Before we begin The Boundaries of Divorce: Be True To You…let’s tend to those pesky question marks. I’m pondering what the message is within. As I do that, I’m being told by support that there is no secret decoder ring programmed to Venus necessary to solve this riddle. Simply stated, the database is screwed up. It has something to do with Swedish and Latin, and that, kittens, is exactly where I check out. I’m told someone will hold me by the hand tomorrow and we will exorcise those pesky post haste.
Thank you, love you, thank you for the comments, support, guidance, laughs, hugs and amazing word-of-mouth. And thank you to Lainey Gossip and Cosmo’s Cocktails with Patrick for sharing me with their amazing audiences. As I go to sleep tonight I will ask for all your desires to be met, all your dreams to come true, and for you to all love yourself so deeply that love from anyone else is icing. It is because of you that I have come so far so fast. I’m going to keep at it and I hope that you will be with me every step of the way. We’ll find out where it leads together.
LY, Cleo
As Ricky once said to Lucy, “Lucy, you have some splainin’ to do.” So do I. Why did I allow this to happen to me? Why did I enable it? Why didn’t I stand up for myself and my needs four years ago? Or sooner? Why did I not require respect and ask for it in a productive way instead of in the midst of the searing heat of an argument?
Last Sunday I kept my commitment to hike from Stinson Beach to the top of Mt. Tamalpais and back, 18 miles round trip, despite having what I considered to be a fairly bitchy head cold. As I was driving to the beach my teeth started to throb. Super. I kept psyching myself up though. I was flame on a mission.
This is exactly what I need to cure me of this cold…
By mile 9 I thought my teeth were going to fire like bullets from my mouth, taking out the cute couple in front of me on a leisurely hike, holding hands. Down they’d go in a spray of enamel. Mine. And I still had 9 to go.
Monday morning I couldn’t get out of bed. But I did. My aim to start the week off with a hot breakfast for the boys got sidelined as I squinted at my kitchen, literally not understanding what I was supposed to be doing in there, except dispose of the 50-odd tissues I used during the night. Night being from about 2AM when I finally mouth-breathed myself into a scattered sleep to 6:30AM when I choked myself awake. Awesome night’s sleep.
The hike had not exactly cured my cold, but rather morphed it into a full-blown sinus infection that was in the prime of its life. There was no way I could take care of the boys when they returned from school. I called The Genius.
I think he understood the words sick, can’t breath, boys, need sleep. He didn’t hesitate.
“I’ll pick up the boys and take care of them through the night if you need it.”
I did. I crawled under the covers (sheet, blanket, down comforter, comforter, throw) in sweats, a tank top, a long sleeved shirt and a sweater that was 2 inches thick. I almost kept my slippers on. It was 55 degrees out. I was overcome by the level of pain those two little sacs could send raging over my whole body. I was completely exhausted.
During my hike on Mt. Tam I had opened some doors to rooms inside me that I thought held the answers to those questions above. As I lay in bed I thought about those doors, trying to see what was inside. Each had the same nameplate: Boundaries. I opened door after door. Every room was empty. Apparently I had no boundaries. Or if I did they were loosely constructed and easily pushed around, so they hid in the closet when I came knocking.
It occurred to me then that I really didn’t know what constituted a boundary.
I understood what a healthy physical boundary looked like (don’t threaten, hit, abuse etc.) but I couldn’t quite get a picture of healthy emotional boundaries.
You can’t tell someone not to break your heart, or betray you, or lie. All you can do is have a consequence in the event it happens. You can state it right in the beginning, but it’s not a prophylactic. When I told The Genius I would leave him if he ever cheated on me he said, “That’s sexy.” Guess he wanted to see sexy.
I came to realize, while I was bundled up in bed like Nanook of the North, that it wasn’t enough for me to simply state that I wouldn’t accept being hurt, or disrespected, or taken for granted – I had to enforce it. Not just with The Genius but with myself too. I didn’t. I look back on so many times when I thought I was being the cool wife to let certain things slide, but instead I was being a pushover which led to me resenting The Genius, which led me to building walls, not healthy boundaries.
I got angry at The Genius because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I couldn’t/shouldn’t/can’t control his actions but I could have been crystal freaking clear about my response. I wasn’t. I let myself down. I didn’t speak up for myself. And that’s the antithesis of self-care.
I needed to take The Genius by the hand and say, “I am not comfortable with the following aspects of our relationship. I want to talk about how we can work through these issues and make certain that we’re clear about what we expect of each other.” Those might have been some difficult conversations but it would have changed the dynamic between us. Where that might have led isn’t the issue. The fact that for so many years I didn’t take steps to care for myself is.
And here I lay, nose sealed shut, wrapped like a burrito, in bed during the day for the first time in years. While my soon-to-be former husband plays Uno with the boys, makes dinner, and keeps them quiet during their baths so I can sleep until I wake.
Even with the sinus agony I feel more balanced than ever before. My physical body needed rest and I asked for help so I could give it what it needed. Believe me, for about two hours I struggled with calling The Genius and asking for help. It’s not something I do readily.
In last week’s Couples Counseling Works…It Does! session I took care of a need by expressing my hurt and anger. I didn’t close my mouth (If I had I would have died – remember, not a nostril was on duty that day.) and hand over the microphone, stubbornly withholding what I wanted to say with a nevermind stare. Instead, I calmly stated how he made me feel and that I wasn’t going to allow him to continue to do things that were hurtful or disrespectful. That his presence in my world was uncomfortable for me and I wanted to limit it as much as possible without taking away any time he spends with the boys. And that he needed to take full responsibility for where we were right then and there because it was his affair that brought us there and nothing else.
Basically, I stood up for myself. I was able to because I knew exactly what I needed for me to feel whole. I knew what a few of my brand new, shiny, rock-solid boundaries were and I erected them. They were designed to take care of me, and by taking care of myself I was demonstrating to the world that I was worthy of being taken care of and treated with respect.
Seems so simple to do, right? Just say what you need and be done with it. Pisses me off when stuff seems so simple but is so darn hard to make happen. Maybe because we don’t believe. Well, I’m on the mend and I’m a believer. Boundaries Work!. I need more of them. But to create boundaries I first have to decide what it is that I need. When I decide what I need and what I want the boundaries will nearly build themselves…um, right?
I know this: When I’m ready to build boundaries it’s because I will finally know WHO I really am. And that my friends is my personal Holy Grail. I’m on a mission…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for having the strength and courage to walk in public light as you grown individually through such a traumatic experience. I have never been married and personally relationships are not my forte. Being able to see that loving yourself and losing yourself sometimes don’t come in an order that we expect has allowed me to begin to understand WHY I don’t think relationships are my forte. Yes, I have been hurt but I have not completely healed so I have a wall, not a boundary. Your experience and the wisdom you have gained are available for all to learn by and for that I am grateful.
I also commend you from the bottom of my heart for not bringing your children to the negative side of divorce. It takes a strong woman not to push your own resentment of their father into their young mindsets.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Love this: Being able to see that loving yourself and losing yourself sometimes don’t come in an order that we expect. I’ve regained myself, mostly, and now can see clearly how I lost myself in my marriage. It’ll take time, but I am relishing the opportunity to rebuild this relationship with myself. I am excited to see how far “we” can go.
I just finished a conversation with someone about fears. And walls. You can let the wall down. You’ll be safe. And you can always say no or walk away from a relationship that doesn’t suit you. And as you build your boundaries you can even be completely okay with someone walking away from you because you’ll respect their need to take care of their own self. You are on your own journey. Let someone hold your hand once in awhile and see how it feels.
Thank you for recognizing how I am handling the divorce in light of my children’s needs. I am very proud of how it is working. They deserve to be able to see how relationships can wax and wane in a healthy fashion. I want them to respect how I handle myself through out this process.
I’m grateful for you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women. ~ Maya Angelou
I don’t need to add anything to this but THANK YOU for sharing it with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
As a woman who takes pride in what she perceives as her own inner strength, it sometimes is difficult for me to face that not asking for help when you need it is actually a weakness. I love that you had the strength to reach out and ask for support in your time of need–especially from someone who you instinctively did not trust to provide it to you. You are truly showing that you love yourself. The healthiness of that one action alone should surround you with such healing powers that I have high hopes for the cure of your sinus infection
Emma,
I’m so glad you commented on the simple but powerful act of asking for help. It is a weakness when we deny ourselves what we need because of how we want to be perceived. It’s denial, actually. And it did negatively affect my relationship with The Genius. I never let him help me. Which probably made him feel not needed. I have learned a great lesson there. It’s okay that it took me till now to realize it. IT is playing out exactly as it is supposed to. The only regret I would have is if I never applied to my life this very important lesson learned.
Thank you for pointing it out, for highlighting it so that I never forget. I do love myself, and I have extra love to spread around to all of you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I started reading your blog today (found through LaineyGossip) and I have been completely entranced. My boyfriend of 8 1/2 years and I broke up a little over a year ago and I can relate to so many of the emotions you have expressed. For years he promised that we would get married. We went ring shopping, found “the ring” and everything. But for whatever reason, year after year, there was always an excuse about why it hadn’t happened. Finally, I was so fed up I drew a line in the sand–basically letting him know it’s now or never. About the time I did he started “hanging out” with this mutual friend we had who happened to be female. While I thought we were trying to work on our relationship he was going out to late dinners with her and trips to Charleston. He would tell me “we’re just friends” and act like it was my fault that I couldn’t accept the fact that he could have friends that were female. Like hanging out with another girl who is not your girlfriend is ever really ok?
To make a long story short, pretty much the week after we broke up he was officially dating this girl. While he may not have officially cheated on me he lied to me in many ways–about his relationship with her, our relationship, getting married, etc. I have never felt so betrayed and angry. Afterwards he did just what your ex did–wanted us to be friends, maintain good ties with my family, etc. I couldn’t believe it!! I didn’t even want to see his face and neither did my family.
After the break up, like you, I felt this overwhelming sense of freedom. I realized I didn’t have to base my life around this one person and his decisions anymore. I bought a house (all on my own) and started doing things that I was never able to do with him. I have done a lot of thinking in the past year and realize that, just like you said, it is important to have the difficult conversations with your partner and to stand up for yourself. I feel like if I would have done more of that rather than playing to his emotions then maybe I would’ve seen the warning signs more clearly. Of course hindsight is always 20/20, right?
Anyways, thanks for sharing you story! You are a very brave and strong woman and I really admire your courage. Hope you feel better soon!
Ashley!
I am so proud of you. 8.5 years is a long time to give to someone, but you pulled back at the right time. Your story is similar to Mr. Jackpot’s. The betrayal you’ve both experienced is no less than mine. No different, in fact. No matter what the official status is of a relationship, when you’re lied to, you’re lied to and it sucks.
Pretty hard to not to feel like you’ve been strung along. I wonder why? For me, for you, for Mr. Jackpot. Why did we let it happen.
I wish we could all sit in the sand together and bat that one about for hours.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You’ve set me off on a pondering path…I have many comments to reply to, but I will go sit with your story thereafter. I am feeling better! Now I feel like, hmmm…my teeth will stay in my head, but my nose may fall off. That shouldn’t complicate things at all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
What a beautiful post, sinuses notwithstanding. Often it is our very strengths that are our weaknesses – I call it the too much of a good thing principle. Women who are strong often don’t get what they need out of relationships because we are strong we don’t put the vulnerability out there.
You may not have wanted this particular journey you are on but the way you are dealing with it and looking at it as an opportunity, I just know GREAT things are going to happen for you.
And I’d also like to mention how great it is that both you and The Genius are not dragging your kids into this. So many people burden and damage their children because they cannot see past their own conflict. I am sure I don’t have to tell you that this can be a very trying period for your kids and they will need every ounce of reassurance that you and the Genius can give.
I do think I have to give a little speck of credit to the Genius for being willing to take the kids so you can nurse yourself back to health.
Feel better!
Dana
Dana,
“Women who are strong often don’t get what they need out of relationships because we are strong we don’t put the vulnerability out there.”
Spot on, m’lady. Spot-freaking on.
I give more than a speck of credit to The Genius for how he is dealing with the fruits of his labor. He loves our children, and me. As odd as that may sound. I thanked him for his help. And then breathed a sigh of relief when he left the country.
I’m on the road to recovery on so many levels! Thank you for holding my hand.
Love yourself,
Cleo
a huge WOW girl !!! jumped on today and saw “48″ comments !! i am so happy that your words are reaching more and more women, we all will be a grateful group laughing are way to more empowerment following your strength. Gotta love that Lainey, tell me she wouldn’t fit right into our group with a cocktail in hand and some sass flowing off her lips? haha i can truely picture it. As the old saying goes when a woman stands up for herself and speaks her mind whether correct or indifferent we are labeled a bitch. Well i think anyone of us would easily take that label and slap on our jersey and run for the finish line, blazing the path for our sisters! and you girl have the finish line in sight and we are all running behind you. You are a wonderful mentor, an awesome writer and the movie will be absolutely “Bitching” !! Love and Miss you and your giggle!!!
oh and that sinus infection…..that was just the last of “the poison: ridding your body – keep reaching for the stars, you will be touching them soon.
-why that’s a cock, robin !!
CR,
Thank you! Love you! Owe you! I’m running for the finish line and my ass is barely jiggling. My nose is running too!
I am so very grateful to have the support of such an amazing group of souls coming from all corners of the Blue Marble. Feeling the love, m’lady. Feeling the love.
Now love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
My best friend sent me your blog today and reading it brought back so many memories and feelings of finding out about my husbands affair too 18 months ago. While mine wasn’t a 4 years long like yours, mine did choose to cheat with a woman who was once involved with the man his first wife left him for (not sure if that made sense but very ridiculous and heart breaking all the same.)
Girl, you have a long road a head of you! I wanted to share a few quick things. Please read spiritual divorce by Debbie Ford – as it was a game changer for me. When you get to the heart of why you chose the genius (my life coach once asked me “who have you been being that you attracted a man who has been lying to you for 5 year”… ouch) – and I swear we could have been married to the same man! Give yourself some compassion, love and the thing that may be the hardest for you to find – but in my opinion the only thing that will set you free is forgiveness. And believe it or not – I didnt think forgiveness was possible until I uncovered a second affair 8 months into my journey and I finally got that while I needed to be responsible for some things I didnt need to be responsible for the lies and deception and that really I was married to a very screwed up individual who needed someone stroking his ego all the time to feel like a man…. BTW we are a year and a half out and he still cant own what he has done, but inside of forgiveness I really feel indifferent to him now. He lives with that woman and her two kids. And I can see how the universe delivered the destruction of what I thought was my happily ever after as a book of lessons… and like you – I knew if I didnt take the time to figure them out I very well might find myself here again.
Thank you for your courage to share and to remind us about being human. You know that every day will bring something new and some will hurt and some will feel good and someday you will feel less (for him and what he has done) and you will be grateful for all the lessons and new opportunities and even love that comes out of something like this.
Jennifer,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read HGM and comment. It means so much to me to have the support of all of you beautiful souls.
“I can see how the universe delivered the destruction of what I thought was my happily ever after as a book of lessons…”
So very true. I am ordering Spiritual Divorce now and will read it along with my own book of lessons. I have embraced the fact that I can let go of the outcome, shed the “should look like this” attitude, and be ready for whatever it is that I create. What I hope to create more than anything is a community here where we can move through change together. With humor, love and excitement for all that lies ahead.
Stay with me, and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are courageous, brave and strong to put your story out in blog-land. Your story is compelling and happens to more people than we could ever imagine. Creating and maintaining boundaries is key to trusting and living with respect and dignity for yourself. The book is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I wish you and your family good health and a wholehearted life. You have been given a gift – a GIANT gift. Enjoy opening all the various and unique wrappings of your gift and thank you for sharing. W
Wendy,
“You are courageous, brave and strong to put your story out in blog-land.” Funny, I believe I did it out of fear! I didn’t want to be walking this path alone. I instinctively knew that I needed all of you to walk with me. And I still do. But I do feel brave. Thank you for the book suggestion. SO much to earn. So much to do. Including the simple task of reminding myself to be happy. Joyful, even! And grateful. Which I am to you and everyone who takes the time to digest my journey, comment and send me virtual hugs. I make each hug last for at least 5 minutes. I’ve actually double-dipped on a few. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, You are so present on this site – way to go! I just wanted to add that they say joy is on the other side of fear…so you are definitely on the right track by getting it out there. I have found that to be true. You put it out there and then stay true to yourself. Sometimes it is hard to “stay” and when you fall off of “stay” it’s ok to begin again. Begin again…is part of the gift. Of course! I am still digesting your 18 mile hike with a nasty head cold. It’s amazing what one can do. Warmest, W
W,
I’ve had the blog surgically implanted in my left sinus. It swelled up so much that there was room, not only for the posts but the comments too! I got a pillow pet for my fears. I let them all gather up and snuggle close and then I pet their little heads. The more I let them know it’s okay to be, the more I am able to remain brave. Don’t go far, W. You never know when I’ll need you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
like others I was turned onto your site through Lainey Gossip and I was hooked from the first entry. I know many before me have said how brave you are for putting your life out for all to see but I also think you are brave for facing your own life, soul, and emotions. It’s easy to feel then act, harder to understand where those feelings come from, why we choose to act the way we do, and then most important have the courage to change for the better. Your strength and determination has stayed with me since reading your blog.
I look forward to your insights on boundaries, especially what to do when you decide what those boundaries are and how to react when if/when they are crossed. I think that’s something all women struggle with when we are taught to be flexible in our boundaries, put others first, serve our children and husbands before ourselves. I’m working not to lose myself in my marriage. Build the boundaries and take action before major problems happen. I know it’s a bizarre analogy but I feel like having the courage to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority is like the directions airplane stewards give during the safety speech: done your oxygen mask before helping other to do the same.
I hope your sinuses clear up soon. As a non-medicinal solution you may want to try a Netti-pot. They are a little gross but effective!
Thank you again for your insights. M.
M,
How insightful of you to recognize that it’s harder to be brave when facing yourself than an outside situation. It takes bravery, and compassion, to shine the light on your darkness. Look deeply at who you are, why you are the way you are, and what you are unwilling to see about yourself. It is in that vein that I take responsibility for where I am. Not for his affair, his betrayal or his actions, but for my actions and denial.
Losing oneself in a marriage may be a challenge that more women face then men for the reasons you point out. When we become the one that runs around taking care of everyone before the self we slowly melt away. When one’s spouse turns to find you melting it’s not such a pretty sight. I return to the image of walking on a singular path that runs alongside other paths. When we cross to the other path it becomes crowded and it’s hard to see where one person begins and the other ends. At one time I thought that was the zenith of relationships: two who have joined to become one. Now I understand it to be the death instead.
A therapist I once knew said, “Relationships need to be like a taught rubber band held apart by two hands. If the hands come too close the rubber band droops. It needs to remain taught for the relationship to work.” We need to stay on our own path, retain our own identity and relish the company of those that join us on our journey. Which is not to say that putting up a wall is the way to retain one’s own identity. Remove the walls and courageously stand alone, with one hand outstretched for someone to take and hold.
Thank you, M. Boundaries are worthy of many a post. And I have a whole lot of posting in me. Please stay with me. Your path is right over there.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have helped me more than you could ever know.
C,
You are so very welcome. I feel compelled to hug you. Stay centered and strong and promise me that at some point this week you will throw your head back and give me your best Julia Roberts laugh. Promise.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Thank you Cleo for the ballsy move of bringing your pain to the page. I’m so glad to have found your blog. I see myself and gain insights on every page.
My 16-year marriage blew up last week. He’s been cold and remote and mean-as-a** for months. I thought it was that change of life thing and was so overwhelmed with handling our life, that I gave him ‘time and space.’ But it got so bad that I visited an attorney. I did this with his knowledge, meaning he let me go that far. I was in shock that he was actually letting it happen. I said “Appointment’s tomorrow.” And “I’m leaving now.” “Closing the door.” “This is me, starting the car.” And called him from the road, “No traffic, I’ll be there soon.” And he never once asked me to stop. I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. The world’s greatest love story.
It was only when I came home and told him how completely and totally screwed he would be if I filed that he admitted what – or should I say who – he’d really been doing all these months.
So here I sit, alone for the first time since life changed. Given an oceanfront view to help me contemplate, thanks to my very best sister-friend. Getting real. Battling demons. Making decisions. Designing my new life. Praying for courage.
I’m scared. I didn’t want this. Except maybe I did. Like you, I get I’m not responsible for what he did. But also like you, I did choose to marry him. My why is clear; I got to raise a beautiful, remarkable, extraordinary girl child who needed me, the gift of my life. But you nailed my unknown. Thinking I was the cool wife who didn’t make trouble. Translation – a boundary-free fool.
Now it’s about the courage to actually pull the trigger, followed by the minutiae of extraction. My economics are more difficult, my world will be significantly reduced. But each hour I’m getting clearer and clearer that the losses will be outweighed by the gains.
Wish me luck and strength and I wish the same for you. Know that I’ll be returning for more infusions of Courage by Cleo. Please keep sharing and again, thank you.
T,
I am so glad you are by the sea. That’s where you need to be.
“Thinking I was the cool wife who didn’t make trouble. Translation – a boundary-free fool.” That was a big revelation for me. What’s scary is that I feel so prone to making that very same mistake again.
I have much work to do on boundaries.
I do believe that the Universe provides if we are willing to trust and to be fearless. You will be alright. You will have all the support (emotional, financial and otherwise) you need to live a fulfilling life. It might not look like what your mind’s eye created, but it will be what your soul needs to thrive.
Thank you for sharing. I’m right here with you. I won’t be going anywhere. We’ll get through this together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
So, I am reading all of your posts from the beginning, and this one resonates with me on many levels. I am in the beginning stages of divorce, but knowing that I am going to get “myself” back is making it all worth it. Thank you for your writing, it’s saving me right now
J
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m so grateful you found HGM. You will most certainly come to realize that she’s there waiting for you. She never left. She’s your soul mate forever. Your one true and pure love. And with her you will have a BLAST! I’m excited to know what is just up ahead, but be sure to stay firmly rooted in the here and now. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are a great storyteller. Even with such a painful story you’ve found a way to make it an engaging and I dare say fun read. It’s your personality that spills out through your words that endears me and other readers to you and your story. It has us rooting a total stranger and celebrate each posted success.
I’ve started reading your blog from the beginning and this is how far I’ve gotten. This particular post touched me and I talked about it on my own blog at:http://goodwifetales.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/touched-by-his-giant-mistake-blog/
I look forward to reading the rest. Much success to you.
A,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to comment here at HGM. Iv’e been embraced by the most glorious group of souls that encourage me to be me. They’ve made me feel safe and loved. And I love them all for the months of support they have so selflessly bestowed upon me. I am so very blessed. Thank you for sharing your blog with us. We all have so much to give each other. And when we give it lifts our spirits and helps us to be brave. We are not alone. Not only that, we’re surrounded by the coolest kittens ever. I’m grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo