and winds. And today a perfect coastal day. No wonder aliens come to visit. We have the best weather.
Tonight would have been a perfect viewing night for the ISS. I still haven’t seen it! Thanks for being here, K.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi C,
What an eye-opening afternoon with TG! I agree, the best answer would have been to swing back and pick the dudes up after a bit more shuttling, but it is often difficult to think on your feet in a situation like that. Don’t fret…. you have an amazing capability to bounce back, just like the shuttle with the white, bouncy end. Attached to that are the 16 goose feathers…. you also have beautiful plumage to fly high above the lines of boundary. Fly above the boundary markers so that you can clearly identify them for yourself. Every day in Divorce 101 is a learning day… Just like in Home Ec… before the semester ends you will be able to bind your own corduroy
pillow!
P,
Or make my own black velvet pleated skirt, which is the only finished project I eeked out of Home Ec. I wore the stitching out of that skirt.
Eye opening indeed, to include the 3rd eye! Some days I cry and other days I see how all these encounters are so essential to my overall growth. I cannot get to where I need to be without them. Gratefully, I have the support of the kittens. I am here to support, too. Compassionately, we will heal and thrive, looking back on this time as a tipping point that propelled us forward, doused in magic.
Thank you, P. You soar. So very well.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I haven’t commented for a while but I have been following your journey through your posts. Oh, I remember those dreaded holiday drop-offs and pick-ups. There was always some surprise for me at either end, just after I’d gotten everybody back together from the last exchange. I admire your resolve, your grace and your confidence. I don’t know what’s going through The Genius’ mind, but I have a feeling he’s going to be no match for you. Keep being the loving, honest mother you are. What’s important is that the little dudes see that. In time, they’ll discover the truth for themselves. I have a feeling this 3D chess game is in the bag.
K,
You are so very kind. I’m picking up some skills, for sure, but the peaks and valleys remind me that until my bum is planted on a cloud I am in a world that relishes teaching lessons. Forever a student here, no?
This shared (2,2,3) custody arrangement is great when both parents are locked onto a solid co-parenting plan. Not the case with us. It really blows. No ladylike way to put it. But, the dudes love us both and want to be with us both. I’m grateful for that. It would be heartbreaking if they didn’t want to be with one of us. This move to Bolinas was designed to provide a counter-balance and it’s proven to be exactly that. They are blissed out here, surrounded by people who share my feelings about life on this planet.
I’m so happy to see you are still here at HGM. Thank you for taking the time to comment. You, K, rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your post literally had me feeling the stomach pains I get when I have to converse with my ex. I’m sorry the Genius is such a d-bag. To put you in that position is ridiculous, but it hit close to home. You did a great job. Despite rethinking your conversations, you kept your head held high (I know you wanted to kick him). There’s so much emotion there still and it’s hard to separate it. Mr Esquire’s advice was really good. I’ll remember it too. It’s amazing how our former loves become such strangers. Celebrate the FREEDOM from his d-bagness…and all this amazing stuff in your life.
H,
It’s so great to ‘see’ you here! I apologize for the delay in replying to your comment. Playing catch up as I settle into this new routine. It’s taking longer than I anticipated (if I in fact anticipated anything) but progress is being made.
“It’s amazing how our former loves become such strangers.” Yes. Yes. Yes. If you had read the words sent to me recently you would have not believed they came from a man who says he loved me. Projection. That strange thing our human brains do to protect and survive. We are evolving, H. Growing. Blossoming. So grateful to watch it unfold with you by my side. YOU are amazing.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Fabulous post. A stranger.. yes… very much so. Although I am convinced now that my husband was depressed for years and then the birth of our child threw him in to a crazy manic state. He is under psychiatric review for bipolar. He lives a few blocks up with the woman he cheated on me with,( a year ago), and every few months since it happened he decides he’s done with her and wants his life back. I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for not standing by him if he is in fact sick. Just curious your thoughts on this?
Thanks so much, your blog really helps.
H
H,
Thank you, m’lady. So fun to write about Everest and to be able to find the meaning in an inane conversation.
Thoughts on your question: I’d suggest spending some time on the planet somewhere, alone, with that guilt. Close your physical eyes and use your Observer to see what the guilt is attached to – him or some part of you that feels obligated to put yourself 2nd and another first, even though that person hasn’t proven to be deserving of such a position in your life. Do you feel guilty if you put yourself first? If you protect yourself from those who have shown to cause you harm? I am just intuitively typing right now, and normally wouldn’t go this far on such little background information, but it’s what my heart wants to say. He (his soul) set you free (told you to leave with his actions) from needing to be the one to get him through this (dark?) time. Graciously accept his gift.
We are here for you, H. And you know you can reach out to me at any time. You’ve got some exciting times ahead. Lots to discover about you and life. Keep those eyes sparkling, soft, gentle and look for the magic. He needs to find his own way now. And you are free to explore your path and create your own magic.
Thank you for being here, H. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo you are bang on! Thanks you very much
H,
As they say at the poshest of hotels, My pleasure. Only I actually mean it.
LY,
C
Excellent post! Full of wisdom.
It helps a lot to know your nitty-gritty. Your experience is ours.
Thank you.
T,
Thank you for your kind words. It helps so much to share, to know that I have a place to write it out. I am so grateful for the support, which encourages me to be open and vulnerable.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have a bit of a different take on this post. Every single time you have one of these encounters, think of what is BEST for the little dudes in that encounter. You’ll be eternally grateful you did, once they are grown. (I’m a grandmother now and raised two children via joint custody.)
D,
Always. It’s a must. My hope is that the dudes benefit over time from this experience. It is sad for them now. But if TG and I are able to co-parent efficiently, love them deeply and not involve them in the emotional upheaval that still exists between us, they may benefit from having witnessed two people emerge from rubble stronger and at peace.
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment. We cherish experience here at HGM! Light our path!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Forgot to mention my “path” included finding my soul mate aka second husband. We’ve been married 25 years.
D,
That makes me smile. Your love, the partnership you’ve created, fills the part of me that hoped for the same with joy. I celebrate your union.
Love yourself,
Cleo
TG is also very simple with his communication. He is saying everything to himself. He is all the things he called you. He is a typical mirror which is why he couldn’t be specific about your behavior. He is jus trying to distract you emotionally so he can pull you into his vortex
V,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I”m grateful to have you here. We are mirrors and we draw to us the mirrors we need to gaze into. It’s been a gift to realize that I am responsible for being accountable for my actions, and I don’t have to own or fix or justify the actions of another. My choices, I hope, will reflect my desire to live openly and honestly and without causing harm to any beings.
That little clue – not being able to provide specific examples of me being rude, etc. – helps to illuminate the subtle trickery of projection. I don’t understand the theory well, but I’m beginning to see how it plays out. On one hand it makes life complicated, to have to analyze the words and intentions of others. But it’s also what makes life so fascinating. Much to learn. Thank you for planting a seed that has me wanting to do some digging.
Love yourself,
Cleo