I Have 16 Days To Meet The Love Of My Life! OMG!!

The time has finally come. My subscription to Match will end in 16 days. I confirmed that last night by checking my account to make sure that I am not accidentally billed for the service. But then starts the lottery psychology of “ya gotta be in it to win it”. So, is the Match membership like the lottery??

Clearly, if I am not a member, I put myself in that same place as the person who doesn’t win the lottery, then complains about not winning. To continue the analogy, the odds of winning certainly feel similar. 

Messages come on Match, like losing tickets for those who play; excited at the prospect of a win, then the slow defeat as the announcer reads off the numbers or as the last scratch off boxes are revealed.

How do expectations play into the games? Clearly, expecting to win at the game of lottery has no effect, other than the motivation and inspiration that it takes to get one to go to the store and spend hard earned money on a ticket or a scratch off. 

In life, however, do the expectations that we put forth, have any effort on the results that we receive? I am reasonably sure that the answer is yes, but that does not make my efforts to be positive any more likely. I am sarcastic by nature, and negative by experience.

Insert frown face.

I can’t help it; or at least, I don’t think I can. 

I take full responsibility for what I do in my life, but I am at the point, where I am almost willing to accept that things are going to be a certain way because in spite of trying so hard, in the past, the road ahead of me seems to be a challenging one.

I am either that “old dog” incapable of learning new tricks or my life experience has led me to say:

Here is how many f**ks I give

I want to care. I want to do better. I want to be in a place where someone appreciates all that I have to offer, but I no longer care about changing to suit the needs of others. Some of the most successful relationships I see seem to involve one party being willing to accept a whole lot of crap, rather than responding. I know and understand the whole idea about picking my battles. I do that day in and out with my kids, but in a relationship, there is a limit as to how much I am willing to swallow. The meter goes to tilt, and I explode. Maybe it is because of the people I have chosen to be with, but it always seems as though I am the one working at the relationship, and the other person has their settings set to receive only.

I am no longer sure if I would like me if I met me. 

I am afraid of the vibes I give off, but I am not sure it is possible to change them any longer. 

Living life on the verge of tears since my divorce, I have made my shell both impenetrable and fragile at the same time. Those who hardly know me still have the power to hurt my feelings, so I avoid involvement. 

Sitting at the dining room table recently, I heard my son ask GF for a piece of receipt that she had. Her response? OK…. twenty minutes pass. Can I have that receipt when you get a second? Sure. ( browsing Facebook) She gets up to do other things, NOT getting the receipt. I look at him for some response, knowing that whatever she wants, he jumps to respond. He looks at me, somewhat knowing what I was thinking. He asks again. To which she responds, Yep. No longer able to stay silent, I ask him how he keeps his composure; I could not do it. He chuckles and said, I know. I just do.

Is this a skill or a gene that I am missing? He asked for the receipt; GET HIM THE DARN PIECE OF PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So, is he maturely making a choice? Am I immaturely making a choice to be alone? Is he setting himself up to be hurt or taken advantage of later? Does his love for her blind him to a potential problem? Am I in any position to give advice, being a single, twice divorced person, alone at the age of 49?

Tough questions, but looking back and thinking and re-thinking as I do a lot, I still fail to see how I could have tried any harder to protect my marriage ( the first one, because the second one wasn’t worth saving).

So, again, when I am wrong, I am wrong. I gladly admit my mistakes and look for ways to improve myself.  But I am willing to risk being alone, if the choice means that I will be with someone who lacks respect for who I am.

Renew, or not to renew Match. I don’t know. I will re-assess in 15 days, or maybe just toast the the end of wasting that money. Maybe I will buy a lottery ticket instead.