Most days I feel at relative peace about the bum rap I got dynamic between my ex and me. I have reframed negatives into positives.
For instance: having Luca just every other weekend works for everyone. Luca is a high-octane teenage boy who likes the bells-and-whistles stuff. His father is a high-octane man who likes the bells-and-whistles stuff. There’s symmetry there. And, at the risk of sounding retro and sexist, I do think that teenage boys need to be with their dads.
Another upside to Luca spending most of his time with Prince: he fights with his dad a lot, and not much with me. I like that. I like the fact that they fight a lot (not healthy, but true) and I like the fact that Luca and I don’t spend enough time together to have that many fights.
The fury I felt after being strong-armed into giving Prince all major decisions for Luca has subsided. I am palpably happier, and lighter-in-my-steppier, now that I’m no longer attempting to co-parent with Attila the Hun.
Now, I rarely sweat the small stuff. A few weeks ago, I arranged a haircut for Luca. Prince sent me explicit instructions, complete with photos of approved coifs, for the hair stylist to follow. Not so long ago that kind of control-freak move would have sent my blood pressure soaring. But this time, I stayed calm and carried on.
Finally, there’s this: I don’t get child support, even for Franny. This used to infuriate me. But when I put the scary part (financial insecurity) on the shelf, I feel relief. Because I don’t have to beg Prince for the check every month. Now that he doesn’t pay me child support, he has way, way less leverage with which to torture me. I like that.
And yet.
Even with my higher-planed, evolved mindset, I still find myself occasionally wanting to drop Prince in a vat of hot lava.
Today was one of those occasionsallys.
Prince made all of the kids’ summer plans. In return, I asked for one thing. I asked to send Franny to visit my sister’s family (aka The Unimportant Relatives) for five days in June. I asked, very politely, in an Our Family Wizard e-mail.
The reply that I got? NO. NO, because he might want to take her somewhere those five days and he’s not ready to commit. NO, because I should schedule Franny’s trip to see my family during the other weeks that she’s in town. NO, because he is a VIP around whom other people have to cartwheel and I’m not.
He didn’t actually say that last part, but that’s what he meant.
I immediately wrote back something snarky, but deleted it. Then I wrote back, trying to appeal to reason and reciprocity, until I remembered who I was dealing with, so I deleted that.
I sat in my chair at work, heart pounding, homicidal thoughts racing around in my head like bumper cars, unable to focus except when I had to hospitalize a girl who threatened to drink hair spray.
Finally, I sent my friend Miranda a Facebook message explaining Prince’s latest maneuver. Miranda also has a VIP ex and she has been known to talk me down off a ledge. She is kind of like having a Divorce Anonymous sponsor. So when she advised me to “back off from OFW,” for a day, I complied.
I went home, put Franny to bed, and drank a glass of wine. And I realized that Prince wasn’t making me feel crazy; my struggle to accept reality was.
I was expecting parity where none exists. I had forgotten that my ex is someone who will never be capable of reciprocity. I had forgotten that he will never think to himself: I got everything I wanted post-divorce so I’ll throw Pauline a bone with this trip thing.
And when I remembered what I’d forgotten, peace started to seep slowly back into my psyche. The trip issue would resolve eventually, I told myself, and wasn’t worth having an aneurysm. I felt so much saner shifting my focus from what I couldn’t control — Prince — to what I could control — my thoughts.
But is it so terrible if I still, occasionally, think about dropping him in a vat of hot lava?
No. It isn’t wrong. He needs dropping in the lava. Or as Southerners would choose, boilin poppin oil. I don’t know how you do it. I say that and realize that I accept a lot of crap from mine too, but lazy not complete pathology. Bless your heart, Pauline.
No. An occasional dropping in hot lava is what happens to most sane, normal people, just to remind them that they exist in the universe with everyone else. Prince needs double dipping, and it appears there’s no one around to do it. Not that that’s your job at all. I will say that stepping back and letting it resolve more naturally is always better than engaging in a conflict; while my ex isn’t nearly as nasty, he still relishes the chance to go at me. Why give him the opportunity? In the end, Franny will still go on her trip anyway.
Heck no it’s not wrong, it’s natural.
I’ll heat it up for you.
I admire your equanimity but would enjoy organizing a posse of sorts to deal with Prince so that you can stay as Zen as you like.
I love your statement about having a Divorce Anonymous sponsor. I have a few of them and it’s incredibly helpful for maintaining sanity and having someone to sound off on without feeling like a crazed lunatic. I can imagine how frustrating dealing with this must have been; sometimes it’s hard to delete the email instead of sending it. Props to you for being able to calm down though.
Perfectly normal. I have an online divorce anonymous sponsor, though I’m so sick of the word divorce I’d just call her my life coach and friend. For me, it’s not so much about the divorce, it’s about the disordered person I have to deal with within the divorce paradigm. My “sponsor” has been so helpful. I’m dealing with a similar issue now and I actually ran my proposed text response by her before sending. I needed to make sure it doesn’t anger him or provide too much information and at the same time not expose my feelings about his unilateral scheduling of teens’ time in a matter never done before. I can’t challenge it, legally, the backlash he receives will come from the kids –either now, or in the future, or never.
I, too, have accepted that there is lack of reciprocity, and that my not challenging this or other demands does not mean that he’ll allow me some flexibility in the future. If it suits him, yes. But otherwise, no. He has no understanding of common decency or an appreciation of other’s schedules, especially the children. In my world, I have to ask permission, he makes unilateral plans. Sucks. Though it is helpful to come to this understanding, and I know my bland responses to demands are necessary and purposeful, sometimes it does seem like I’m bending over for it (for lack of a better analogy). I know it’s strategy meant to protect us all, and I know that people who don’t deal with someone like my Ex wouldn’t understand and might accuse me of being a wimp by not pointing out the error of his ways. But if the recipient of my would-be confrontational or tutorial responses is incapable of understanding, why bother? So it is so helpful to have someone to whom I can describe the ridiculousness of the situation and poor treatment we receive and who understands why my response does not address it. Having been isolated for a while in the marriage/relationship, I need for someone to know what I’m dealing with now. Dysfunctional behavior is completely normal until someone sees it. It’s good to have someone see it. I wish I’d shared more as a young girl. “Wait, your boyfriend allows you to go to parties? You and your husband have friends over? Huh.”
My Ex is not the one to share my frustrations about my Ex with. That’s not to say that there are some issues which will necessitate a fight. I’m prepared to fight for certain things, but if he truly can’t comprehend common courtesy in scheduling, and has no empathy for the kids — it’s wasted breath. I’m not going to try to change him. It makes me feel better to have someone acknowledge that “Whoa that’s crazy.” Then I can act accordingly. You can’t negotiate with crazy.
Anyway, a vat? meh Waste of good lava. I like the visual of him being locked in a bubble and I just poof it away.
Poof!
And as the Southerners would say, “Well, bless his heart.”
Fabulous comment and commentary, Roxanne!