Sometimes I am convinced the United Kingdom’s 1997 handover of Hong Kong back to the People’s Republic of China was a less involved process than the typical handover of my children to their father at vacation time.
I am now in the process of preparing my kids to go on a weeklong vacation with their father over winter break. Because he doesn’t live in the United States and doesn’t maintain a residence here, the responsibility of preparing our children, both emotionally and otherwise, rests solely on me. And my ex is A-OK with that. After all, it’s my job. Or, at least, that’s what he believes.
Every month I receive alimony which, I am pretty sure to my ex, means I am still on his payroll, much as I seemingly was during our 16-year marriage.
“You will never live as my wife again,” my ex once raged at me in a heated argument during our separation.
“Is that a threat or a promise?” I angrily retorted.
So, why, then, more than six months after the finalization of our divorce, am I still being called upon as though I am the dutiful and, yet, still unappreciated, wife?
I am frequently asked to pick up his prescriptions at the pharmacy, send packages to him, make phone calls on his behalf, and purchase sundries for our children in preparation for his family vacations. The most egregious request, however, came this past summer when he rented a beach house with his significant other (once upon a time his mistress) and our children, and requested I supply all of the children’s bedding and towels for the week.
“It’s your vacation,” I reminded my ex. “I don’t ask you to supply items for my family trips.”
“But it’s for the kids,” he urged.
“You mean our kids?” I reminded.
Such requests usually come on the cusp of a handover, that time when I volley our children to their father for a visit, and he brings them back a week to 10 days later, bags of dirty laundry in tow. As for last summer’s beach rental? I stood my ground and refused to supply the three sets of bedding and towels. One could say I won the battle. Not so much for the war. At the end of the trip, I was greeted not only with my children’s dirty bed linens, towels, and laundry but with his and his lady friend’s dirty bed linens and towels as well. I was advised to store these newly purchased items in my attic, should he need them again for later use.
Seriously?
For the upcoming vacation this Saturday, I was already asked to purchase the children’s toiletries in advance because he won’t have time. Hmmm.
Early on, when I resisted such directives, I was duly warned.
“Just wait and see what you get from me,” he once threatened, as though I was a small child who had refused to do her weekly chores.
I reminded him I would get exactly what I am due as per our settlement agreement.
Alimony is not a gift from the paying spouse. Its purpose is to compensate the spouse who may unfairly suffer economically as a consequence of divorce. In my case, I stayed home to raise our three children, a decision we made together, forgoing my most valuable earnings years.
My ex isn’t a bad guy, but sometimes I just don’t think he gets it. I am not his wife anymore. When I said, “I do” many years ago, I meant it. And when I said, “I don’t” back in June, I meant that, too.
I now pass all employee benefits on to his future wife.
(Check out minutes 18:30 to 19:55 for a good laugh.)
If our character is defined by our actions, your ex IS a bad guy. No question.
Please see my latest blog post. I discuss this issue at length.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
You wrote:
“Every month I receive alimony which, I am pretty sure to my ex, means I am still on his payroll, much as I seemingly was during our 16-year marriage.”
And then, almost unbelievably, you went on to write:
“So, why, then, more than six months after the finalization of our divorce, am I still being called upon as though I am the dutiful and, yet, still unappreciated, wife?”
I can’t figure out if you are trying to be funny or if you are really that clueless about how insane your position is. After the divorce he still has to abide by the “terms” of the marital contract by supporting you. So why should you not have to do the same?
Disgusting. Thank God men are getting smarter about identifying and steering clear from women like you.
That is exactly the point I am trying to make: Alimony is not the equivalent of payroll. Alimony is designed to make a spouse whole. And so I repeat: “Alimony is not a gift from the paying spouse. Its purpose is to compensate the spouse who may unfairly suffer economically as a consequence of divorce. In my case, I stayed home to raise our three children, a decision we made together, forgoing my most valuable earning years.” Nowhere in the terms of our marital agreement does it say I need to do ANYTHING in exchange for my alimony. Alimony is payment for a job well done. Severance.
“After the divorce he still has to abide by the “terms” of the marital contract by supporting you. So why should you not have to do the same?”
Let me clear up some assumptions you may be making Robin. If a man, say someone like my ex, breaks the marital contract during the marriage by having a relationship with another woman he should no longer have any expectations of his wife as far as her abiding by the marital contract. If he broke it first, he resolves her of any responsibility to the marriage.
You don’t know what happened in this bloggers marriage. Before assuming that she left the marriage and making a nasty comment shouldn’t you find out her story? You see, if he cheated on her and left the marriage for another woman he is not being forced to abide by the marital contract. He is being held accountable for NOT abiding by the marital contract. You may find that idea uncomfortable but, if you were in her position I’m sure you would feel differently.
Back to my situation…I receive alimony from a man who left me after for a younger woman after 27 years of marriage. A man who thinks just because he sends me a check every month he has a right to control my life. Well, guess what, he no longer has any rights over me or to me. Those rights vanished the day the Judge told him it was OK to abandon his marriage but he wouldn’t be able to do so without paying those he was leaving behind.
This bloggers position isn’t insane, her ex may be insane but her being puzzled over him believing he can have his cake and eat it to is a common question us abandoned wives often ask ourselves.