I have been invited to do regular 2-3 minute podcasts for a radio show that focusses on divorce. I’m excited, and a bit nervous about it, since this is a departure for me. I’m not nearly as comfortable talking as I am writing.
But that’s not why I’m writing now. I’m writing to ask you what topics related to divorce you’d like to hear about. Maybe aspects missing from the Divorce Conversation? Or aspects with which you disagree?
Is it really better to stay for the children?
Are children of divorce really more likely to have difficulty forming relationships and more likely to divorce themselves?
What’s the best divorce advice you got? And the worst?
What did you learn about yourself post-divorce?
What’s your take on the Divorce Reform movement?
What’s your take on the Divorce Backlash?
What’s your take on blogger Penelope Trunk’s conviction that divorced people are selfish, immature, and have personality disorders?
My friend Annie Parker wants to hear women’s strategies for coping. What are yours?
Do you have an amicable divorce? If you do, how did you make that happen?
I would love to know what topics YOU want brought to the divorce conversation. If you don’t want to leave a comment to this post, you can e-mail me privately using the “contact” form found at the top of the home page.
Thanks!
Pauline
I’m still perplexed at how not to be the third wheel with married friends. I find myself skipping events and not having people over for things besides kid playdates.
Yeah, I know that one…I found cocktail parties were good because you don’t have to worry about seating arrangements! But I do know the feeling that no gathering can happen without a bouncer…
In my case, my husband didn’t care one way or the other if he saw our son our not. He didn’t hate him, but he didn’t really love him either – at least not in a way anyone could see. He never refused him when I brought him every other weekend, but he largely ignored him while he was in his home (plopped him in front of the TV). He never asked to see him, or even reached out to check on him in the 12 days between visits. In the end, visitation for him was kind of like some household chore that popped up every 2 days – just one more thing he had to do. In the end (son is 32 now), he still has no meaningful relationship with his father despite my efforts to make that possible. So – maybe talk about how visitation isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – from a lot of different perspectives.
Oh, that sounds so painful…yes, there’s a lot to say about timeshare.
A discussion regarding the difference between “fair” and “equal” would be good. In the case of a divorce in which one spouse is considerably wealthier than the other, that equal split of big ticket items like camp and private school (a real issue in L.A., even if it is a high class issue) seems absurd. Advising women to consider these issues, even if they’re getting a divorce when the kids aren’t in school yet, would be helpful to them, I think.
YES! Good one.
The hard stats show that kids of divorce do have more problems than those with intact families.
But that might well be because kids whose parents have divorced have families with problems and dysfunctions that caused the divorce skewing this information.
“But that might well be because kids whose parents have divorced have families with problems and dysfunctions that caused the divorce skewing this information.” — I think that is the salient issue that is often missing from the “divorce messes up kids for life” meme. And one could argue that high-conflict divorces would be high-conflict marriages which also screw up kids.
How about how and/or when to introduce a new man/woman to the children after divorce? I think people treat this touchy subject waaay too nonchalantly, when I think it might be the biggest thing to affect the kids since seeing one parent move out. My opinion on when would be never more than 6mo-1yr after the divorce is final. If you are dating earlier than that, fine, but don’t bring them home to the kids! Keep it just you two for a long while, and ease the kids into knowing a new person is mom’s/dad’s new friend, then meeting much later.
Good topic, Cristen!
How about the positives of divorce? Instead of dwelling on the negatives; maybe come up with 10 positive effects of divorce. I can think of a few; kids become stronger, we become more compassionate and empathize with others, we meet new people and start new careers we may never have considered in the shelter of a suffering marriage.
How about the positives of divorce? Instead of dwelling on the negatives; maybe come up with 10 positive effects of divorce. I can think of a few; kids become stronger, we become more compassionate and empathize with others, we meet new people and start new careers we may never have considered in the shelter of a suffering marriage.
YES! There really is no way to come out on the other side if all you hear are negative stories. I think the “divorce is the worst thing in the world” meme minimizes what it’s like to remain in a terrible marriage for years.
The best advice I received during my divorce was to not take legal advice from my ex!
Was he an attorney, Shannon?
Congrats on the new opportunity! I have no suggestions. I’m divorced OUT right now.
There can never be enough informatiive articles and broadcasts about parental alienation, and the opposite of alienation, good, [positive co-parenting after divorce or separation.
If you need help learning about this subject please visit our website athttp://www.afamilysheartbreak.com. I’m confident you’ll find our information and many resources valuable.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Great idea, Mike, thank you!
He wasn’t an attorney, he just was pretty sure he knew more than any attorneys. He would have been happy to draw up an agreement without benefit of any legal advice… and had the charm and persuasive skills to make it all sound reasonable! We’ve been divorced over 15 years and it’s all pretty amicable now, but I do remember my attorney shaking her head and laughing at me for listening to his convenient solutions. It was her advice, and I’m so happy I followed it!
I personally spent a lot of time early on trying desperately to find more information about co-parenting successfully. I found some weird people who were all best friends with their ex-spouses and their new partners (I joke, I’m sure they are just incredibly well adjusted), but finding good advice about building a working relationship with someone who, well, hates you, is hard. We grew in to an okay co-parenting relationship but it took a whole lot of falling down.
I think it’s really unfortunate that the Parallel Parenting paradigm isn’t as well known as co-parenting. Co-parenting only works with two reasonable people. If you don’t know this, and you try to co-parent with someone who’s unreasonable because this is what you’ve been told you can and should do, you just feel crappy. My life is so much saner now that I have as little contact as possible with my ex…although this also involves knowing virtually nothing about what my kids do when they’re with him, which is sad and weird.