49 Today!

My family knows it, yet no one remembered to say it. It’s just another day.

Plans are made to celebrate this evening. My oldest and his girlfriend are coming to make dinner for all of us. They plan to work as a group, and make a festive evening.

Sadly, the first person to wish me Happy Birthday was my co-worker, then my oldest son. Then an unwanted email from my manager, inviting a round of Happy Days and Best Wishes, from a bunch of strangers. The other two kids didn’t say anything. My mom didn’t say anything. No usual text from my ex-husband. I guess my post marriage warranty to “Happy Birthdays” has expired.

BFF, you didn’t remember. In fact, we had a less than pleasant exchange, but I will leave that for another day. Let it just be said, that our conversation today was exactly what I did not need.

I have gotten a lot of BD emails from companies offering me $20 off of a $100 purchase!

My neighbor wished me a HB… she never forgets anything.

I stopped making a big deal over my birthday when I got tired of buying my own presents, which is something I always had to do, to avoid the embarrassment over my husband, first as well as second, not thinking that I was important enough to remember. At this point, I leave it on the shoulders of my oldest son to make the plans. I do not ask for much; last year, I asked for them to clean the house, but it wasn’t done. I don’t need fancy presents, but I do need to be remembered. Someone told me a long time ago, that I needed to learn to be more demanding. I had never thought about love that way, maybe I should.

Today stung. It stung like a bitch, and its only 2PM. Is it too early to go to bed? I suppose it is, because I am needed. I have to play chauffeur, and I am sure I will need to clean up from my birthday dinner.

Maybe next year, on the big 5-0, I will stop crying. Maybe I will see all the mistakes I have made in my life. It is not choice, BFF. I can assure you that pain is rarely a choice.

Ten hours, and I can lay my head down. I will smile, and hug the kiddies who forgot to say Happy Birthday to me.  I will forgive my mom. I will forgive. It is unhealthy not to forgive, so I continue to let it all go, hoping one day, that I will reap the benefits of all that forgiveness, and of course, the choices I have made.