Driving home from an appointment that I was late to, in order to get to a job, that I am not exactly on time to either, this is what I see:
There they stood, and stood, and stood, for seemingly hours. Maybe it was my love of nature that kept me there. Initially, that is what I told myself. Then it became clear that I needed to blame something for my complete inability to move. I needed to stop; the burdens of my world on my shoulders, I needed someone to tell me to just stop and think which is what I did.
While, I could have probably gone around them to the left, and scared them into Peking Duck, instead, I sat. I drummed my fingers on the dashboard, as my blood pressure seemingly rose to the point where it could not go any higher. Booming in my ears, I am sure I could hear the blood flow. My head throbbed as I sat and thought and thought. Endless streams of incongruent thoughts raced through my brain in a sort of disconnect. Cognitive dissonance at its best.
~ Job interview ( yay!) via Skype ( boo!) with a company that I would like to work for. Maybe I can leave the job that I dislike so much. But what if I am a failure. What if I can’t do the job. I already feel like a failure. I am not the divorcee I thought I would be… still seeking, still searching. Somehow less “fantastic” than I hoped to be.
~I wonder how many applicants there are? Do I have a chance?? I really want it.
~ I have to do the job; the world, or at least MY world is depending on me. As the self-doubt again creeps in, I start thinking about other things.
~ I am really annoyed about Robert Herjavec. His divorce and seemingly immediate hooking up with Kym Johnson ruined my TV relaxation. I no longer like him. No more Shark Tank for me. No more Dancing With The Stars. No wait, I will just vote against him. Muahahaha. I will root that he loses all the deals and gets voted off the dancing island. ( Sorry to mix reality show metaphors). As the ex-wife of a man who is now married to a woman who is almost 20 years my junior, though NO Kym Johnson, lol, Mr Herjavec has turned, in my mind, from the ideal symbol of what CAN be, to just another typical man. How disappointing.
~ What if they don’t hire me. What if the dog barks during the interview. What if I look fat on screen? Should I polish my nails? Blue too trendy? Hate my hands in red… it has to be just the right shade. No time to get a manicure.
~ I have no idea about dinner. I am so sick of cooking and shopping. What happened to that mid-week visitation that he fought for? Hasn’t happened since he got it. Just once, would be so nice.
~ I don’t want to go to work. I want to cuddle up with Tivo, and watch CNN. I want to see all the people in the world who need to remind me that I have so much to be thankful for. Cancel that… I am thinking the stash of I Love Lucy episodes that I have recorded.
~ Should I un-hide my Match.com profile again or just let it run out. I am pretty sure that this route is untenable for me.
~ Why does bill pay day seem to come more often than payday?
~ Visit to my sister next week… better check my roots. Can’t go with my hair needing color.
~ Damn, college guidance appointment tomorrow for us; I just love “family” events. I need to be all together at 7:30AM.
Suddenly, snapped into consciousness by the site of the ducks moving and the car behind me honking, I move on.
I looked at the clock. Time elapsed 1minute 30 seconds.
Blood pressure returned to normal. Hi Ho Hi Ho, it’s off to work I go.