We hear so many horror stories that come from divorce: financial devastation, children’s psychological demise; lives torn asunder. I don’t intend to advocate divorce nor diminish any of the hardships that befall many people post-divorce.
I do want to suggest, however, that the black-and-white thinking that surrounds divorce obscures some of the good things that never would have happened if certain marriages had never ended.
So I have compiled a list of people whose contributions to the world were inspired by their lives being blown apart.
1. Pema Chodron: After her second divorce, this world-reknowned Buddhist nun started her study of Buddhism. Had she remained married, it is unlikely that she would have launched the spiritual journeys of the hundreds of thousands of people who have read her work or studied with her.
2. Madeleine Albright: The first female Secretary of State, Albright’s perfect-seeming life exploded when she discovered her husband was having an affair. Albright credits the pain of her divorce to her transformation from university lecturer to political leader. “I hated being divorced,” she said. “But I loved being Secretary of State.”
3. Constance Ahrons: After her own horrific divorce, complete with multiple court hearings and even a kidnaping, this Marriage and Family therapist wrote The Good Divorce, a bible on how to divorce with dignity, in the best interest of the children. The twice-divorced Ahrons has also voiced her criticism of Judith Wallerstein’s studies on the long-lasting destruction of divorce on children. Ahrons believes that the children of these truly hellish divorces would have been just as troubled if their parents had stayed together because the dysfunction was due to parents’ mental illness and abuse. Regardless, Ahrons is a realist: she maintains that the traditional nuclear family isn’t viable for many and that people can and do benefit from adding stepparents and stepsiblings into their families.
4. Nora Ephron : Had it not been for Ephron’s second marriage derailing when she was pregnant with her second son, there would be no Heartburn, nor Huffington Post Divorce section. Enough said.
5. Eleanor Roosevelt: Although she wasn’t technically divorced, she was a figurehead in a parallel-lives marriage. Her mother-in-law ran her house and raised her kids; her husband carried on with her former best friend. Devastated to learn of her husband’s betrayal when she turned 40, Eleanor used the collapse of her personal life to catapult herself into the public, where she became a relentless advocate for the disenfranchised and one of the world’s great humanitarians. Clearly, her famous line, “you must do the things you think you cannot do” came from experience.
As for the things that have transpired from my own bad divorce: some days I can think of a lot of good, some days I can only think of a lot of — needless — drama. Divorce has put quite a crimp in my perfectionism and my compulsion to make everything look neat and tidy. I keep waiting for the day when I’m “over” my obsessive-compulsive self, but I’m beginning to think that day will never come. As Pema Chodron says:
“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.”
What about you, my divorced homies? Did any good things come from your divorces?
I agree that even though there are so many hardships and pain that comes after a divorce, it sometimes can save children and protect them from seeing so much abuse. This shows them that there are consequences to misuse and abuse. Also, it lets a person take control of their life again. It is something that should be looked at case by case though.
Great piece. I count myself lucky to be a child of an awful divorce. Had my mother remained married, I would have witnessed even more years of physical and psychological abuse, and I have no doubt that I would have been much worse off than I was, despite our relative poverty. Although I am happily married, I don’t believe marriages are always worth saving.
Susan, thank you for weighing in! BTW, I saw you at Expressing Motherhood on Sunday, you were terrific.
Though my first marriage to my college boyfriend of 6 years ended quickly (13 months) and without any real damage to anyone financially and (thank goodness) no children, it is still something I consider a real disaster in my life. However, had I not been married to such a schmuck, I never would have appreciated my husband of 23 years, who showed me that being nice to each other is how it’s supposed to be.
There’s a wonderful image floating around that I plucked off Twitter from @ChildSupportTips via @SingleMommyHood. It shows Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, and it says “What Children of Single Mothers Might Look Like.” I’d say it makes quite a point.
As for myself, the past decade since divorce has changed my life in so many ways, I’m still trying to put the pieces together. Some are good; some, undeniably not.
More importantly, I wonder what my sons would say – and will say – when they are adults and look back atbothparents, at how they were raised, at what their lives are and aren’t – at whotheyare, and aren’t.
I saw that image with Bill and Barack — what a statement.
It’s great when people learn from mistakes the first time around — congratulations on your long marriage!
Great inspiration Pauline. And such a great reminder that from strife comes growth. Thanks for sharing these names and I will be looking into their stories too.
The good things that came from my divorce are too plentiful to name. A few that instantly pop to mind: the ability to breathe, my children getting a chance to see who I am, having Ray in our lives, earning the respect of my children, my daughter learning that it is not acceptable for men to demean women, my son learning that it is not acceptable to demean women, getting to put glow-in-the dark stars on the ceilings, getting to mow the lawn NOT on a diagonal, eating banana splits for dinner, etc, etc. I even think that the kids are learning a few good lessons with these “hard knocks”…they aren’t completely sheltered, and think that everything in life is perfect.
In truth, the only bad thing is the enormous financial loss due to his “new” hobby of taking me to court. But, it is STILL worth every penny!
Awesome! Except for the money part. Love the one about not having to mow the lawn on a diagonal. I was thrilled to be able to place a picture frame on the mantel without a negotiation.
1. Being freed from a man who didn’t love me.
2. Freeing my children from having to witness that sham of a relationship.
3. Realizing that love is everything.
4. Understanding anyone can do anything at any moment.
5. Paring down my big fat life.
6. Falling in love.
7. Fulfilling my dream of moving near the ocean.
8. Being able to care for my mom post lung-cancer.
9. More travel.
10. Becoming closer to my children and more honest with them.
Thank you for a wonderful post.
Fabulous!
Funny, I just thought about how my husband’s infidelity and subsequent moving out of the house has totally changed my life. All the pain was definitely for a reason. At 47 I have started school, changed job and realized I like being on my own. I am sure standing on the verge back then, have made me start doing something, transforming my life, becoming creative. And I have begun to think well about myself. Looking at my kids I know now that living in a family where the parents do not love and respect each other is much more devastating and painful than any divorce. The end of the marriage was just the moment of truth. Thank for your wonderful post.