Let me paint a scenario. You’re married and there are no serious problems in your marriage. You fly off to, say, Toronto, for a business trip. While there, you meet a guy you find incredibly handsome and you’re drawn to him. Thing is, he’s married with a young son. Oh, right, and you’ve got a husband at home waiting for you. Oh well, hormones can’t be controlled and you have an affair. Turns out, you fall for him. Hard. You two are in love and you both leave your spouses and eventually marry. Several years later, and after four children, you find out your hubby is cheating on you. You’re hurt, devastated and feel betrayed. It is painful beyond belief. You’re not eating or sleeping. Your children are confused. Where’s daddy? Why is mommy acting so strange and sad?
But, while this whole thing is awful, should you be surprised? And how sorry should your friends really feel for you? You destroyed the man’s prior family (and your own), after all. Truth is, most of your friends (behind your back) felt sorry for the spouses you both ditched and the pain you caused them (not to mention the pain inflicted on the innocent child left behind).
This is the story of actors Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. And so many, many other couples. You probably know some yourself. Maybe you’ve even found yourself in a similar situation.
But the reality is, when you marry a cheater, then you have a husband who is a cheater. And, even worse, when you were part of the whole “cheating” thing, it’s just karma. Sucks, doesn’t it?
A friend of mine did something similar. Let’s call her Jane. Jane fell in love with Zack. The problem is that Zack was married. They embarked on a torrid and drama-filled affair. Zack eventually left his wife, who was devastated by the split. Zack and Jane eventually married and they now have three sons. Sound heavenly? It’s not. As one might expect, Zack has side lovers all over the place. He’s a chronic cheater and everyone knew it pretty much throughout their relationship (except Jane who chose to look the other way until she couldn’t). One day, Jane caught Zack in flagrante delicto with his best friend’s nanny. It was awful for Jane. She stopped eating or sleeping and got on Prozac. Zack promised to end the affair with Nanny and he sort of did but not really. And Jane doesn’t know (or at least pretends to not know) that Nanny isn’t Zack’s only lover. There are lots more, including the co-worker who gives him frequent blowjobs in the company bathroom. (Zack tells his best friend everything and, in turn, the best friend tells everyone else. The stories are quite entertaining and very pathetic.) I feel for Jane. Sort of. She married a serial cheater. She got exactly what she bargained for.
Ladies, when we knowingly marry (or date) a douchebag, then we have a douchebag for a partner. Sound good? Not in my book!
The trick is to get to know a man well enough over a period of time to ensure that he’s a good guy. Because if you’re willing to commit to a man you already know has enormous character flaws, then set your expectation for that relationship really low. And even then, know that he’ll still fall far below even your lowest expectations.
So let’s go back to Tori. I watched her latest reality show, True Tori, on the Lifetime network and it was painful. Raw and awful, true hell. I’m actually Team Tori. I’ve always liked her. I grew up watching her guest on some of my favorite TV shows, like The Love Boat and Vegas. And, of course, the original Beverly Hills 90210. I purchased her book, sTORI Telling at Costco and really liked it. I understand what it’s like to raise children and (try) to hold it together when a marriage is falling apart. It’s horrid. Listening to Tori’s husband blame not enough sex for his cheating is disgusting. For years, if the tabloids are believable, Tori has had huge trust issues with Dean. She has feared from pretty much Day 1 that he would cheat on her.
And what does she do? She has four children with him.
What the hell.
My whole point is this: If he cheated with you, he’s going to cheat on you. If that doesn’t sound cool to you, then run for the hills.