Things have changed since you left. There is something so wrong about the way the house feels.
I go to your room to chat with you, and remember on my way, that you are no longer there. It hurts. In spite of all the differences that we had, there is something so precious about the staunch supporter and friend that you became to me through two divorces. I could not have gotten through any of this without you. If you can hear me, thank you. For the sake of completeness, the kids miss you and make reference to you all the time, and yes, the dogs do not understand why you are no longer in your room.
OH, yes, your room… I have to tell you about that…. GF of grandson #1 is staying here for the summer. Yes, she is still around, and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I am sure that you don’t understand my decision… I am not sure that I do either, but I do feel that it is the right one. I am not sure that I am in a place to give relationship advice, so, they may be the ones who make it. They seem to be planning for the future, and I am not going to lose my son, even if I am not completely sure about this. A few disagreements that have popped up have given me the chance to say to him : “If you are afraid to discuss this with her now, what makes you think life gets any easier after marriage?”
I am sorry you might have been upset by my choice, but I made it, so it’s done. Maybe part of me is being selfish… the house has gotten so empty…. Grandson #2 is looking at colleges… you are gone…. and maybe I could not stand the thought of how empty the house would be this summer without #1 Son and GF. I feel so alone…. BFF thinks I am nuts, but she understands… I hope you do too.
Let’s see… what else can I tell you… I got that job I was trying for…. I have been working so hard to fit all the loose ends together…. I am trying to get the house sold soon… I need that change that we spent so much time talking about… I am drinking your favorite coffee now as I write this to you… I miss having morning coffee with you. I still buy your favorite jam… I have several jars now, because you are the only one who ate it, but it is a habit hard broken… kind of like when the kids still set a place for you at the table.
Strange thing to tell you…. I followed through with your wishes to be cremated… the ashes are here; I decided against scattering them. That somehow seemed too difficult. Somehow, it is comforting knowing that you are here… even in another form. You know that I have always been confused about religion. I like things that I can see… and touch. I like reason and order. It’s not that I don’t believe; I want to believe, it’s just that I want proof. I desperately want proof these days, to know that you are in a happier place, somehow out of pain.
The world is still spinning since you left… Hilary is running for President… Bruce Jenner is going to be a woman…. more things are exploding around the world…. as you predicted, Cuba is in the news…. You are so smart…. I miss your version of the daily news… so do the kids…. imagine what grandma would say, they say….
Anyway, so, I just want to say that I hope you know that I love you…. and it is amazing how many of your words I repeat… its amazing how many things that you told me I would “get” someday, that I suddenly understand.
Good bye for now. I love you…. I will write again soon.
Leave a Reply