Mothers and Daughters: Why It Can Be Complicated

I hope you all had a wonderful day filled with… whatever it is that makes you happy.

Mother’s Day was created to honor all mothers. Actually, it was created with the idea that each family celebrates the mother of the family.  And we all know, some families do this better than others. I’m sure we all have heard the same stories from friends, “I got nothing, not even a card, not even a ‘Happy Mother’s Day'”, “My Mother’s Day was great, breakfast in bed, a massage, a Tiffany bracelet, flowers, and dinner at the finest restaurant in town”. (Yes I know, I hate the 2nd lady too. lol)

I have to say it’s tough on single moms with no dad in the picture (or any mom with a lazy father of their children) to make sure the kids acknowledge the day. But you can rest assured as your children get older, they realize how important mom is and all that she has done for them. Well, unless your kid is an ungrateful jerk.

Then there is a mom’s relationship with her mom. Wowee, that one can be a whole different ball of wax. I have to say I had a pretty good relationship with my mom. She passed away 2 1/2 years ago at the age of 87. I had various stages of understanding my mom over the years. They pretty much go like this…

Birth-8ish: Mom is the center of the universe, a child’s lifeline.

9ish-13: Mom is still needed and loved, but the eye rolling may begin.

14-19: Everyone hates mom. She can’t do anything right.

20-30: Maybe I shouldn’t have been that hard on Mom,  she has been there for me.

30-40: Oh my God, I’m sorry I was such an asshole when I was a teenager, Mom.

40-50: I have become my Mother.

50-60: I totally get it now.  Oh my God, I get everything now. You were right and thank you for everything.

60-death: (or starting earlier) Please don’t go. My world is empty without you.

Mothers have a timeline as well:

Birth-2ish: Every thing the child does is magic, you now know what unconditional love truly is.

2ish-18: Oh my God, I can’t wait until I get some peace and quiet again.

18-infinity: I miss my child so much, I wish I could go back to the days when they were little and I could hold them.

Unfortunately, there are some mother/child relationships that are broken or non-existent. I don’t have experience with this but know people who have. I can’t even imagine. There has to be a myriad of emotions – hurt, anger, anxiety, sadness, resentment, loss, confusion… the list goes on. Personally I can’t even fathom a mother cutting off ties with a child but there probably reasons we don’t understand like substance abuse, mental illness, and a misguided belief system. But know that you are not alone and it’s not your fault. No child deserves that.

And I know those that had a horribly abusive childhood and have conflicting thoughts as well – pain, anger, abandonment, loss, sadness.  I don’t have the answers on that one. I can’t even imagine. You desperately want to be loved by your parent but feel rejected and also refuse to be abused anymore.

That’s why now the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day” can evoke 1,000 emotions. All I can say is… what life deals us is not always fair but try to work through it the best you can. Try to understand your mother’s side. Try to understand your child’s side. You only have one mother, you are a one child’s only mother. Realize that mothers and daughters have been at odds for centuries. It’s nothing new. Just do the best you can. And my heartfelt compassion for those that are at an impasse.