So I’m not going on a trip to Yachats with Mr. Jackpot. And here’s how it went down.
You recall this little Genius Gem:
‘I will arrange for what I need in coverage. Please advise as to your departure time and return expectation when you can so that I can plan accordingly. Thanks.’
The solution was The Mother Genius.
One time back East, when my youngest was about 18 months (affair in full swing – I’m blown away by this), he fell while race walking, toddler style. The Mother Genius took off. Eyes all a googly, hands in the air. If I had looked across the table at any of you, we would have burst out laughing. This is not a calm woman. Imagine an earthquake striking while The Mother Genius is here, alone, with her grandchildren. They’d cart her out in a bag.
“I’ll cancel my trip.”
I assured him it was because I didn’t want to put anyone in a position of having to make expensive, last minute travel plans just so I could get away for a few days. (That’s a stretch.) And that I wanted to be with the boys if he wasn’t with them. (100% true.) Mainly, it just didn’t feel right to be going. The only reason why I planned a trip to begin with was because he asked me to vacate the house so he could stay with the boys. I wasn’t looking to jet off on holiday. If he wasn’t going to be coming then why should I be going?
A week with Mr. Jackpot would have been an interesting adventure. I am disappointed that I’m not going to spend that time with him. I wonder if we would have shed our collective stress along the dunes of central Oregon and come to find two very different people standing there on Day 4. Relaxed. Light. Open. I believe we would each be seeing parts of the other for the first time. And I’m not talking about body parts. (Ba Da Bump) Rather, places inside exposed through talk, and being relaxed, feeling safe. Places where emotions like to hide out and fester. I was really curious about what I would discover about myself on this trip, because Mr. Jackpot is my most unforgiving mirror and nature strips me bare. Alas, I’ll never know.
Mr. Jackpot was very understanding. At least while on the phone with me. But he zeroed right in on wanting to know why I just acquiesced to The Genius’ new schedule. After I had the afternoon to think about it, it was clear to me that I needed to be home with the children that week. Regardless of The Genius’ schedule. I didn’t cave in, I stepped up. All signs were pointing to a change in plans and I wasn’t going to ignore them even though it meant I wouldn’t get what I wanted.
I wasn’t supposed to go with Mr. Jackpot to Oregon. Not this time, no matter how enticing. By us going together, while we would have talked through a bunch of stuff, we would have been ignoring things that can only be addressed when one is alone. We would have each other to fall back on when the excavation hit a snag. I have more alone time than Mr. Jackpot does by a mile. He needs a break from everyone and everything. To just be. And excavate alone.
The feeling that he needs to go alone is a strong one. A mini Vision Quest is in order. I don’t know if he is going to do it, but I bet if he did it would be magical. He is at a crossroads on so many levels, with so much freedom to choose how to live his life right now, that a week alone on the coast might help to illuminate his way, lead him back to himself so he can move forward with a greater sense of knowing.
I had just gotten a taste of what ‘knowing’ was all about with the recent phone call with The Genius. The fear of making a move towards your future vanishes. The right choices become clear once we see through what we want to what we really need. Once we look with eyes that are ready to see. Then, when we take care of our needs, we uncover treasure that far exceeds our life’s wants combined.
That is why I’m not all woe is me. It feels crappy to cave in, mope around, be a martyr. I’d rather be content knowing I am making the right choices which will lead me to exactly where I want to be when I’m ready to be there. The right daily choices, even though the payoff may be far down the road. I’m just now starting to discern between an emotion that needs to be released and drama that I’m creating to emote. By choosing to not throw a tantrum because I’m not going to be hiking Fern Canyon in 3 weeks shows me that I am letting go of outcomes, and I’m learning discernment (more on this in an upcoming post – fascinating in its application), and I’m creating what I ultimately need even if it doesn’t jive with what I want, and recognizing how it feels in my center to be on the right path, making the right choices.
So now Mr. Jackpot wants me to go to Namibia.