I am bad at resolutions.
In all fairness I did warn you before I made a resolution to post a new blog every week.
But something has happened since I made that promise, and I didn’t really know what to say. I still am not sure I know exactly what to say.
My divorce is finally final. Its over. Officially.
January 12th 2015. 15 1/2 months after he was served with divorce papers. 19 1/2 months after I finally decided I couldn’t be married to him a moment longer.
I am not sure what I expected when I imagined the day it would be over, but its not this.
I am happy I am not married to him, but I am also sad, worried and angry.
Sad that my boys now have divorced parents, 2 homes. I am sad that an 18 year relationship ended in divorce.
I worry all the time about being able to care for myself and my boys financially and emotionally.
I am angry that I didn’t stand up for myself more during the divorce proceedings, I thought giving him what he wanted would make for a faster process. So I gave up child support in lieu of a 50/50 split of anything for the kids. I should have known I would get screwed with that arrangement.
So I am sad, angry and scared most days. And I am trapped.
I still feel trapped by him. I know I am not, that its all me allowing him to trap me. But fear keeps me this way. I am afraid that if I push back or stand up for myself he will take it out on the kids.
Often times in my marriage, I just went along with what he wanted, to avoid an argument. I thought if I compromised the kids wouldn’t witness a fight. I thought it meant we were happy. This same need to protect my children is what keeps me feeling trapped. I know its all in my head. I know he has no power over me any more, but I can’t help but repeating this old habit.
I wish I didn’t fear him, fear what he will do, what he will say to the kids.
I write this blog anonymously because I am afraid of what he will say. I fear he will make fun of me or be angry for putting all our, no sorry, my problems out here for everyone to see.
I am still friends with him on Facebook, hell I am still married to him on Facebook. Because I am afraid, trapped. Trapped by my fear of him. I know I am not trapped by him, I know its all in my head, I just don’t know how to stop these feelings.
And really there is no reason for this fear anymore, he rarely talks to me these days, which is great. But every time he is around I worry about what he is going to say or think. I wish I knew how to stop feeling this way. I wish I could get on with my life. Move past my fear of him. I know one day I won’t be stuck in this rut. I just hope it is sooner than later.