In preparation for my move to a smaller place next month, I’ve been sorting through the detritus that has dogged me since my first divorce, trying to decide what is purge-worthy and what is worth keeping. I came upon a box of old photos — rifling through photos is about as dangerous a time-suck as any — that included a black-and-white 8×10 wedding shot. Of me, at my first wedding.
Picture this: a lithe figure, sort of a bridal Venus De Milo, sprouting from a cloud of Vera Wang tulle, clasping a bouquet of lilies and leaning demurely against a large wagon full of flowers. (So natural! Just me and my wagon!) My coiffed hair covered by a veil, I beamed a dazzling smile over my shoulder.
I stared at this shot, taken 20 years ago, and thought: how was I ever that person? That person who believed that because I had “married well,” into a “good family,” I was destined for a lifetime of idyllic holiday cards?
I remember shortly after the wedding, sitting on the living room couch next to Prince, telling him I would like to quit my day job so I could write. I wanted to become a mother as soon as possible; what better job for a mother than to be a freelance writer working from home? Given that all our friends were affluent, most of the wives stayed at home, my sister stayed at home to raise her kids, and Prince’s family was supporting us so that even he didn’t have a regular job, my request seemed perfectly reasonable.
And, after all, wasn’t it best for the kids if the mother quit her day job and stayed home?
So I quit working. I wrote freelance magazine articles. I had a baby. I took long walks through our lovely, hilly neighborhood, pushing Luca in the stroller. And when I felt like rolling up my yoga mat and dashing off to a 10 a.m. class, I handed him over to the nanny.
And guess what? After nine years of being a SAHM and sorta freelance writer, I was briskly escorted out of the Eden that had been my married life of privilege. And I was virtually unemployable.
Now, ten years after the divorce, I am a licensed therapist with a low-paying day job and no child support. As grueling as my job is, and as exhausted as I am when I slog through the front door at 6:30 p.m., I cling to it for the insurance, the retirement plan, the paid sick leave, and the fact that, without my job, my kids and I would be sleeping in my Prius.
Yesterday, a friend posted an excellent article by journalist Katy Read, who wrote that her biggest life regret was being a SAHM — because now, post-divorce, she’s broke.
It is my biggest regret as well. That and the fact that I didn’t build a career early on that was more lucrative. If I had, and I’d kept it, I wouldn’t be moving to a 2-bedroom apartment. I wouldn’t be swallowing Klonopin at night to quell the harpy-like thoughts about what happens when my savings run out. I would be firmly planted in fiscal security and the comfort of knowing I could one day retire. I would be breathing at least a few times a day.
All the studies about what hurts kids — bottle-feeding, daycare, two working parents — pale next to the reality of the typical single mother. So when I read about those studies, and the tiresome Mommy Wars debate, I am infuriated that no one is having the conversation worth having.
Which is this:
Unless she has family money or has cashed out of Silicon Valley with many, many millions, no woman should stop working. EVER. I don’t care if you were raised Catholic, if your husband has assured you that “divorce is not an option,” that no one in your family has ever been divorced, that you and your beloved still laugh and have fabulous sex three times a week — all of that can, and does, blow up in an instant 50% of the time.
A wife morphs into a mean drunk. A husband descends into a depression from which he never emerges. One person falls in love with the neighbor, or the personal assistant, or the babysitter. Another can no longer keep the secret that he’s gay and leaves the marriage for his long-time lover. Or, after the kids have left the house, two people realize they have grown too far apart to stay together.
So, spare me the lectures about what’s best for baby, and, blech — finding a good provider early on.
Opting out is out. Getting in reality is in.
Well, you already know I think you are brilliant. I swear to God.
I recently read a NY Times article about childcare and was bothered by “just stay home” “quit your job” and other only bad mothers work type of comments. Paying for childcare is not easy and leaving kids when they are small is definitely hard, but now they see me going to work, contributing to the family and hopefully learning the lesson that they should always make sure they can provide for themselves. Like you said, you never know what life may bring.
I tell my teen daughters every day how important it is that they establish a career and stay with it even if they marry and have kids. I was a SAHM to my 4 kids and it has bitten me in the ass. Hopefully, my daughters will hire me to babysit my grandkids someday so I don’t end up living in my minivan.
Modern Matriarch: I’m hoping to be the au pere to my kids’ kids too!!
Sharon: yes, I just don’t understand the judgment about working mothers at all. We do a huge disservice to women by colluding with the fantasy that it’s safe to stop working.
Pennie: Thank you — however, I think most single moms deserve PhDs in Survival.
On the topic of regret, I think it’s important not to be too myopic. I feel you, because I too am trying to re-enter the job market and facing an uphill battle. Still, I am “lucky” enough to have insight into another perspective. My mother in law wokred her but off as she cared for two kids. She worked her way up in her industry and began to travel extensively. The money poured in, enough to sustain an affordable middle class lifestyle. For a span of about 4 years in her pursuit of success, she left her children and missed most a huge chunk of their childhoods. This was for all of their benefits. The kids missed their mother and suffered not having her around but she was a hard worker and was creating financial security for herself and them. Right? Cut to now. She is almost 70. Her industry has litte use for her (she works for peanuts under others with an eighth of her experience). She lives in a tiny one bedroom apartment and drives an old Ford. This is a classy woman who had it all. Her regret? That she missed all of that time with her kids just to end up broke and alone anyway. My point is that, in spite of my current turmoil, I look to her to balance my mostly fantastical notion that some other way would have been better; that being a career woman would have set me up for a better outcome. I am SO grateful to have had the time I did as a stay at home mom. I look at every year as a gift and know that part of life is doing what is needed when it was needed. All of that said, if I had a daughter, I would encourage her to have a career and try to sustain it once she had children but my heart breaks a little that there’s no way to “just be a mom” for a while without fear of future desititution. I’m not sure what the answer is but for those of us with SAHM behind us, there’s really no point in looking back. You don’t know, you just don’t know how things would have turned out or what regrets you might have if you had made different choices.
Surviving: great point, there are no guarantees and spending a lot of time on regret is useless. This piece was really meant as a clarion call to moms.
Surviving: I agree about not regretting the time I spent with my kids when they were little. I feel so priviledged that I had 15 years at home taking care of them without having to juggle an outside job. I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I read this post earlier today. I wonder if some sort of financial plan could have been instituted. Perhaps an agreement that if one parent stays home that in the case of divorce they will get most of the assets since they are sacrificing future earning potential. I agree with Pauline that the risks of choosing to be a SAHM need to be stated loudly and often. Even though I am glad I had all that time with my kids, I never would have chosen it if I knew how things would end up. I would have at least worked part time and kept my professional connections.
“great point, there are no guarantees and spending a lot of time on regret is useless. This piece was really meant as a clarion call to moms.” Like I said, if I had daughters, I’d give the advice to focus on career but I think we’re still selling women a bum deal. We (women collectively) wanted equal opportunities and choices. Now, we are, as a society adapted to two family incomes so there’s once again, no choice but for women to go to work even if we/they want to focus on raising our families. The ultimate irony is that women are now more often breadwinners and getting paid less compared to working men and in another odd twist, more men are staying home! I don’t think there are any easy answers. I don’t romanticize what might have been if I had worked more when my kids were little. Would my ex have slacked off and earned less? Would I have been worn to a nub and struggled to juggle it all (heck that happened even without full time employment)? Would I (like my good friend who worked a corporate job and was the breadwinner) have gotten laid off after 14 years of dilligent service and been forced to live off hard earned savings just as my kid was about to go to college? We are all reinventing the wheel here but I think we women are getting the shaft no matter how you slice it. And, I’d like to add, I’m willing to bet that the enormous increase in wealth of the richest among us has been earned by the added profits generated by women entering the workforce. In a perfect world, two working parents would mean an improved lifestyle for that family, now it’s just status quo. Sorry for my diatribe, this really is complex and disillusioning.
Keep writing Pauline! You’re candor and insights are so refreshing and illuminating. I believe you’ve got great things in store for you!Just hang in there.
ModernMatriarch- I TOTALLY agree. The only thing is that I see women struggling to find work and remain viable as they get older even with many connections and having never dropped the ball! It’s kind of what saves me from chastizing myself too harshly. Of course I was naive, of course in hindsight etc. But, I have to tell you, if I had missed a huge chunk of my kids’ childhoods and/or been multitasking to a nub the whole time, and I still ended up with limited finances and work prospects (and of course dating prospects), I’d be ten times more depressed. AbsoFinglutely on the predetermined agreement regarding the value of the SAHM. That’s a great idea.
Surviving — no diatribe at all, it’s great to get your thoughtful contribution to the conversation. I should mention that I was able to work part-time until my alimony ran out so I got to see more of my kids than I would have otherwise. And against my financial planner’s advice (that was during the day when I still had money), I hired (mostly) good nannies instead of putting my youngest in daycare, which would have been cheaper. Two of those nannies are still like family, so I don’t regret that decision even though it was an expensive one.
My Mother raised me with the following statement. NEVER become financially dependent on a man. Year after year I heard this. For a southern woman in her day, that was a pretty radical statement. I will forever be grateful for her wisdom.
I ABSOLUTELY agree with you on this! I will NEVER be financially dependent on a man again.
I used to be the managing editor for Working Mother magazine and I can tell you this is a constant debate. I remembered debating it with my 60s baby editor who thought women worked because they wanted to. I said yes thank you for breaking that ceiling for us, I know it was hard, but the truth is it also made it so we have to work now. That said, I’d still choose this era over that one. I divorced an awful man who started out as my best friend. He got more and more strange as my ten year marriage went on. He was verbally abusive and controlling. He pushed me to have a second child, which I wanted, but something said it was a bad idea. I gave up my job at Working Mother (yes the irony does not fail me) to stay home with my daughter but I still freelanced, sold real estate and kept my skills up.
Im skipping a lot but when I asked for a divorce he really put a bullseye on my back. He was diagnosed borderline personality disorder. After two hellish years fighting this very scary man, I am now on my own. And while I had to give up the big house for the little NYC apt I am thankful every day for the bullet i dodged. I can focus on my child AND my career because that needy, psychological drain is for the most part out of my life. I wholeheartedly agree to never give up your career or let your skill set slide. Never count on a man to support you, and by all means keep in the loop on technology.
My other advice to every working mother, and I know it seems shallow but it’s the truth. Do not let yourself go. Get your roots done, nails done, get that extra weight off, or don’t let it get on, invest in your wardrobe, and seriously, get a few injectables for those wrinkles if they bother you. It’s not vanity. Humans are visual creatures. How you project yourself to the workplace really is a reflection on you. If you don’t treat yourself as valuable why should anyone else? So I know moms who wear those stained sweat shirts like a badge of honor, and brag about how they’ve gone six months without a proper haircut. And I’ve been that person so I have a right to say it. And i know it’s expensive. But do what you can. It affects your career. I saw a big difference when I started paying more attention to myself. I’m not saying get a boob job or start dressing trashy, just resist the urge to slack. It really does make a difference. It shouldn’t, but it does.
I will always be grateful that I remained in the workforce. I was active duty military when my girls were born. My ex and I were married for 19 years. After my 6 year enlistment was up, I went to college. Armed with a degree in American History, I fell into IT because 1) there was a job opening in Germany and 2) I could spell computer. When my ex left for greener pastures, I could very well support myself, a daughter in college, and a daughter in high school. The advice I give all women is to be able to support themselves financially because you just never know.
Christine – what a story! It’s wonderful to get your perspective as a former Working Mother editor. And I’m totally with you on the keep-yourself-up issue.
Peggy — that’s an inspiring life story! What a great example you set for your daughters.
I wholeheartedly agree with this post! I am a single mom – Ex left me with two teen boys, very little child support and a nice fat tax bill (and nothing else due to his poor business decisions leaving us literally broke) when he decided he “loved me but wasn’t in love with me” and needed to “find himself and work on his happiness” (yes….he spouted all those cliches that seem funny to me…now). Thankfully, I had kept my toe in the workforce throughout our 20 years of marriage and raising children and had accepted a raise and promotion to full time at my job just a few years prior (I had been 3/4 time there in an admin capacity – went into a management level position). I have been able to rent a nice home in a safe neighborhood, buy my oldest a car, pay off the tax bill and have just started saving for a down payment for a “forver home” in a few years. I would have never, EVER thought my Ex could leave me…much less leave me with two children and child support that amounts to a few trips to the grocery store due to his not having a reliable (verifiable) income. I would have never, EVER thought I would be totally alone in having to provide a home for my boys and for all their needs. I thought I married “well” – he was older, charming, loving, great education, good family, blah blah blah. Ladies, it CAN happen to you no matter how “well” you think you have chosen. It DOES happen to over 50% of marriages. What makes you think you are that special?? I thank the Lord every day that I never gave up my career. I enjoyed working and had the example of my mother who was our sole breadwinner growing up due to my dad’s poor health and eventual death when I was just out of college. Life comes at you with things you would never imagine…you can’t leave yourself that vulnerable and definitely not your children. You owe it to your children to always have a way to take care of them regardless of your marital status.
Nicole, you’re an inspiration. And a realist! Thanks for weighing in.
Brilliant post. As much as I wanted the stay-at-home-mom lifestyle for my family, we couldn’t quite make it all match up, we wanted top schools, top neighborhood, etc. She did keep her hand in work after the kids got to be about three, and transitioned into more part-time work as they grew older. She even retooled her career completely while I was still doing the daddy corporate gig. And I’m glad she did. Since the divorce she’s been the more consistently employed, at least with the FT and benefits that I covered for the kids. I’m grateful she has financial stability, and I’m doing what I can to keep up and current. Most of all, we’re still together in the financial and parenting roles. So we need to hope and help for the other person.
Great article. Thanks.
Nadine — being a high-conflict divorce survivor myself, I know it’s no picnic. Congrats to you for thriving — and thanks for the tip on the Leslie Bennetts book, I will have to read that.
J — it’s great to get a divorced dad’s perspective. Also: can I trade you for my ex-husband? 🙂
Thank you so much for coming out and saying what so many of us have discovered the hard way- we have NO CONTROL over the fact that we could end up divorced at any time. As a divorced mom of 3 kids who totally supported my ex-husband’s career during 20 yrs or marriage by relocating 7 times all over the country on a moment’s notice, I now am paying the price in spades when it comes to financial independence.
An extremely expensive custody battle combined with trying to break back into the job market as a paralegal in a totally over-saturated job field in Fall 2008 after 20 yrs of being out of the workforce was damaging beyond measure.
I now am a divorce strategist, contributor to Huff Post and divorcedmoms.com and also starting a career in real estate.
But if I hadn’t given up my “career plans’ for a man years ago, I wouldn’t be so consumed with worry late at night now.
Masters Degree stayed home worked PT for over 20 yrs nothing on own oension. Late fifties he pulls the plug just as kids out of house. Unstable, no insurance, lost family and home can’t afford to keep. Should have stayed working!!
Yes to everything you said, Nancy.
Pauline –
First, wanted to tell you I have been following you for the past year and I have been enjoying your writing very much. I am so sorry for the difficulties you have been dealing with.
Second, I am not divorced and I am happily married. However, this question of working has weighed heavily on me. I had my first child at 38 almost 18 months ago. I have continued to work out side the home. I have a Master’s Degree in my field and I enjoy my job very much and I have a boss that I adore and therefore plan on continuing to work…but I really feel my quality of life is well mostly awful a lot of the time. I am pretty much constantly tired between trying to keep up with home, work, husband, mommy. I sometimes feel myself being drained away and I am one of the lucky ones! I have grandparents who live not to far and help every month or so.
I also want to shake people who ask about baby number two. Honestly, I know if we choose to have number two (and who knows if it is even a possiblity given my age), it would mean that financially speaking it would overwhelm us and we are two reasonably paid professionals.
I do wish however that I could’ve been home with her for the first year of her life. And if we had a national family leave program that was even somewhat comparable to other industrialized countries I could have and would have. If we as a country want to start really supporting mothers the way so many say we do, we need to start having some conversations not about the hallmark version of the way things ought to be, but the way things are and have some policies that let people take a step back whilst not risking their long term future.
Kelly — no question, it’s incredibly hard to work full-time when your kids are young. I was able to work part-time when I first got divorced so I was around a lot when my daughter was a toddler and I wouldn’t trade that. But you raise good points — we are not set up at all, as a culture, to support families. It does take a village and we don’t have that anymore. Sweden does, apparently. Maybe we should all move there.
About your feeilngs of not being there when your daughter was an infant: my mother stayed home with me the first year, then went back to work full-time (and cleaned the house, cooked the meals, paid the bills and took care of my dad!). I never felt deprived or wished she were a SAHM. She was a great inspiration.
Finally, about having more than one kid — we are still programmed that kids need siblings when the reality is, as you said, it’s just not viable for many families. For many people, having even one child isn’t viable. And it’s just so exhauting now, the pressure that’s put on mothers to be Uber-Moms. As much as I love my kids, I really dislike being a mother in this culture. And there is more to life than children.
What makes you think no one is having this conversation? This is exactly what I advised my daughter, based on years and years of no child support, plus an ex-husband who “lost” every job he ever held. I never quit working, taking a short 6-month leave with each of my two babies.
Both my children–boy and girl–knew from early childhood that two things were expected. First…a college degree. Second…having a full-time job no matter what. It’s important for men and women to be able to support their families whether they are a couple or are single.
I remember a lot of snide comments about my being a “working” mother–about how my children were going to suffer and how much better it would have been for me to stay home. Well. I was right–and the critics were wrong. My children’s father–who held many well-paying professional jobs–didn’t stay in any job too long. I had PTSD from his “woe is me” phone calls. Someone had to have a steady income and insurance to cover the family: that was me.
And no, my children didn’t suffer. I wasn’t there to give them cookies in the afternoon after school, but I chose their day care and after school care very carefully so that they were with supportive people when I wasn’t around (and how is that different than turning them over to a nanny or sending them out to play after school?). We did that “quality” time thing…you know, where you pay attention to your children when you’re with them? I had a wonderful time playing with my children, taking them places, sharing their interests.
When I divorced their father, it was a struggle to not have child support (or the occasional second paycheck when we were together). And it was scary.
Today…my children are grown, have famlies, and are working parents. Both hold very good jobs. My daughter graduated summa cum laude from college–and my son has won state and national awards for his work. I hope they never have to face divorce–but if they do, they are both prepaired to take care of their families.
So true! I quit college to care for a step child (who I adore) and have my own two children. I too had a nanny and spent my mornings with a personal trainer or on the yoga mat. After 25 years of marriage, I now find myself divorced and looking for professional work. Although I went back to school and even got a graduate degree, after being a stay at home mom for 25 plus years, it is extremely difficult to reenter the job market. I regret the career I didn’t have. My children are all grown and self sufficient. I feel I could have at least worked part time to bolster my experience when I needed to work full time. Every woman should be able to support herself. My biggest mistake was believing, “Stay home with the children, I’ll take care of us financially.” When “us” is over, no one takes care of you but YOU.
This is 100% true. I ended up divorced at 55 yrs. and believe me my mother’s words haunt me to this day about NEVER giving up one’s financial power and security. I’ve inched my way back into the job market and will never retire, working menial jobs (my ex squandered our finances on women, booze, and drugs and getting fired from every job). I sweat daily to take leaps not steps to stay a head. I have grown children who have their education and whom I’m so proud of. They have moved on in their lives (as they should) and do recall their Mom being there daily for their every need, but as warm and fuzzy as that memory is, they’d much prefer I was in a better position in my life.