At the start of the summer, I made a promise to myself to exercise and keep healthy. I spent a fair amount of money on a rowing machine, and made a public promise to myself to do better with regards to my own health. I did a follow up on my success and started the summer in a hopeful state of mind, then…
I failed.
The last few months have been so difficult, they seem to be along the lines of a test.
I am doing my best to keep it all together, but the structure that I have built for myself has fallen apart. My threads of my web are torn.
I have written about maintaining multiple streams of income, and I did that for over ten years. All of a sudden, I lost my job over a contract issue, my benefits along with that job, and my other major source of income just dried up.
*** poof***
All gone within a matter of months. Thankfully having a little bit of savings, and a few other small sources of income, I piece together, bit by bit, the support structure upon which I rely. At the age of 49, I am rebuilding, from the bottom up.
On Monday, I return to my beloved rowing machine. Why? Because I did some of my best thinking as I rowed back and forth, imagining the ebb and flow of water. The back and forth momentum has been missed, but I have allowed myself to be angry at my circumstances, and to blame others for all that has happened.
Blame does not help. Anger does not help. Anger simply redirects energy from the positive to the negative. The anger has sucked me dry, and I cannot let this go on. I have to redirect that energy and focus on my plan.
My thought processes so far have involved rebuilding the structure upon which I rely. I have stripped down what works, and what doesn’t work. I am making lists and cleaning house, so to speak.
My first step, and I intend to write more about this, is a retraining, or a “pivot” as it was recently called.
Up until now, I have had the ability to take my esoteric skill set and earn a living for my family. The job search, however, was a reality check for me. I possess advanced degrees, but as a mother who has worked from home for over ten years, in less than common jobs, I am not overly “employable”. I have heard over and over about the “impressive” nature of my skills and knowledge, but I am still jobless.
So, my pivot includes taking up a field that is very foreign to me.
My pivot is a shake up. I am actually visualizing a shaking the bottle and hoping that all the pieces will come down in a more attractive design. Visualization is the first step to belief and then to making something happen.
Vision boards are constructive, goal building and beautiful. I have started my own, and I will show it here soon.
I am going to learn a skill that will make me employable in a more commonplace field. The plans are in place; Virginia is going back to school.
As single mothers, this is something that we may all need to do. Reassess and gather together what we can do, and look for ways to reassemble those pieces.
I have cried, and cried. I have watched my savings drain out of the bank and I have prayed for some miracle to help me put the pieces back together.
I have tried to hide it from my children. Their needs are met; it is not their job to hold me up. I will get through this time, as impossible as it seems at this moment, I will get through this.
So, now, as I revisit my promise to myself, and continue to hold myself accountable to my you. Monday, just before the sun comes up, I will get on that rowing machine, and begin again. I will count my steps, and work on building my focus, my muscles and my knowledge base.
I WILL do what all those celebrities do… I will reinvent myself, yet again.
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