March 17th was a bad day. What started out with green waffles hit stride when my left sinus had a total meltdown. Yes, that too was green. My corned beef and cabbage was a hit, except that I cried discreetly through most of dinner (and anytime we were in the car, and when I was in the shower, and when the boys were playing outside). But I try to look on the bright side. Only once did my head feel like it was going to explode, fracturing into a million little pieces so quickly you could still see my face, long after it had blown apart.
I yelled at the boys twice. Oh, the chaos! I thought about duct taping them to the wall at one point, but on the way to find the tape I took note of the ever-growing collection of fur balls scattering around the floor, pausing only if they got stuck in other assorted dirt. I spent the next hour cleaning and lamenting my present state of affairs.
I ran through it all. How could you have done this to us? For four years? That qualifies as a double life. That’s one giant leap up from an affair. How could you deny it for two months after The Pocket Call until I found hard evidence? How could you lie so much for so long? How could you introduce The Happy Dance Chick to our children? How could your mother friend her on Facebook? And what the hell is happening here? My whole world is shifting so fast.
It’s fair to say I worked those questions over for about 9 hours. All that effort and emotional upheaval got me not one answer. Zip. What it got me was a racing heart, a pounding head, a lot of sadness, and the feeling that I blew the day. I handed one to The Genius.
So I sat down to write. I recalled the night, at my Mom’s house back East, in November, when I decided to write this blog. I thought of one name: His Giant Mistake. (At the time I was, and still am, listening to The Parlotones. The inspiration came from their song, Giant Mistake.) The URL was available. First shot. When does that happen unless it’s something like www.unclejunipersliquifiedrocksalt.com?
From that point on everything pertaining to this blog has flowed. I don’t procrastinate, I am energized by writing even if what I’m writing about is draining, and the benefits of being kept sane by writing can’t be overstated. I’d be a tattered mess if I didn’t have HGM. It grounds me. It makes me laugh. It gives me a safe place to cry. The outpouring of love, support, guidance, and some finely crafted prose which makes the comment sections of this blog arguably more fun than the blog itself, has deeply touched me.
I thought by writing HGM I would simply have a place to shake it off, get my words out, and be creative. I didn’t expect it would become a massive group hug that helps me to stay on track, be present, and accepting of myself as I twist and bend through this reality. It’s better than daily therapy, which is really freaking expensive, so know that I am eternally grateful.
A bad day is coming to a close, and it’s done a 180. I have a smile on my face. My muscles are slowly shedding the stress of the day. I feel lighter. All because I got to come spend some time here. I have so much to be thankful for in the here and now that I just can’t ignore any longer.
It’s time to start living the life I create for me, with my boys.
Thanks for being here on a day I needed you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Gosh! Don’t you hate those days? When the pile of crap keeps getting higher and higher, until you just lay on the floor on your stomach, arms and legs flailing (figuratively, at least most of the time). But what I like about those crappy days, is that the next day (a) we get a do-over; (b) things are bound to get better (you can only get so much crap, right? Eventually the universe balances itself so you are bound to get a better day).
Reading your post tonight reminded me of my own struggles (I’ve had my share. Currently, its dealing with the autism diagnosis for two of my kids). There are days when I am the “I-can-do-this-I’m-a-strong-woman-hear-me-roar” person, and there are days when I become this “I-need-my-mommy-and-a-hug” person. They’re both part of the process. Both serves their own purpose. What do they say about light and darkness? That there must be darkness for you to appreciate the light? Or something like that but much more eloquent than I can come up with at 12:30 am on a Sunday.
I told my friends they should read your blog. Although none of us (at least that I know of) are in the same boat as you. You know why I’m so in-love with your blog in a I-love-you-I-wanna-marry-you kind of way (I would, I really would except I’m already married, and in case my DH decides to pull a Genuis, I offered the first spot to Adele–I have yet to hear from her. But after that, you’re next in line
)? It’s because even in your low points, you manage to bring a strong, positive message. It’s an inspiration to any one who has to deal with their own crap–and we all have those. But its how we handle those crappy things, how we process them, how we choose to respond to them that counts. And your grace, your strength, your refusal to be a victim (to hell with the email lady) and become bitter is such an inspiration. I want to be you when I grow up.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Grace,
Adele is a Goddess. I completely understand playing back-up to her.
I may lose sight of this at times, but I feel it’s my responsibility to be centered, positive and full of light. Out of respect for myself and for those around me. We live in a dual world – darkness and light, happiness and sadness, fear and strength all live side by side. They need each other. And we need them all so that we can find out way to balance.
Yesterday, on my bad day, I observed what happened to my body as I allowed the negativity to pulse through me. I became tight, constricted, distracted, and hunched over. Not pretty, inside or out. After I wrote I felt lighter, taller, stronger, more peaceful and relaxed. So by experiencing what negative thoughts in my physical body I can understand how they work and choose opt for positive thoughts because they support me. It’s going to take me some time to insure this is more than just a habit but truly a way of being. Once I do…look out world.
Your children are blessed to have you as their Mom. You will be a bright light for them as they navigate this world in their bodies. We all love them.
Love yourself,
Cleo
whew! actually i’m glad to see that some days you actually do get emotional. For a minute there (or two blogs) i thought ut oh, one of these days she’s going to explode or eventually we may see a news flash that a red head has literally torn the genuis a new one (bobbit in reverse) haha Sorry you have to go thru all this, you of all people do not deserve it !! you are an incredible woman, mother, mentor and athlete, but always remember that you are also human and somedays we just have to rise up let the anger out and do the son a bitch dance!! don’t forget that i live with a SOB too and i’m always a phone call away. love ya like my luggage cleo !! and even steel magnolia’s have their son a bitch dance days!
CR,
Thank you, m’lady. Oh, I get emotional every day. Most days I’m really grateful and peaceful, looking around the corner for the next laugh. Yesterday I could have seen laughs around every corner and I wouldn’t have recognized them. Today I am more aligned. More centered. Feeling more free and willing to take a risk.
I have something in mind….
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I had this innocent baby inside me and I couldn’t bear to cause him harm because of the crap his father has put me through….
I had my share of similar bad days some three years ago and I went through them while I was pregnant. My Genius probably had the conscience to own up to his $h!t after we found out I was expecting. And believe me, when you’re physically worn down (like when I was exhausted, weak from morning sickness, etc) is when it’s at its worsts because your defenses are down and you realize that you’re even more vulnerable than you know and you let others see. What I learned from dealing with HGM is to breathe (figuratively, and no pun intended, since I know your sinuses are acting up
Sooo breathe…. Cry for a few minutes each day, feel all those poisonous emotions once in a while, but never let him ruin this magnificent person that survived…
Fast forward 3 years and I have a beautiful (albeit mischievous) toddler who reminds me so much of how beautiful life is and how little miracles happen every day. He was my touchstone, my savior from going completely insane back then… I’m sure three years from now, you’ll be looking at yourself amazed at how strong you can be.
Virtual hug for you… While I’m tidying up my boy’s room
GW,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment.
Breath is the life force that connects us all, from the little baby inside you to you and me. There were many moments yesterday when I held my breath. A sign that I don’t want to let my energy out and let anyone’s in. I used to be a champion at that. But, thanks to a mentor that will get her own blog post, I am a conscious breather. I just need to have a more regular practice.
Thank you for reminding me to honor myself by breathing in the life force of the universe. I am so grateful. Love that little guy, and…
Love yourself.
Cleo
I have no children of my own, but my soon to be x’s two kids are my babies. Through all of his betrayal, lying and subsequent abandonment…they have chosen to remain a very present part of my life. Cleo honey, you will have more of these days and I promise they do get easier…your boys are your anchor…your life is as much about them as it is you, and I have to tell you, one day they will tell you how proud of you they are.
Your blog is a legacy, a footprint that shows your integrity and strength. My mom weathered my dads affair with humility and compassion but most of all she weathered the worst of the storm for us, her cubs…I have never forgotten her sacrifices and her unconditional love and strength. When I go home to South Africa in August I will show her your blog so she can see that despite me telling her I know what she did and that I am truly blessed to have her as a Mom, that in this blog she will know it was never a platitude. that despite the full circle of life and me reliving her pain…she taught me to do it with style.
Your sons have the benefit of this blog, your legacy to look back on and to see how truly amazing, inspiring and courageous their incredible Mother is when she faced her worst betrayal.
The bad days come, bring them…but they are far fewer than the good days. You are loved, you are understood and you are being carried by all of us who read this blog. From mothers, step mothers and their beautiful children…keep loving yourself, we do.
MLP
MLP,
I am so moved by your words that I’ve had to add tissues to the shopping list…again. No wonder my sinuses are pissed at me. Last night I did an interview for a story about HGM. She asked me if the words of those that comment keep me on my path. Your comment is a prime example of that. I read your words and see again the importance of being light and peaceful for my children.
My pain can be fuel used to burn my light brighter. I have a choice about how I move through this chapter in my journey. I can turn each challenge into an opportunity to shine light on my children, on all of you, and the world. It can seem a daunting task, but when I break it down to simple moments in time which provide me with a chance to shine, I am confident I can.
I can shine. Get your sunglasses, m’lady. It’s about to get bright in here.
I love your Mom. I love you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What a beautiful post Hela. I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s an inspiration to see you walk with your head high and to take what you learned and make it something beautiful.
Cleo,
Bad days happen and sometimes you get loads of bad days which can make you forget that there are also good days and sometimes, like I can imagine, if your husband has cheated and deceived you in the worst possible way it can sometimes feel like nothing will be good again. I don’t know what words of wisdom or good cheer I can offer, because sometimes there’s no getting around a sh-t day, but know that they aren’t all like that. And with what you are putting out into the world with this blog, loads of good things are going to happen for you.
Big hug Cleo.
Dana,
Loving your perspective. I took your hug and cloned it.
I thought by living in the present I could forget the past. I’m realizing that I can leave the actions of the past in the past but must carry forth the emotions to the present day, where we can sit together for awhile. Let them have their moment, too.
“And with what you are putting out into the world with this blog, loads of good things are going to happen for you.” I’m going to believe in you. And me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Love you, Sister!
PJ,
And I you. Meet me on the Equinox. We’ll celebrate.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi again Cleo.
I hope that you and your children are enjoying this first day of spring. Today marks the begining of a fresh, new Spring season, one that is full of hope and anticipation. I hope today marks a new chapter in the book which is your life. For all that is yet to come your way, I wish only good things for you and yours. God bless
As I read through all the replies and hugs and happy thoughts that are sent your way, as well as all the sad stories that are shared here. I must say, you have started something that is good for all that find common ground here. Sadly it is sorrow that is the thread that binds most of us, but compassion and hope is what keeps us following you along the path of your journey. Your sadness, happiness and frustration has become part of all of our journey, we are all with you.
I wish that the people that hurt us would own their actions, but none of them ever willingly do. They are cowards and snakes and should carry such titles.
My Texas Brenda never thought and to this day I am positive still does not think that she has done anything wrong. Adultry does not exsist if you do not admit to it right? Really??? Moral compass at 52 years old. HUH? Some people really can justify anything. I thought she was not only my wife, but my trusted best friend. Oh the sleepless nights and buckets of tears I have shed over that woman. My true friends are people of honor and would not do something so low down as was done by her…
I have learned that we all must focus on all the good in our lives, stop letting others bad behaviour set the tone for our lives.
The people that we spend our time feeling hurt about, really do not feel our pain or have any remorse regarding how they have make us feel. The choose to be oblivious to the impact on others lives that their action have caused. They are living a happy life lying to someone else. What do they care, we are out of sight and out of mind. They feel we just need to get over it. Nice.
It is time all of us to cut the cancer that these bad people are, right out of our lives. Deem them as untrust worthy snakes and make them own that. If not for betrayal you would not writing HGM and people such as myself and all the others would not be reading, feeling a connection and replying. All our lives would be different.
It is time for us all to put the landing gear down and stop circling these big piles of hot melted messes that our ex’s are. We all have brains and clear thoughts and like myself we all have a heart and believe in true love and happily ever after. Time to start the pursuit of the things that bring us the most joy and give not a second thought to those which brings us nothing but pain. Time to give our love to someone that truly deserves a great person in their life. Selfcenterness sees no boundries! It is limitless!!! Run free stupidity run free!
God gave me this life, as he gave you yours. Your Genuis is a dumbass and that is the label, the less then a man, should carry.
I hope that he at least mans up to his role as a father to your children and continues to provide whatever an emotionally bankrupt soul like himself can provide as time goes on. He owes them a father more then anything. The man has proven himself to be no better then a flea bitten dog. To sleep under a dumpster in a back alley with real dogs is an insult to real dogs. For real dogs can not help what they are. He made his choice to be a flea bitten dog. Shame on him and those that are like him, uuummm such as Brenda. ( I admit I am a tad bit bitter ) There is a very special place somewhere that is very very warm, reserved just for those kind of people. Just a hint, it is not Mexico. ( honestly if these people would admit they have a problem, go seek help and put in an effort to trying to fix themselves, I could maybe repect them a little bit, not trust them ever again but accept them as humans again, that kind of commitment in there own personal growth would make me feel so much better about how I feel toward the cheater and liars in this world )
Time for all of us to land in a place that brings ones soul peace and happiness. We really do have all the power and when we put some time between us and the initial hurt and pain, things do become much clearer. I think I am not saying anything that you do not already know yourself to be true. We must live our lives holding all those that we have been blessed with close. We all have no idea how long we will be here for, so we simply must make each moment happy and worth living. Live long, free and be proud of all that you are and all that you do.
Let the sunshine fill your life and do make a point of finding and having all the fun that each day brings. I wish you a life time of few regrets…
Take care Cleo, and thank you again for sharing all that you share…
Darrin
Darrin,
First, I have to apologize for the delay in replying to your comment. I had to take the time to digest it, and I’m glad I did. At first I wanted to grab your face in my hands and say, “Let go, D, let go. Don’t be bitter. It reduces your glow.”
But as I reread your words I see that you have the presence of heart to know that you need to send TB off on a cloud and come back to center, loving yourself. It is SO hard to let go of the anger and bitterness. Sometimes I just want to berate The Genius, punish him, and make him hurt like he hurt me. But that accomplishes nothing for me. For me, it’s not about him anymore.
In this big love-in known as HGM, we can gather and bask in the support for our journeys. I hope that where ever you are this weekend you are able to get on the Earth and sing her Spring praises. Ground your feet in her terra firma. Soak up her love. And celebrate new birth.
I spent the Equinox with my boys taking a beautiful hike in Sonoma with friends and closed it with a meditation circle while the boys played horseshoes and stomp rockets. A good time was had by all. I trust yours was equally as supportive.
Thank you, D., for spending time here and sharing with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo – you are so brave and so wise to share all your hurt and pain with all of us. You’ve put words and a “voice” to the hurt that many of us who have gone through. While reading your blog, I often find myself nodding in agreement and thinking “Yep, Genius try to make her feel crazy too…..” If I could, I would take you on some of my favorite hikes in Oregon, with my dear girlfriends and let you cry and rage. And then we would sit at the top of the mountain and send our pain out on the wind. Take care and know that there are many of us cheering for you. Namaste.
MM,
Oh, MM…I’m so there with you. And will soon be in Oregon. I will write my way through…and ground myself to the beauty that is the Oregon coast.
I’m coming around to the subtle ways (subtle to me – outrageously obvious to all of you) that The Genius ran me through the ringer. Telling myself that it’s okay…I’ll have him to partly thank for the beautiful woman I will become.
I’m giving you a massive coastal hug. Thank you so much for joining us here at HGM. I’m delighted to meet you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
The website I reserved? http://thisicantbelieve.com
A friend just passed this blog onto me. At this point I’m two and half years from my confrontation with my Genius, 1 year 8 months from when he moved out and 5 months from when the divorce was finally finalized. I’m reading this and it’s as if you got into all my notes, files and journals, and were living in my head.
On one fateful walk with my Genius, he said to me after (I mentioned I had been finding other stories of people in the throws of troubled marriages, affairs and divorce) “Isn’t it comforting to know that other people are going through this?”
“No, actually. It feels like shit and it feels even shittier for all the other people who have to go through this shit.”
I knew it would be rough. When people would ask me “how are you doing?” I knew they didn’t really want to know the truth, particularly on a bad day. My stock answer became “well I have good days and bad days, and my goal is to get to the point where I’m having more good days than bad”
It doesn’t matter how far along you are in this process. You’ll have the bad days. Who knows that the trigger will be… a holiday you didn’t expect to be alone, hearing your ex is doing something you don’t agree with (like going to Mexico without telling you or your son). But you also have to know the number of bad days will decrease, the number of good days will increase… and you’ll get there.
Thanks for sharing.
“I have
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your experience. I find that humor helps when answering thoughtful questions from friends and family. An honest, yet not woe-is-me response is an important part of owning what is going on and healing. I’m amazed by the engaged interaction I receive when I provide a candid response to the inevitable “How are you?” The encounter usually ends in laughter and I feel a little lighter.
I’d wipe out the Genius if he ever took our children to Mexico without my consent. Even he is not so Genius as to do that. Wow.
Here’s to every day, good, bad or perfectly centered.
Love yourself,
Cleo