Ben Harrison: “Mommy…”
Jackie Harrison: “What, sweetie?”
Ben Harrison: “If you want me to hate her I will.”
− Stepmom (1998)
It is with great… (still searching for the right word) that I announce our upcoming new family addition. No, it’s not a baby. Yet. It’s my children’s stepmom.
Very recently, though I can’t say exactly when because I’m not privy to such information, my ex-husband became engaged to the woman with whom he betrayed our marriage. I heard the news from my kids. They, in turn, found out as their dad passed around his iPhone at a family dinner a couple months back, sporting a picture of his fiancée’s engagement ring for all to admire. But I really can’t complain because it’s not like they didn’t already have a heads up about the situation. Their future stepmom took care of that a few weeks earlier when, without their father present, she giddily (and provokingly?) said to them, “I think your dad is going to ask me to marry him. What do you think I should say?” Minutes later I was hit with a barrage of frantic texts, as they attempted to mask their hysterics from their dad, the “adult” equally charged, as am I, with their well-being.
Until now, my ex-husband’s significant other has held the dubious honor of being the “other woman,” a title that accurately denotes her well-deserved status as a home wrecker, the most unwanted of intruders, and categorically trumps the positions of any invasive in-laws and overbearing family members. Now, as she usurps the much more ubiquitous title of stepmom, devastating my children, I know there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Or is there?
It’s no secret to my ex-husband, his future bride and, frankly, anyone else who will listen, that my children and I are not her biggest fans. She does things to tick the kids off, whether intentionally or unintentionally I can’t always be sure, and they aren’t very forgiving. Neither am I, for that matter. But she keeps on going about her day, living her life, and even appears the happier for it, as my children become increasingly irritated and upset. The old saying that reminds us how hating is like drinking rat poison and expecting someone else to die holds true. So, really, who are the victims in this scenario?
Today I stand at a crossroads. Either I can sit back and allow my children to continue disparaging this woman, or I can facilitate her inevitable transition into their lives. These children can’t help but blame their dad’s fiancée for the dissolution of their family as they once knew it. But, in reality, she was only a symptom, even a catalyst, but certainly not the cause. When a marriage is strong, nothing can shake it from its foundation. This marriage was anything but that.
I didn’t get to choose the woman who will be my children’s stepmom. But I can choose how I regard her publicly, and ultimately affect how my children view her. I can’t promise that I will ever be her friend. I’m not that progressive but, really, nobody knows what the future holds. My task is a difficult one; I must swallow my pride and pay a modicum of respect to a woman whom I both disrespect and dislike. But for better or for worse, till death do my ex-husband and her part (or sooner, as I found out when I got divorced), she will be in my children’s lives.
Everybody has good qualities, even her. And, as much as I hate to admit it, she is not a monster. By acknowledging my children’s stepmom, by paying her respect, it is not she who I adulate, but my children. And, for them, I will do what I once believed unthinkable. I will accept her.
This was beautiful, and I thank you for the links because I got to read your story. It is hard to rise above it but I think this is a lesson for many of us that have to move on and accept what we thought we could never accept. It’s all about the kids.
Life goes on. Thanks so much for reading and commenting:)
I think accepting the other woman as part of your children’s lives is way easier if you don’t share custody 50/50. I have friends whose children see their father infrequently, and the other woman is a mere irritation. Knowing that a conniving liar who sleeps with married men may be in my children’s life for 50% of their remaining childhoods disgusts me. I will not show respect. I will not be in her presence. My kids are already pressuring me to change our custody arrangement so they can live here full time and see their father for dinner weekly without the mistress. They are terrified he may marry her and they will refuse to live in the same house with her.
Rolling over and playing nice for these bitches doesn’t do anyone any favors. It makes the OW an the EX think what they did was acceptable, it eats away at the betrayed spouse who is swallowing shit, and it shows our kids that values and morals mean nothing. If we made cheaters feel uncomfortable by shunning them, maybe there would be less infidelity in the world. I’m not advocating revenge, cruelty, or anything illegal or harmful. I just think they should be ignored and disregarded.
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To the person who deleted her comment before I had a chance to post it:
Even though I don’t have a 50/50 custody split with my ex, this other woman’s presence on vacations and at dinners with my children over the past year or so has already created a great deal of anguish for my children. I think having an affair with a married man is despicable, and is not a choice I would ever make for myself. I repeatedly emphasize this to my children. That said, by paying her “respect” (i.e. not bashing her constantly to my children), I am giving my children permission to live their lives without thinking about her constantly. She is a non-entity, and that is how they should view her. She is not worth the energy they would have to expend even thinking about her. I take every opportunity to educate my children about the devastating effects of infidelity. Unfortunatley, they have seen it firsthand. But, even on a limited basis, they do have to deal with this woman. And they need to live their own lives with dignity, behave in a dignified manner, even though she has done anything but that by having a relationship with a married man and contributing to the break up of his family. I, in no way, condone what she has done, nor will I ever.