A few days ago, I wrote about having to dig a little deeper to find things to be thankful for. The holidays are approaching, and the blessings are not always right in front of us. Life can be difficult when you are alone, but it is especially hard around the holidays. It’s not news that suicides increase at the saddest side of the continuum. On the other end, single parents, both male and female, struggle with alternating of holidays. My year, your year, my year, your year. That argument can turn petty… children feel the stress… and I am sure many tears are shed as the decisions and plans are made from year to year. Packing up children to send them to the other parent can leave one feeling lonely, sad and maybe in some situations, vengeful. It’s not easy. I know. I have been there.
I made a decision long ago that when the kids were not with me, it was not a holiday. I live close enough to my Ex, to make Friday the holiday. This is how I deal with it. My night alone, is not sad. I have some wine, and a decadent meal and dessert. It is not a time to feel sorry for myself. It is a gift of a quiet evening. It is a chance not to feel sorry for myself, but to just breathe.
Now, those who know me, ( Hear me BFF??) know that I can be negative sometimes, and I struggle to see past challenges. So that may be a surprise for her. Last week, when I wrote about being thankful, it was a splash of cold water on my face. I have attempted to live in that positive light, instead of having the shade of darkness surrounding myself. Darkness can be so heavy to carry around.
I don’t want to carry it around anymore. Is it a decision? Can one just decide to think differently? Is it possible that changing what you think brings about other changes as well? I know that many, many people think it makes a difference. You are what you think… you are what you eat ( not ready to go there yet).
Oddly, yesterday, I had a job interview, and was offered the job on the spot. Coincidence? Who knows. I certainly do not. What I do say is this: Believe in something. Whether it be yourself, or in something higher, and more spiritual, believe in something. Did I get the job because I believed in myself, and therefore presented myself differently? Did my desperation and sadness not show through? Maybe.
I want to believe that this is the case. I want to believe that I am in the process of acceptance, and growth. I want to believe that I have climbed some mountain.
I want to believe in me.
Thankful beyond believe, as the very last unemployment check exhausted my claim, I am relieved. Beyond relief, however, I am in awe and deep in thought of whether there was some difference in the result due to the difference in my thought processes and my behavior.
Sadly, I won’t win the lottery by confidently purchasing my ticket, but who knows what else I will accomplish by just believing in myself.
It’s a stretch for me. I have gone through life struggling to believe in ME. When something good happened, I chalked it up to luck. I never gave myself credit for success.
So, just a thought as I head into the holiday season, and a new year, with a new job, and new hopes. Believe in something. Start with yourself and see where that takes you.
Just work on the believing. I am still not sure about the higher powers, but I will start with belief in myself. I think I deserve it.
Thank you. I related to several things in your article. My favorite is when you write “divorce happens to good people, people who live with their whole heart..” I struggled with such guilt and although on some level believe it’s partially both people, there is definitely a very good reason I left and had no choice but to divorce him. Also, the judgement was much worse than expected, as you say from “friends” which surprised and hurt the worst. Even from society I was surprised at how differently I was treated when I took my ring off for the last time or used the word divorce for the first time to describe my status. You would think when they knew my situation I would be thought of as brave, doing the best for my small child, and only the ones who truly understood are my friends to this day, many years later. It’s hard, painful but was the right choice for me.