I lost it today.
Because I lost the kerchief to the tall dude’s boy scout uniform.
Not having the scout uniform ready for The Genius when he came to pick up the little dude really set him off. I’ll leave it at that because this is not about him. It’s about my reactions and what I learn from how I handle situations. How I handle things is indicative of my emotional, mental and physical well-being.
I did not handle things well today.
Instead of remaining calm and centered, I met anger with anger. I yelled shut-up (a phrase a despise) and a few other choice words that would make my Mom cringe, and then, when not on the phone, I continued to spew. That is not who I am, nor who I want to be.
My core is wound tighter than Princess Leia’s braids. The muscles across my upper back burn with tension. My throat itches with the onset of a cold. I feel depleted, drained. I can’t shake this chill. Not one part of me is relaxed.
No wonder. This is what I wrote in the last post:
I’m officially subdued.
That’s really not the interpretation of ‘ coming into your personal power’ that I envisioned. If this is the extent of my personal power I better get a backup generator, some solar panels and a wind turbine.
Thoughts become things. Not that I have to only write about the shimmery and the magical, but when I wrote that I felt it was all there was to feel.
So when the criticism of my lack of organization rained down upon me I didn’t have my umbrella opened. That criticism was set aflame by anger. I can’t begin to unravel the real reason why there is such anger, which feels like it is directed squarely at me. It’s not my role to understand why, but it is my responsibility to deal with it in a manner that is consistent with my boundaries.
There are two possible 3D reasons for The Genius to be angry at me: he is supporting me financially, and I’m writing this blog. I haven’t turned friends against him, spoken poorly to the children about him, hidden assets, spent lavishly, besieged him with hatred-fueled texts or keyed his car.
I’ll be able to take care of the first one and become self-sufficient. I don’t have any desire to be supported by another person. I need to support myself. I have chosen to do that as a writer and am grateful to have the opportunity. I will not squander it. This blog will continue, and I will create other opportunities to do what I love and be compensated for it. It would be great if I had accomplished that by now, just like it would have been great for me to have had the opportunity to participate in a dissolution of my marriage prior to experiencing betrayal and infidelity, prior to being cheated out of four years of my life.
Let’s call it a wash.
I will work my taut tuchus off to release The Genius of any financial responsibility for me as soon as humanly, and otherwise, possible. My hope, for the sake of the children, is that being free of ever having to spend a nickel on me will result in him taking his anger elsewhere. Away from me, and because there is no way to fully shield it from them, away from the dudes. They deserve a happy and peaceful childhood during which they can learn to work with their emotions the old-fashioned way, the kid way. Not through exposure to adults behaving like children.
That’s a nice 3D solution to what unraveled me today. Oh, if only it were that simple.
Thoughts are energy. Thoughts are powerful. My thinking lately has been toxic. Poisoning my spirit in doses so small as to go undetected, but so effective that I have become restricted by self-doubt; it’s food the words of another.
I’ve been careless with my thoughts. That carelessness creates an environment where making good choices and remaining centered and focused in the midst of upheaval is nearly impossible. So then the flip is true, too. If I’m not careless with my thoughts and they are loving and supportive, I will make conscious choices based on what is best for me and the dudes and can remain centered because my thoughts will not be undermining me, chiseling away at my self-worth. I will create harmony.
As the sun slid behind the hills and the air lost its heat, my thoughts were all about The Genius. I went on a misdirected search to find words to guide me by trying to understand what was fueling his anger. Fortunately, the right words appeared in a powerful article that I won’t link to here because it will only serve to fuel a fire I wish to die out. I’ll figure out some way to get it to you. These words brought the meaning of the Christmas Day frogs hopping right back intoThe 12 Days Of Being Single At Christmas my self-created swamp.
The message in this article was to reclaim one’s personal power. Speak it and mean it: I take back my personal power, my soul.
Get out of my psychic space.
Thoughts become things.
This dust-up over a boy scout kerchief has nothing to do with my organizational skills. I created that situation to highlight the fact that I am not taking responsibility for my own personal power. I am not protecting myself from someone that has caused me harm. I am allowing words from a person I cannot trust to affect how I am living my days, how I am thinking and feeling.
I’ve been writing about it for the past few weeks, but clearly not getting the message. Hence the escalated grab for my attention. Man, I did not like it and don’t want to experience that again. To allow my days to be hijacked by something or someone outside of me is to let myself down. My self has done so much to get me here that I can’t bear to let it down now.
I’ve noticed some signs of aging lately, catching my reflection and seeing smile lines that are beginning to resemble crevasses, and eyes that have lost their sparkle. My hair is drying out, as is the skin around my fingertips. The pores on my face are getting more noticeable.
I am porous. My energy is seeping out because I haven’t reinforced my boundaries. I’ve gotten lazy.
As a kitten and I recently discussed, it would be great to take a day off – not be so focused on excavation, lesson learning and making conscious choices that don’t always feel good but are the right choices to make. But to do so has significant consequences. The first of which is that it is habit forming. One day becomes a month, and so on. During that carefree time, it’s easy to forget that thoughts become things, and people and events can drain our energy which prevents us from responding in ways we can respect upon reflection.
With such little time here on the planet (it is SUCH a little bit of time), it’s risky to waste our time being carefree. We are here to learn. Learning doesn’t always feel good, but it’s unarguably great for us in every sense.
It’s time for me to take a serious refresher course in my boundaries:
I expect of myself that I will be quick to listen and slow to respond,
that I will come from the heart,
that my words will be genuine and true,
that I will not judge people,
that my state of happiness comes from within not ordered out,
that I will not control or manipulate outcomes,
that I will walk slowly and deliberately on my path,
and I will love myself and my journey here on the blue marble with my whole being.
I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in the last several weeks, but I’ve gotten lazy with that which warrants top billing: my boundaries. Those 8 points are the key to creating magic.
I lost my cool today, but I have a choice to allow that lapse to define tomorrow or make the choice to acknowledge that it was a personal failure that doesn’t have to be repeated. Lesson learned.
I won’t be drained anymore because I’m plugging the holes with personal power. My thirst will come from a desire to blossom, not because my well is dry.
You are all so very patient with me as I surge ahead and tumble back. As we’ve said before, this is not a linear journey, but I can make the climb less arduous with consistent training.
Thank you for being my collective coach. Or should I say my Coaching Collective?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Beautiful post, once again. I have one more possible explanation for TG’s anger at you. You remind him of what a complete bastard he has been. The anger he spews at you is really the anger he feels at himself. Though he most likely isn’t even aware of that. When you are not in his orbit, he doesn’t have to think about the destruction he has caused. He doesn’t have to think about the betrayal of his children. During my husband’s affair, he really thought he was a good father because he took my son places when he was in town (travelled constantly for work). He convinced himself he was a good father. A good father (or mother) is someone a child can look up to, model himself after, learn ethics and morals from. Basically, a child is a blank slate on which their parents write. While he was cheating, as he breezed out the door to go to work, and to see his HDC, he would say things to my son like, “Do the right thing”, “Make good choices today”, “Be a leader”. Seriously!?! I so wish I could teleport back to one of those mornings and scream “Hypocrite” in his face! I don’t think it’s about supporting you financially, I don’t think it’s the blog. Me thinks it is because you are a mirror that he just cannot stand to look in. You didn’t create that image – he did. Just make sure that your mirror is always clean and shiny so he can get a really good look!
S,
Thank you, S. You may notice a little something missing. Email me and I’ll explain. TY, LY, OY.
It makes me sad to know that people choose to lie to their families when the truth, while painful, would be so much less destructive. It’s not just the heartache of a betrayed spouse. The children will have to wrestle with understanding morals and values and trying to reconcile that with the behavior of one or both of their parents. It’s so unfair.
Telling the truth, having conversations before having affairs, spares the children not just from a family broken by betrayal, but from having to come to terms with the message of Do the right thing! delivered by one who is doing it all wrong.
Grateful, as always, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s a chapter. That’s all. I read a difficult (between two characters) chapter in the book I am reading and while those characters are fiction the conflict feels real. Then I read your post and I am reading it like a chapter. Just turn the page.
A,
Thank you. Writing it out was the fastest way to metabolize yesterday’s conflict. Sleep and dream time have left me feeling refreshed. My focus is on making the right choices based on my boundaries. Keeping it simple, and very, very conscious. With your support. So grateful for your presence here. Pork roll. One day, pork roll.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s far to easy to fall into the traps they set for us. I’ve learnt to tiptoe through the mine field cautiously.
You are moving along just fine.
Live, laugh and love life
H
Xox
H,
Thank you for the reminder. Live, laugh and love life is my mantra today. Along with Make each choice consciously and for the good of the dudes and me. I choose, therefor make them good choices. Thank you for the support, m’lady. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You have been so patient, so decent, with this jerk. Understood, because he is the father of your children, and it’s obvious that you want them to have a loving relationship with their dad. But sometimes, don’t you just want to haul off and clock him right between the eyes? That would be my response . Good thing I don’t have children. Anyway I have been following your blog for a year and I think you are an amazing woman and you inspire me.
love and hugs
Anne
A,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for letting me know you are out there! We’ve been together for a whole year and only now I get to say, Thank you!
I appreciate most every tussle with The Genius as an opportunity to learn. They often shine a light on something about me that needs work. But they can’t affect the dudes. We really have to get along for them. Somehow.
I wouldn’t clock him. I’d rather be a fly on the wall when the HDC gets her Pocket Call. Grateful to have you here, A.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. The Genius is obviously angry that he is forced to “support” you and has less money to spend on himself and who knows what. He brought that on himself now didn’t he? And, he is paying for it as the laws in our society deem fit. If you did not have so much on your plate right now I’m sure the kerchief would have been easily accessible. TG is trying to make you responsible for his actions in life. And I’m sure he’s angry with you because you don’t respond to his self-importance any longer. He had no right to go off on you for any reason and he shut up. If he doesn’t like the way your organize your child’s stuff he should have duplicates at his house.
Now give yourself a hug.
M,
In this reply ‘M’ is for Mom. That was all Mom. Thank you.
I may be expecting a lot from myself, but I really need to not be upended by interactions with The Genius. For the sake of the dudes and me. But I will hug along the way, and work to prevent these types of situations in the future by being on top of it. I’m not into feeding it.
Thank you, M. I really appreciate having you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Seriously girl, you need to f^&*ing CHILAX ! You’re supposed to be carefree….not be analyzing every little thing
Yes this is a message from the Universe
Xoxo
C,
My most favorite thing about your comment is the first word: Seriously… And then the rest tells me not to be so serious. Love it!
I’m with you on the chill part. But this particular scenario screamed at me. I am so grateful I dove into it and spent some time trying to understand why I created it. Writing it out has relieved me of this unsettled feeling I’ve had for the last few weeks.
The other reason why I analyze the pulp out of nearly everything is to make sure that I am not missing an opportunity to share some insight into infidelity or self-discovery. I receive a lot of emails that are not meant for publication, mainly because the people are too distraught and don’t want their words shared. There are a lot of spouses out there that are shredded from being pulled to and fro by manipulative, guilty, narcissistic jerks, both male and female. Unfortunately, a lot of these spouses are weak inside from years of manipulation. When ever I can express a new way of looking at something or determining why a negative situation keeps coming up, I’m helping them. I can say that because they write and tell me.
So, I analyze for me and for them. But, you know, sometimes I really do sit that and say – Pft, who cares. I need chocolate and peanut butter. And you, C. You will keep me centered. Stay close and rock on.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think partly your anger comes from not being supermom that day and it sucks to be so with an audience esp. TG. He’s probably quick to assign blame to you especially since I think he knows he’s to blame for everything else. I do think it’s important for you to be financially independent from him– not just for him but for your emotional wellbeing. Ultimately I think it’s just a bad day. Just breathe
J,
Big breath. It was, in hindsight, a very good day. Since then I’ve really honed in on coping mechanisms and being able to remind myself in the moment that I have a choice to make. My Observer Self is fully present and fully loved. Thank you for being here, J.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“There are two possible 3D reasons for The Genius to be angry at me: he is supporting me financially, and I’m writing this blog. I haven’t turned friends against him, spoken poorly to the children about him, hidden assets, spent lavishly, besieged him with hatred-fueled texts or keyed his car.” AND – you have not been unfaithful to him. A biggie.
C,
Yes. He would be much happier if he could say, You did it too. It’s hard to step into his shoes to understand what the shame and guilt has done to him. But I can see it in action. It’s messy, to put it lightly. SO grateful I am not part of his world anymore.
Thank you and may your body be strong over these next few weeks – I know you have your work cut out for you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
May i make a suggestion? Why not sit down calmly with TG and ask him exactly what you are asking here. No reason for either of you to be angry over such a mundane issue. Maybe he does have something that is bothering him? It really shouldnt matter to you but wouldnt it be good to know where the problem lies (for the dudes). Isnt that the difference between your conscious, truthful ways and his follow-my-every-whim ways. If its financial you have the solution right there. If its your blog, then its exactly that, Yours. He cannot control it. The discussion may make your life a lil easier. Just a thought
K,
I wish that type of a conversation was possible, but we just can’t seem to make it work. It is a priority for me to make sure I set a good example for the dudes as I make my way through this experience. We’ve remained civil to each other in their presence, but it’s far from being genuinely cordial. I hope we can get to that place.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I found your blog about three weeks ago and through reading your words I have found so much comfort. Thank you for your positive spin on such a heart wrenching reality that so many people unfortunately experience these days. It has been more than 3 years since I discovered my ex’s infidelity (though he later confessed to more), but I still at times have fleeting moments of negative feelings arise. I have found that these moments actually serve to make me stronger and I come out of the negative space more aware because of the self reflection I have done. I don’t like the feelings in the moment (who would?), but afterwards I am thankful for what I gained from the experience. My ex married the woman he cheating on me with and they both need to make me the enemy so that they can focus their negative energy on me instead of face the unhealthy issues in their marriage and the guilt that they feel but do not admit to. Early on I found to difficult to not react to them because I was barely keeping my head above water and trying to heal my broken heart while pretty much having full custody of my daughter. Now I find it easy to ignore them and not engage at all. Though the unhealthy and negative attacks still come my way, I find it empowering to ignore them and any twinge of bad feelings that come up from their attacks almost immediately goes way because I know I will not engage. You are right that having strong boundaries is the key to happiness and a healthy core. Thank you Cleo for your inspirational words and the support you provide to many! You are a very strong, beautiful, caring and capable woman who will no doubt always come out on top!
xo
Mar
M,
Thank you so much for your kind words. You beautifully reinforce the right posture for remaining centered while healing from betrayal.
Just reading your words is like a perfect mantra, a great way to start the day. A recipe for letting go. I’m grateful you took the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your words and imagery, especially the surge ahead and tumble backwards make me think of water ways, and sometimes more specifically a tide coming in. There are points where the water surges back out but never mistake that for a lack of forward momentum. And also, let us not forget the power of water to carve out new places and spaces over time, forming new and wonderful vistas. That is what I see when I read your journey.
M,
Whoa. Gorgeous. “There are points where the water surges back out but never mistake that for a lack of forward momentum.” It’s just heading out to calmer seas to gather steam. That’s what I’m doing now – gathering steam! Thank you, M!!
So grateful for your words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yay! This is fantastic!! Meaghan is a very smart gal. I like her.
I hear you Cleo. I lost it over a “you cant eat the hard boiled egg on the couch” incident with my 2 year old. Which to him is confusing, since its okay to eat some snacks on the couch… because of you though, when my “Genius” showed up 30 min later and my eyes were red from crying… I had enough sense to not loose it on him, yell and scream over how angry I was for him leaving, blah, blah, blah… as I realized, this has nothing to do with him and is all about me. I stopped my pity act of how hard it is as a single mom and instead told myself the incident still would have happened if he were around, I would just also have to then deal with his negative reactions and anger in the situation as well as my own and all the emotions of little dude. Lesson learned. Also, next time I will breathe because I am the adult and I have learned coping skills that the little dude hasnt yet, and it is my job to teach him and he learns by what he sees. Always so clear when not in the middle of it
H,
“Always so clear when not in the middle of it” You were clear right in the middle of it! Well done! The egg part happened so you could see that you canremain centered when interacting with your Genius. You can’t prove the theory without the experiment. Your little dude was happy to play that role for you on the soul level, I’m sure.
Today the dudes made ‘snow’ with a science kit my Mom gave them. We had a snow fight in the kitchen. I’m selling the house so keeping it neat is a minute-by-minute affair. I saw what was going to happen and instead of trying to control the mess I got lost in the chaos. It was a blast. We laid on the floor and made snow angels. Afterwards I got out the broom and looked around at the winter wonderland. Lots to clean.
As I swept it into a pile I noticed it changed from pure white to the snow near the curb on a city street brown. That snow fight cleaned my floor. Just a little humorous reminder of how letting go makes things easier.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just want to tell you how thankful I am for this blog! I found out that my husband was sexting multiple women he worked with for the last 4 years of our marriage. I have been going through an extremely difficult process and now, a year later have started to see this as an opportunity for self discovery. I needed this and I am so glad I found your blog!
G,
I am so grateful you found HGM as well. I received a link to a NYT story the other day about cell phones designed to hide affairs. Your comment reminded me of that. I just don’t understand how people can dilute the absolute gift of being alive on this planet in this time by getting wrapped up in such pathetic, morally bankrupt behavior.
Those that play this game are giving up the opportunity to look back on their life and be proud of how they lived as a human. Is the thrill from sexting worth it? Is cheating worth it when an unfaithful spouse needs to tell their children that they lied and betrayed their Dad or Mom?
Maybe I’m a simpleton, but to me it seems much easier to say, Hey, you don’t do it for me anymore. I’m out. Way easier than, I lied, cheated, broke up families, and don’t deserve to be trusted or respected.
G, this process of self-discovery is difficult but so rewarding, like reaching the summit of a mountain. This relationship you are developing with yourself will be the most important relationship in your life. I’m SO glad you have embarked on this journey. Stay close, m’lady. All will be magical.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Been there, done that. The venom spewing seems right in the moment, but then makes you feel like sh*&%. I feel like I learned that the hard way from lots of spewing… that I may be hammering a point home (or not!) but at what cost to me? You may be in a low, but you will be up again! Hang in there! I had the opportunity today to quietly observe a hummingbird at rest, peacefully preening her beautiful iridescent green feathers. I thought of you and your animal signs and decided to look it up. “The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.” I’ll take it! Hope you are enjoying the beautiful weather we are having in the Bay Area.
M,
I’m so glad you looked up the hummingbird! The spreader of joy. And at rest! Peace and joy!
The cost is too great. And not worth a penny. A lot of progress was made this past week. Grateful for all the lessons learned.
The weather has been gorgeous. We hunkered down this past weekend, a little under the weather, but I smell Spring. Cannot wait to go see the whales. To the coast we go!
Thank you for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Oh, how this post resonated with me! How many times have I spent hours fuming or carrying on arguments inside my head, only to realize that those are hours of my life I can never get back? One thing that I have learned, which was a total revelation for me, is that I can actually go back in time and reclaim the power and energy I have given away to others. No, I don’t have a time machine
For me, this has taken the form of going to a place of stillness, the place where all possibilities dwell, and inviting the spirit or energy of the person to whom I have given my power to join me. In that space, I tell the person that I realize I have given him/her some of my personal energy or power, and it is time to take it back because it is not serving them and it is not serving me to have my energy fragmented. Also, if I have been holding onto some part of that person’s energy or power, I give it back to them. I do this with my eyes closed, actually picturing the person handing me my energy back and vice versa. Once the exchange has been completed, I imagine my energy being absorbed into my core and returning to its proper place. I imagine the empty space where the other person’s energy dwelled in me filling up with a white light, because Nature abhors a vacuum and I don’t want it to fill up with some gunk instead! Then I thank the person, bless them, and release them.
This is just something that has worked for me, but if it resonates with you and you decide to give it a go, I’d love to hear about your experience of it. Keep on keepin’ on lady!
Maggie
M,
Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment and sharing with us a great exercise in – how do I say this – really participating in the creation of our experience here. We have the opportunity to live a life that is so much richer, more magical than the perceived routine nature of our days. We can create the life we need on many levels. One is as you’ve described; shifting the energy without having to interact in the 3D. That’s pretty exciting stuff!
That’s how magic happens! I’m going to give it go, m’lady. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are trying to protect the little dudes but you ARE allowed to go off now and again too!! You have been thru and are continuing to do so much on your own – allow yourself to vent some steam !! My option is in the nicest way remind TG that as he stops by every now & again to pick the dudes up “that every day living gets in the way of life sometimes” and tell him in front if the dudes so they recognize that it’s THE 3 OF YOU trying your best. So the realize that Dad can’t do what he wants & also have a “perfect” pick up & drop off when he has the time to see the dudes!! Your doing great so congratulate yourself and a Liitle steam vent always helps !! Love you
C,
Thank you for your words of support, C. I truly am giving life my all. It’s the least I can do for the gift of life itself. Magic rains down on me. And soon I will be fishing for my birthday! The dudes and I are on a journey and they have another journey with their Dad. Operation Kerchief was a gift. It taught me that it’s my duty to myself to say, Enough!
Perhaps one day TG will realize that I’ve been a really decent human being during this whole transition, especially given that he didn’t extend me the courtesy of having those four years of my life to live without being betrayed. His choice. I have no regrets in how I’ve handled anything. And, guess what! I found the kerchief.
Now if I could just find that deck hand… Thank you for being here, C. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo –
I left a reply in November that was filled with sadness, but hopeful for friendly co-parenting and peace. It has been a bumpy road. Your New Years Day post about loving yourself (what a gift) and this entry about maintaining boundaries (so important to survival) have hit home. But your recent post about creating a healthy body is another critical piece. After 18 months, my divorce recently became final. Thankfully, I have gained back the 20 pounds lost (I became very frail), I’m choosing happiness and I am ready to get physically strong again (I’m with you!) but I just came down with shingles! My point is that it is amazing how stress can manifest itself in a body. In a heart that has experienced so much pain. I held onto that sickness until the final call from my lawyer to say “You are now officially divorced. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life”. Now, as I relax and begin to create a happy life for me and my three boys – my body gave into the sickness after all that protection. Amazing. I will be healthy soon and then begin working on my physical strength. Thank you for you guidance. Your advice is like an incredible puzzle.
J,
Oh, shingles! SO painful! My Mom took that bullet for me, developing shingles a month after learning of The Genius’ affair. It was a brutal case. And directly related to the stress she felt as she empathized with me. Dis-ease. When the body is stressed it simply can’t maintain health. But the fascinating thing about shingles is that it’s as if the body is releasing toxins directly through the skin. You are shedding it now, m’lady. Not the weight but the toxins.
Your analogy about my words is so spot on. I feel like I am putting together a puzzle with no box top to use as a guide. I like puzzles. I’m okay not knowing what the picture will look like because I have all of you to support me, turning this limbo into a wonderful time where anything is possible. And I’m here to do that for you as well.
I look forward to hearing about the strength you build with your body and within your body. You are a goddess, with three boys to be your sentries. Rock on. And thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It must be catching. I was doing great then – wham! narcissistic soon-to-be ex writes annoying emails that put me under for a day. Then, I focus on getting past his anger. I realize he is mad because I am setting boundaries. He does not need to come in, sit down and converse with me. I can see how a lost kerchief would do the same. Our boundaries can come crashing down at any moment. I suppose that is what I need to learn. Remember that you and I are not in the wrong. They created the crappy life they are living. We are recreating ourselves into strong, capable and self-supporting women. Take that! You are so much stronger than he is. Think about it. Your life is so much better now. You write. You are a crazy good author who is touching all of us whenever you post. The genius, and we do not even know who he is, is stuck reading all of your posts and messages about how you have moved on. The world is a better place because you are helping us move through this froggy journey. Ok. Transformation. Be strong.
B,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. “Froggy journey”…love that.
I believe that was the last time I will let a text or conversation with The Genius upend me. It serves no purpose but to create stress in my body and that doesn’t feel good. I only want to do that which feels good. Boiling it down to that simple guiding principle really helps me to make good choices.
One of my boundaries is to be gentle and come from the heart. That goes for communication with anyone. I look forward to when I can choose to support my boundaries without losing my cool. Soon…if not now. Actually, I choose now. Thank you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
“I believe that was the last time I will let a text or conversation with The Genius upend me”
How would we know how far we’ve come, if we never re-visit where we’ve been?
Y,
That must be why we need to keep revisiting, no? Understanding that makes the steps backwards more tolerable. Appreciated, even.
And you are very appreciated here, Y. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Anger is nothing more than fear in disguise…fear of not being in control, fear of being hurt, being rejected, being ‘found out…’
I have been dealing with my anger–rather what I thought was anger–over my hubby’s second affair for six years now. Because I didn’t like how those emotions were making me feel, and realizing I needed help getting to the root of said anger, I sought out a therapist. Finally, on the second go round (the first person was a BAD fit) I discovered that my feelings weren’t anger, but resentment…
And, oh boy, is there a cargo ship full of that stuff… I cried myself to sleep the night of that appointment…
And then I started thinking about taking control of my emotions, taking serious stock of my option–the Power options–and recognizing the difference between, “Can’t, Won’t, and Don’t want to…”
Keep on keeping on, Cleo…
An ally in healing…
A,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And for causing me to ponder resentment. That’s a sneaky one – resentment is subtle and internalized. It’s exhausting. I need to be on the look out for it continuously so it can be seen and freed.
Here’s to living without fear among allies! So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve been reading your blog for about almost one month now and really appreciate your sharing and thoughts. I’m in the middle of dealing with my soon to be ex-husband…we been separated for 7 months but haven’t started the official paperwork yet. Been married for 11 years, together for almost 15….he cheated on me, lied, lied, and did I say more lies?!?! Been hurting like crazy and trying to get a handle in my life. I’m 38 and feel so lost! Every interaction with him is incredibly painful. I read your post about forgiving with tears…I wish I had your clarify but I don’t…I’m not ready yet to let go…
Again, thank you because reading what you are going through and how you are dealing gives me perspective and hope.
Cita
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. I’m grateful you found HGM. I’m honored to have a gaggle of kittens that have the most exquisite wisdom to share. You will find a great deal to guide you in their words.
Now is the time to focus on you. If the interactions are painful, take some time off. Find a way to get space so you can do what you need to do in order to unearth your YOU. Bring all that energy of yours that is swirling outside of you, trying to fix and upright and make better and center it squarely on you. Your life is a gift. This awful experience is an event in your gift of a life. It is now when you have the opportunity to polish yourself to a brilliant, beautiful shine. It will take time, but each little rub is making a difference.
Eventually you’ll see yourself glow.
You are not alone, C. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am so sorry you are hurting Cita…. I don’t usually comment on other comments but there are just so many parallels. I am separated 8 months after an 11 year marriage and 15 years together. He left me and our three kids over an affair with the HR person at his work (they are still together) but there were other indiscretions prior to her that I have since learned about. All of this was just completely blindsiding. I had no clue whatsoever that he was even unhappy! Are you getting the support you need? Family and friends have held me afloat. I also go to therapy weekly and am on antidepressants (which were a game changer for me). I do as much yoga as I can, other exercise and am learning to meditate. And even with all this, the best remedy of all as just been to let time pass. I am finally feeling time doing it’s work, and what was surreal is finally feeling real. Yes, my husband really did this to me. And now when I look at him I often think “ewwww”- he kind of repulses me. We are about to start mediating our divorce and I feel ready to tackle it and move on. I am so glad you found Cleo’s blog. You will gain a lot of wisdom and inspiration here. Figure out what you need to get through this and get it… Hang in there! (((Hugs)))