Here are three real scenarios from couples I know well. And they have turned everything I thought about fidelity on its head.
1. The Open Marriage
Kim and Troy have been married for 25 years and have two children. If one was an outsider looking in, they are the perfect couple. They are both beautiful people, have a beautiful home with a shiny pool in the back yard, two dogs and a cat, two perfect careers, two nice cars and a boat. They are fun to be with, always up for an adventure or a night out. They laugh and are affectionate with each other.
But Kim confided in me that they have been going through a rough patch for years. Troy has been fantasizing about being with other women and wanting her to be with other partners, men or women. They are both bored and have been considering divorce for a few years. Troy cheated on Kim throughout their four year relationship prior to marriage and to this day, she thinks that maybe Troy has cheated on her after their wedding, too. Every time he texts or picks up a call, she wonders.
Finally, at Troy’s encouragement, she slept with a friend of Troy’s. They filmed it and texted it to Troy. And instead of it destroying their trust and relationship, it has revitalized it. She says they have sex all the time now, they are open with each other in ways they never have, and she actually trusts Troy because she feels, at last, he’s honest. Brutally honest, not always easy to hear. But at last, she doesn’t wonder anymore.
I asked Kim if she felt guilty about having the one-time sexual tryst with Troy’s pal. No, she said, because she did it for Troy and the outcome has been good for them. She was on the verge of a divorce and, time will tell, it has perhaps saved their marriage. I asked if she would do it again. Probably not. What will she do if Troy has an affair, or many affairs? She’s not sure she cares that much, as long as it’s “just sex.” And what if it isn’t? What if one of those “just sex” women become something more? Kim says that she and Troy are strong, they have been together so long, and that no woman will end their marriage. She’s that sure of it. And she, the jealous type, is all of a sudden, more sure of herself than ever, and not feeling so jealous anymore. She feels… at peace.
Kim has decided that she will sacrifice her monogamous marriage in order to have honesty, transparency and openness in their relationship. Honesty and almost any cost. The rules of their marriage have now changed. Will this lead to long-term happiness? Time will tell.
2. The Known Cheater (And Looking The Other Way)
When Lori met Sam, he was already married. She helped break up his marriage and it was an ugly split. Sam’s wife fought hard to keep her guy but, ultimately, she failed. A year after their divorce was final, Lori got her wish– Sam married her amidst great fanfare and a huge wedding. It’s been 15 years and they have three sons. As an outsider looking in, they are also the perfect couple. A beautiful home with a pool, two great careers, beautiful boys who are in every sport one can imagine, and one awesome Golden Retriever. Sam and Lori go to all their boys’ games and activities and they have all the beautiful photos on Facebook to prove it. They are one happy family. Except Sam cheats on Lori all the time. Whether it’s with his co-worker, the neighbor, his ex wife, or the daughter of a family friend. And Lori knows it. Most of the time, she pretends it’s not happening. But a few times, it’s been so “in her face” that she’s had no choice but to confront it. Not long ago, she asked Sam to end his current affair. He promised. She demanded they go to counseling. He agreed. But then Lori never made that counseling appointment. Truth is, she doesn’t want to go to counselors, she doesn’t want to confront any of it. She wants the image and her intact family. Lori explains to me that she loves Sam and she’s going to save her marriage– period. They have their children, home and, well, there you have it.
In Lori’s defense, she knew what she was getting when she married Sam. She got a serial cheater. She wasn’t the only one that Sam cheated on when he was married to his first wife. Lori knew the rules of the game of life with Sam and she’s willing to play it. As long as Sam keeps the affairs out of her face, Lori will ignore it. For Sam, his job is to keep the cheating hidden. At least Lori isn’t demanding her husband become a different guy just because he married her.
Is this a healthy relationship? Um, no. But there are couples like Sam and Lori all around us. And I suppose if they are decent to each other, then the children never need to go through the trauma of a divorce and that’s a good thing. Right?
3. The Quiet Cheater
Mira and Chris married two years ago. During their three year courtship, Mira caught Chris cheating on her. She broke up with him but Chris came back, promising that he changed. After many months, Mira believed Chris, they reconciled and got married. I know Chris well and he tells me a lot about what goes on behind Mira’s back. He has cheated on Mira twice. He feels huge guilt but he can’t help it. Mira pretends that she trusts Chris and if she ever finds out, I’m quite certain she would divorce him. Mira is constantly checking Chris’ phone and emails. She has also been known to show up at his work unannounced, and even the occasional guy’s fishing weekend, to ensure he really is where he says he is. Chris finds it really annoying. Mira feels she’s going insane. How long can their marriage survive? Probably not for long.
…And there are five options
As much as I’ve thought about these three stories over the past many months, I’ve decided there are five options for ladies who date (or are married to) cheaters:
1. End it. There are men who don’t cheat. Find one.
2. Open up the relationship. Allow it, value honesty, and put your jealousy and fear aside or otherwise you’ll go insane.
3. Look the other way, again and again and again. You’ll live a life of dishonesty, but if you value your family and guy more, then perhaps you can live with it.
4. Make yourself crazy by always looking for signs that your guy is cheating. There will never be peace in your life and when you do catch him, you can take the moral high road and blame, scream and… live with it until the next time. Or eventually end the relationship when you’ve finally had enough of the insanity.
5. Decide to simply trust your guy. Don’t look for signs he’s cheating. Simply take your relationship at face value.
I just wanted to chime in on choice #1. My ex and I did that, it was fun, and it was also based on really open and honest communication.
I believed that her and I had that, and I thought we had absolute trust. I constantly asked her after she met up with other guys if things were still ok with us and if she still loved me. She assured me that we were and that she did.
She met a man who blew her socks off and she fell in love with him. She told me we would have been done regardless of meeting him and that he was the straw that broke the camels back and that he made her realise how unhappy she was with me.
I disgree that we would have been done, but I have no idea since I can’t see things that never happened. I do think had she stuck to the open communication part, and told me how truly unhappy she was we could have maybe had a chance.
Sadly she lied to me with the mistaken belief that she wanted to make it work with me and that telling me just how unhappy she was would have caused the relationship to unravel. Well here we are, on our own journey in a way that she feared.
My point is and a warning to people who choose #1, is to remain brutally honest about how you feel in the state of your main relationship, even if you think it will hurt your partner and potentially unravel everything.
I am not against open relationships, despite my experiences, I just preach that if you are in one, stay honest.
Also know that your partner may fall in love with someone else, it’s possible and is what happened with myself and my ex. I thought her and I had the strength to do this and we gambled and I was wrong.
She only met him two weeks prior to leaving me and aside from a few arguments we’d have now and again things seemed pretty ok between us.
It also added to our sex life tremendously and that was terrific. It also allowed us to be honest in ways most couples can’t be. Like who we were attracted to etc. It was fun I will admit.
Wesley,
Thank you for sharing your story. For the record, I could never have an open relationship. I have no doubt that it can provide a sexual charge in the bedroom and can be exciting. But at what cost? For me, it would come at the cost of turning me into a frightened woman every moment. Was my mate sleeping with someone he liked better than me? Maybe getting a girl pregnant? Or bringjng home an STD? For me, openly cheating on each other would mean that we are both looking for something “else” or “something better” because we were not enough for the other. I don’t see how that can bring true trust and stability in a relationship. I could never be at peace, or experience joy at face value. I would always be wondering, and wondering, and… well, wondering. I don’t believe that is healthy. But even having this debate has been eye opening. And relationships are at the rull spectrum of totally faithful to totally not. Thank you again and I hope your next relationship is better.
oops wrong post sorry about that
oops wrong post sorry about that
This comment is from a reader, Curtis. I am reposting for Curtis as is. Here it is in its entirety…
Call me crazy Lizzy, but:
Option 1 seems like a good one. Buh bye. Unless it is a one time thing and the relationship changes for the better, dramatically, I could maybe see it. Hmm maybe not.
Option 2 – not so good for the long haul but maybe fun in the short run. Opening the relationship could add spice, etc, but it seems to me that open and casual sex is more difficult for people than they let on and also when people do engage i this they seem to be more affected than they realize, especially women. Partners could fall for another, become desensitized, engage in risky behaviour that affects the relationship or it seems begin to hide and not be honest. If person is not affected then that in itself should raise concerns. That said I have known a couple for 25 years who are happily married, that engaged in an open marriage for 8 years and say it was beneficial. When the wife started to lie and not be open, they discussed the issue and just quit as they thought it was becoming detrimental.
Option 3 of living a lie seems like the road to depression, anger and a wasted life.
Option 4 Seems reasonable in the short term after learning about an affair but if you are staying in the marriage, then this cannot continue as you will drive yourself crazy and drive the other person away emotionally and physically.
Option 5 – Isn’t that what most of us do and what we should do in a marriage or committed relationship? I am not saying bury your head in the sand but should you really be looking? If so isn’t there a problem?
My exwife and I had a semi-open marriage. She’s bi and I reluctantly had given her the green light for the occasional fling with some rules. Not all of the time, no men (not even watching), open and honest with me about who, when, where, etc… (it was supposed to be the equivalent of blowing off steam at the gym), open and honest with her partner about what our deal was, who I was, and what my limits were, and not in our back yard or in anyway (including photos, videos, texts, social media) that could embarras me.
It mostly worked. She was a lot happier in general. The best phase was when she had a BFF with benefits (I’m still friends with her).
There were some major down sides ( I know, hard to believe). It was a one-sided freedom. I was not free or interested in something extra on the side. There was an external boom-bust breakup cycle (excited by someond new, sad as it came to an end) that ebbed and flowed independent of me or our marriage. I became the boring guy at home with the kids and the animals. And in the end, she couldn’t stick to the rules, which is why we are no longer married. She started breaking the rules, then hiding it from me, then resenting that she had to hide it, etc…until she had worked her self into a position where I was the bad guy.
If I had to do it all over again? I probably would. To erase it means elimiating all of the good too. I’ve thought about the other variations on how to deal with who she was, like old skool (no you can’t take a lover) or nothing outside – bring it home (threesomes are actually kind of awkward in real life). In the end I don’t think they would have worked. She had a level of freedom that few married people get and still couldn’t stick to the plan. I loved her (still do in so many ways). We have great kids. We are still friends and work together to raise our children. The funny thing is that when I woried that it would all end, I assumed that it would be that she found the woman of her dreams and was going to live the rest of her life out as a lesbian, but that’s not what happened at all.