My first post on Blunt Moms was about my divorce looking different than others. When I say different, I mean not the typical fighting, physically leaving, lawyer needed divorce.
If you’ve read some of my posts here, you know I live with my ex, and we manage nicely. The post only elicited three comments so far, but one said we were in la-la land. It didn’t offend me at all. In fact it made me sit, and ponder.
Are we fooling ourselves? Is it too good to be true? The answer, in my honest opinion is no. And not because I like to win, but because I have never felt so much real, unselfish love with my ex before.
I am almost certain that we were a great couple for a little while, and then we played a part. I know, also, that we were meant to create our kids, because I look into their eyes, and I feel it. I know I would be nothing without them.
The person who commented seemed to be speaking from a place of experience with separation, warning us that lawyers were around the corner, and one or both of us were lying somehow playing each other off. We are not.
I would never take the position of knowing what is best for anyone’s relationship. In fact the first reason in keeping a blog is to keep me sane. The second reason is to hopefully be a place for some other couple to see their story of happily separating.
I’d be completely naive to think it’s all roses and cupcakes in my future. We certainly haven’t cleared all the hurdles. Our kids still don’t officially know. I haven’t seen my ex with another woman, or even speak of being interested in any. So yes, I expect certain milestones to affect me. But lawyers? No. Mean spirited fighting. Not us.
We have both witnessed huge growth in each other. I have seen egos brought down and surrendered. I have put aside my need to be right in exchange for listening to him. These things, that a married couple would need to do in order to be “successful.”
We are doing our best. That’s all I can hope for.
Jenny D says
My ex and I managed to concieve our youngest at a last chance couples retreat. I was the one who wanted out and had been taking it out on him. We had been together since before I was in high school and I simply wasn’t the same person. He had decided that he would let me go and we had found a kind of peace. It took us a long time to separate. He was freaked out about bonding with our daughter. Once I ageed to share custody and parenting equally he settled down. We alternate weeks with the kids except with our oldest daughter who spends most of her time at her dads (but she’s frequently at my house).
The biggest thing for us was by the time we had actually separated, we had worked through our issues. We are friends and co-parents who attend family events together comfortably.
My ex is a lot like yours and was supportive of me dating. I’ve since remaried and he actually walked me down the isle (mostly out of respect for my dad who wasn’t able to, but also to show the kids it was OK). My step son and son are BFF’s and so now my husband and exhusband frequently do things together (it started with scouts and my ex has included him in their little Dad club).
I’m doing my best to be the same ex-partner to him as he has been to me, but I have to say that it is not easy. It’s so weird, I was the one who wanted out, he would have stayed together forever. What right do I have to not hope he’ll find someone to love? I’m doing my best. I get to meet girlfriends before they get to the meet the kids stage. Eventually, one of these women is going to be my children’s step parent, so it’s in all of our best interest to have a mature relationship at a minimum. I’m most dissipointed in my self for not being more supportive of the first one. She was too young (for my ego), but she was open and kind. The rest have been much less so. If he’s ever going to remarry, the current one is probably it. She’s stunning. My girls are infatuated with her. My youngest just likes saying her name and my oldest wants to be a doctor, just like her.
I would just caution you that at some point, to move on with someone else, you two will have to actually separate. You can still be friends and co-parent, but there’s no room for a new partner if the old one still lives with you.
Kate Mae says
Thank you so much for your comment! And omg your ex walked you down the aisle. That is beautiful. I loved your honesty. I have learned a lot about my ego and how stubborn she is. I want my cake and I want to eat it…and I will have a hard time seeing him with another, because I am human. And yes, I fully agree if we ever get to a serious new relationship, physically separating homes will be a total necessity…I can’t have my full dream of creating a commune on a farm and growing my own food….but man wouldn’t that be great…thanks again JennyD