I’ve been vocal about how wrong I think it is to date a guy who just split from his wife. If you do, you’re getting a guy who has not yet dealt with the end of his marriage, you could be making matters worse for him during his divorce, and you’re inserting yourself into the relationship between he and his ex (never a good idea). But I recently met a guy named “Ken” who, since the end of his marriage, has dated a lot of women. And he got on dating web sites the very night of his separation and went on his first date the following day. He didn’t miss a beat and defends this decision, saying it was perfectly fine. So I asked many questions because he offers up important insight for the ladies in the dating game. Here goes…
I was miserable in my marriage and by the time my wife and I separated, I was more than ready to date. For years during my marriage I was lonely and now that I was single, I was excited. I was ready to find companionship and get some physical affection. I was starving to death and I was ready for the buffet that the dating sites provided. I deserved to have fun and there was no reason to wait. My life was just getting started!
I made out with the first woman I went out with. We met at a restaurant and I thought she was beautiful. Honestly, she was average but after I was thrown crumbs from my wife for years and hardly got any sex, any woman would have been hot and turned me on. We went to a movie and afterwards, I drove her back to her car and we made out like crazy. I was like a high school boy, I could not keep my hands off of her. I went home and got back on my dating site to see who had winked at me or emailed me. There were four more women, score! And I thought men had a harder time finding women on dating sites. Thankfully those rumors weren’t true. I emailed them all back and within a few days, I had several dates lined up, one per night and on some days, I had a coffee meetup and an evening date on the same day. Then I texted my date from hours earlier to tell her I had a great time and couldn’t wait to see her again. She texted me right back and asked if I was busy the next night. I already had another date lined up but I told her that I had plans with my kids. I suggested that we could maybe meet up later. I was off to a great start.
The next night repeated almost just like my date from the night before. After we made out in front of her car, I promised I would call later. Then I got in my car, drove a few blocks away and called Lady #1 and asked if she wanted company. She didn’t hesitate. She gave me her address and I was at her front door within 30 minutes. She opened a bottle of wine and we pretended to watch TV, cuddling up on the couch. In no time, we were having sex. I couldn’t believe my luck.
I could give more details about my initial dating escapades but I’ll just say this: Getting dates and getting sex was beyond easy. I met a lot of really nice lonely women who wanted friendship and physical intimacy as much as I did. I know that some of those women expected sex to lead to more dates and a few thought that because we were having sex, we were exclusive. One woman called me late at night furious that, after a major lovemaking session, I went home and she “caught” me back on the dating site we met on. Obviously, sex did not mean a commitment or exclusivity—at least not to me. In fact, if a date was willing to have sex with me “that fast”, she probably was having sex with other men that easily, too, and that was a turn-off. I know many women will think I’m a jerk but a woman who had sex with me too fast was not someone I was going to ever commit to. Sure, I’d date her and go to bed with her but that was as far as we were ever going.
I think that dating right after my wife and I separated was the right thing for me. I deserved to play the field—anyone who is dating deserves to. Plus, I was having fun, rediscovering who I was, learning what type of woman I could attract and, at the same time, could hold my attention. I didn’t tell any of the women I was dating my motives (mostly that I was just having fun) because if I did, I knew it would kill the date before it got started. So of course on my dating profile I said that I was looking for a relationship and marriage. It kept all my possibilities open.
I am now happily in a committed relationship but it’s been four years since my separation and three years since my divorce became final. My girlfriend is amazing. We dated for almost an entire year before we ever discussed commitment. After a while, I was convinced she wasn’t seeing anyone else but I wasn’t sure. I still dated a little but my interest in anyone else was impossible because if I was with another woman, I couldn’t wait until the date was over so I could call her. When we finally had “the talk”, THAT is when she officially became my girlfriend, not before.
…So ladies, what do we learn from Ken?
- Expect that he is dating other women, especially if he’s fresh off a split
- If he’s NOT dating other women and is quickly pursing a commitment from you, run for the hills (this guy needs major therapy and time to heal; he needs a new relationship like he needs a good punch in the face)
- Never conclude that if he’s having sex with you, you’re in a committed relationship
- If he quickly hopped into bed with you, he’s likely doing the same with other women
- If you think sex is a commitment, it’s best to have The Talk BEFORE you go to bed with him, not after
- A newly separated guy already in the dating field is looking out for HIS interests, not yours. If you’re cool with being his “discovery toy”, go for it. If not, you’re in for a world of hurt
- Don’t think his dating profile is necessarily honest
- As with anything else in your life when someone is trying to sell you something, proceed with great caution. Do your research, take your time, watch and observe carefully. A little (lot?) cynicism is a great thing
After my chat with Ken, I stand by my original advice: If you are dating a guy who just split with his wife, you are nuts. Good luck with that.
Matt Ingham says
To date, I’ve represented more than 500 clients in family court. Based on my experiences with my clients, you are exactly on point. Marriage counseling can be very beneficial however, when the break-down in the matrimonial bonds occurs solely because of the abusive behavior / controlling behavior of one of the spouses…the offending spouse is RARELY ever willing to accept that they have emotional / physicological issues that need to be fixed in order for them (the offending spouse) to have a healthy marriage.
Statisically, a lot of spouses who are in an abusive marriage, do not know that they are in one and so they subject themselves to a lot of long-term emotional damage by living with the abuser longer than what is healthy…this scenario creates long-term emotional damage for the spouse who is being abused. <a href=”http://bulldogwagonerattorney.com/”>Matt Ingham</a>
Sue Denim says
Even though I’d sworn off dating separated men after a couple of bad experiences with them a number of years ago, I had been contemplating getting involved with a separated man again. Then I read this article, and realized that the man I was dating could easily be this guy, and probably was. Thanks, I’m so glad i walked away.