I grew believing that marriage would be amazing. I’d fall in love and the two of us would have a beautiful wedding and then live the rest of our lives in bliss with kids and a nice home and vacations and lots of laughter.
And then reality set in.
My marriage started off with the fairytale but things went sour really fast. Instead of an amazing hubby, I got an alcoholic, which meant a home filled with chaos and abuse. The more I felt belittled, the less I liked him. At the end of the day, the only way to fix anything was by getting out.
There is a fine line between trying a bit harder to make a marriage work and pulling the plug entirely. And where that line should be drawn is different for each person. But there are a few signs that showed my marriage was in deep trouble and wasn’t fixable.
1. We couldn’t make plans together
My ex and I loved hosting parties and going out. But as the relationship deteriorated, I dreaded making any plans that involved other people or that cost any money to cancel at the last minute. I literally never knew from one moment to the next if we would be getting along.
One time, we scheduled an 11-day cruise but got in a huge fight a few days prior. I refused to go. I stayed home instead and I experienced something I hadn’t with him in, well, forever…peace. I tasted what life would be like without him and it was nice.
Another instance, we invited several people over for a dinner party. Earlier that day, we got in another huge argument. When our guests arrived, we couldn’t sit at the same table together. To make matters worse, he openly ridiculed me in front of everyone. It was horrendous and embarrassing.
When one of the things I originally liked best about “us” (our love of socializing) was over, it was bad news.
2. Abuse reared its ugly head (physical or emotional)
I have a good friend who was abused by his wife. She literally beat the shit out of him one night. It was the last time it happened. He left the home immediately, filed a police report and got custody of the children. (If this happens to you, you must do the same. Make sure you notify the authorities so you have a record of it. You’ll surely need it for the legal battle ahead of you.)
While my ex never hit me, the emotional abuse I endured was just as damaging as physical abuse– the wounds were just harder to see and recognize. I started journaling and keeping detailed logs. It helped. I saw a therapist and joined a support group. I started plotting my escape.
3. There was contempt
When I was still married, I went to Alanon and individual therapy. I thought that if I changed the way I behaved around my ex, that perhaps he would change, too. My therapist told me something very powerful: once contempt had entered into a marriage, it was almost impossible to fix.
4. The sex sucked
When things fall apart in the bedroom, it’s probably falling apart everywhere else. Initially, my ex and I had sex several times a week. But the more chaotic our marriage became, the sex became almost intolerable for me. It got to the point where sex was a chore and I “put out” just to get him to stop screaming at me for a few minutes. Still, I found ways to stay in control of my body and feelings while having sex, even if it was in a passive way. I wish I had a camera on the ceiling because it would have been comical to watch me during our “intimate” moments. I would literally make faces, write my name backwards in the air, mouth words (like “boring”)… Towards the end, I refused to kiss him during sex. When a friend asked me what I’d do if I found him having sex with another woman, I realized that I would be relieved—it would finally give me the “out” I was looking for. That wasn’t good news. I realized how little I cared about him anymore. All goodwill I once had for him had vanished.
5. The thought of life without him became dreamy
I used to drive around our neighborhood and attend open houses. I would envision how perfect the house would be for our two daughters and me. Several times, I made out a budget for life without my husband. I called an attorney and paid $300 for a consult on how to prepare for a divorce. My future dreams and plans didn’t include him.
…At the end of the day
All of these signs show how desperate I was in my marriage. But yet I hadn’t left yet. I was still holding out hope that things would somehow magically change and our family could heal. I didn’t want to put the children through a divorce. I wanted a functioning family. One evening, I was saying goodnight to my 11 year old daughter and she asked me in a very sincere way, “Mommy, why do you let Daddy treat you that way?”
That question rocked my world. In that instance I knew that staying in the marriage wasn’t benefitting the girls either. The way my husband was treating me was unacceptable. It wasn’t ok for me, and it wasn’t ok for them either.
Divorce is horrible. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I realize that there are worse things than a divorce—and a bad marriage is one of them.
It appears via your script that he was a (functional) alcoholic.
Did you ever ask him to go for detox/therapy?
Did you ever seek a therapist instead of an attorney?
If my spouse moved out of state with the kids, I also would be upset and file a contempt of court motion. Can you explain why exactly you did this?
Why do you think she should explain anything to you? If you want to know more about her read her articles. She has shared in those what she feels comfortable sharing.
My father was a “functional” alcoholic. He worked the same job for 30 years, provided his family with a great home, his daughters with new cars when they turned 16 and never took us shopping that he didn’t buy shoes to match the new dress we got.
He also made our life a LIVING HELL every weekend that rolled around. I was on antidepressants at 16, had full blown panic attacks at 22 and all because my mother refused to leave someone who put alcohol before the well-being of his family.
Please don’t come here with the expectation that anyone owes you an explanation for how they chose to deal with their marital problems. And especially not a woman who invested years in a marriage to an alcoholic, gave birth to two children AND survived cancer.
And if you will allow me to I will educate you on divorce laws. Her husband had the right to file for a divorce the moment she left the state and have his children returned to him. He was living in the state of residency of the children. If he failed to do that, he is responsible not Lizzy. Alcoholics aren’t notorious for behaving in a responsible manner though, not even the “functional” ones. I would image that is why she still lives in another state with her children. And good for her for protecting them!
Robbie:
1. Yes, more times than I can count. He would go to AA for a week or two and stop going. He would say he was at an AA meeting when, in fact, he was at the bars drinking. He got an alcohol therapist and went twice. But then he’d promise to go to therapy and AA again, which never happened more than once or twice.
2. I set up countless appointments with therapists. After showing up a few times, he stopped going. I was typically the only one at those appointments. I went to Alanon sessions 2-3 times a week trying to learn how to cope better. Where was he? At the bars.
3. There was no contempt of court motion. I left to find the best myeloma treatment hospital I could find, and one near where I had fulltime caregivers to help get me through two stem cell transplants. I took the kids with me because leaving them with an alcoholic who often drove with them in the car after he was drinking was a really bad idea. If he had fild a motion to force me home, I would have pleaded my case to a judge and done what was necessary. The reality is that when faced with the choice to drink or try to raise kids, that was an easy choice for my ex.
Alcoholism is a horrific and heartbreaking disease. I wish I could have “healed” him but I couldn’t. Also note that alcoholism ended his first marriage and he hid his disease from me until several months after we were married. When I started noticing alarming behavior, he finally confessed to me that he was an alcoholic. I was clueless before then. I had never dated an alcoholic or lived with one. I simply didn’t know the signs. I do now.
I commend you. You hit it completely. There are signs, and signs are different for everyone. After i found out about my now ex husband’s affair. I had one request. For him not to talk or see her (mistress) for a period of one week. We would talk in a week after i had time to think and so would he. At the end of the week, I asked my question. It was such an important question. Did you see or talk to her? His answer was half. He talked to her but didn’t see her. I knew right then and there what i had to do. Even though i was willing before his answer to try to work it out. Divorce was the only option we had. If he couldn’t follow such a simple request now, he would have an even harder time following requests to work out the marriage later. Marriage rebuilding takes time, faith, trust and huge effort from BOTH involved. If effort is only one sided it will eventually fail, with lots more pain, than cutting it off quick and focus on the healing by yourself. You can’t heal if someone keeps stabbing you. Now today, we appear to both be a lot happier. He went on to marry his mistress. I went on to try adult life for the first time without a controlling and emotionally abusive spouse. Win, win and the kids i was so worried about taking that step with to begin with, adjusted well, with now an even larger family to love them.
When its the end, its the end! I was in denial for so long! My ex wasn’t an alcoholic, but he definately had contempt for me! If I had a request, he denied it. He wielded the power and I guess he felt like God. He had a part time job and I would set up the appointments for him while he was at work. One night someone called and asked for him during dinner. My daughter answered the phone, looked at me and said, “Mom, is Dad home?” He was sitting right there! What a wake up call! He went to work and came home. He was king when he was home, and you better not interrupt his “time off”!
Boy, that got me to thinking! But the real wake up call for me was clinical depression. My ex? he simply said, “Why not go see a shrink and find out what’s wrong with you!”
Nice. I made up my mind to get out, and completely disrupt our lives soon after. My kids took it really hard. He’s made us all pay over and over for leaving him!