What is the number one predictor of divorce? Contempt. Irritability at your partner. Disgust. Derision. When you blow off your partner. Or even jokingly put someone down, even in jest.
John Gottman, who wrote Why Marriages Succeed or Fail after studying 2000 married couples over two decades, found that contempt, criticism, and defensiveness ultimately lead to divorce. And, further, couples who made faces (like eye rolling or sneering) when their partner was speaking were likely to be separated within four years.
This was all too true in my own marriage. Once I had developed contempt for my husband, we were on borrowed time. It happened subtly. And it took me time to realize that, wow, I wasn’t just sometimes annoyed with my husband, he disgusted me thoroughly and completely.
Rob and I married one summer and within months, his personality changed in bizarre ways. At the time, I had no idea why or how. But in hindsight, the signs were all there. Initially, he was “high” on a new relationship. He was a happy drunk (though I didn’t realize he was a drunk at all), excited, outgoing and full of energy. He was fun. When we married and shared a home (and he actually had some responsibilities attached to that, like helping to clean and walk dogs), he became a mean drunk, explosive and evil (unless we were getting ready to go on vacation, in which case he was a happy drunk again). He would scream, jump up and down, and slam his fists into tables. It was truly frightening and strange.
One day, I went to our marriage therapy session. I showed up alone because, true to form, after my husband had a big drinking binge, he stayed far away. After telling our therapist how I honestly felt about my husband—that I mostly hated him, didn’t trust him, his touch made my skin crawl, and I determined that he was uninteresting and dumb – she told me that our marriage was doomed.
“Once contempt has entered the picture, it’s basically un-fixable,” she said.
When did this all start, I wondered. I pin-pointed it back to about five months into the marriage when Rob, his mother, and I were walking from the parking lot to a Charger’s football game. I was joking around about how badly marriage sucked and why would anyone put themselves in such a miserable environment on purpose. Hahahaha. She said that she was really uncomfortable with the bantering. It struck me that she was right. I mean, who jokes about that (especially in front of your husband’s mother)?
I started to increasingly realize that I was rolling my eyes when he spoke, not kissing him during make-up sex (too intimate, I’d say), and even saying awful things to him, sometimes jokingly (“You’re so funny, you can’t even manage a coherent thought!) and sometimes horribly bold (“How’s that beer working for you? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You are a mess.). Truth was, as I thought about it deeper, I was striking back at his abusive behavior in a very passive-aggressive way. If he could scream at me, I could say incredibly mean, below-the-belt things back. I was desperate, somewhat in denial myself, and not ready yet to say out loud how I really felt: I wanted out. I wasn’t in love. I didn’t even want him to touch me much of the time.
One night we were having sex and I was mouthing the words “I hate you.” He couldn’t see me but it was my way of taking my power back. A great method of communication? Of course not. It was all so unhealthy and ridiculous and awful.
A friend once asked me what could I have done to erase the contempt and develop compassion and understanding for this man who was clearly sick with alcoholism? I thought about it for a very long time. Go with him to AA? Check (I tried that, it failed miserably). Threaten to leave him if he didn’t get well? I tried that too. Try to be kinder and nicer? Check and fail.
I looked up how to fix contempt and it made me furious. They recommended focusing on the person’s positive aspects. Say nice things. Be more affectionate. Write a list of why you fell in love in the first place. Yadayadayada. Are you kidding me? Sure, after you develop disgust for your husband, give him a hug and make a happy list. That will fix everything (said with dripping sarcasm). What world do these people live in, I wanted to scream? I remember once hearing from a religious leader who said that couples in this stage needed to pray together. Hmmm, not in my case. I mean, I’m a big fan of praying but we (I) was well beyond that as a fixable solution.
Here’s the reality, my dear readers: If you feel true contempt for your partner, your relationship is truly over. Or if it isn’t, it should be. Because you are in one permanently horrible relationship. And you have to ask yourself if that is benefitting you, him or your children. Because unhealthy relationships leave all kinds of broken lives, souls and hearts in their wake that can have permanently damaging impact.
Once you are in the throws of contempt, it is time to cut your losses, get therapy, and move forward to something better and healthier for everyone.
FAQs about Contempt in Relationships:
Can contempt in marriage lead to divorce?
Experts say contempt—coupled with criticism and defensiveness—in marriage does lead to divorce. John Gottman, who wrote Why Marriages Succeed or Fail after studying 2000 married couples over two decades, says spouses, who made faces in reaction to what their partners were saying, were likely to divorce within four years. Making faces include rolling eyes and sneering.
How do I know if my marriage is over?
Your marriage is over if contempt has overtaken love, respect and trust in your relationship. Here a few more signs indicating that your marriage is over:
- You hate him
- Do not trust him
- His touch makes your skin crawl
- You find him uninteresting
What to do when I have contempt for my husband?
You are living in a marriage sans relationship if you have contempt for your husband. If your marriage isn’t over, it soon should be because a permanent horrible relationship is neither healthy for you nor your children.
What should I do if I feel contempt for my husband?
You can opt for therapy if you feel contempt for your husband, besides looking beyond what is causing the trouble. There is no point in clinging on to a relationship, which brews contempt and makes life miserable for you and everyone around you. Moving on is a far better option than staying and suffering in a relationship that doesn’t do any good.
So true. When I got to that point, any nice thing I said to him after that point felt like I was chewing broken glass.
You seem like an immature woman who had no business getting married in the first place. I hope your ex has found sobriety and the love hee deserves.
…..um Seriously? Have you ever been with a man like that? Don’t judge so much. Though I hope he has found sobriety, I don’t think it’s fair for you to blame the authoress like it’s her fault. You weren’t even there. Knock it off or quit trolling or whatever you young people call it.
Agreed Vi I know my ex husband was having affairs in our family home it was GUT wrenching. My little boy 9 at the time was MAN enough to tell me. I feel exactly the same just thinking about him makes me imagine chewing on broken glass.
Spoken like a truly cold-hearted victim-blamer, Sabrina.
I feel this way about my husband who continues to look apron instead of being intimate with me his wife of five years. Not all things are as easy as people want it to be. I just had a set of twins with my husband four months ago, and I can’t stand being with him. Walking in on him watching porn or looking at it on his phone. I feel utter disgust. I feel the same way she did. I don’t know how to handle it. Plus, therapy hasn’t worked for us.
I was in that relationship for over 20 years. It is not healthy for u or the kids. I was so glad to get out. Much happier.
I really hope you’re wrong.
My wife and I are recently separated, and I think she does feel disgust and contempt towards me. But it happened only in the past 6 months before our separation while I was unemployed and clinically depressed.
After the separation, I’ve been living life again, seeing friends, got a good job and I actually like myself once more, which is crazy because I too only wanted to drink beer and wallow during my depression. I’m becoming the person that she chose to marry again, and I want her back enormously.
I’ve been telling myself that 6 months of bad times can’t sink an otherwise great marriage, but if contempt is really incurable, is it over?
This article has provided a different insight to the article you’ve written, thank you.
I found this article which dives deeper into what you’re talking about, with some potential solutions. https://couplestherapyinc.com/contempt/
Recently my relationship has turned toxic. He’s finally pushed me to the point where contempt would be used as the lesser of how I truly feel. He’s said some pretty horrible things that hard as I’ve tried I cant ignore. It’s like a jeckle and Hyde everyday. He loves me when he’s at work comes home and slowly things start getting worse. I ignore most of it but sometimes too much finally breaks you and you end up truly hating them in the end… contempt there truly no fixing this?
When I told my ex that I refused to go visit her kids (we had visited all three of them in 3 different states and they came to her house) until I visited my only son first whom I’d not seen in a year. She rolled her eyes and told me that’s stupid. I said it might be, but that’s how I feel, and that’s how it’s going to be. Then I would tell her that her words, tone etc. felt like I am being attacked. All she said was, I’m not attacking you, I’m just sharing my feelings, can’t I do that, that’s your problem. The therapist said she showed contempt towards me. I don’t miss that. Not one bit.
Oh, I’m beyond contempt. His touch makes my skin crawl. I feel dirty if he brushes against me. I feel caged in and at the point of smacking the tonsils out of his throat. I refuse to have sex with this man again. I’d rather have my kooter bird dry up. The only word he’s ever said that’s true is his name. I’m really trying to keep it together, I’m 2 weeks post op from surgery. If I can make it 4 more weeks without losing my ever loving shit I can get him out of my house and life. Universe, please give me the fucking strength to remain calm and collected.
Married 30 years. My wife always dismisses me overtly when she wants to be alone. Appears that she wants to be alone always. She has treated me with this contempt always. She always blamed her hormones or her stressful job. You name it. Clearly she does not like me. I have not have sex in three years. I am handsome. Faithful. And, in good shape. I work hard at the job and at home I help with grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, and whatever. The contempt she shows for me has damaged me profoundly. Even if I left this marriage, which I will not, I would not seek another relationship. I have been broken. I am damaged goods. Contempt is a terrible thing. No only destroys marriages but the spouse. How in the world I ended up with a person like this?
Anthony, you’re not broken beyond repair. I think if you removed yourself from that situation and got therapy that you’d find your self-esteem returning. Do you two not go to dinner together, or watch television together? When you say alone, are you saying that she doesn’t interact at all with you? Have you expressed to her how her actions cause you to feel?
Thank you. After reading this i realize that you are probably describing how my wife feels about me. When ever i got to hug her she stiffens up. When i go to kiss her she turns her cheek sometimes but mostly pulls back. It leave me feeling what i did wrong, does my breath stunk, was i sweating too much? But i have tried being aware that those could be issues and it doesnt change things. So i started doing about 80% of the cooking, and about 95% of the laundry and cleaning. Been that way for about 10 yrs now. I just want too see her happy. But she is still just tired or stressed. I dont tell her how she can spend money, but she def tells me. I am far from perfect. I started going to by myself to a counselor because she said she wont go and be told she’s wrong. Over 2 yrs i have worked on a lot of my personality issues. But reading all this makes me thing she must just hate me. I have been telling myself “ if we cant fix this in 5 more years it might be time too go separate ways”. As soon as that hit i said “ 4 more years”. Recently i went too “ 3 more yrs”, but at this point i think I might just say after the holidays. I know some ladies will think this is about sex, but it isnt. We haven’t had sex more than 3 times in 10 yrs. i would just like too feel loved, wanted, appreciated.
i can see contempt from a spouse driving someone deeper into depression
i don’t think your hands are clean in this situation
Try having contempt with sex in abundance. I went with a married woman. I let slip with some acquaintances that was the case. She started engaging with them. She thought no one knew apart from her. I told her she went from loving and respecting to utter contempt. Two years of torture and constant sex. The ambiguity of it all sent me bonkers. I was hospitalised