My ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic) is quite a stupid man. He portrays himself as brilliant, smart, honest, kind, and soft-spoken when you first meet him.
But after time, his complete stupidity comes out. You see, anyone can pretend to be any kind of person for a time. But sooner or later, the real “you” comes out and, in Rob’s case, it’s not pretty.
The REAL Rob the Great is an alcoholic, liar, screaming, abusive bully who is really quite stupid. He was stupid during our marriage and he was really stupid once we split.
His mistakes made our divorce go in my direction. I won literally everything I wanted (and was entitled to) because he behaved so stupidly. And, ladies, if you are in the midst of a divorce (or a court battle), you can learn from his mistakes.
1. He Lied
When Rob and I split, I had just been diagnosed with cancer. I went on medical leave and entered heavy-duty treatment which included massive amounts of chemotherapy and two back-to-back stem cell transplants. I was incredibly sick. Rob proceeded to file documents with the court that accused me of being a liar, faking my cancer diagnosis, and being lazy. He demanded that I go back to work immediately. He lied about my income stream, my living situation, and tried to portray me as someone who was perfectly healthy and who was simply trying to gain sympathy with the court.
The more he lied to the court, the more I looked forward to a trial before a judge. I was totally honest in every sentence of every document I filed. I was also totally honest with my attorney. I was confident because I had nothing to hide and I didn’t need to try to keep my stories straight, like Rob did. I was transparent and, if I was deposed or got on the stand, I would not be committing perjury. I could prove every single one of his lies and it strengthened me and emboldened me.
When it came to negotiating our financial settlement, I did not budge one tiny bit. My attorney reminded me that if I divorce went all the way to court, I would need to travel back to San Diego and take the stand. I relished the opportunity– I had seen Rob try to speak before a judge and he sounded like a bumbling idiot. I knew that things would not go well for him. This confidence left me in a prime position to get every single penny I deserved. I wanted to go to court; Rob didn’t, simple as that. And as a result, Rob caved. He lost in a very big way (as he should have). He owed me a lot of money and I got every cent I was due.
Lesson: Never lie in court documents. It might be really tempting but honesty is always best, especially when it comes to anything related to court.
2. He Picked Alcohol
Rob’s alcoholism was the single reason for our horrific marriage. It ended our relationship and it ended his prior marriage, too. After I left Rob, one would think he would finally take responsibility for his addiction and behavior and attempt to truly get well. This would have meant therapy and a lot of time spent in a 12-step program, like AA. Instead of taking care of himself, he drank more than ever, which left just enough time to work, date, and drink some more. Take care of other responsibilities? When one is drunk off his ass every night, that’s impossible.
Case in point… Instead of taking care of our vacation home (which I had managed single-handedly when we were married, but could no longer due to my cancer treatment schedule), Rob sat in bars drinking. He ran contracts for renters, then cancelled them all without notice, lying to many of those renters that I had double-booked the property and it wasn’t his fault.
None of that was true, of course. Rob had actually allowed another alcoholic to move into our vacation home in the guise of making repairs. The guy he allowed into the home refused to leave. Some of the vacation renters whose plans were ruined threatened to sue Rob. Rob told his attorney that this was all my fault.
In the end, Rob was forced to evict his drinking buddy, lost credibility with his own attorney, and emboldened me further in my desire to go to court. Rob was a lying, lazy, threatening bastard and I was ready. In the end, Rob lost everything– money, reputation, assets– all so he could drink some more.
Lesson: Addiction sucks. If this is you, get help. If you’re married to or divorcing an addict, it isn’t hard to prove your point. Simply stand back and watch his disaster of a life unfold. Document it well. Do not step and “help” him. He’s terrorized you enough, it’s time to let him live with his choices.
3. He Started Dating Immediately
I’ve already written endlessly about this one. Any guy who starts dating right away instead of taking time to heal is totally fucked up in the head. And if you’re the woman dating this guy, I feel sorry for you. In Rob’s case, this alcoholic hopped on dating sites the very day I left him. He tried to set up a date with his sister-in-law’s best friend (she turned him down and everyone in Rob’s family thought he a pathetic ass). Within a few weeks, he had a new girlfriend. To her, I have this to say, “I have a half eaten sandwich, you want that, too?” She inherited a screaming, narcissistic, lying, abusive addict. Have fun with that, you deserve him.
Lesson: Read all about this one at Tempted to Date A Guy Who Just Split From His Wife? You’re Nuts and Important Lessons From A Guy Who Dated Immediately Post Split.
4. He (Tried) To Bully Me
Here I was, hooked up to chemo treatment and receiving all kinds of “sweet” texts from drunk Rob (I could always tell when he had been drinking by the tone of his texts and emails, they were ridiculous). He threatened me. If I didn’t come home, he would cancel my health insurance. If I didn’t sign his settlement agreement, he would cut off all contact with his children.
I would take down my blog (www.lizzysmilez.blogspot.com) or he wouldn’t negotiate our divorce and we would go to court. If I didn’t move my things out of our home immediately, he would throw them in the street. His threats no longer held any power over me and I ignored them all. Fuck you, I thought. Rob’s behavior left me even more determined to get my day in court and not compromise. Smart for Rob? No, it was really super stupid. But, honestly, Rob is a super stupid guy so it was expected. He lost because, well, he is stupid.
Lesson: Most bullies prey on weak women. If you refuse to be bullied, it’s amazing how cowardly and stupid they truly look. Be strong.
5. He Banked On Others Believing Him
Rob is a huge fan of himself. He reminded me endlessly during our marriage what an AMAZING guy he was and how lucky I was to have him.” Joke was on him, I’d think in my head, your wife hates you. Rob truly thinks everyone else thinks he’s a rock star, except few do. Rob really thought that he could snooker the courts and his attorney and successfully portray me as a drama queen, thief and liar. He thought wrong.
Lesson: Most narcissists think very highly of themselves. You, however, know the truth. Do not be intimidated by him.
6. He Got His Family To Back Him Up
Rob’s family are a bunch of enablers. They supported his horrific behavior throughout our marriage and during the divorce. They emboldened Rob to act stupidly and to continue drinking. Their support did nothing to help him. Rob truly needed help with this addiction. He needed people he trusted to encourage him to act with dignity. Their enabling behavior didn’t bode well for Rob. His support system helped him figuratively hang himself.
Lesson: If your friends and family and supporting your bad decisions, you need to find a new group of friends.