Dear readers, I am sorry I have been gone so long but I’ve been off becoming a conservative Christian. I know, I know and trust me, no one was more surprised than I. Previously, I’d looked upon religious 180s with a dark, cynical heart. And, in the case of Kirk Cameron, with bemusement and wonder that anyone could grow up in Hollywood and end up becoming a Christian conservative with his own ministry to boot. Evolution, schmevolution, people. It’s all God’s doing. HE has a plan and values that will set us on the path to righteousnous. And, apparently that latter part is now part of my parenting plan. Surprise!
A casual question by the boys the other night about our male and female dogs could have puppies, and my answer of “you don’t want to know,” since we’d already had “the talk,” spiralled quickly out of control. Now, I’d had “the talk” with my older son when he was about five when he’d asked where babies come from. I’d narrowly avoided it when he was four when my then husband had answered “…remember in “Dumbo” when the storks dropped the babies to their moms?” (Really.) Anyways, we had a short, blunt talk about the actual process, which led to silence and no more questions. I don’t blame him. I mean, when you really lay it out, it seems pretty unlikely and bizarre to me too. The last mention of it had been when the three-year-old asked when they were both in the back seat of the car. The six-year-old was only too happy to explain it to him: “The dad sticks his penis in the mom’s vagina and stuff comes out and it makes a baby.” This led to the younger child screaming “Noooooo! Nooooooooo!!!!!!!” No word has been mentioned since.
So, this last Sex Talk go around, I got to tell both boys at the same time. This led, in typical gross boy aka Oediepal fashion, to them saying “I’m going to have sex with you.” After explaining that it’s illegal and wrong to have sex with a parent (Really? I’m having to explain this?) they moved on to, between hysterical giggles, “I’m going to have sex with…(insert random friends names here). And that’s when it happened. I had an apparent Come to Jesus moment and became a conservative Christian because I calmly explained, “You only have sex when you are married and want to make a baby.” Whhhaaaat???? What just happened? I certainly don’t believe that, expect that or even subscribe to it. Yet it was right there, on the tip of my tongue, to preach to my kids. And it sounded good. Solid. I’ve even repeated it. So, look out people, the Church of NotJune may be coming to you soon. Amen.