Up and down… Up and down. This is how my mood has been of late. I wish I could go on about the specifics, but it is probably sufficient at this point to say that life has been beyond chaotic and stressful.
It does not help that we can no longer rely on Ben and Jenn to be happy or that Caitlin Jenner looks better than I do in a little black dress. It just adds to the frenzy and uncertainty of life. I want to make jokes about it, but things have been so bad lately, that I am borderline thinking that there is a voodoo doll somewhere named Virginia Masters. << insert image of me imagining my list of people who might want to wish me stress and pain… >>
Hot flashes be damned, I had to go bathing suit shopping with my daughter for camp. Her perfect little emerging body looking lovely in whatever she tried on… no longer a child, shopping in the teen department, she is so modest, that I had to hide my eyes while she changed her clothes. All I could think, was that if I looked like she did, I would wear those bikinis to the grocery store. Heck, I would never put on clothing. I would be shoveling snow in a bikini.
Watching the effects of the addition of hormones to my daughter, and Bruce, em, Caitlyn, and listening to BFF complain about her ever irregular period and her increasing hot flashes, I wonder about the power of the hormones that make us feel the way we do. I add to this list the health issues that I have that the doctor blames on hormones, like Migraine headaches. Yep, makes sense, I got my very first colorful migraine within minutes of getting my period. I thought I had a brain tumor, and then I thought I was going to bleed to death from some weird place. My mom, may she rest in peace, was not very good at speaking about body changes as we grow up, or the related topic of the birds and the bees.
I do things differently now. I do not want my daughter to experience a day of fright like the one that I had, at 10 years old, when I thought I had to explain to my mother that I was probably going to die from oddly unexplained bleeding from “down there” and a brain tumor.
Time Machine? Yes, I would love one. Calling Dr. Who… I want to go back to my hormones being at peak, comfort level. I would love to invent some filling station. << Tanks running low… fill ‘er up! WHAT?? $750 for the tank? OK, go ahead; the alternatives are too gruesome to think about.>>
Formulary Prescription: add hormones, feel better, take them away, feel horrible. Add them, begin to be judged by their effects. Take them away, feel like a deflated, yet heating up from within, balloon.
Interestingly enough, online chatter about Caitlyn has turned from her bravery to go through such a public ordeal, to what she is wearing, and whether or not she is a better dressed woman than Kim. ( Hello? Is there really a comparison?) Where is the praise now? Almost non existent because he is no longer a sympathetic character; he is a she who is now worthy of all the maliciousness that we use to judge all females equally. The online supporters of equality, yay, have slinked back into the silent minority, as the haters speak up… muhahahahahaha…. I knew they were out there. We, as a public, are usually not so supportive and nice. (In My Humble Opinion, of course) Haters gonna hate.
It’s all about the hormones.
The hormones when at their height make us feel womanly, motherly and capable of loving the world and seductive at best, and old and useless at worst, as out bodies suffer through what the loss of the hormones give to us in our more youthful lives. We are chemically in tuned to the smell of new born babies, so that we love and nurture. We give off pheromones, causing men to seek us out in order to continue the growth of the population. Hormones are magical. So why must what is given, be taken away?
Unable to use any kind of hormone replacement therapy due to my preexisting heath issues, I am struggling with what all of this means for me. Will I grow random hairs on my face? Will I morph into a blob, without any distinct female characteristics? Where will my waist go? Will I forever feel the hot flashes that pass through like the ghost of Jacob Marley? Will I grow a mustache and beard??
Having GF and her “who wears short shorts?” shorts is not helping my already hormone depleted mood.
Don’t worry, my evil self says… you will have a few kids one day too… and your shorty shorts will be your granny panties. I have several pairs like them; I just don’t see fit to wear them as clothing.
As I sit here in shame with my thoughts, I must re-state that in a kind way. I ponder.
Oh, GF to my son… one day, you too will be blessed with children and you will learn to enjoy the many beautiful stages that life has to offer you. Enjoy each one, because nothing lasts forever.
(OK, the last part was a bit bitchy, and I simply do not care, because that is just the mood that I am in today!)