Recently, I looked at the generic, snowy-treed WordPress banner at the top of this blog and decided it had to go. So I hired a reasonably-priced website designer to design a logo that actually evokes the tone of my blog.
In the next few weeks the face-lifted Perils of Divorced Pauline will appear. Without tipping my hat too much, I will reveal that the logo will feature a vintage damsel-in-distress image in keeping with the original Perils of Pauline serial that inspired this blog.
A few days ago, I was musing over the mock-up of the new logo, wondering if the damstrel-in-distress image comes off less as vintage camp, as it is intended, and more fragile and wimpy.
Several people, including a troll, have told me my blog title indicates that I am stuck in a years-old divorce and I need to move on. One divorce blogger, whom I respect, suggested that the title doesn’t do my innate chutzpah-ness justice.
So I started to think about their comments, and I wondered if I should jettison the distressed damsel…
…for something more superwoman-ish, to show that I have weathered one gnarly divorce and even gnarlier custody battle, and have come out the other side all I-am-woman-hear-me-roar.
And then, when I was musing on this, I found an envelope inside my daughter’s backpack. A large manila envelope with the ominous words “unpaid medical expenses” scrawled on top, in Prince’s handwriting. This was not good, I thought, because I always reimburse him for my half of the kids’ medical expenses.
I felt the familiar mixture of stomach-lurching and blood-pressure-spiking that had been my daily companions during the custody battle. I took a deep breath and opened the envelope, extracting a half-inch-thick stack of papers.
Disclaimer: if you have not been through a bad divorce, a bad divorce that clings to you like a lifelong bilious hangover, the rest of this may not interest you and you may want to return to Facebook, or Twitter, or your job. I will not be the least bit offended.
If, however, you have had the kind of divorce from which you can never truly move on, you will want to keep reading. What follows is right up your Xanax-strewn alley.
Prince claims that I owe him close to $10,000 for the family therapy I have participated in since Luca went to wilderness camp. Despite the fact that our stipulation states, practically in neon letters, that Prince is solely responsible for every last dime of Luca’s school costs, from mandated therapy down to #2 pencils.
This agreement is fair for a couple of reasons. Prince has school choice, and can enroll Luca anywhere without my consent. He has chosen to enroll him in a school that costs $120,000 a year — and that’s just the tuition! Prince, who you may recall, doesn’t actually work, also doesn’t pay the tuition. His phenomenonally wealthy parents do, as they do for all the Machiavelli grandchildren.
But what are reason, rules, and court orders, to Prince? Laws are for the little people!! Of which I am one, and he is not.
You have to be rich to have a child whose behavioral issues are so significant that residential treatment is necessary. Because, not only do you have to pay for residential treatment, but you also have to pay for psychological evaluations and school placement specialists, and consultations with psychiatrists, and God knows what else.
But all of these things, according to the stipulation, are things Prince has to pay for. The other thing he has to do is to facilitate my involvement in Luca’s treatment.
Which is why I found it infuriating, but typically Prince-like, that he is charging me for being interviewed by the psychologist who tested Luca. It is true, as Prince wrote in his letter, that the psychologist didn’t ask for my involvement initially. But he didn’t ask because Prince had told him I was “mentally ill” and “out of the picture.” Once I faxed the psychologist the stipulation and chewed his negligent ass out for lack of due diligence — meaning he never read the custody order to substantiate Prince’s claims — he was more than happy to interview me.
Because I am, you know, Luca’s mother. So my input is actually important.
Prince is also stating that I shouldn’t have my own family therapy sessions with Luca, one, because I am irrelevant, and two, because this is an extra charge.
We have separate family therapy phone sessions because the psychologist who evaluated Luca as well as his current therapist recommended that we have separate sessions.
If we were both in the same session, Prince would argue with anything I said. And Luca is quite open at this point that he feels stressed out when he’s with the two of us.
Every mental health professional who is aware that I exist and am not, in fact, running a meth lab in my basement or shacking up with registered sex offenders, has told Prince that my involvement in Luca’s treatment is necessary for his recovery.
But, again, why should Prince heed the advice of the experts in charge of Luca’s care? They are just more of those “little people” to be flicked away like gnats.
So Prince has informed me that his lawyer will be calling my lawyer to deal with the “fact” that I am in contempt of the court order. Which I am not. If anyone is in contempt it is Prince, who has obstructed my involvement in Luca’s treatment at every turn.
What Prince is really saying, beyond his belief that I owe him this ridiculous sum of money, is that I must pay for the right to have a place in my son’s life.
Which is just the slightest bit insulting.
So after I turned to Atticus in a hyperventilating panic, he, in his Atticus way, gently peeled me off the ceiling and assured me that, should Prince actually make good on his threat, we would go into court, win the case, and ask the judge to order Prince to pay for my attorney’s fees.
That’s what should happen, but will it? As far as I’m concerned, a trip to Family Court is a trip down the rabbit hole. Logic is often defied. Crazy rich people often win. Non-crazy, non-rich people often go bankrupt.
And that, my bloggy friends, is why I’m keeping my damsel-in-distress logo. Having children with Prince means that I can never truly have a moment’s peace or a good night’s sleep because danger does lurk at every turn.
Even when the kids are grown and out of the house, he will just find more insidious ways to undermine me. Like luring Luca and Franny from my deathbed with a chartered space shuttle to Mars that just happens to coincide with my impending demise, and a shrug that says: you wouldn’t want to deny the children this one-time-only trip, would you?
The other reason I’m sticking with my logo? Despite all the distress, plucky Pauline always finds her way out of seemingly impossible jams. She may be running from dastardly villains in her petticoats and lace-up boots, but she ultimately outpaces them, or wrests herself from their grasp.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Stay tuned for the next installment of Prince-drags-Pauline’s-Ass-Back-to-Court — and for my awesome new logo!
Just know that some of us understand, truly.
Keep your trademark image. It suits. And the situation is very real, and it likely won’t be going away anytime soon.
Now imagine this without an Atticus to peel you off the ceiling. Or anyone else. So give that man a cigar, or a kiss…
xo
You rock and your logo is perfect (you kinda are too). I have no doubt that your influence on your kids, no matter how much he tries to limit it, will seep through and they’ll come out stronger and with better values because of it. They’ll see their chartered rocket ride for what it is and stay by you. xo
Thanks, S!
Although my financial conflicts don’t come anywhere near the galaxy-sized ones you have to deal with, I’m definitely in the “stomach-lurching and blood-pressure-spiking” crowd. In the last month, I’ve had a few people say to me, as if they have just discovered this, that I should “get over it,” “put a smile on my face and show him he can’t win,” “live my own life and not worry about him,” and other platitudes that, if they worked, I would have done eons ago. That’s the point of view of your trolls and sometimes others who had a different divorce than yours. It’s not the reality of having children with someone who hates your guts.
Your picture doesn’t show the woman getting run over…she’s in a tough spot but not yet in three pieces. She’s got some hope. It’s not ideal to be tied up and facing doom, but that’s just the way it is sometimes. I hear you.
You nailed it, JMB — there are divorces and then there are nightmare divorces. Conventional wisdom does nothing for the latter, but having a sense of humor and a blogging community helps!
HAHAHA! Thanks for the offer, cuckoos nest…I may have to take you up on it…:)
It’s one of the great things about blogging, isn’t it, Leaving Divorceville? You find those other people who have walked the same path. May we all get back to the garden.
I can completely relate and I love your logo decision. I am thankful for the stories of other strong women like yourself and I am thankful for the Atticus’ out there. Hugs- Tina
http://www.onemomsbattle.com
I love the humor inherent in the Perils of Pauline. And I agree that it’s impossible to truly move on if your ex spouse keeps harassing you in this manner. He’s actually the one who can’t move on, for whatever disturbed, pathetic reasons he has. Keep strategically fighting off his nonsense. And keep in mind that it’s mostly noise; he can’t win this one in court, and my guess is that he already knows it.
Thanks, Tina!
Honestly, I didn’t think the Perils of Pauline related specifically to your divorce. I thought it was more about the perils of daily living.
That said, your ex is a first-class ahole.
Ha! I just realized it’s the Perils of Divorced Pauline. I guess I thought it was about a divorced woman who was talking about daily life. I didn’t even pay that much attention to the divorced part.
My experiences are completely different than yours, but there is power and interest to all good writing and storytelling’s, and I get much from reading your bloc. I think that if I were to only read those whose lives are exactly like mine, I’d go insane.
I love the idea of a re-design and would actually like to know who you might recommend.
Sorry about typos. I’m on a kindle.
You rock Pauline!
Thank you! Sent you an FB message.
Thank you, Annie!
Thanks, J — your sardonic firm hand on my shoulder is always appreciated.
I read the Cuckoo’s Nest as well as this blog…..Cuckoo, aren’t you trying to be anonymous? I’m a friendly-but-random-person-on-the-internet, but I just saw your name here. If I can see it, can’t anyone who hunts around? Including Stanley? Just something to consider.
To both of you, Pauline and Cuckoo, thank you for sharing your stories, and for helping someone newer to the divorce process to get some laughs, some understanding, and some comraderie along the way. I appreciate you both!
Thank you, Kristina! Best of luck to you as you navigate this process.
“Once I faxed the psychologist the stipulation and chewed his negligent ass out for lack of due diligence — meaning he never read the custody order to substantiate Prince’s claims — he was more than happy to interview me.”
Been there, done that! Pissed my ex off once the docs involved realized I wasn’t the crazy one. Once I became involved with the process my ex refused to continue to take part in the ongoing counseling for my son. He only associates with people who have not yet discovered his mental deficiencies.
You will go to court if he pursues it and you will win. He will then have a new court order to defy. Or that is how it always went in my situation. But, you have to go to court. They leave us no option but to defend ourselves in order to protect our relationship with our children.
I’ve lost friends because, in their eyes I couldn’t “get over it.” I’ve had friends tell me to “let it go” when he was in control and actively doing harm to my child. People don’t get it. There is no understanding if you’ve never lived it.
It is a hard fought battle and I’m glad you are not having to do it alone.
Can’t wait to see the new design and your “brand” is perfect because you will forever be divorced from that man.
This made me chuckle: “He only associates with people who have not yet discovered his mental deficiencies.” Classic, Cathy. Thanks for commenting, and relating.
This made me chuckle: “He only associates with people who have not yet discovered his mental deficiencies.” Classic, Cathy. Thanks for commenting, and relating.
“Once I faxed the psychologist the stipulation and chewed his negligent ass out for lack of due diligence — meaning he never read the custody order to substantiate Prince’s claims — he was more than happy to interview me.”
Been there, done that! Pissed my ex off once the docs involved realized I wasn’t the crazy one. Once I became involved with the process my ex refused to continue to take part in the ongoing counseling for my son. He only associates with people who have not yet discovered his mental deficiencies.
You will go to court if he pursues it and you will win. He will then have a new court order to defy. Or that is how it always went in my situation. But, you have to go to court. They leave us no option but to defend ourselves in order to protect our relationship with our children.
I’ve lost friends because, in their eyes I couldn’t “get over it.” I’ve had friends tell me to “let it go” when he was in control and actively doing harm to my child. People don’t get it. There is no understanding if you’ve never lived it.
It is a hard fought battle and I’m glad you are not having to do it alone.
Can’t wait to see the new design and your “brand” is perfect because you will forever be divorced from that man.
I hope you know I’m behind you all the way — and your inherent chutzpah-ness is revealed every day through your words. No logo/image could ever marginalize that…
But as someone who’s constantly waiting for the next manila envelope, constantly cringing at the fear of the next set of bat-shit crazy to come down the pike, I can absolutely understand the symbol. Prince is not only the dastardly villain, but the train itself is the looming craziness in the distance, always lurking, always threatening to crush you like a bug. But you’ve got enough pluck to get you out of these situations, Pauline — just like your namesake!
Hey, Pauline,
You know I’m with you all the way on this. I’ve lately been musing on the problems with growing up in this “Have a Pepsi Day” culture, where it seems like everything just HAS to turn out great. The truth, as we all know, is that things turn out very mixed. And if we turn a blind eye to what things really are–including our children’s personalities–then we aren’t seeing, or respecting, them. The good news–and it actually is true–is that kids are pretty smart. They figure things out, even when the courts/psychologists/guardians/etc, etc, etc can’t. My kids, including the one who was pretty much in thrall to his dad, are slowly slowly slowly crawling out of that poisonous relationship and seeing things the way they really are. Very mixed. But, also, there is discernible good, there are right and wrong ways to connect to people, there is a moral code that recognizes human flaws and still has a center. Pauline, though imperiled, DOES get away every time.
I absolutely know you’re behind me and I appreciated your original comment because it made me think through my blogging identity. And thank you, as always, for your support, Mikalee.
Thanks, Ginger — and I’m so glad to hear your boys are coming around. I think most of these alienated kids do eventually, but it’s so sad what they have to go through before they gain some clarity.
When Ex does stuff like that, I ignore it. If it’s clear in the court order I ignore it because that’s all there is to it. If it makes you feel better, make a photocopy of all the stuff and then send them through a shredder or burn them. And then force yourself to “forget it”. Atticus is right, he might not make good on his threat. So there you go. Why stress what may or may not happen? You have too much to worry about regardless.
Pauline, your ex-husband must have either loved you beyond belief to hate you so much or he is simply a very sick, spiteful individual. Should you ever need someone to give him a swift kick in the jaw, I would happily volunteer to do so. I just wonder how this man can live with himself; he seems so toxic. Kudos to you for taking the high road and living your life with grace and dignity.
Thanks for your kind words, Jana. I don’t think it was love exactly, but I also don’t think he wanted the marriage to end. And, now, with all the legal entanglements, it almost feels like it hasn’t!
Thanks for your kind words, Jana. I don’t think it was love exactly, but I also don’t think he wanted the marriage to end. And, now, with all the legal entanglements, it almost feels like it hasn’t!
Pauline
I read your blog because of a face book post by a friend of mine. Hang in there and keep up your good work. Know that many people who never met you feel sympathy and great affection and wish you all the best. Some are doubtless praying for you, some are sending healing energy and may your ex be consumed by his own demons.
Thank you so much, Manny! I am very grateful for your prayers — interesting to get your commet now, because my next post is on praying.
She doesn’t look like a damsel in distress to me! She looks like she is being faced with a difficult situation and trying to think her way out of it (hard sometimes when you are dealing with the Prince). I really love the logo! Glad you’ve decided to keep it.
Thanks!
I laughed, cried, empathized, and related all at the same time. Hang in there sis. I’d say, “It gets better,” but it doesn’t. You only learn to care less, if you’re lucky. Hugs…