Today is a big day. My family (I’ve lost count on the number that makes up this tribe.) is throwing our beloved, fabulous, super-fantastic, loving, supportive, sports-mad, hilarious and beautiful Mom a surprise birthday party to celebrate her 89th year on the planet. I’m so grateful to have her and to be able to be with her for this most deserved celebration.
She leads by example. She loves without reservation. She aches for those who suffer, she cheers for those who persevere, she is the most giving person I know.
While in the air making my way East I had a feeling that this trip would clear out some internal fog. Something hasn’t been right lately. Hela Goddess – you all remember her, right? – sent me a note to check in. She’s been swamped doing whatever it is that physicists do. In her note she said something to the affect of, You seem off, Cleo.
She’s right. Something’s off.
While I swam laps today I scratched the surface. Because it’s not about The Genius, I know this is just the tip of what needs to be uncovered, but it’s a start. While I have forgiven him for his affair (a healthy and selfish move to free myself), I have not forgiven him for how he has treated me since its discovery. The most recent burst of anger was appalling.
My mind has reverted back to running one-sided conversations that accomplish nothing. My sense of humor has taken a hit, and I am not making time for nature.
That tells me I am afraid of what I will hear, see, feel if I am out on the earth for hours, alone.
I’ve been so serious with the excavation process. It’s time to lighten up. To relax. To allow myself to be a little less drill master and a little more organic.
Most of all, I have to let go of the need to be perfect now, and the belief that I will never be as perfect as I should be.
I’m going to just be me.
Off to prep for the big reveal! Thank you for being here for me as I bob and weave. You are all so very loved.
Cleo
Perfect by who’s measure? Cleo, you are a perfect you. Don’t ever forget that. As for TG’s anger, what do you suppose he says to himself to give himself permission to treat someone he has wronged so greviously that way? I am in awe of you, that you make an effort to control your anger in the face of his. I would not be so polite. I’d give it back in spades, and then some. Doesn’t he think of the Dudes? Whether they witness it or not, he is showing a lack of respect for his children by attacking the most important person in their lives. The shame would kill me but then again, I have character and a conscience. As do you. I’ve been reading other blogs by cheaters, the cheated-on, even a couple by the other woman (blah! Don’t get me started on their selfishness), and I find it absolutely astonishing what people do to each other. Let alone what my husband did to me. And I’ve come to this conclusion: everyone says the word “love”, but it doesn’t mean the same thing to all people. And this is why: some people FEEL it, while other people THINK it. And for those that just think it, love doesn’t have the effect of stopping them from doing dirty, underhanded things to those they “love”. And it stops them from feeling remorse when they engage in that behavior. I have a friend who is thinking about getting married and I told her to ask her boyfriend what the word “love” means to him. I told her to listen very carefully with her head and leave her heart out of it. Told her it could save her from a lifetime of heartache.
S,
Thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts with us. So very potent. I do not feel perfect. A work-in-progress, yes. I was born at the perfect time. Each of us is alive at the most perfect moment, when the stars shine, the air is breathable, the sun at just the right distance. This will all change. Life as we know it will no longer exist. But now – The stars are perfect. The air is perfect. The sun is perfect.
But I’m not? Lovable, yes. I try really hard, yes. I’m a really good person, yes. I have a huge capacity for love.
Do you know why I don’t think I’m perfect? Because I don’t have a perfect body.
Wow. I’m crying right now. I don’t have a perfect body. I will never have a perfect body. I know that. But sometimes I’m okay with it and sometimes the thought derails me. Well that’s not really loving of me, is it? Maybe that’s why I have such a drive to climb Mt. Everest – to prove that my body is perfect enough to scale the tallest mountain, to live where no human body ought to be able to live.
I can go no further on that one at the moment. It’s going to require a massive hike. But this I can say – The Genius rejected my body. That wound has not healed. Not at all. Rejection comes up again in the comments on this post. I’m not one to ignore the signs.
Whew. Breathe.
And then you say, LOVE. TG never loved me. And now he hates me. The love I have for myself needs to transform that hate. Your advice to your friend is MAGIC! That’s what I mean about a prenuptial agreement. No yes or no questions, but What does love mean to you?
How evolved is the person to whom I am committing my heart?
S, thank you so much. So much to ponder. I am so grateful. It hurts, I’m not really stoked to be crying right now, and all I want to do is hike but I didn’t bring my shoes and I don’t have time – but I am so very grateful. I know that makes sense to all of you. Right?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just had to comment on this one (not the post, rather your comment above). The fact that TG rejected you /your body is clearly a reflection on him, not you, C.
Not to make this all about the superficial (because it shouldn’t matter what you look like), but for the benefit of those who have not yet met Cleo in real life — she is stunning. Tall, beautiful and a rocking body that most 30 year olds would be envious of.
Forget that though. A man who tells you he loves you and then makes you feel …less than, through his actions, words, his rejection of your body; that man is a failure and a fraud. He let YOU down C.
And know this, he likely couldn’t be with you (touch you, be affectionate) because he felt such immense guilt.
He owns that rejection. You don’t own it. What he rejected, other men would jump at.
Let it go.
hugs from the desert,
nancy
N,
You are so kind. What a treat to reflect back on our chance meeting on the top of Tam. Fast forward to today and I have gained the Bolinas 10. 10 pounds of weight is not much to lift at the gym, but on my body it is soul crushing. When I met The Genius I was in good shape. Then, I left my passions in the dust and settled in to a an existence that I never wanted and did nothing positive for me – heavy on the happy hours and heavy meals. I am so grateful to not have that as part of my life anymore, although I still enjoy live music and the fun of a social time indulging the senses. It’s just not my default. Not my go-to.
Priorities. I’ve lost two hours most days since my move to Bo. That means I must shift my priorities and be much more efficient. I’ll peel this weight off in no time and see those cut abs again.
Tonight and this weekend I am going to spend time loving myself, honoring my body, cherishing the gift of my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my hands to touch, my heart to love. Monday I will hit Mt. Tam for the first time since moving to Bo. I will do the 18 miler with a massive smile from head to toe. My Mom has been urging me to get on the mountain, to bond now that I am in her shadow. She is so right. There will be yet another big shift. And many moments honoring all of you who have been so selfless in your love and support of me and each other.
Eternally grateful,
Love yourself,
Cleo
All very true Stephanie!
A wise counselor once told me “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference”. What does his hate say? I believe it’s meant for himself but directed at you. He could sure use some emotional growth, for himself and his children.
you did seem off… maybe it was all that talk about prenups. what you were probably trying to work through was rejection. a prenup is a preemptive rejection, in case your spouse rejects you in the future. just remember that the universe will not reject you no matter what.
N,
Thank you! Brilliant! I need to spend time pondering rejection. Not present rejection, but past rejection. I don’t sense it’s the rejection by TG five years ago, but further back. Definitely the first time he rejected me, and the verbal rejections. But also rejections pre-TG. That girl I set free way back on Mt. Burdell so many months ago is back.
My first reaction is a deep sigh and, When is this going to end? But after I get my endorphins going again (the only workout I have done here is a 20 minute swim in a too small indoor pool) I’m sure I will unravel this.
My idea of prenup is not about protecting against future rejection but rather a process through which healthy boundaries are created as individuals and as a couple. I suppose in a way it’s about preventing rejection by determining in a settled and centered environment whether or not each person understands the boundaries and needs of the other and can commit to uphold them. Of course, anyone can bail on that commitment, but going through the process, I believe, increases one’s self-esteem, and leaves both people feeling more confident about what is essential to them in the partnership of marriage.
I want to seem ON. I can think of a few ways to make that happen.
Thank you for being here, N. And for taking the time to comment. You’ve given me something valuable to ponder.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are perfectly you. That’s as perfect as you should be. (That must be from a children’s show but I’m too lazy to google it.)
You would think that when the cheater is cheating that’s as bad as it gets. But with me, it seems like my cheater is even more of an ass now that I know. The excuses, the blaming, the insults, all coming from him (although I have called him a piece of s*&t 6,457 times).http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/
Have a wonderful time with your family and happy birthday to your mom! My mom is a borderline saint, thank God for amazing parents.
Godspeed.
K,
Thank you, K. God speed this whole freaking ordeal. I’m tuckered out.
I am enjoying my time with my family and friends. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I’m grateful that save for a few conversations about the most recent experience I’ve had with TG, they have no interest in a trip down memory lane. I’m not a gossipy sort. It’s too draining. I’d rather talk about fishing and hockey.
The rest of this healing process is up to me. I’ve got some mountain climbing to do. I need an 8 hour burn up a vertical wall to shake loose some winter dust. Then I feel I will be able to identify a few areas that have needed attention for some time. Areas that have been overlooked in this crisis.
We’re getting there, K. It’s no mad dash. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was glad to see this post. It is commendable that you are working so hard to learn from this experience but you do need to be forgiving of yourself. I’ve been concerned that your determination to excavate was getting in the way of living.
As for TG’s anger,
You know there is nothing you can do to change or alter it. Once they throw us away, we become the enemy. We are in the way of the life they thought they were going to have. Your mere existence is a constant reminder of his failure as a husband. My best friend uses a phrase to describe interactions that I really like. People are either above the line or below the line. Grown-ups know how to stay above the line when they are in difficult interactions. Non-grown-ups are almost always below the line and try to drag the other down with them. When you read The Dance of Anger, you will also learn that what he is doing is trying desperately to make you behave the way he is used to. When one person stops dancing the dance, the other will escalate negative behavior to get them to dance the same way again. The good news is you are dancing to a whole different song now.
I called my ex last week, the first time in two years. He was hired for a new job – one that he had wanted years ago when we were together. One I encouraged him to strive for and believed he could always get. A dream I supported in part by leaving my career path — for him — for our family. I called to tell him that I was happy for him – for his accomplishment – because in thinking about it, I was. I expected voicemail. He answered. I got choked up. I wish I hadn’t. He suggested we meet to talk. I turned the offer down until later in the week and while he said he’d make time, he never contacted me.
I forgave him for his affair shortly after he engaged in it – when I thought it was over – but later learned it never was. But as I thought about meeting him to talk, I couldn’t resolve that I still can’t forgive all the harsh words, name calling, personal degradations, and verbal aggression that I have had to withstand during the past two years.
I hope one day I can, but for now I just try to be good to myself and forgive myself for making the mistake in believing he was a better man than he really is.
Be good to you – and know you are perfect just the way you are.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Many interesting views on forgiveness being shared this week. I wonder…if forgiveness is to be fully realized (I’m struggling with how to say this.), does the one forgiven have to then fully atone for the betrayal, as if running a relay race? I hand off the baton of forgiveness to TG and he then thoroughly goes through the process of exploring his behavior, spending time with his betrayal without pointing fingers (because there is no one to blame for his affairs or any justification for them AT ALL, as there never is justification for adultery), taking full responsibility for his lies and betrayal, resentment and anger. Ultimately cleansing himself before crossing the finish line.
Is it only then that we are both fully relieved of the heaviness of this experience? Is forgiveness a partnership?
I’m having to work ultra hard these past several days to remain joyful. The pain of his words, words that I never thought I would hear from my worst enemy, stung. Just made me so sad. I may not have been the wife he wanted, but I did nothing to deserve those words.
I’m taking your guidance – for now I can be good to me with gentle breaths and staying in the moment. When I return to west Marin I’m going back to the mountain. It’s been too long. Thank you for inspiring me. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Many interesting views on forgiveness being shared this week. I wonder…if forgiveness is to be fully realized (I’m struggling with how to say this.), does the one forgiven have to then fully atone for the betrayal, as if running a relay race? I hand off the baton of forgiveness to TG and he then thoroughly goes through the process of exploring his behavior, spending time with his betrayal without pointing fingers (because there is no one to blame for his affairs or any justification for them AT ALL, as there never is justification for adultery), taking full responsibility for his lies and betrayal, resentment and anger. Ultimately cleansing himself before crossing the finish line.
Is it only then that we are both fully relieved of the heaviness of this experience? Is forgiveness a partnership?
I’m having to work ultra hard these past several days to remain joyful. The pain of his words, words that I never thought I would hear from my worst enemy, stung. Just made me so sad. I may not have been the wife he wanted, but I did nothing to deserve those words.
I’m taking your guidance – for now I can be good to me with gentle breaths and staying in the moment. When I return to west Marin I’m going back to the mountain. It’s been too long. Thank you for inspiring me. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I know you wrote this several months ago and you are probably in a different place now, but your pain is speaking to me and I do have an answer for your question about forgiveness.
There are two healthy ways to forgive according to How Can I Forgive You? One is a joint effort, the other is a solo effort when the perpetrator cannot or will not participate in the healing. Both are equally cathartic for the hurt party.
You are so strong Cleo. The hurt is going to overtake you sometimes, but that’s OK. You are surrounded by love and people who truly understand your journey.
D,
Yes, I did write it several months ago, but I’m sure we’ll all agree that it’s a short hop, skip and a jump to go back to those days and experience those feelings. Gratefully, I can do so today without being engulfed by my emotions and led around the block by them.
Sometimes I feel weak, and then I remember that that is a state of mind. As you read on, D, you will come to know how I feel about the mind. I won’t spoil it for you.
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just found your blog – I feel like you are living in CA and writing for me. Found out about my husband’s four year affair about the same time you did, except I made the huge mistake of trying to trust again. Three years later, we are finally divorcing – and he was blown away that I would file because, like, who WOULDN’T want to be married to him? Just hoping I can make it right now – my beautiful family is self-imploding from the damage. Your comment about trusting myself is giving me strength to make it through the day.
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m grateful you found HGM. I do live in Cali, and I AM writing this for you, for us.
At the time I first found out about TG’s 1 year affair (it was upgraded thereafter to 4) I read the success stories about how infidelity can make a marriage stronger. Yes, it’s been known to happen. Which gives one hope and desire, especially when children are involved. I feel guilt for not being able to keep my family together. And for some time I felt dirty for wanting to try. Now I am working on letting go of those feelings. My children will undoubtedly look upon this time in their lives with great sadness. I can’t erase that and have to release the sadness that wells up in me as a result of not being able to keep the family together.
Sadly, the choice to cheat unnecessarily complicates divorce, adding layers of heartache, anger and resentment. That choice was not made by you or me. But it involves the entire family. We will find a way to create joy, acknowledge the sadness and pain, and raise resilient, independent and grounded children. That’s our most important mission, next to loving ourselves.
Stay close, S. We’l pull off this herculean task together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
The ebb and flow of your feelings are normal, Cleo. Time does help heal some of the pain, but it truly is finding the right balance and the right tempo, at your own pace. You are a positive person with superb family and friends, so don’t lose sight of that. I’ve told myself many times that I’m passed the stage of feeling like a loser after my divorce was finalized a year ago, but there are still moments that trigger that vulnerabiliy and sense of loss. I would get stronger, just like you have. Being able to acknowledge our feelings deep inside and let them out is part of the healing process. So I salute you and to all other kittens who have the courage to not divorces completely derail us. The one consolation that I always rely on is to remember how lucky I am compared to some of the most disadvantaged, impoverished people in other parts of the world. Enjoy your spring out east!
O,
First, let me congratulate you on your Kentucky Derby victory. Your legs are astonishing. And those nostrils!
(No matter how heavy, muck-ish and sad this whole divorce experience gets I will never, ever lose my sense of humor.)
Your comment arrives just as I pour forth tears. I feel a great loss. Being surrounded by the tides, I am destined to learn the lessons of ebb and flow. In addition to reminding myself that my blessings are bountiful, I also remind myself that times of great sadness prepare me to embrace great happiness without getting caught up in all that glitters. Without getting all blinded by the shiny.
All emotion is beautiful. Even sadness. I’m grateful for all that I feel.
Thank you, O, for taking the time to comment and for your words of comfort and support for all of us. Stay close.
Loved yourself,
Cleo
“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
Kahlil Gibran
M,
Beautiful. Thank you.
Better that sleeping under my bed than some arachnid.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Love Yourself…you have always left us kittens with that sign off. Every time without exception it resonates. I have been busy my dear friend, living and loving myself and in no short measure thanks to your inspiration (and by extension your Mom’s). We are not perfect, we are flawed, fallible individuals…and to me, there in lies the beauty. See…I contemplated, and I mean seriously contemplated what it means to love yourself. I then read copious books and meditated in my quiet time until it clicked.
It’s subjective, but for me it was finally accepting that my ex’s behaviour and all the words of rejection and judgement, the actions of deceit and betrayal are who HE is…they are not a reflection of who I am. I had every right to be angry at someone for treating me as he did. I accepted the anger, let it do it’s thing, acted upon it where appropriate and without judging myself, then let it go. Loving myself meant I needed to fully embrace myself flaws and all, not to define myself by my ex’s hurtful rejection. I am worthy and deserving of love. Squidgy tummy and all. So are you.
You are exactly where you are meant to be. This life lesson is teaching you more about loving yourself and nurturing your soul, if you didn’t have the pain and emotional turmoil…you wouldn’t grow from this experience. TG, his misguided anger, his hate…your kittens are right, this is him rallying against who he is. He isnt growing from this experience and you, are an easy target.
The messy financial challenges and readjustment are part of the territory, it’s an unfortunate side effect. Your saving grace is your amazing tribe. You are safe and protected.
It’s a spiritual as well as scientific concept…what you focus on you attract. Resonance can be a bitch. Fear based emotions etc can cause a frenetic life. Moving past the fear is not easy, it takes trust and letting go. You need to absolutely trust that the Universe is sorting it all out for your betterment. External circumstances may look dire…trust that no matter what it looks like, it’s about to get better. It’s the most difficult spiritual lesson I have ever had to learn…but it has never failed me.
You are getting there C, perfectly…just remember to breathe and…love yourself
Love to mom and wish her a wonderful glorious birthday.
Love and light
MLP
H,
Every word, perfection. Worth reading over and over.
What you focus on you attract. You create that which you fear. Being grounded, firmly rooted in the earth, helps me to be present enough to attract what I need and to release fear.
I need to be on a mountain. Couldn’t be any clearer. I MUST get on a mountain.
Thank you, H. For being here even when you are all the way over there. And for being so graceful with your guidance. I have truly missed you.
Love yourself (and I promise to do the same),
Cleo
My heart aches for you and for all of us. This is intense and heavy stuff we are going through, not fun. But you have such an amazing outlook and all the support in the world and you will be better than okay. So many happy days to come.
Can you elaborate some more on “forgiveness” at some point? I am a year from the great reveal and though I have made huge progress towards letting go, forgiveness seems an elusive goal. I know it has to be done at some point (for me) but I am not sure how I get there. And feeling universal love towards his HDC? Forget it! And that’s not to say I walk the world enraged and bitter, I really don’t. But when I think about my Genius and his HDC I don’t feel anything close to forgiving. Is forgiveness something I’ll just wake up and feel when the time is right?
M,
In that aching heart is beauty, as Kahlil Gibran so perfectly states. I’m reminding myself that when sadness comes it isn’t to be labeled good or bad but a benefit of being human. I would rather not be a robot. Although they always have a flat stomach.
I will elaborate on forgiveness. Like everything in life, it’s not linear. But after pondering your comment, it seems that there is a way to forgive and to experience the joy of universal love.
But maybe I’m just being naive.
I’ll be writing in the plane tomorrow (Thursday) and will post before landing. It’s so wonderful to be with my family. But as my departure day nears, I can hear the waves and I miss them. And my dudes. Those little morsels – I miss them so much.
Thank you for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My dear Cleo,
I hope you are having a spectacular time celebrating your phenomenal mother. Kudos to her for raising such a strong woman who is committed to being the best she can be and helping the world around her.
As a fiery redhead myself, I understand our fierce natures can often be our undoing. It has taken (is taking) me years to develop patience — mostly for myself but also in my interactions with others. Anger is such a super-charged instant emotion that most of us can’t help but react at a visceral level. I offer you this… consider when your dudes were very little and they would have a white hot tantrum – I’m sure part of you could/would detach and think, “ok, what’s up — is he hungry, tired, lonely?” and you could recognize the need rather than become caught up in the delivery. I am willing to bet money that TG is directing so much bile and anger your way because he is deeply angry and disappointed in himself. This is a man who promised YOUR MOTHER he would love and honor you. He committed to having children with you. He has broken some of the key covenants he CHOSE to make. I know you do not want/need to understand his motivations but I think if you can detach a bit from his anger and realize much of it is NOT truly directed at you (although I doubt he has enough self-awareness to see this), maybe it will hurt a fraction less.
As to your rockin’ bod — cause it is rockin — it has climbed mountains, swum in the Bay and delivered two sparkling souls into this world. It is perfect and strong.
Love to you!
K,
THank you for your words of guidance. They are brimming with wisdom.
Choice. The power of choice. Freedom to choose. No one makes my choices for me. If I allow that to happen, that, too, is a choice I make.
I choose to be responsible for my emotions, actions, moods and choices. (This is big…man, I hope I can weave this into my fiber beginning now!) Along with the responsibility, I must also accept the consequences. So, as I make choices, I am going to ask myself, Are you comfortable with the consequences of your choices? Is this the right choice? Not just the feel good choice but the right choice?
I remember walking on the fire on top of that mountain in Virginia and hearing Melissa say, Don’t rush, consciously place your feet on the (red hot) embers. Somewhere along the way since my move to Bolinas I have begun rushing. I’ve lost my way. I am happy. But beneath the surface is anxiety. I am choosing to allow the emotions of another to affect me. There’s no pointing fingers there. But I’m not comfortable with the consequences – anxiety, tension, fear.
So I am choosing to not allow the emotions of TG affect me. They exist. They aren’t mine. This may sound like I’m trying to be funny, but it’s a good way for me to look at this: I’m a little busy to take on those emotions. He has someone else for that now.
Wow! I just figured out why I do it! As a wife I felt it was my responsibility. I’M NOT A WIFE ANYMORE!!!!!!
Oh, K! Thank you!!!!!! Thank you so much. You have made my day. I am so grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I must chime in again. After reading all of these replies from the articulate, intelligent, BEAUTIFUL women, I just had to. I know all the sayings about forgiveness – how it frees you, how not forgiving keeps you stuck, etc. – but here is how I feel about forgiveness with respect to my husband. What he to me is unforgivable, therefore, I will never forgive him. I just can’t. I’ve looked at it from so many angles, read everything about it, and I am just exhausted. And we are still married. But what I’ve come to understand is there is no way to properly balance the scales. Maybe I’m not evolved enough, but I’m sick to death of trying to forgive something so repugnant. Does that mean I have to divorce my husband? I don’t think so. For the first time we have an honest relationship. After 21 years, I finally really know him. He doesn’t deserve me, but my son deserves a stable life. The person I am working like mad to forgive is me. For always putting myself down, for hating myself for not being able to create a better marriage (can’t be done alone!), for not being able to make my self-involved husband to be a better father, for everything I ever blamed myself for that was not my fault. As for affairs making a marriage better? That is total bullshit. That is just someone trying to justify staying married. I’m staying married, for many of my own reasons, but I don’t need to justify it. Cleo, you have every right to feel the way you do about The Genius. He created a tsunami in your life, and you were not consulted about it. It’s the height of selfishness. Does someone that selfish deserve forgiveness?? Forget that he is the father of your boys. He made you have to make these huge changes in your life, some good some bad, but does someone who thinks they have the right to do that to another person deserve forgiveness? Nope. It breaks my heart to know you are crying, wish I could be there to give you a hug. Maybe it’s because you are with family that you feel the brave face isn’t needed. That’s a good thing. Being able to set down your load for a minute is so restorative. Enjoy those who know you well and love you so much!
S,
I am so grateful for your honesty. And for pondering these most important questions, looking for answers, stating your opinions even though they may not be popular or condoned by those in your inner circle. You, S, are brave. Willing to be vulnerable. To dig and admit that you don’t know the right way to shovel out that dirt, but you’re going to shovel anyway.
What I ponder is, How is your marriage affected by not forgiving an affair? Does it only prolong the inevitable – divorce? I haven’t thought about this before. How would one love someone, remain married to them, yet be unable to forgive them for adultery? I am in awe of anyone that chooses to work through infidelity. In my marriage that would have not worked.
I would step back from trying to forgive your husband. There are other steps to be taken before forgiveness can happen. I don’t know your situation in detail, so I can only comment from afar. But here goes:
Does someone that selfish deserve to have you keeping the status quo alive in order to protect your son? Will your son respect your decision to put your self-worth, self-esteem and self-love on the back burner to protect him? Or will he only feel obligated to never leave you because of all you sacrificed for him? Will he be better served by witnessing you taking bold but loving steps to honor yourself (not fulfill you wonton desires, but honor your self)? When you think of divorcing your husband, what makes you fearful? Why do you feel it is your obligation to make your husband a better father? Because you chose him as a mate and he didn’t measure up which is a reflection on your choice?
S, I ask these questions because we’ve known each other long enough for you to know my intentions. (I don’t ‘know’ S, but as with all of you, we’ve been through so much together I feel as if I know her and that my intentions are understood as caring, my questions are asked with love.) We can all learn from your answers.
My gut says that without being able to forgive your husband, which would then open up the opportunity to develop trust and (this one is HUGE!) respect, you will be challenged in numerous ways over the coming years.
This is a potent discussion. Let’s keep it going. Thank you, S. I adore you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Stephanie, Cleo
I raise my hand in the class…I always have something to say!! I hope you can all (kittens & C) bear with me, I apologise for the interjection…I would only like to offer a response in relation to C’s question about the potential for your son to either respect your choices or feel a sense of duty toward you in the future.
My dad had an affair. My mother chose to stay for her own reasons but mostly for us kids. I have the unenviable experience that allows me to provide insight on how my moms choice to stay affected my feelings toward her as I grew up.
At the height of the affair I was 16 and a typical teenage girl. Attitude and opinion were on form. My brothers and I knew what was going on, even my baby brother at 6 was affected. I protected them as best I could through the fallout at home, often telling my mom to leave my dad. On one particularly nasty occasion I called her a coward for not walking away from the man, it is the only time (rightly so) she has ever slapped me. I stood by my mom none the less and eventually the affair ended.
My parents never dealt with the affair, it’s causes etc…they just moved on in a cloud of denial. It lingered though, the affects on us. A few years ago mom apologised to me for staying with him, saying if she had left then we children would not have the emotional scars we carry. I was shocked by her admission. For the first time ever, I let my mom know how sorry and how wrong I was to have called her a coward. Now an adult myself, I could fully appreciate her sacrifice for her children and what it cost her. I let my mother know that despite the pain and the scars her children learnt the grace of forgiveness. We learnt the strength in fortitude and we were truly in awe of her strength of character.
It takes enormous courage to stay in a marriage with a man who betrays all the good you believed in him. My mother is no coward, she is the bravest woman I know. You would never know this meeting her. She is so unassuming, yet she is a warrior. She needed to hear me tell her these things so she could finally forgive herself for staying.
A woman who worked part time, in a country that did not have beneficial divorce criteria meant my mom chose to put her kids through the lesser evil. Whether she had left or stayed, there was going to be pain. She chose the best option she could for her babies and put herself last. There are no words beautiful enough to describe the way I feel about my mother and who she is as a person.
I feel no obligation to the love I have for my mother, only a fierce loyalty and respect. How you handle yourself and your anger toward his father will affect how your son eventually views you. I do not know how old your little one is, rest assured though it is not your responsibility to coach your husband to be a better father. My mom never did. She focused her energy on stabilising us and her relationship with us. At some point my dad meshed with that relationship, no conflict just a subtle slide into a healthy emotionally stable unit that didn’t need him. He needed us.
Forgiveness, mom admits she took a very long time on this one but ultimately she figured she was tired. Tired of feeling inwardly angry with the occasional outward hint of venom toward dad. She wanted more for herself and decided (just like that!!) one day to let it go, her disappointment, her bitterness gone. She says it freed her, she felt lighter, happier and it allowed her to live a life on her terms. To quote, “I took my power back”.
Ultimately it’s all subjective. Our experiences are just that…ours. What I can say from the daughter of a warrior in your shoes Stephanie, is that if you are true to who you are through this. If you manage it with grace and dignity. You will reap what you sow.
I see my parents this week for the first time in almost a year, they live half a world away from me now and I miss them painfully. I love and respect them both, but I am so incredibly proud to be my mothers daughter.
I wish you well S
MLP
xx
M,
This is why I hope you don’t venture far for too long. Just beautiful. S will be so appreciative. I hope your Mom gets to read your words. And that your trip there is pure magic.
May all your atoms bounce. (My physics humor is lacking.)
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to share your wisdom and love,
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dearest MLP,
I have no words. What you have written – I am just in awe. The fact that you took time from your own day to communicate your words of wisdom to me is humbling. You are the crystal ball I’ve been seeking, trying to decide what all of this will mean to my sweet son in the future. My boy is 11-years-old. An only-child. We were moving to a new community and he was starting a new school. All this was in the works when my husband’s AP’s husband pulled into my driveway to drop this bomb last spring. it was all sch a mess, I just felt I couldn’t make that decision until his life was more settled.
Cleo always says you draw what you need into your life. And today? I really needed your voice. Thank you so much for shedding light for me. You and your mother have my deepest respect.
xoxoxo
Talk about honest and vulnerability. So beautiful. All of it.
As always, Cleo, you bring such important questions to the fore. You are right – I’m trying to push the forgiveness into being, without doing the work to get there. I’m just so exhausted and beaten down with this struggle I feel like Vyjack in the Kentucky Derby – at the back of the pack, covered in mud, bone-tired, and in pain from being (emotionally) whipped.
So much of this is about my son. I feel that I’ve lived my life and now I’m responsible for his well-being. I can’t let go of the crushing guilt I have that this has happened in his life. And I truly don’t know what is best for him. I do understand what you are saying about modeling self-respect for him. I don’t want him growing into a man who thinks women are less-than.
My husband is trying his best (I think) to be a better husband and father and is making great strides. But what I have found is there is still such a huge discrepancy between what he and I think “healing” means. To him, it’s all about different behavior. To me it is about different feelings. I think there is a disconnect between his brain and his heart. And what breaks my heart is that I’m beginning to believe there is no fixing that. I don’t think fear is keeping me from leaving him, but I’m really not sure what it is. It’s not fear of being alone – I was throughout most of my marriage and I can take care of myself. I suppose that is the million dollar question. I’d better get back into therapy to work through that one.
Finally, I just think I’m not capable of forgiveness because I’m incapable of lying to myself. What he did was despicable, unforgivable. I know what he believes his “reasons” are, I intellectually understand what happened in his mind – but that doesn’t make it right. And all this crap about people making mistakes is just that – crap. Locking your keys in your car is a mistake. Lying and cheating and betraying are all choices. Choices made knowingly. I guess the one question I need to answer is this: Why am I accepting this? Why do I feel, on some level, that I deserve this?
I’m at a loss.
Thank you, Cleo, for caring enough to ask the tough questions. I’m lucky you are out there.
S,
Just as I started to reply I heard Melissa say, Take pen to paper. What she means is to go to a quiet space, spend a good amount of time breathing in and out deeply, looking inside with your eyes, clearing out your brain, opening your heart and then ask the questions. One by one. Your pen will do the writing. Don’t control in any way what you are writing. Just let it flow. And flow.
Write it out, S. You may feel as if you are at a loss, but you are exactly where you need to be – in full on question mode. Don’t fear this. Work WITH it. It is at this point that big epiphanies happen. When you are stripped down.
Not that I have anything against therapy, but try and do this on your own. This helps to build your relationship with yourself. You may feel stuck now, but everything is temporary.
Oh, those words from my little physicist! She’s divine. Such gorgeous guidance. I’m so grateful to have you both here. One day we will embrace, S, (and you, too, MLP) and hold on to our tiaras as we laugh to the sky.
…I really have to get a tiara.
Stay close,
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love this suggestion, Cleo. I do write, I’ve written throughout this whole debacle. When I read what I’ve written, it just illustrates how confusing this whole thing has been. I love your suggestion and guess what? I was shopping the other day and bought a brand new journal. like I was preparing for this discourse. I’m going to do it. I’ll make a date with myself and be sure that I keep it – everyday. I would love to stand on Stinson beach with you and M, tiaras sparkling in the sun, with our laughter drowning out the surf!! Can I have a scepter, Fairy Godblogger??
S,
A scepter encrusted with sea shells and mermaid scales and drops of sea water, for you m’lady.
Fairy Godblogger…oh, how I love that. I’m honored. Forever here for all of you. There is no place I would rather be.
I’m so grateful. Moved to tears at 36,000 feet. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Words can not express how much your website, your humor, your honesty, and your journey has meant to me. For weeks, I thought I was the “only one” going through the betrayal, abandonment, and loneliness of being left after literally one day hearing the words “I am not happy. You are not happy. Let’s get a divorce”. I had no idea that we were THAT unhappy, nor that we would just “get a divorce” without even attempting to fix anything. I never imagined after 20 years of marriage that I would be thrown out, replaced, and never missed so easily. Then I found out about his HDC.
When you get married, you don’t plan for divorce. You don’t think about it. I drank the koolaid. I wanted to get married, have kids, have a career, and someone to grow old with in a rocking chair on the front porch.
You put into words so many of the things I think, but can’t seem to articulate. You are so fortunate to have the time to think! I just started working full time (after being a stay at home mom for 16 years), when I was told about our “unhappiness”. I now have three kids (Smarty, Cutie, and Pumpkin), a house, financial issues, trying to graduate from high school issues, and TH is MIA 99% of the time. He doesn’t even do his “legal” weekends, as he is “too busy” with his “new life”. Sigh.
I read your words, and take them to heart. I spent the first weekend away (in 2 months) with my girl friends, but more importantly, by myself. I wrote until my hand hurt, I went for walks, I yelled, screamed, and otherwise “discussed” with God my situation. Hoping for some clarity, some vision, some idea of how to work my way into a more peaceful, grounded, and balanced life. Small steps.
Thank you for your words and your courage. Please keep writing.
E,
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. I am so grateful you found HGM. I promise to never stop writing. I also promise to wake up my dormant sense of humor! Thank you for being a catalyst for that – it’s so very needed.
Your blindside reminds me of the anniversary card TG gave to me in 2011, year four of his affair. You are my angel, I’m so very blessed to have you in my life, so excited for our adventure, goodbye snow!…I love you. And my favorite line: You bring out the best in me. (God bless me had I brought out the worst.)
We can drive ourselves batty by trying to understand the actions of another, especially when those actions are in such contrast to what we are being sold. E, I don’t know about you, but I can’t do it anymore. The slow creep of trying to understand how and why he had an affair instead of asking for a divorce has taken its toll. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t chose to have an affair. It’s not my burden. I am responsible for how I respond. I want the one-sided conversations in my head to stop. I will never know why he valued me so little while he told me he loved me so much.
Your husband will make his choices and live with the consequences. It’s freeing to realize that we don’t have to deliver those consequences. It’s not our job. But, as betrayed spouses who are now (soon to be) divorced, with children who are in the thick of it with us, we must be loving to ourselves. Kind and gentle. Encourage laughter. Spontaneous celebrations of life. Our children will one day thank us. We will set the right example.
Thank you for being here. Your words prompted me to let mine flow. I feel so much better now. Thank you. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: Ponder on your feet. My job is my writing, so in that sense I am ultra fortunate to have time to think. But I do so much thinking/pondering/observing/feeling while I am out and about. I watch myself as I interact with the world. Our jobs are opportunities to create magic in life. They aren’t to be life suckers, but Life Lab. Each encounter, no matter where or with whom is a gift. A chance for magic. Create that at E Inc. I will write more about that soon. LY
Hi Cleo, love yourself indeed, such a simple statement but easier to do at times! Like yourself, I turned to blogging when I found out my husband was cheating as a way of trying to heal. I only came across your blog now. As I come from an Asian and Muslim background, there were a lot of cultural issues to deal with! I will be interested to start at the beginning of your blog xx
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am grateful you found HGM. The added layer of merging cultures, in addition to the complications of a marriage, is a hefty challenge. My Mom pointed out to me on this last visit that those in our family who have stayed “close to home” when marrying have had success. Yet, we move around the globe now as we used to move around our neighborhood. We can fall in love anywhere and with anyone.
And when we fall in love, we are least willing to take the advice of those who suggest that blending cultures will challenge us even more. Even within the same culture, there are such differences in how we are raised. These differences make marriage even that more challenging. I believe we all agree that marriage is challenging in and of itself.
Unraveling the secret to making a lifelong union a success is fascinating to me. I’m on a mission – for those who want to marry. It’s not for me, but I’d love to help make it work for others.
Stay close, please, L. We can all learn from each other.
Love yourself,
Cleo