I was at my parent’s house last month when my Mother passed away, and I was looking through her things. No I wasn’t snooping, I’m a very visual and tactile person. I need to mourn my Mother’s passing by seeing her things, touching them, remembering her with them, and smelling them.
I didn’t get to do that when my Dad died last year. I flew from NY to Arizona to see him just a week or so before he passed while he was in hospice and my Mother decided that we had all come to see him before he passed and that was enough, so no service was held. But I didn’tdo any proper mourning or grieving, I needed to see that he wasn’t there. I wanted to trade stories with my Mother and siblings, see his things, touch his things, realize he was gone. But I finally got to do that when I went last month.
Anyway, in looking through my Mother’s dresser drawers, I saw a piece of paper folded up. I just kind of opened it up, saw that it was a letter from my Mother to my Father dated February 1948, when they were dating and still in college at Penn State. I read a line or two but felt I was invading…. somebody’s privacy. So I folded up the letter and put it back.
However after I shut the drawer, my sister came in and I told her I was just looking at stuff and was getting sad and nostalgic and all that. And she asked, “Did you read the letter?” And I told her I saw it but put it back. She told me to go ahead and read it as my Mother was constantly showing it to her after my Father died and telling her to read it. So, eventually I picked it up again.
Apparently my Mother found the letter in my Dad’s things… after all those years, he had saved it. I’m guessing the reason my Mother wanted my sister to read it was because she wanted her to know how much she loved my Father. Now, to us this is odd because our Mother was a tough, strong, feisty Irish woman that never gave in to mush. She always acted annoyed by my Father when we were growing up, probably because there were 6 kids running around and he was a big factor in that, if you know what I mean. I mean, she was loving to us but we never saw any mush between my parents.
So I read the letter. Still only part of it, after a while I felt uncomfortable like I had walked in on them having sex or something. Not that there was anything like that in the letter… the letter was so 1940’s innocent you would have thought it was a cliche’ out of a movie. It was full of “Dearest”s, “Darling”s, and “beloved”s. My Mother was talking about how much she loved him and thought she would die without him (I guess he had gone back home to NY for break or something), how she couldn’t bear to be apart for a minute. She also said she agreed to marry him sooner rather than later.
I have to admit, I felt a little uneasy. The way I was brought up (by this same woman as a matter of fact) and what feminism teaches us in this day and age… it made me think “What a needy, clingy broad this is”. Which my whole life I never thought that once about my Mother. She was as independent as they come. As the kids got older, she made sure her needs were met… no there were no spa days and vacations, it was going to exercise class, and continuing ed classes, workshops on gardening, working with special needs kids, reading every single book known to mankind, book clubs, lectures, etc. But this letter… my first reaction was not to find it romantic, my first reaction was negative, like oh God get a life. And yea, I felt bad about that. That’s just how I was raised. Ironic, eh?
So I thought it through. Is being that much in love with someone a good thing or bad thing? I mean it was a different era, women were bred to be wives and mothers back then. Although my Mother was an undergrad at Penn State at the time, I think she was actually going for an education and not just her MRS degree.
Society has become so complicated. Women are supposed to be all things to all people. Successful career women as well as wife and mother. We are made to feel ashamed of wanting or needing a man. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s just me? But maybe it was easier when men and women had very simple well-defined roles. A woman was devoted to her man, and a guy just provided, and maybe treated her like a princess, time and money permitting. Is it bad to be in love? Is it wrong to put all your eggs in one basket with a mate? My parents lasted 65 years together. I think my parents got back to the real reason they were together after all of us had grown… they loved each other and were best friends. And yes there was deep love and romance there, but of course kids see a different side. So why were my parents never excited when any of us found a mate? They discouraged being “dependent” on someone. Yet they were both so desperately in love?
I’m probably more confused than when I started this post. Maybe I made everything up. Maybe I’m confusing things. Maybe that letter was a fluke, a young girl in the beginning of a relationship. But then why would she be so proud of it 65 years later? Why poo poo me swooning over a guy, when she was nuts over my Dad? Maybe just a Mother being protective? But who’s right? Is that kind of love romantic and wonderful or obsessive, needy, and unhealthy. I’m totally confused…
Bella says
I think we have to find our own path, whichever one that is, or a blending of everything. I think the pain of divorce and how we got there also plays a role in our relationships after. You are so right, though. Relationships ARE so much more complicated with dual roles,long distance relationships, and dealing not only with your own past pain (and quirks because of it )but that same baggage with your new partner as well. Then kids get thrown in. ugh. For me, I finally found the person who loves me for me, cracks and imperfections and all that other crap, and I love him just the same. He IS my best friend. He understands my baggage because ours is a closely matching set. We don’t try to fix each other. We accept we are bothdifferent people than who we once were and that’s ok. There are no magical fairytales, just raw devotion.
PollyAnna Katherine says
What you describe in that letter and about your parents’ relationship doesn’t sound hopeless at all. In love, yes, but also very hopeful and reasonable, the opposite of hopelessness.
I used to believe that common sense, integrity and hard work could make my relationship work, but I think your mom was onto something. Your parents clearly had a foundation built on chemistry and love, in addition to all of the practicalities, and perhaps that is why they were so successful. Relationships are HARD. (Um, yes, I’m visiting a divorce website for a reason.) It seems to me that your parents had it figured out: a foundation of romance might have been what got them through those years with young kids and financial strains, etc. while they were doing the hard work of the relationship.
I think that where feminism first went astray is that it told us to set aside our desire for romantic love, telling us that we didn’t need a man (Gloria Steinem’s famous “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle” quote comes to mine). Well, we don’t NEED them, but that isn’t the same as not wanting one, and there is nothing wrong with longing for romantic love. It seems to me that your mom won the lottery: she maintained her self worth without martyring herself to her relationship, but at heart she was madly in love with your dad. I don’t think that’s wrong at all – as a matter of fact, it seems like a very progressive, positive model of a relationship. I think that your mom’s letter adds to her dimensionality in an incredibly beautiful way.
Even Gloria Steinem (whom I greatly admire) has backed off her original stance: she got married at the age of 66. She too learned that true partnership is a beautiful thing, more than practicalities, and certainly more desirable than that fish on a bike.
When I figure out how to do it, I’ll let you know, because clearly I haven’t learned yet, but it seems your mom had it figured out. She knew how to swoon over a guy, how to be musy and romantic, without losing herself to the relationship, martyring herself, or putting herself in a less-than position in the partnership. I would love to see if your dad had ever written back to that letter, her equal in swooning – I suspect he was, in order to capture and hold her attention.
To answer your question: that kind of love is romantic and wonderful when it’s in conjunction with true partnership; it’s obsessive, needy, and unhealthy when it is one sided or when it is used in replacement for shared values, interests, etc. It seems like your parents had the former – how lucky for them. 🙂