The Wisdom of the Kittens on Betrayal and Divorce

 

On some level I knew this would happen.

A quick thought jumped across my brain like a barefoot child running across hot sand as I prepared to leave Bolinas and head east – Have Mom pick out some of her favorite comments for a post!  She reads your comments over and again, and often calls me to marvel at your wisdom, your thoughtfulness, and your way with words.  How your words have helped to guide me through infidelity and divorce.  I wanted her to share with you her favorites.

I had my ideas about which comments she might gravitate towards, knowing full well she would sift through a thousand and find her own nuggets of wisdom.  After a few days of reveling in the company of each other I set her to task.  She could scroll through every comment ever written and select those that meant something to her.

Wouldn’t you know…each and every one was a comment that I needed to read again. Today.

Each comment speaks to exactly where I am right now.  Even though they may have been written a year ago or more.  I had goosebumps as I retrieved them, one by one, based on a few words she wrote down so I could search for them in my database.

They speak to my burning desire, my quest, to learn about physics, the Big Bang, the laws of attraction – both scientific and spiritual.  They help to temper my fear of change, fear of not being able to live up to my own expectations.  They remind me of the importance of the passage of time, of allowing key phases of life the time to simmer, meld the flavors, come together when the conditions are just right.

I bet we all need to read these right now…my thoughts are in italics after each comment.

From Hela, My Little Physicist, in response to Fear Not, Bolinas Has Your Back!

I now choose to respond to my fear based emotions consciously. I face my fear head on and once you look something dead in the eye, it usually looks away. Same for fear, I now know from bitter experience that we do not control the external but we sure as hell control the internal. By choosing to let go of fear and subsequently resistance…the external suddenly becomes so much easier to accommodate and manage.

I’m encouraging fear to go away.  Change is necessary.  Change is what happens when we swing on the pendulum of life.  In the midst of great change I am surrounded by beautiful beings that have come to be with me.

From Laura, in response to Testing, Testing…Is This Sign Working?

Joking (temporarily) aside. This is beautiful. This speaks to something that I struggle with all the time- trying to let things happen instead of making them happen how and when I want. Sometimes you need to push, and create, and make those gears turn- and sometimes? Sometimes you need to accept that you’re not driving the bus, and so much the better. Expectations are tricky things. The profound sometimes happens when you insist, but the miraculous seldom does. In my adult life I haven’t been very good at stillness. At being present. It is coming so much easier to me now, and I think I have figured out why. Somewhere, way deep down, or out of the corner of my mind’s eye, I knew I couldn’t trust my partner. I couldn’t relax in my life, because somewhere, deep in my subconsciousy (totally a word) bits I knew. I couldn’t look directly at it, but I knew. And that sense of unease somehow, over time, chipped away at my faith in myself. Now, my partner is me- and I’ve learned to trust me again.

When I stop pushing, forcing things to happen, and respect the need for time to pass, for things to percolate, they unfold as I intend.  Not as my Ego desires.  All those uncomfortable, gawky feelings are released, replaced by the knowing that everything is happening according to a perfect plan.

From Mr. Simplicity, in response to Fear Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

I don’t know who said this, but it seems appropriate here:
“Worrying is like dreaming for things you don’t want.”

So stop worrying.

From my Mom (although she attributed it to Donna, naturally, not wanting to take credit), in response to Did Somebody Say Sex?

Happy people are those who look within themselves and feel a great deal of respect and love for themselves.  If we can’t honestly do that then being truly happy is not happening.

And when we are truly happy we have greater discernment, we make better choices, we are more content. Love yourself.  All else reflects back that love.

From Donna, in response to Signed, Sealed Delivered…I’m Mine and Divorced (which we now know I wasn’t…because the Universe loves my sense of humor).

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, raven haired princess named Tasia. She was the fairest in all the land. From the day she was born, a beautiful light emanated from her. She was truly very special.

Her regal name came from ancient Sanskrit. It means Light, Resurrection, Crown. These words perfectly suited the princess and the woman she would become.

Soon after she was born, there was a big celebration. Many faeries came to the party, each one bringing the baby princess a gift. One brought kindness, another humor, still another bestowed on her integrity and honesty. Her favorite gift of all was magic, brought to her by still another faerie.

It was an enormous party with lots of food and music and dancing and laughter. Everyone in the kingdom came to celebrate the birth of the beautiful princess. Although Tasia was just a baby, she had a very vague memory of this special day, almost as though it were a dream.

As she grew she continued to emanate the radiant beautiful light she was born with. She was kind and funny and liked to be nice to people. She was a genuinely good person which made her an outstanding princess. All the people in the kingdom loved her very much.

While she was a princess in every respect, life was not always easy for her. The princess grew up into a lovely young girl. As she grew, she began to have doubts. Who am I? Where do I belong? What is my purpose? Am I worthy of love?

As her doubts grew her light shone less and less. It got dark around the princess. As the light dimmed and her doubts grew, she became afraid and worried.

The more she worried and fretted, worried and fretted, the dimmer the light grew and the lonelier the beautiful princess became.

She lost faith in herself and looked to others for the answers, all of whom failed her and managed to make the princess’ light shine even less brightly than before. The more the others failed her, the sadder the princess became. She continued to struggle. The light got very, very dim indeed.

One day, while the princess rested in the shade of the giant peach tree that grew in her garden, a faerie floated by .

The faerie asked “is that you princess Tasia?”

The princess responded “Why yes it is faerie. Do I know you? You look familiar to me.”

“I came to the celebration when you were born. Why so glum princess?”

“I don’t know who I am or what my place is in the universe. I have searched and searched and cannot find the answer. Why have so many failed me in my journey? I don’t know where to turn next.”

“ You may not remember because you were a tiny tiny baby when I bestowed this gift upon you, but I brought you magic. You still have it. You always will. “

“Magic?” The perplexed princess exclaimed. “How will magic help me when I’m lost?”

“The magic is that you carry all you need for happiness within you. You don’t need to search outside yourself for your light. The center, the calm, the stillness that you seek does not come from others. It is in you already. It will tell you everything you need to know.”

The uncertain princess listened and then cautiously looked within. She realized maybe the faerie was right. As she searched her soul for the beauty within, her light got a tiny bit brighter. As she trusted that what the faerie told her was true and that she truly did have everything she needed, her light got brighter and brighter and brighter until it was just as bright as the day she was born.

Princess Tasia thanked the wise faerie for helping her find the most powerful gift of all – herself.

The faerie flew on to bestow enchantment upon others in the kingdom.

Princess Tasia found her magic, she had it all along. The magic was simply that she was enough and always would be.

Once the beautiful and now happy princess found her way and her light was back, exciting things were about to happen in her life. The best adventures were still to come….

Answering our own questions from within builds the muscle of intuition.  Then even the most challenging situations have a sense of peace to them for we will know, because of discernment and intuition, the right move to make in order to continue to create magic.  My fairy tale doesn’t need to look like a Disney film. Perhaps no man will be cast in the role of Prince.  But I will have remarkably beautiful encounters with many souls, all of which I will cherish.  Many of which would never happen if I was holed up in some tower.

From Hela, in response to Surprise! The Pain of Divorce is Still Here!, and specifically in response to Stephanie and the difficult decisions a betrayed spouse must make for the sake of the children.

I raise my hand in the class…I always have something to say!! I hope you can all (kittens & C) bear with me, I apologise for the interjection…I would only like to offer a response in relation to C’s question about the potential for your son to either respect your choices or feel a sense of duty toward you in the future.

My dad had an affair. My mother chose to stay for her own reasons but mostly for us kids. I have the unenviable experience that allows me to provide insight on how my moms choice to stay affected my feelings toward her as I grew up.

At the height of the affair I was 16 and a typical teenage girl. Attitude and opinion were on form. My brothers and I knew what was going on, even my baby brother at 6 was affected. I protected them as best I could through the fallout at home, often telling my mom to leave my dad. On one particularly nasty occasion I called her a coward for not walking away from the man, it is the only time (rightly so) she has ever slapped me. I stood by my mom none the less and eventually the affair ended.

My parents never dealt with the affair, it’s causes etc…they just moved on in a cloud of denial. It lingered though, the affects on us. A few years ago mom apologised to me for staying with him, saying if she had left then we children would not have the emotional scars we carry. I was shocked by her admission. For the first time ever, I let my mom know how sorry and how wrong I was to have called her a coward. Now an adult myself, I could fully appreciate her sacrifice for her children and what it cost her. I let my mother know that despite the pain and the scars her children learnt the grace of forgiveness. We learnt the strength in fortitude and we were truly in awe of her strength of character.

It takes enormous courage to stay in a marriage with a man who betrays all the good you believed in him. My mother is no coward, she is the bravest woman I know. You would never know this meeting her. She is so unassuming, yet she is a warrior. She needed to hear me tell her these things so she could finally forgive herself for staying.

A woman who worked part time, in a country that did not have beneficial divorce criteria meant my mom chose to put her kids through the lesser evil. Whether she had left or stayed, there was going to be pain. She chose the best option she could for her babies and put herself last. There are no words beautiful enough to describe the way I feel about my mother and who she is as a person.

I feel no obligation to the love I have for my mother, only a fierce loyalty and respect. How you handle yourself and your anger toward his father will affect how your son eventually views you. I do not know how old your little one is, rest assured though it is not your responsibility to coach your husband to be a better father. My mom never did. She focused her energy on stabilising us and her relationship with us. At some point my dad meshed with that relationship, no conflict just a subtle slide into a healthy emotionally stable unit that didn’t need him. He needed us.

Forgiveness, mom admits she took a very long time on this one but ultimately she figured she was tired. Tired of feeling inwardly angry with the occasional outward hint of venom toward dad. She wanted more for herself and decided (just like that!!) one day to let it go, her disappointment, her bitterness gone. She says it freed her, she felt lighter, happier and it allowed her to live a life on her terms. To quote, “I took my power back”.

Ultimately it’s all subjective. Our experiences are just that…ours. What I can say from the daughter of a warrior in your shoes Stephanie, is that if you are true to who you are through this. If you manage it with grace and dignity. You will reap what you sow.

I see my parents this week for the first time in almost a year, they live half a world away from me now and I miss them painfully. I love and respect them both, but I am so incredibly proud to be my mothers daughter.

I am so incredibly proud to be my mother’s daughter, too.  Hela’s words remind me of the need for patience and maturity and discernment as my every choice is creating a memory for the dudes.

From Hela, also in response to Surprise! The Pain of Divorce is Still Here! 

It’s a spiritual as well as scientific concept…what you focus on you attract. Resonance can be a bitch. Fear based emotions etc can cause a frenetic life. Moving past the fear is not easy, it takes trust and letting go. You need to absolutely trust that the Universe is sorting it all out for your betterment. External circumstances may look dire…trust that no matter what it looks like, it’s about to get better. It’s the most difficult spiritual lesson I have ever had to learn…but it has never failed me. 

I commit to focus on gratitude, love, magic, Nature, the Universe, God, good vibes and good times.  I create my reality.  The dialogue I have with myself is the barometer of events to come.  I have no reason to doubt the perfect nature of the Universe.  I have been treated so well to date.  So, farewell doubts! Hello, to the now!

Thank you, Mom.  You always know exactly the right thing to say.  At exactly the right time.

Love yourself,

Cleo

 

PS:  Massive love, hugs and high fives for Goddess L at DivorcedMoms.com for painstakingly migrating over each comment ever posted at HGM by hand.  They couldn’t be done any other way.  Today’s post and her labors say what I’ve always felt – Your words are magic.  They’ve helped me to heal, they’ve made me ponder.  Thank you.