I lost it today.
Because I lost the kerchief to the tall dude’s boy scout uniform.
Not having the scout uniform ready for The Genius when he came to pick up the little dude really set him off. I’ll leave it at that because this is not about him. It’s about my reactions and what I learn from how I handle situations. How I handle things is indicative of my emotional, mental and physical well-being.
I did not handle things well today.
Instead of remaining calm and centered, I met anger with anger. I yelled shut-up (a phrase a despise) and a few other choice words that would make my Mom cringe, and then, when not on the phone, I continued to spew. That is not who I am, nor who I want to be.
My core is wound tighter than Princess Leia’s braids. The muscles across my upper back burn with tension. My throat itches with the onset of a cold. I feel depleted, drained. I can’t shake this chill. Not one part of me is relaxed.
No wonder. This is what I wrote in the last post:
I’m officially subdued.
That’s really not the interpretation of ‘ coming into your personal power’ that I envisioned. If this is the extent of my personal power I better get a backup generator, some solar panels and a wind turbine.
Thoughts become things. Not that I have to only write about the shimmery and the magical, but when I wrote that I felt it was all there was to feel.
So when the criticism of my lack of organization rained down upon me I didn’t have my umbrella opened. That criticism was set aflame by anger. I can’t begin to unravel the real reason why there is such anger, which feels like it is directed squarely at me. It’s not my role to understand why, but it is my responsibility to deal with it in a manner that is consistent with my boundaries.
There are two possible 3D reasons for The Genius to be angry at me: he is supporting me financially, and I’m writing this blog. I haven’t turned friends against him, spoken poorly to the children about him, hidden assets, spent lavishly, besieged him with hatred-fueled texts or keyed his car.
I’ll be able to take care of the first one and become self-sufficient. I don’t have any desire to be supported by another person. I need to support myself. I have chosen to do that as a writer and am grateful to have the opportunity. I will not squander it. This blog will continue, and I will create other opportunities to do what I love and be compensated for it. It would be great if I had accomplished that by now, just like it would have been great for me to have had the opportunity to participate in a dissolution of my marriage prior to experiencing betrayal and infidelity, prior to being cheated out of four years of my life.
Let’s call it a wash.
I will work my taut tuchus off to release The Genius of any financial responsibility for me as soon as humanly, and otherwise, possible. My hope, for the sake of the children, is that being free of ever having to spend a nickel on me will result in him taking his anger elsewhere. Away from me, and because there is no way to fully shield it from them, away from the dudes. They deserve a happy and peaceful childhood during which they can learn to work with their emotions the old-fashioned way, the kid way. Not through exposure to adults behaving like children.
That’s a nice 3D solution to what unraveled me today. Oh, if only it were that simple.
Thoughts are energy. Thoughts are powerful. My thinking lately has been toxic. Poisoning my spirit in doses so small as to go undetected, but so effective that I have become restricted by self-doubt; it’s food the words of another.
I’ve been careless with my thoughts. That carelessness creates an environment where making good choices and remaining centered and focused in the midst of upheaval is nearly impossible. So then the flip is true, too. If I’m not careless with my thoughts and they are loving and supportive, I will make conscious choices based on what is best for me and the dudes and can remain centered because my thoughts will not be undermining me, chiseling away at my self-worth. I will create harmony.
As the sun slid behind the hills and the air lost its heat, my thoughts were all about The Genius. I went on a misdirected search to find words to guide me by trying to understand what was fueling his anger. Fortunately, the right words appeared in a powerful article that I won’t link to here because it will only serve to fuel a fire I wish to die out. I’ll figure out some way to get it to you. These words brought the meaning of the Christmas Day frogs hopping right back intoThe 12 Days Of Being Single At Christmas my self-created swamp.
The message in this article was to reclaim one’s personal power. Speak it and mean it: I take back my personal power, my soul.
Get out of my psychic space.
Thoughts become things.
This dust-up over a boy scout kerchief has nothing to do with my organizational skills. I created that situation to highlight the fact that I am not taking responsibility for my own personal power. I am not protecting myself from someone that has caused me harm. I am allowing words from a person I cannot trust to affect how I am living my days, how I am thinking and feeling.
I’ve been writing about it for the past few weeks, but clearly not getting the message. Hence the escalated grab for my attention. Man, I did not like it and don’t want to experience that again. To allow my days to be hijacked by something or someone outside of me is to let myself down. My self has done so much to get me here that I can’t bear to let it down now.
I’ve noticed some signs of aging lately, catching my reflection and seeing smile lines that are beginning to resemble crevasses, and eyes that have lost their sparkle. My hair is drying out, as is the skin around my fingertips. The pores on my face are getting more noticeable.
I am porous. My energy is seeping out because I haven’t reinforced my boundaries. I’ve gotten lazy.
As a kitten and I recently discussed, it would be great to take a day off – not be so focused on excavation, lesson learning and making conscious choices that don’t always feel good but are the right choices to make. But to do so has significant consequences. The first of which is that it is habit forming. One day becomes a month, and so on. During that carefree time, it’s easy to forget that thoughts become things, and people and events can drain our energy which prevents us from responding in ways we can respect upon reflection.
With such little time here on the planet (it is SUCH a little bit of time), it’s risky to waste our time being carefree. We are here to learn. Learning doesn’t always feel good, but it’s unarguably great for us in every sense.
It’s time for me to take a serious refresher course in my boundaries:
I expect of myself that I will be quick to listen and slow to respond,
that I will come from the heart,
that my words will be genuine and true,
that I will not judge people,
that my state of happiness comes from within not ordered out,
that I will not control or manipulate outcomes,
that I will walk slowly and deliberately on my path,
and I will love myself and my journey here on the blue marble with my whole being.
I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in the last several weeks, but I’ve gotten lazy with that which warrants top billing: my boundaries. Those 8 points are the key to creating magic.
I lost my cool today, but I have a choice to allow that lapse to define tomorrow or make the choice to acknowledge that it was a personal failure that doesn’t have to be repeated. Lesson learned.
I won’t be drained anymore because I’m plugging the holes with personal power. My thirst will come from a desire to blossom, not because my well is dry.
You are all so very patient with me as I surge ahead and tumble back. As we’ve said before, this is not a linear journey, but I can make the climb less arduous with consistent training.
Thank you for being my collective coach. Or should I say my Coaching Collective?