Dear Lizzy: What Did I Do Wrong? 10 Mistakes On a First Date

 

Dear Lizzy,

I met a guy for dinner and I really like him. But he’s gone silent on me. I’ve called and texted him but he hasn’t responded. I noticed he’s still on the dating sites and “active within the past 24 hours.” I don’t know what went wrong. The only thing I can think of is that during our dinner, I got a phone call from another guy I’ve been dating casually. I don’t even like him that much but I answered and gave him my home address. When my date said, “Oh, lots of other men, huh?” I thought it was good that he know he had competition, right? So I told him that I can have any guy I want so he better not slack. I was joking and surely he knew it. We both laughed and the rest of the date went great. He even kissed me goodnight. What should I do? I think I’m going to drop by his work and drop off some of my famous cookies. Thoughts?

J

Dear J,

Yikes! Do not take him cookies to work! You cannot become a crazy stalker under any circumstance.

After you’ve made a pact with yourself that you’re not going to show up at his work or home, make another pact that you won’t call or text him again either. It won’t change the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate with you (because if he did, he would). Save yourself a lot of heartache (and humiliation and rejection) and move on.

Since the damage of your date is done, take this as a learning experience. What could have gone wrong and how can you ensure it doesn’t happen again? Here are my thoughts…

Answering that phone call and giving another guy your address in front of your date was an incredibly bad idea. Seriously, what were you thinking? How would you feel if he had done that to you? It would’ve sucked, right? Honestly, it shows really poor decision making skills—not something you want to point out purposely to someone you’re interested in. Any chemistry and romantic thoughts that may have been going on in his head probably vanished. (If you really had to give another guy your address at that very moment, you could’ve been more subtle. How about a trip to the ladies’ room where you could’ve texted him in the stall? Discretion is your friend!)

Next, telling him that you can have any guy you want so he’d better not disappoint is sort of funny, except in this scenario, it sounds quite pathetic, brazen, and, well, nuts.

In my (very) humble opinion, first dates are for fun and easy chats. You’re both scoping each other out and trying to decide if there’s another date in your future. It is not about discussing other men or (even jokingly) hinting that you expect a date to lead to something huge.

Which then brings me to another topic. What are some definite “do not’s” when it comes to the first few dates? I interviewed a few of my most trusted and dating-savvy male friends and there’s a consensus. Here’s their list:

1 Don’t talk about other men

I once went out on a first date with a guy who talked about his ex-girlfriend and their breakup. He literally teared up. It was so sad and I wanted to hug him and make his pain go away. That said, I had no intention of dating him again. Poor guy had a lot of healing to do. So, just in case you’re tempted, don’t do something similar. It’s a major turn-off. The exception is discussing the ex-spouse (but only at a very high level—like how long you’ve been divorced, where the kids live, where the ex is, and any other really pertinent “must know now” type of info). Just don’t ramble and stay as positive as possible.

2 Don’t sleep with him

If you hop right into bed with your new date, chances are you’re on borrowed time. Because, in his mind, if you “go there” with him, you probably do the same with other men, too. Waiting leads to anticipation and excitement, which is all a good thing. But if you do get too physical too fast, recognize it for what it is. It doesn’t mean he likes you extra amounts or that the relationship is heading anywhere. It’s just sex, plain and simple. Because developing something more takes time.

3 Don’t expect that he’s going to pay the tab

I can’t tell you how many men I’ve talked to who are annoyed with the assumption that they should pay for pretty much every outing. It’s a turnoff and the girl who at least offers to pay her share is a girl that stands out among the others.

4 Don’t get stupidly drunk

If you like making a fool of yourself, go ahead and have a few too many. But if you are even remotely interested in him, stay in complete control of yourself. That means going easy on the alcohol. By the way, this is a common tactic among many guys—get the girl a little tipsy to loosen her up. This is a strategy set with peril (for you). If you decide to drink, proceed with caution.

5 Don’t dress inappropriately

There two extremes: the girl who dresses like a hussy and the girl who puts no thought at all into what she puts on. Neither is optimal. Put some thought into it and make sure you’re conveying the image you want to communicate.

6 Don’t discuss controversial topics

A friend once went out with a really promising girl. Their conversation soon delved into politics and they got into an enormous argument right there in the restaurant. It was the last time they ever spoke. There’s plenty of time to get into all those controversial topics but a first date isn’t it.

7 Don’t talk about your recent dates

No doubt you both have stories to share about your dating life but don’t do it!

8 Don’t stare at your phone

Unless your children are calling you and it appears urgent, turn your phone off and don’t even look at it.

9 Don’t discuss the M or C word

The quickest way to never hear from your date again is to tell him that you’re looking for marriage or a commitment. (Come to think of it, if you don’t like your date at all and want to get rid of him, this might be a great time to tell him you’d like to be married in six months or less!)

10 Don’t talk about your drama-filled life

I once went out with a guy who talked endlessly about the hatred he and his ex-wife had for each other. According to hi, she even faked having cancer so he would marry her. I actually went out with this guy a few more times and each date, he told me more stories about this woman. In my book, he went from cool hot guy to cringe worthy very fast. Sometimes the “less is best” approach is a good one.

While adhering to these tips doesn’t necessarily mean that you two will have a long and fabulous relationship, it will definitely increase the odds that, if you like him, you’ll make it past the first date. And, even if you don’t, you’ll at least leave with your reputation intact.