I’ve come to a realization that I am a rarity within my female gender.
I don’t feel like I need a relationship, a man, a warm body to “complete” me or to make me feel happier about myself. Lately I have come across a multitude of women who choose to either stay in very dysfunctional relationships or jump into one relationship to the next because they are so damn scared of being alone.
This really, really pisses me off! Why do so many amazing, beautiful, talented women feel that in order to be whole that they must be partnered up to do so? Does having a warm body next to you really makes you feel that much better even if that warm body drinks too much, verbally abuses you, lies to you and cheats on you? Why would anyone in their right mind choose this relationship over the “dreaded” single life?
I know that love is complicated and that both men and women are complex individuals, but why does it seem that I am the minority as I try to work on myself alone, without that warm body?
I need to find out why in the past I have always picked the dysfunctional men who have drinking problems, sex addictions, and the men who feel that habitual lying is a part of life and is ok to do on a daily basis.
As I step back and look at my past relationships I can see a pattern, and it’s not good.
I admit that I am very fortunate to have a tribe of many friends and family that love me and have been there for me whenever I have needed them. Especially during this past year of transition from family of 4 to breadwinner divorced single mom. Which by the way scares me to death to know that it’s me and only me that is responsible to raise my child and give her the life that is better than the one I had growing up. One of my biggest fears is that the day she turns 18 her first phone call with be to a therapist because I screwed up so badly during the prior 18 years.
I guess this is one of the reasons I’m choosing to remain single for the imminent future. I need to be a whole, self-aware, self-secure woman in order to raise a young daughter who grows up to feel whole, self-aware and self-secure.
What makes me so sad is that many of these women who choose to remain in dysfunctional relationships are modeling what relationships look like to their children. This then starts the whole dysfunctional process all over again with a new generation.
What is the answer? How can I help my fellow sisters realize that being single isn’t a bad thing? Why is being alone so scary? Do these women despise themselves so much that being alone reminds them of how much work they have to do in order to get where they know they need to be?
This process I’m in of self-discovery is not easy. There are days that I want to lay in bed, pull the covers over my face and stay there for weeks on end. But, I can’t. I have to face life and my inner demons head on in order to find peace within myself. I am doing this work not only for me, but for the love of my life; my daughter. I want her to know that she doesn’t need a handsome prince to come save her when life breaks her down. What she needs is herself. That is all she will ever need. And maybe her mom.
Yes, you are a rarity, but you are not alone. I’ve been single for 19 years. Its been great!
If my daughter and I wanted to go out for dinner instead of going home – no problem! No one to report to. No one to make sure dinner is waiting. No ‘where are you?’ phone calls. No inappropriate shows on the TV. No slob to clean up after. Its been great! I live life on my terms.
Pretty selfish!
My daughter often asks, “How can you stand being alone? Don’t you get bored?” (She’s out on her own, and getting married soon.)
OMG! I have so much to do. I barely get to see my friends as it is. Between working, and blogging, and keeping up the house, and gardening, and spending time at the lake, and taking walks, and spending time with my daughter, and dog sitting, and … I try to squeeze in reading a book once in a while. I don’t have time for TV. No, my life is plenty full.
What it comes dow to is loving yourself. When we don’t love ourselves, we get into those bad relationships and hang on because we’re afraid that no one will want us and that we’ll end up being alone.
I chose to not date because I didn’t want a parade of men through the house, and I didn’t want my daughter to think that sleeping around was OK. And things are so crazy now, you never know if the man you’re with would do anything to your daughter. It was just too big a chance to take.
Turns out that life got plenty busy and I don’t have time for a man. And watching my friends and family with their men constantly reminds me of how blessed I am to not have to put up with that…
I am happily single.
YoU are divorced and raising a child. You said by yourself and sole breadwinner. Is your ex not involved with your child at all? No child support? If so kudos to you.
I’m in that minority with you, although honestly I knew years ago I wasn’t one of those girls that wanted to get married, I just chose to ignore my gut instinct. I’m very blessed as well to have my daughter to live for (she’s almost 4 and of course my 4 legged kids). My Mom doesn’t even get it – she’s stuck in the whole “everyone wants to be loved” mode – I cannot seem to get through to her that its a whole lot more involved and to stay together for the kids isn’t benefitial to anyone but the parasite sucking the life out of you. Literally for me it seems, been through 2 surgeries, cancer, chemo and not a single “how are you?”. So done. In the process of divorcing. Thanks for sharing, it’s comforting to know someone out there gets it.