So I’m not going on a trip to Yachats with Mr. Jackpot. And here’s how it went down.
You recall this little Genius Gem:
‘I will arrange for what I need in coverage. Please advise as to your departure time and return expectation when you can so that I can plan accordingly. Thanks.’
The solution was The Mother Genius.
One time back East, when my youngest was about 18 months (affair in full swing – I’m blown away by this), he fell while race walking, toddler style. The Mother Genius took off. Eyes all a googly, hands in the air. If I had looked across the table at any of you, we would have burst out laughing. This is not a calm woman. Imagine an earthquake striking while The Mother Genius is here, alone, with her grandchildren. They’d cart her out in a bag.
“I’ll cancel my trip.”
I assured him it was because I didn’t want to put anyone in a position of having to make expensive, last minute travel plans just so I could get away for a few days. (That’s a stretch.) And that I wanted to be with the boys if he wasn’t with them. (100% true.) Mainly, it just didn’t feel right to be going. The only reason why I planned a trip to begin with was because he asked me to vacate the house so he could stay with the boys. I wasn’t looking to jet off on holiday. If he wasn’t going to be coming then why should I be going?
A week with Mr. Jackpot would have been an interesting adventure. I am disappointed that I’m not going to spend that time with him. I wonder if we would have shed our collective stress along the dunes of central Oregon and come to find two very different people standing there on Day 4. Relaxed. Light. Open. I believe we would each be seeing parts of the other for the first time. And I’m not talking about body parts. (Ba Da Bump) Rather, places inside exposed through talk, and being relaxed, feeling safe. Places where emotions like to hide out and fester. I was really curious about what I would discover about myself on this trip, because Mr. Jackpot is my most unforgiving mirror and nature strips me bare. Alas, I’ll never know.
Mr. Jackpot was very understanding. At least while on the phone with me. But he zeroed right in on wanting to know why I just acquiesced to The Genius’ new schedule. After I had the afternoon to think about it, it was clear to me that I needed to be home with the children that week. Regardless of The Genius’ schedule. I didn’t cave in, I stepped up. All signs were pointing to a change in plans and I wasn’t going to ignore them even though it meant I wouldn’t get what I wanted.
I wasn’t supposed to go with Mr. Jackpot to Oregon. Not this time, no matter how enticing. By us going together, while we would have talked through a bunch of stuff, we would have been ignoring things that can only be addressed when one is alone. We would have each other to fall back on when the excavation hit a snag. I have more alone time than Mr. Jackpot does by a mile. He needs a break from everyone and everything. To just be. And excavate alone.
The feeling that he needs to go alone is a strong one. A mini Vision Quest is in order. I don’t know if he is going to do it, but I bet if he did it would be magical. He is at a crossroads on so many levels, with so much freedom to choose how to live his life right now, that a week alone on the coast might help to illuminate his way, lead him back to himself so he can move forward with a greater sense of knowing.
I had just gotten a taste of what ‘knowing’ was all about with the recent phone call with The Genius. The fear of making a move towards your future vanishes. The right choices become clear once we see through what we want to what we really need. Once we look with eyes that are ready to see. Then, when we take care of our needs, we uncover treasure that far exceeds our life’s wants combined.
That is why I’m not all woe is me. It feels crappy to cave in, mope around, be a martyr. I’d rather be content knowing I am making the right choices which will lead me to exactly where I want to be when I’m ready to be there. The right daily choices, even though the payoff may be far down the road. I’m just now starting to discern between an emotion that needs to be released and drama that I’m creating to emote. By choosing to not throw a tantrum because I’m not going to be hiking Fern Canyon in 3 weeks shows me that I am letting go of outcomes, and I’m learning discernment (more on this in an upcoming post – fascinating in its application), and I’m creating what I ultimately need even if it doesn’t jive with what I want, and recognizing how it feels in my center to be on the right path, making the right choices.
So now Mr. Jackpot wants me to go to Namibia.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Bravo!
A,
Grazie!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Makes you wonder….what is it that you are really divorcing?
You are lucky to have two little boys. You said earlier that your sons would be different. And now we know why.
P,
You’ve hit on something huge. I’m not just divorcing The Genius, I’m divorcing a way of life. I will write on this soon. As most Moms would say, the greatest achievement I can realize is to raise two morally sound, happy and intuitive boys who have a real zest for life. That’s my goal. And I’m going to slay it.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for giving me such a juicy morsel to ponder.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I have been reading your blog since I learned about it on SF Chronicle. Your blog is such an inspiration (well, my therapy too!). I divorced about a year ago but still find myself mourning and thinking what could I have done differently. Your blog helps me to remind myself to live in present and make the right choices (I basically gave my guy the ultimatum and he gave in, definitely not the right thing to do…).
I am sorry to read that you are not going to be going to Oregon this time. I agree with you that making the right daily choices even though the results might be far down the road is better. A lot of times we are too keen on seeing instant results and do not think matters through. Impulse could be good if one truly feels that it is what one wants; but a lot of times, we ignore what the “Observer Self” is saying to us.
Thank you for your blog. It makes so much sense! I look forward to reading more!
Take care,
Wing
W,
“I agree with you that making the right daily choices even though the results might be far down the road is better. A lot of times we are too keen on seeing instant results and do not think matters through. Impulse could be good if one truly feels that it is what one wants; but a lot of times, we ignore what the “Observer Self” is saying to us.” First off, I love that you know where to use semicolons. I am at a loss…even though I paid attention in English class. Math? Not so much.
I feel a strong sense of comfort from knowing that I am not pushing things through but allowing my life to unfold as it needs. I am learning to trust. Wow. It’s a huge transition for me. Sometimes I get blue when I perceive letting go of outcomes to be losing control, but it’s the antithesis of that. I’m gaining control.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Thank you for your kind words and for simply being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh goodness, so sorry about my grammar. I use semi-colons a lot when I program. My mind is indeed very confused as I can’t even write a comment concisely. What I am trying to say it I too went through the betrayal, denial, blaming on me stages. I too have a hard time of just letting it be. But yes, it’s gaining control. Thank you so much again for your posts!
Happy Mother’s Day!
All the best,
W
PS I went out and bought The Elements of Style, will read up.
W,
I am getting that book! I will need it if I’m to ever figure out proper colon and semi-colon use. In the meantime I’ll just over use ellipses, even though that use is also incorrect. I’m just going to have to put off being a Grammar Goddess until I’ve mastered this whole life thing.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My two cents: you or The Genius should stay at a hotel (or some combination of days). You’ve probably already made plans but I just wanted to suggest that because it could be a great mini-vacation for you (or as a base for more adventures in nature) but it also seems like you and The Genius will need some rules/boundaries if he’s going to keep traveling. And maybe a babysitter to two who can sleep over if needed.
Also, it would be great if you’d share more with us about when you decided to have children and if you feel that having children impacted your marriage to The Genius. By my math, you were married to The Genius for 10 years before you had children and at some point you could probably hear your biological clock ticking I would assume.
I continue to be inspired by your writing while on my own journey.
Oh, and Namibia? Say what? I hope you’ll share more about that!
M,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Yes, I need to establish more boundaries for child care in his absence. I have arranged for a swap with a friend. I’ll take her 2 plus the boys for an overnight. Should I survive, she will take mine the following weekend. It will be amazing to be in my house alone. I haven’t had that experience since I moved in.
About the time I was 36 we started thinking about having children. The clock never bothered me, but the urge to have children did kick in. Because I wanted to have his children. Our children. I wanted to look into eyes that we created and answer questions, and giggle, and talk about the stars. With his travel schedule and my ‘advanced age’, I didn’t become pregnant until I was 39 with our first child. Travel schedule and age aside, I don’t think we were ready to bring a soul in until the time I became pregnant. I had quit my job and was preparing to head in a new direction. So I did. So we did.
Having children brought us closer in terms of having the shared experience of creating life. But it also distanced us. Newborns are all consuming, his travel schedule did not let up, and we pulled a back to back with me getting pregnant when my oldest was 16 months. The youngest was one year old when The Genius started banging The Happy Dance Chick, so I imagine having children did impact our relationship in negative ways. I am not the kind of mom that only has eyes for the baby. But I was raising two young children, he was traveling a lot (and not the kind of travel where he’s home on the weekends – weeks at a time on the road), and I started a business from home. It was a pretty crazy time. Lots of creation going on.
I chalked it up to the typical crap that couples go through when they have children. The only problem was I expected him to work through it with me because of the commitment we made to each other. Learned my lesson there.
Namibia’s in the dreaming stage right now. I should say, Mr. Jackpot is dreaming about Namibia. He asked me if I’d consider going.
I would love to. Perhaps it will be one of the beautiful experiences I create for myself in this first year of living my truth. You all will be the first to know!
Thank you for being here. We journey together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“The right choices become clear once we see through what we want to what we really need. Once we look with eyes that are ready to see. Then, when we take care of our needs, we uncover treasure that far exceeds our life’s wants combined.” That’s is so true and brilliantly put.
And your last line was a beautiful cherry bomb, kind of random in context but well executed
H,
Thank you for your kind words. And for your continued presence here. You made me smile. Smiles are delicious.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Rest assured it is not giving in. It’s called parenting. Yes, I know it sucks to have to give up your plans but you are also a parent and while that doesn’t trump your own life and your own desires their needs are more immediate.
To be honest, maybe it is a blessing in disguise that you can’t make this trip right now. While I think it is great that you and Mr. Jackpot have each other and are travelling a journey and now and then meet up on the road, somehow I do feel that going away together could confuse things and could derail your own path. There is something about hotel rooms and shared hurts that can easily add up to too much too soon. You’ve been through a trauma Cleo and to me it seems like you need to sort that out before getting tangled up in something else. Of course it is not for me or anyone else to decide what is right for you, but I just offer some food for thought.
D
D,
I love you. I can feel your concern. And I’m grateful that you care.
It’s parenting, yes, and tending to my needs. I need to be with them that week. I just know it in my soul. When things started to unravel and the trip became something that it wasn’t originally intended to be, I let go.
Is it too soon or simply not the right time? (Not that we would have shared a hotel room.) I believe that clocks change from person to person, situation to situation. Some can move fast, others slow. That’s where a commitment to one’s intuitive self and a focus on needs versus wants is so important. I’ve been having a blast looking back on my 20s and seeing the things that I did because I wanted to and looking at how they turned out. Now that I have a better sense of learning to identify my needs I am excited to see the results.
My list is beginning to form…Cleo’s Needs… You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi C,
Etosha, Swakopmund…the Skeleton Coast and the Namibian desert night sky – the best years of my life were spent growing up in Namibia.
It has you written all over it!!!
It is an amazing place to heal and well in your case with Mr J, potentially discover
aspects of yourself you weren’t always in tune with.
I am working on my intuition right now…for a thinker, it’s a toughie. Strange thing is, the more I go with it the more I seem to be meeting my needs!
Had I trusted it more on the past…I doubt I would have missed the telltale signs of infidelity. I sure as hell would have had fewer control issues.
I have yielded to my soft & fluffy intuitive side…and my needs are being met without effort on my part.
That it has taken a drama of biblical proportions (relative of course) for me to get it!!!! Well again, us wonderful A types… the Universe can’t be subtle with us can it.
If you need a guide for Namibia, you know who to call. In truth, as much as I love you…the base camp at Everest doesn’t sound thrilling to the African in me but Namibia’s dunes….hell Yes!
Keeping on with the self loving
MLP
MLP,
Why am I not surprised you lived in Namibia? Dunes? Oh, my. Side trip to hike Kilimanjaro? Oh, MLP, you are such a good influence on me.
I’ve routinely ignored my intuition as I get all caught up in my head. I can physically feel the difference. And the outcome is never good. I’ll write a post one day about my journey to my intuitive self, complete with a crazy fire walk. Not your Tony Robbins kind, but a real fire walk with 1200 degree embers and very little ash. And s l o w walkers. I took my time. I was so out of my body when I crossed that circle full of burning wood, zero ground to be seen, that I watched it from above. It was epic. The culmination of a year and half long seminar on conscious breathing and intuitive living that changed my life. I’m still Type A, but those that worked with me at the time would tell you that over that span I morphed into a new creature.
I want to go to Namibia. But the question is do I need to go?
Love yourself,
Cleo
We both need a journey to reconnect with ourselves but not sure it’s Namibia…I vote Bhutan, any country that measures it’s GDP in happiness has my vote. All that wonderful happy energy!!! You do need to spend time away, but imho not with Mr J (complete subjective of course-lest I be telling you what to do)
You need to spend quality alone time away from the familiar, I think it would help.
Question for you…have you absolutely 100% accepted the fact you are getting divorced or is there a small part of you that wonders about reconciliation?
MLP
Xxx
MLP,
I had a dream the other morning that I kissed The Genius. When I woke up I felt nauseous. Reconciling with The Genius would be the equivalent of selling my soul. Nothing in the world is worth that. I’d rather be alone for all my days than to be with him. The depth of his betrayal is what has me feeling so strongly about my answer. Not bitterness or anger. Simply the fact that I can never trust him so why would I ever want to engage in a relationship with him?
The best thing about being a recent transplant to Marin is that not much is familiar. I have only dipped my toe in the waters of the Bay area. So much to see and do. I tell the Universe that I am open to any adventure. Bring it. If it resonates, I’m there. If I’m alone, beautiful. If I’m not, beautiful, too.
I hear Argentina calling….
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi C,
I completely understand your reasoning. My motives for asking the question, I am ashamed to say…we’re self serving.
I was literally abandoned by my ex when he ran away from home with his new shiny 25 year old, yet there is a part of me that wants to reconcile.
Why ?????? I still cannot answer this without confusion, so I asked…what would Cleo do? does she vaccillate on this point or…is she certain. Hence the question.
You’re emphatic, I envy that clarity. I need to choose so I can get on with my life…that I harbour this notion is clearly keeping me stuck. Time to move on.
Ooooooooh Argentina/Chile amazing red wines and I am a copious consumer of the red vino. Yes my dear, Argentina sounds perfect…do I still have to hike?
MLP
Xxx
MLP,
No, you can simply tango. I’ll hike during the day and find you kicking up your heels with some strong Latin man in a dark, red-draped dance hall down an ally in Buenos Aires. I’ll be the one in the green dress. With steak sauce on the corner of my mouth.
Maybe it’s not time to move on, but rather to sit with this idea of reconciliation. Do you want to reconcile with him? Of do you want to reconcile within you what has happened to your marriage? Is it the fear of the unknown that has you longing for that which is familiar? Or do you love him so much that you want to fight for him? Who do you love more – you or him? Just questions that came from my heart through my fingers to here. Perhaps something to ponder there.
As you stare at the moon…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh my dear. After hearing your last words of wisdom directed to me when I disclosed to you my husbands affair I wanted to tell you that I already do all of those things…thankfully ie; pay attention to smells like the soap I wash my hands with, hot water running and get down to the earth. Bay Area born and raised how I LOVE and appreciate the nature that is ALL around me. The only thing I have a HUGE problem with is what you appear to be REALLY good at…alone time. Having been with my ‘genius’ since I was a kid, literally, I have not had ANY alone time. I would rather stay home in these 4 walls then to be out there in the crazy world alone. Although a trip say to Esalen in Big Sur sounds glorious; I literally think I’d go crazy. I’m social. So….do I talk to people while I’m ‘alone’ or do I keep to myself with all the crazy thoughts in my head afraid I’ll die alone (I know that’s extreme but that’s my head). PLUS I’m a big scaredy cat. “You’re afraid of your own shadow” he says.
Forever Grateful to you and your blog…and a bridge away
B,
Forever grateful to you for being here, m’lady. I’ve always been really good at being alone, and I am a social person, too. I like the balance. You won’t go crazy. The opposite. You’ll marvel at the world inside you that will open up if you knock on the door. And when you get inside you won’t believe how rich and fulfilling the time spent there will be.
I find that when I’m out in public alone I draw to me only that which works for me. If I want to engage in a conversation it tends to happen, and if I want to be left completely alone I am. Mainly I spend my alone time on the trails where I have the best ‘hellos’ and ‘good mornings’, and loads of time where I only see banana slugs and snakes.
I also find that when we don’t want to do something that we know deep down we need to do, we need to just do it. The Universe loves to reward bravery. Love your fears. You’re safe if you follow your intuition. Please, if you can, leave early in the morning and go somewhere for one overnight. Come back at the end of the next day. Take a journal, a pen, and a flower for your date. Yourself, that is.
And then come tell me about it!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your children thank you! What a great mom you are.
B,
Thank you, B. That felt good to read.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Again I am impressed with your ability to look at these situations with an eye to understanding yourself, your emotions, and your needs. I realize that with a blog all of this seems magical and effortless, but that in reality it took a lot of effort and time to get to this point. That is what I keep working towards and it very difficult thing to accomplish. I’m not even sure how to get to a quiet place where I can let me self reflect.
Also, please go to Namibia!
M,
How astute of you to note the difference between living it and writing about it in a word count that works for a blog! You m’lady are brilliant. In many ways.
When you think about going to a quiet place to reflect does anything tense up inside of you? Your chest? Your core? If so, I swear it’s the brain. ‘Oh, goodness, don’t go there! Don’t get all wrapped up in your intuitive self because then I may become expendable!’ It just occurred to me – literally this second so this is not thought out – that perhaps the push-back to reflection or meditation is a survival move executed by the brain. Could you imagine if we are evolving such that the brain will eventually come second to the heart? The soul? (It already does in my opinion.) I bet that wouldn’t go down well with a brain wired for survival.
My head gets in the way a lot. It’s a good thing I appreciate it or I might lop it off.
My head says, “You can’t go to Namibia.” Where’s that hand saw…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for this blog! My husband and I have really enjoyed reading it. He actually brought it to my attention some weeks back (“listen to what a total prick this guy is…and with two small kids…”) and it started a lot of good conversations with us about cheating, why people cheat, why some people are never content, et cetera. I’m so impressed with your getting in touch with you, finding what you need, finding the strength you need each day. I have laughed and cried in your journey, and thank you for sharing.
Two things jumped out at me tonight: one is what you said about being brave and loving your fears. I have found in my life that the most rewarding things I have ever done – every single one of them from going off to college to first getting on an airplane to having a child – have all been scary. The best things in life can be terrifying to contemplate. Even just meeting new people and being open to encounters is scary some days…
The second thing is what I tell my three year old every day at some point: It’s written in St. Mick but I’ve forgotten chapter and verse: ” you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you’ll find you get what you need”. I’m rooting for you Cleo! Keep up the good work!
H,
I absolutely love knowing that you are both reading HGM together. What a fantastic way to be proactive about keeping your relationship whole, grounded and true. Does he have a brother? I kid…
Thank you for your kind words. I am grateful that some of what I write resonates with you.
My needs will always be met. With love. And laughter. And as long as you guys stop by.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are an amazing person. I want to be more like you. (I’ve even thought of visiting the places you mention to see if I can find you and figure out who you are, seeing as you’re not 20 miles from me – I’m sure you are as awesome in person as you are in writing.) But I think I’d probably have to go through more adversity to get to where you are and who you are. I’m half-kidding, and I’m not making light of your life. But I realize that I could really use some of those qualities that you’ve seemed to acquire/nurture as a result of your experiences. Thanks for being so inspiring.
Silly, I know. And I hope you get to Namibia with Mr. J in the near future (not just for the sex scene). You deserve it!
By the way, I sometimes feel like I’m reading a novel when I read your blog. (I don’t know if that’s good or bad.) For a minute I thought, “I wonder when the sex scene will happen…”
L,
You are so sweet. I aim to be able to live up to your high praise. I will be amazing some day, and hopefully amazed and overjoyed at what I have been able to accomplish. Right now, I’m just a girl figuring it out as she goes along.
I’ve thought about the first time someone says to me in person, “Are you Cleo?” I will laugh my big laugh and say, Yes. I’ll be on Tam this weekend, in case you’re wondering…
Reading it as a novel? Nothing wrong with that. When I read your comment about the sex scene I lost it. Laughed for five minutes straight. I’m all about sharing, but… Actually, I don’t think there’s any area that is off-limits. For you, L, I promise a sex scene. I just might be alone. Not sure how exciting that’s going to be for you!
But if I were to go to Namibia…can anyone really experience that and not be moved to get naked?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Don’t worry, I don’t really expect you to share the sex scene – I have plenty of Violet Blue to help me there.
And have fun on Mt. Tam – I dream of the day when I can not feel too guilty to go somewhere alone for an entire day and just be alone with my thoughts and no work to do.
L,
How ’bout this…I’ll do a fantasy post as a breather from all the excavation. My fantasy week in Namibia…
I’ll need steak and wine for that.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have thought about this for days: “Then, when we take care of our needs, we uncover treasure that far exceeds our life’s wants combined.”
I have always thought: “I want the cookie” – “I Need to lose 10 lbs.” (full stop) — I’ve never taken it to the next thought: When I choose my needs over my wants a world of untold wonder awaits….
Wow, just Wow.
Thanks
E,
So psyched you pulled that out! While I took it that one step further, you resonated with it. That circles back to me as affirmation. There’s nothing wrong with a little outside affirmation now and then.
Makes me say, Wow, too. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo