I took a mental health day yesterday and stayed home from work. A week-and-a-half-ago, after I blogged about all the good nights’ sleep I’d been getting, I found myself awake at 4:00 a.m. for ten days straight.
It was that middle-of-the-night, eyes-wide-open brand of insomnia that whispers scenarios of doom in your ear: financial fiascos, obscure, yet terminal diseases, and in my case, the prospect of having to send my kids back to Prince because I can no longer afford to care for them without child support.
Prince and I had recently exchanged a couple of OFW e-mails which began with me explaining my financial situation, what would likely happen if child support did not resume, and did he have any suggestions?
Well, he did. He wrote back that “desperate times call for desperate measures” and I needed to learn to manage my money. I didn’t need a 3-bedroom, he said. I could put the kids — a wildly inappropriate combination of a 16-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl — in the same room. Maybe one of them could even sleep on the den. An idea ludicrous if for no other reason that my 1300-square foot apartment doesn’t come with a den.
He had other ideas. I should not be leasing a car. I should buy a used car. I should add a part-time job to my already 40-hour-a-week full-time job. I should jettison the cleaning lady (she comes once a month) and have Franny clean the house.
I kid you not.
And for God’s sake, get rid of the babysitter! The babysitter I need in part because there is no magic carpet ride to transport Franny home from school.
Also? I should never have sold the house he and I owned together, which would have been cheaper than rent. He did not mention that the mortgage was about to go up because it was only a ten-year-fix and there were also property taxes and insurance to pay. He also omitted the fact that he would not let me stay there when I got remarried.
Well, who was I for thinking I should go on with my life? That I deserved to be happy? I mean, really!
I considered writing back my own remedy for my “desperate times.” I wanted to suggest that he sell one of his two vacant homes, the one that has, by my estimation, a million in equity. He could take a fraction of that money and pay me a lump sum in child support and the kids would not have to share a bedroom, sleep on the floor, clean the house, or hitchhike their way home from school.
But I didn’t. I tried not to introject Prince’s tacit message:
I will not stop till you are reduced to selling strawberries by the roadside, and then I will come after your strawberries.
But I did introject that message. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, that I had much farther to tumble.
So I stopped sleeping. Night after night, I awoke to 4:00 in neon-green on my bedside table. I tossed and turned and in the morning slogged myself into the shower, drove Franny to school, and arrived at my desk at work, semi-functional.
Every afternoon, my eyes drooped to slits and I sunk my head into my hands by the computer. I could barely read or write. Piles of paperwork stacked higher and higher. I locked the door to my office, closed the blinds and laid down on the coach, praying that sleep would take me over for a half hour.
But it didn’t. It didn’t come in the afternoon. And it didn’t come at 4:00 a.m.
Tuesday I awoke even earlier, at 3:00 a.m. I was so tired that I felt like I might throw up. It took every smattering of energy to pull my clothes on. My prescription to Klonopin had expired months ago. I didn’t want to start taking it again, but as Prince said, “desperate times call for desperate measures.” So I phoned the pharmacy for a refill.
The problem was that Tuesday is my late day at work and I don’t get off till 8:00 a.m. So I wouldn’t be able to pick up the prescription until the next day.
My last session was at 7. I was working with a particularly oppositional client and struggled to keep my head above the churning hostility in the air. It seemed to take minutes in between the sentences I pasted together. I heard myself speak but wasn’t sure what I was saying. I hoped that I was coming across more lucid than I felt.
And then I noticed my client staring at me.
“I don’t understand anything you said.”
“Neither do I!” I wanted to sob. But I didn’t. I drove home from work and decided it was time to stop being St. Pauline of Gaines. If I didn’t take a mental health day, I would lose all of my remaining marbles.
* * *
Yesterday morning after I dropped Franny off at school, I drove to the pharmacy, crawled to the counter, and picked up my Single Mother’s Little Helper. When I got home, I collapsed on my bed, where I stayed for hours, reading blog posts and articles on-line.
I read a piece about “Moms On The Brink,” a new book written by a stressed-out working mother who believes that many working moms are on the brink of insanity due to the increasingly demanding workplace and juggling housework and childcare at home.
While I think it is an important book, and I related to it, I also found myself frustrated. As I do when I read most of the au courant opt-out stories. Because most of the women who write these stories are MARRIED.
As hard as life is for married working moms, life is exponentially harder for single working moms. Unlike our married counterparts, we don’t have husbands to fall back on should we lose our jobs. And for those of us without child support, we are solely responsible for keeping rooves over our heads.
We don’t have husbands who can pinch-hit when the kids get sick at school, or schlep one kid to a playdate while we take the other to tutoring, or hang out with the kids in the evening until we get home from work.
Whenever I read about a harried married working mom who has “opted out” and taken the freight train to Freelance Shangri-La, I want to smash my laptop into tiny little bits. I would love to hop on that same freight train, as I have no doubt being a freelancer would improve my quality of life, which would make me a more available mother, which would benefit the kids.
But I can’t. I don’t have that option. And if Prince doesn’t pony up some child support, I’m going to be “leaning in” to an extent Sheryl Sandburg can’t fathom.
I have no solution to the Single Mom Blues. But yesterday I did what I could. I called in sick. I laid in bed till 5 p.m. I pulled on running clothes and went for a jog hoping to activate my dormant endorphins. And at 10 p.m., I swallowed a little white pill which almost instantly relaxed my agitated limbs and beckoned me into the first full-night’s slumber I’d had in a long time.
Gosh, Pauline. I’m sitting here reading this thinking…well, all sorts of things. My brain really doesn’t function well, either, and I’m also going through a tough time, but your story makes mine seem like damn happily-ever-after. I’m 24 and (unhappily) married to a 29-year-old drug addict and we have a 13 month old son. I’m preparing to move my son and I to a friend’s house…and worrying about the whole money and no-real-place-to-live thing. I work with a temp agency now, so no predictable income, and I’m scared. But geez, Pig Prince seems worse than Drug Addict. I usually try to stay optimistic, but all I can say is I feel you, and thank you for sharing.
PS- I’m a Monkee and found out about you through Momastery about a month or two ago. I’ve only read a few of your posts, but I’ll keep up more. My thoughts are with you!
So sorry to hear this
Life is just not easy at times I am going through absolute hell at work with the most awful boss and I’ve finally admitted to myself it’s time to move on! Easier said than done when you are single mom there is LOTS to consider. Sleepless nights (which are many) exasperates an already awful situation! I really do empathize with you Pauline, sending positive vibes your way. As someone told me recently things will get better.. they HAVE to.. here’s hoping for both of us!
Pauline, thank you for this one. You are soooo not alone. I’ve been talking with my lawyer about how to stop my ex’s bullying and financial abuse, and just got the answer back, which I will paraphrase: “you’re screwed”. I send you love and good sleep vibes. This single mom gig comes with a toolbox of things I never imagined would be involved in raising children.
Oh — I LOVE Momastery! And all the Monkees. Glad that blog sent you my way.
But, but, but…WHY does he get to choose if he pays you child support or not? I may be a little (or a lot) naive, but I thought that the legal child support guidelines sought to balance financial inequities between households. Can you not ask for a child support review?
And also, he’s a prick. Worse than mine. By far. And that is bad.
Hope you get some good sleep soon.
(
Frog needs to pony up some damn child support. People like him should not be allowed to walk upright.
I qm asking for a child support review, EJ, and yes, the whole purpose of child support is to balance financial inequities between households. I think people often forget that’s the point.
I understand that We don’t see the whole picture and were never part of your relationship before so I’m not trying to overstep, but some of Prince’s ideas are not terrible ones. Buying a used car is a much better option than leasing (in most cases). A lot of single moms do work more than 40 hours a week to take care of their kids. Maybe finding a Mom who could carpool Franny would be a nice financial relief. I just hope you know that although you and Prince have a terrible past, some of his ideas actually make a lot of sense. Now, him bein a millionaire and paying no child support is a separate issue, and he’s definitely in the wrong. But if you working extra and downgrading your car means you could keep your kids, I’m sure you’d be willing to do that for them.
Jewel, my lifestyle has been downgraded dramatically over the course of ten years. Unfortunately, Franny’s school is an hour away and there is no carpool available. I think working 40 hours a week is plenty. Prince’s argument is ludicrous because he misses the point of child support — it is to equalize lifestyles, not grind one person’s into the ground while the other is living large. Prince’s ideas do not come from pragmatism, they come from a desire to punish me.
Team Pauline. And EJ. And Colleen.
I’ve been a poor single mother and it sucks. But it will get better. Maybe he’ll get struck by lightning…
Gabi, I always love hearing from you.
I have only been reading this blog for a short while, but I have read it long enough to realize that you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. I am sure that you know emailing Prince is a waste of your time; he will never see the light or have an epiphany, but having a selfish ex myself, I know how easy it is to get sucked into the ‘maybe things are better’ vortex. Jewel, I get where you are coming from, but in a few short years, Prince will decide that Frannie needs to live with him. Coincidently, this will be right about the time he is scheduled to begin making child support payments and when Frannie will be old enough to take care of herself. He will even use the second job that he suggested against Pauline. I don’t know if Prince comes from old money with an old trust fund or new money earned and controlled solely by his parents, so I am probably rubbing salt in the wound with this observation, but Prince probably owns nothing. If the trust fund is old money it is family money, not Prince’s money, and as Frannie’s guardian, depending on how the trust was set up, there could be money from the trust for her living expenses. I guess that I am encouraging you to look at all your options and not accept what you have been told by Prince or his parents as the truth.
Yes, Marie, and regarding his suggestion that I jettison babysitting: I was actually advised AGAINST that by an attorney who said it could be used against me since Franny is not yet twelve and Prince could say she’s a latch key kid. So you are right, damned if you do and damned if you don’t, and you can bet he will try to modify the pittance of child support I’m supposed to get in 2015.
Jesus H Christ, with a few millions less – you could be describing MY ex… (“He will only be satisfied if he thinks he has completely broken me down”)
If I hear (second-hand from my son) one more crack about how he “subsidizes my lifestyle”, I could easily lose it!
(Currently chewing my fingernails down to the quick as I await latest judge’s ruling.)
I heard a story about a girl whose mother had to fight her father for every penny of child support her whole life. He and the mom split up when the girl was just a babe in arms. When it was time for the girl to go to college, her dad conveniently picked a fight with her, over-reacted, and decided that his daughter just didn’t want him in her life anymore. It’s been 2 years. I have a feeling when she graduates, he’ll inexplicably feel moved to forgive her and have a relationship again.
I’m sitting here at the end of my workday with a ton on my mind, and I can feel my blood pressure going up. Pauline, I want so much better for you.
Thanks, Mrs. O.
Until and unless you get more money from the child support review, he legally does not owe you a cent as you well know, and he isn’t gong to pay anything he does not have to pay. You have known this and have let us all well know this. If you are running out of money, you are going to have to come up with some very quick cuts in monthly obligations, and start looking for a one bedroom apartment. If there is a student “ghetto” around, that might be a good bet in terms of finding cheap housing. I know a lot of moms my age who did that. My best friend had no bedroom until her daughter was 30 as she gave her the bedroom, and her two sons when they visited got the sofas and she would move into the daughter’s room those nights. And most of us do not have cleaning ladies, not even once a year. It’s a tough go, and you need to look at how people on incomes less than yours live. There are such people, and some do raise their kids and manage to have decent lives.
You are absolutely right that books like “Moms On the Brink” do not even begin to address the issues that a single mom has and the options bemoaned by those in such books are ones that single moms wish they even had. I think you might have a book in you about moms truly on the brink, and really how difficult it is to go from middle class to lower middle and skirting the poverty level. What to do, how to do it, how to survive. Because I hope you do survive this.
Pauline, regarding your review of child support – my ex had a business, so much of our family expenses were under “business” and his income was artificially low. I was able to get my hands on Sam’s Club receipts, just for an example, and I circled things that were clearly not for business, but for personal, and that helped me boost his real income up, so my cs calculations were a bit higher. Of course, since you are long divorced, you can’t go snooping through his office as I did, but can you find ways like that to prove income, by his spending?
Also, if you can’t afford your daughter’s babysitter, can you present this to Prince? I know its a long shot, but maybe he can pay to spare her from switching to a neighborhood school. (I assume there is one, but there’s a reason she’s at a school far away). I know it’s a long shot, but maybe he cares more about her than punishing you?
JS, he won’t pay for anything. He thinks the babysitter is a frivolity, when in fact there is no other way to get her home from school, which is an hour away, and no one is close enough to carpool with. I only use the sitter six hours a week, but still, it adds up. Also, my attorney had warned me NOT to let go of the babysitter because Franny is not yet twelve. And, no, I don’t think he cares more about her than punishing me. What kind of wealthy father is content to let his (boy and girl) kids share a room or sleep on the floor?
Pauline, anything he gets from his parents over $13,000 is INCOME. I really hope you get the child support you are rightfully entitled to. And a decent judge who sees through this.
Thanks, Joceylyn — I know the year I deposed him he got well over that in annual gifts…
JS- Gifts are not income to the recipient. Gifts over $13,000/ year (with a few technical exceptions) are taxable to the giver. However, Prince’s income is probably not income that shows up on a 1040 (personal income tax) but is probably 1041 income from a trust. Depending on the terms of the trust, the trust files the income tax return, not Prince. The proceeds could be tax free if none of the money is from interest on investments. The only way that Pauline might get a foot in the door to take a look at the trust is if it is an older trust that stipulated payments to her children. This is why I previously suggested that she contact the IRS to see if her children have received any interest income. Anything greater than $10 is reported to the IRS, but Pauline would never see it since the children might not be required to file an income tax return, or it could be filed by prince on behalf of the children without Pauline’s knowledge. I would be shocked if the exes would make that mistake, but I know from personal experience that people who are narcissistic think that they are so much smarter than everybody else. If they did slip up when hiding assets, as the custodial parent, Pauline might have the right to see the terms of the trust and petition the trustees for cost of living payments for the children. As a plus, the court would probably frown on someone receiving assets for a child while paying no child support.
Marie, you need to start a financial advice blog for screwed-over exes. Really.
Thanks for your support, Claudia. You’re an inspiration.
Hugs to you! I can so relate to your situation. My Ex’s response to my request in mediation for an increase in child support (based on the fact that I have our two children 100% of the time and his income is 20% higher than mine or more…I can’t verify completely as he is “self employed”) was that I needed to move to a 2 bedroom apartment (since my current 3 bedroom rental in a modest – but safe – neighborhood is so indulgent – there are ghetto areas that would be much more appropriate places for us to reside), get rid of my son’s car (that he needs to get to work and is an old piece of junk), cut back on what I spend on food (since 12 and 17 year old boys don’t need to eat so much), and stop all the “ordering Domino’s pizza for dinner” (since I only work TWO jobs to the tune of 50+ hours a week I should have all the time in the world to whip up cheap homemade dinners every night). Meanwhile he takes his girlfriend on trips to the beach and football games and maintains club level (luxury box) season basketball tickets, etc. etc.
I literally had to bite off a piece of my tongue not to scream at him and be forever branded as “that crazy client” by the attorney. The mediator/attorney kindly pointed out to me that based on the income that he “reports” on his tax return, I would not be awarded any additional support. The Ex sat there and gloated. And this was on my birthday as well. How do men like our Ex’s live with themselves?? Just the mere thought of him makes me want to throw up….
Having experienced the nightmare of divorce from a high-earning but very controlling narcissist, he’s made my life a living hell when it comes to providing for our 3 kids during the last 6 years.
Even during the beginning of our very lengthy divorce when he moved in with a married (thrice-divorced) alcoholic, he refused to pay temporary support ordered by the court and I had to file contempt charges each month for 6 months in a row. The judge was lazy and decided to deal with all of them at the end of our case which dragged on for 18 months due to delays and high conflict. At the time, I was in a paralegal night school program since I had been home with the kids for many years due to frequently relocating all over the country for his job and his constant job travel schedule.
I found out firsthand that the court where I live doesn’t give one whit about whether dads are adequately and consistently supporting their 3 children and child support is cut off at 18 here even when that same child goes on to college and is still living with me.
Since my now-ex insisted had schemed ahead about how to look as broke as possible before our divorce even started, he insisted on starting a biz and then claimed his income was zero and the court didn’t use his previous corporate salary even though he’d worked for a national corporation for nearly 20 years.
Due to his new self-employment, a year after our divorce finalized, I had to hire an attorney and forensic accountant to subpoena and determine his ‘income’ and then have the accountant come to court testify against his own hired accountant expert in a post-decree child support modification trial that took 18 months to move through our crowded court system in Ohio.
Even after all that, I barely got much of an increase as the judge claimed that the two accountants were ‘too far apart’ in their estimates of what ex’s true self-employment income was for child support purposes. And the cost of this extra 18 months of post-decree stress was a very stress-filled and expensive exercise in frustration.
No wonder you and I both need mother’s little helpers from time to time!
Nancy, I think your ex and mine were separated at birth.