Can a toxic marriage make you sick? The answer is yes. Bad relationships can severely disrupt sleep patterns, cause unhealthier eating habits, and lower the immune system. This leaves our poor bodies unable to fight off sickness and disease. In my case, I truly believe that my terrible marriage helped me get cancer.
Prior to being diagnosed with multiple myeloma in January 2012, I had an insanely busy life. I worked a demanding job, tried to keep a home together with almost no help from my husband, managed a vacation home, raised two children, cared for two large dogs, and attempted to keep my marriage together. It was an incredible amount of responsibility and I was emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted.
In January 2012 when an oncologist said those dreaded words “you have cancer” my first thought was “my husband made me sick.” His inability to help me with our home, children, dogs—nothing – pushed me over the edge. Before getting cancer, I was often sick throughout our marriage. It seemed that I either had a cold or flu or stomach flu all the time. Where was my responsibility in all of this? I failed to set boundaries, was unable to just let some of the responsibilities go, and stayed in a toxic marriage far too long. This realization left me with intense anger and guilt.
Not long ago, I read a book about cancer and the author said that in most cases, there was a traumatic emotional experience about a year prior to diagnosis. I thought back to where I had been in January 2011. My husband and I had just come back from a family cruise. On that trip, he had promised me that he was going to finally quit drinking, go to regular AA meetings, and train for a marathon. He was going to be a new man! “I love you and the kids and I am going to get well, I promise.”
The rest of the year was quite the whirlwind. My husband didn’t drink (to my knowledge) for a few months. He started running and lost a lot of weight. We started getting along better. In February, I got the surprise of my life. At the age of 43, I was pregnant, my first natural pregnancy. (Despite undergoing IVF, I never could conceive and adopted both of my daughters.) We were stunned and after the shock wore off, we were rooting for the baby to make it. We told our friends and family. I miscarried. We went to Costa Rica on vacation. A few months later, I was pregnant again. I miscarried that one, too. It sucked. Hubby ran his marathon and started drinking again right after the race.
That summer, we took a family vacation. While at a friend’s lake house, I watched my husband go through a huge bottle of Jack Daniels over a three day period. When we at a hotel in Little Rock for several days, he regularly disappeared and came back reeking of alcohol and slurring words. We got home and separated because I could no longer tolerate his behavior, lies, and broken promises. He made a pledge to go back to treatment (which didn’t happen) and we moved back in together. In September, I told him that I was making plans to leave him permanently. I started a new job and we moved from a large home into a smaller one. It was an insanely busy time; I was an emotional wreck.
…And unbeknownst to me, cancer cells were proliferating throughout my body. Growing faster and faster. I didn’t know it yet, but I was becoming more and more anemic. The fact that I didn’t end up with organ failure was truly miraculous.
Yes, bad relationships can leave us prone to illness. Emotions have a powerful effect on our health. That mind-body connection? It is real. And women are more susceptible to more illnesses when in bad relationships than men. The research is in and it’s well documented. One such study conducted by Ohio State University, which released its findings in 2013, showed that women in highly stressful marriages had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol and lower levels of T-cells, which are important to the immune system to fight off infections. I have no doubt that had I been part of that study, my immune system would have been a Big Fat Zero throughout my entire marriage. Did it make me get cancer? I believe yes. Does it mean that everyone who gets cancer was in a terrible marriage? Of course not. But in my case, my body simply could no longer handle anything else. Something had to give and the consequences were enormous.
On my path to healing and beating my disease, I knew that I had to start putting my needs at the top of my priority list. I needed to rest, find peace and joy, and surround myself with people I loved. My survival depended on it. While I was, on the one hand, attempting to get well and fight off cancer, I was, on the other hand, fighting off my husband who was emotionally terrorizing me in the divorce process. Fight-heal-heal-fight. It was horrid. But once I made it through two stem cell transplants and intensive chemo, and my divorce was finalized, it was time to heal physically and emotionally. I started going to Bikram yoga and learned to connect my body and soul together. I meditated and prayed. I tried to manage stress in better ways. It’s still a process but I am trying every single day.
So what do we do about bad relationships and our health?
Leave and stay gone
We must learn to recognize when we’re in a dangerously bad marriage. Sounds obvious but it’s not. For those of us in really terrible marriage, we often ignore our innate “fight or flight” instinct. We wonder if maybe our partner isn’t as bad as we think he is. Maybe the problems in the relationship are our fault and we need to change. Maybe we can fix the marriage by being better or trying harder. Coming to the determination that it’s not fixable and it’s time to get out is the first step. Actually leaving the marriage is the next step, and this can take years, unfortunately. Once you’ve left, do not go back to the marriage and try again! Make it permanent.
Take care of yourself
Your needs and wants matter, too. Oftentimes, we women put everyone else first. But if we don’t take care of ourselves, it’s impossible to adequately take care of anyone else. We must schedule proper sleep and rest times, take emotional and mental breaks, and do things that we love.
Get well
Heal and recover. This can include therapy, support groups, massage and acupuncture, vacations, self-help books, exercise, finding or reconnecting with God or a higher power, developing healthy relationships, maybe even hypnotherapy … Whatever it is, do it and feel no guilt. Be selfish, it’s ok.
Find your support system
Lean on friends and family. Be open and honest about your marriage, why you left, and your path to healing. Seek out healthier relationships in the future. Make sure you find a partner that isn’t like your ex-husband. (Somehow, I seem to attract the same kind of man. Not sure how this happens!) Make a list of the kind of guy you’re looking for. Once you have that list, date with your eyes wide open. Listen and observe carefully. You may even want to talk to your new guy’s ex (if that’s an option) to see if there are any additional clues there. If there are disturbing patterns, run!
For me, my journey of exiting my marriage and getting healthy again has been a long road, one that I’m still traveling. I have another two months left of my two-year maintenance plan and then perhaps a lifetime of pills. I have labs every three months. And I do everything I can to maintain relationships that are healthy for me. If you’re in a toxic relationship, I hope and pray it doesn’t take a cancer diagnosis (or any other huge health crisis) for you to save yourself and leave.
FAQs About Hazards Of A Bad Marriage:
Should I return to a bad marriage and make it work?
Deciding to return to a bad marriage without resolving the issues that made you leave in the first place is a bad idea. Do not go back to a bad marriage because you will find yourself caught in the same mess you tried to get rid of by leaving. Remember how hard you have already tried before leaving your marriage when you begin to think you can fix the marriage by being better.
What does a bad marriage do to you?
A bad marriage can make you ill because negative emotions have a powerful effect on health. An Ohio State University study showed that women in bad marriages had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol and lower levels of T-cells, which fight off infections.
How do I protect my health in a bad marriage?
If you have a bad marriage, protecting your health should become your first priority. If you cannot take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anybody else. Schedule sleep and rest times, take emotional and mental breaks, and do things that we love.
What should I do after leaving a bad marriage?
You should build a network of support and form healthy relationships once you leave a bad marriage. Remind yourself that you left your marriage because it was thoroughly bad; it will help you heal and move on with your life quickly.
Do bad relationships make you sick?
Bad relationships can definitely make you sick because they raise a storm of negative emotions, which interfere with sleep patterns, lead to unhealthy eating habits, and weaken the immune system.
my marriage got me heart disease. I was married, actually going on 4 years fighting this divorce. I have a pacemaker I depend 100% of the time. I had no empathy he got it instead from his family even mine. How was he dealing with young wife with pacemaker. I also got paturitay tumors. I surfer from depression and anxiety. I was healthy before I met him 18 years of neglect and working my butt off in our Bussiness. Taking care of him and all his narc issues. He left me because i was Dix with another health issue. At the same time my surrogate was pregnant with twins. He said ” he rather pay than be with sick person” I left, I’m a single mom I wish I felt better but the 4 year divorce is taking a toll on me. So to whom ever reads this toxic is toxic. Take care of self and kids. U can do it
This is a HARD journey and I am so sorry for your struggles. Be strong and many blessings for a better day.
Lizzy
Thank you Lizzy. The sun has to come out soon.
I’m 32 and have been in an abusive marriage for 14 years with 3 kids. Therapy has taught me he has borderline narcissistic behavior. Basically when he is not high, he carries this behavior. I’m laying here now on my bed on my oldest daughters birthday barely able to muster up energy. Every holiday or birthday he turns into something terrible. He cannot stand to see others happy I’ve come to realize. Lately my weight has been dropping, my skin has become rashy and old and my hair has begun falling out. I too was recently diagnosed with anemia. Other than my toxic relationship I couldn’t understand why I got this diagnosis as I am a very healthy person. Mainly organic foods, exercise, meditation…etc. I haven’t been feeling well in the last few months, with a pain in my chest and back and difficulty breathing that hasn’t seemed to go away. I admit your article scared me. I’ve been saying for years he is going to kill me, I just wasn’t sure if I meant literally or if my body is going to do that for him.
You didn’t know after kid 1 .. then 2 …. then kid 3 … he was abusive … and it took 14 years? Ill never understand that about women. Or maybe you were too afraid to make it on your own so you hoped repeatedly having children would soften him??
Or maybe you lacked the skills and education to create the financial lifestyle you desired. No one is completely 100% victim. Not after 3 kids and 14 years. Each of you settled for whatever reason. I hope you’re no longer settling. Get better!! You don’t need him.
June…..How very rude your message is to Ashley! You must be some type of narcissist yourself to be so cold with your words!!!! I will pray for you, because I as well as many others can see YOU need it most!!!! Go crawl back under the stone cold rock you came from!
I came to this article because I believe the stress in my marriage combined with all the other stress on my life is making me sick. Currently I am undergoing tests to see what is wrong. Waiting for an answer from the doctor is scary. I think it could be cancer, or CFS, or even ALS based on my symptoms. I don’t want to leave my husband but I feel like his wandering ways and just not knowing what he is up to is literally killing me. You have such high hopes when you get married. I guess I just chose poorly.
Really regretting reading this article. Now, not only does my impending divorce cause me anxiety, stress and heartache, now I can add the fear that I’m going to get cancer from it too.
Based on this article … Then husbands with cancer can now blame their wives for making them sick. I agree a bad marriage contributes to ill health. But I think this article might be just a tad hyperbolic in fully blaming the marriage.
Not hyperbole at all, June. A toxic marriage can cause many physical ailments. Anything from migraines to lowered immune system to adrenal issues. Do your research before poo pooing someone else’s experince.
Another thing, yes a husband can blame a wife for setting the stage for him having cancer. If she is an abusive drunk who makes his life a living hell she can be blamed. Why shouldn’t she? Lizzy, the author of this blog post died in October 2016. So, out of respect for her, as the managing editor of DivorcedMoms.com, I’m going to tell you to take your judgmental self and move on along.
I am in the midst of a nightmare divorce in a toxic marriage, your words ring with truths. The stress from my workaholic alcoholic husband caused me at age 40 to have extensive diverticulitis that required major surgery. I survived the surgery but knew if I stayed I would die. The stress and torment of dealing with a sociopath during a divorce is making me sick again. I’m just hoping I can make it through this with my young son and finally heal and be happy again.
You will find that you will not find out you were in an abusive marriage till about 13/15 yrs as you start questioning there behaviour narcisstic? I’ve read about this and seen it, especially if they are Covert, so yes do some research 1st June and they do cause cancer
Most people dont get it, its covert and sadistic and can take years until you see it, know your own truth.
I am considering leaving my husband – I have been in this relationship for 26 years have two young children….but I cannot go on like this…….I fear that I might be seriously sick …..he is such a control frick and a covert aggressive….and yes he is killing me….
I wish i had read this years ago, i was already getting sick when we were dating without any realisation it was from how i was being psychologically abused, the illnesses got worse, anxiety, ibs, until 2years into the marriage i had chronic neuropathy and was bound to a wheelchair in pain from hell for a further 3 years! All this while i was so busy fighting to survive all the symptoms of weakness, chronic burning pain, nausea, hypersensitivity, confusion, hairloss, extreme sweating, abdominal pain, electric shock pains, i did not see how he was slowly killing me, while on the outside, and even to me, it looked like he was a saint looking after me. I tried to leave but was violently ill and had no support system. When i started realising there was something not right with him, i slowly built a support system, worked hard on my self care spiritually, mentally and physically until it was undeniable to see where the trauma was actually coming from. It took 2years for me to really see the cruel and covert sadist that i had trusted and given every part of myself to, was wearing a well designed mask of absolute integrity and kindness to the rest of the world. Im free now and recovering well. I can walk again, i have all my functions back, i have no more symptoms. Whether he was poisoning me or he was the poison, i will never know, but im relieved we had no children and that nightmare and 10year part of my life is over!!
If you are usually a very healthy strong and together person, and go into a relationship and start getting regularly sick and lose confidence in yourself, or unable to make easy decisions anymore..get away…..get out. Dont justify it, just get out. I hope this saves someone!
June is right you know… The truth is a painful thing, but way better than a lie.