Children need both parents. Why should a child not live with his mother simply because the mother is less rich than the father? How can a middle-class woman possibly be expected to match child-related expenses that a wealthy man can easily afford?
Awhile back, in the middle of my god-awful custody battle, there was a moment when I thought I might have to pay my wealthy ex-husband child support.
I ended up giving him full custody of my son because I could no longer afford legal fees to continue the fight to hold onto custody. I still have primary custody of my daughter, which is the only reason I don’t have to pay my ex support. We continue to split half the kids’ unreimbursed medical expenses, and certain other kid-related items.
The prospect of someone — me — who works full-time for a middle-class salary and has no family money, having to pay child support to someone who has so much family money that he doesn’t work wanders across the border of Ludicrousland and into Heinousville.
But not everyone feels the way I do. One commenter to my post wrote the following:
“My personal opinion is that, if a parent cannot afford the expenses of having the child with them most of the time, then the child should be with the parent who *can* afford it.”
Another commenter wrote this:
“CS has nothing to do with rich, poor, male, or female. Your ex deserves child support.”
My problem with both of these comments is twofold. One, there is the presumption that the richer person is the better parent. Two, there is the complete disregard of the reality of the workforce and inherited wealth. Here are some doses of reality:
– Men still out-earn women. Women make 77 cents to a man’s dollar.
– Women often stop working outside the home to raise children full-time, sometimes because the cost of childcare is so high that it makes more sense for them to stay home.
– After a woman has been out of the workforce for awhile, it is very difficult to just jump back in and earn enough money to adequately provide for children without child support.
– Being independently wealthy does not make someone a better parent. It just makes that parent able to afford more stuff.
Don’t Go to Family Court to Find Justice
My attorney once told me that you don’t go to family court to get justice; you go to get answers. And the comments above certainly back that up.
Children need both parents. Why should a child not live with his mother simply because the mother is less rich than the father? How can a middle-class woman possibly be expected to match child-related expenses that a wealthy man can easily afford? And why SHOULD a middle-class, full-time working mother be expected to match the child-related expenses that a wealthy, non-working father can easily afford?
What is the Purpose of Child Support?
Child support was intended to help the less wealthy parent — usually the mother — provide adequate housing and necessities for the children. It is simply flat-out wrong to threaten a mother’s ability to care for her children by denying her child support. And denying a woman custody, as the commenter suggested above, because she is the poorer parent feels like a move from the Romney-Ryan playbook.
Those who suffer most from this Dickensian treatment of mothers are the children. Children deserve to live with both parents. Children deserve to reside in two homes with a relatively equitable standard of living. Children do not benefit from seeing one parent financially destroy their other parent.
Using Money As Abuse of Power After Divorce
I have a social worker’s salary. I receive zero child support. I do not have rich family members who are able to pitch in for braces, private school, the $2000-a-week summer camp Prince sends the kids to, or Luca’s $100,000-a-year residential treatment facility.
It has been a financial stretch to attend parent workshops at Luca’s school — roughly $2000 a pop — and fly him home for visits — about $400 a pop. And these extra costs have impacted the amount of money I’ve had to spend on Franny.
When I took Luca to the airport after his last home visit from boarding school, I gave him $15 to go to Starbucks before his flight took off. He was going to be picked up by a boarding school staff on the other end, so there was nothing else he would need to pay for.
A couple hours later, Luca called to say that he had missed his connecting flight and there wasn’t another flight until 8 p.m. Fortunately, Prince’s parents have a home in the city Luca was stranded in and they were able to stay with him until the next flight.
A few days later I got an Our Family Wizard e-mail from Prince. There was the predictable sturm and drang about how Luca — 15, a seasoned traveler, equipped with a cell phone — had been traumatized by missing his flight, which was somehow my fault, and that everyone in his family, and everyone who knew his family, and everyone in the city of the missed flight, was outraged that I had only given Luca fifteen dollars.
The e-mail ended with the admonition that my “lack of adequate funds” for Luca indicated that I did not “deserve” visitation. And because Prince has primary physical custody, he could indeed withhold visitation.
Now, it could be that Prince is just getting his jollies via his usual harassment. Or it could be that he is actually building a case to keep me from seeing Luca, and perhaps to get custody of Franny.
The irony in all of this is that my “lack of adequate funds” is due to lack of child support.
The irony in all of this is that the example I have set for my children post-divorce — getting an advanced degree, finding full-time work with benefits, balancing work and child-rearing without the benefit of extended family support — is less valued than the example set by a parent who doesn’t work and supports children via inherited wealth.
A Good Mother Without Money Can Lose Custody
When I did my clinical training to become a licensed therapist, I worked at a sliding-scale clinic. Often clients would no-show or be late to sessions. On the surface, these clients appeared spacey, lazy, and uncommitted to therapy. They appeared to be people who made bad decisions.
But in reality, as our supervisors pointed out, they were poor. Unlike us interns, with our nice cars and our fancy graduate degrees, these clients had been born into poverty. They didn’t own cars. If they had jobs, they worked for minimum wage. Missing therapy appointments was not about incompetence, it was about scrambling for childcare and being at the mercy of public transportation and perhaps not even having the money for bus fare.
The downside of privilege is that it distorts reality. It skews our perceptions of people unlike us and convinces us that we are superior. It strips us of compassion, civic duty, and accountability. It has led to deregulation of banks, tax cuts for the wealthy, and cuts to social services. It is the very thing that has turned this country from a democracy into an oligarchy.
The “You-People-ization” of America is rampant in family court. We assume that non-custodial mothers are mentally ill drug addicts who cavort with pedophiles. Sometimes this is the case. But more often the non-custodial mother loses custody due to financial abuse: the inability to pay astronomical legal fees; the freezing of assets; the reduction or elimination of child support.
A quote from The Custody Project, an organization that provides grants to low-income women at risk of losing custody of their children:
“A financial domino occurs when a mother, defending the custody or visitation of her children, can no longer provide the common necessities of life for her family because her finances have been economically stretched and simultaneously diminished to an unsustainable degree. And in this situation, under bad law, a good mother without money can lose custody.”
Where to Go for Help
No mother should lose custody because of lack of funds. If you are in this position or are going through a financially difficult divorce, please check out the following resources:
The Custody Project – provides donations to low-income mothers who are in jeopardy of losing custody
Bedrock Divorce Advisors – provides financial strategies for women going through financially complicated divorces
Gingerbread – A UK philanthropic organization that offers advice and support to single parents. Author and former struggling single mom JK Rowling is the president.
But Back to My Original Question
More and more I hear about women who are fighting for custody or who have to fight for child support. The landscape of post-divorce life is changing and it is no longer a given that moms will get primary custody and adequate child support. A commenter on a recent Huffington Post article by Kristy Campbell said this:
“Moms who stay at home and count on receiving child support and custody in the event of a divorce in this day and age are taking a risk and it’s foolish to pretend otherwise.”
While I think using the word “foolish” is a bit harsh, I do agree that no divorcing woman should presume that child support will last. Child support is easily modifiable, either via an ex-husband’s loss of employment or ability to hide funds, or evolution in family law.
I still think the poorer parent should get child support. A parent’s financial stress trickles down to the children, who feel the lack of funds both materially and psychologically.
I just don’t think that a mother who’s been out of the workforce for years should be expected to go out and find a job that will cover all the costs of raising children.
But I want to know your thoughts: should the richer parent get custody?
Absolutely not. If ones level of wealth were equivalent to their abilities as a parent you’d have far less blog fodder I think. The thought of a judge giving custody to a parent based solely on how much money is in their bank account makes me feel physically ill.
I lost custody to my multi-millionaire ex-husband. I was court-ordered to pay him child support and we shared joint custody. Ten years ago I placed my son on an airplane in Florida to visit his father in Connecticut. That was the last time I ever got to hug and kiss my son. Casey is still in Westport, Connecticut with his father Robert to this day and the Connecticut court did NOT hold my ex in contempt and ruled that I must jump through some hoops, pay 75% of reunification process and only after I pay the court ordered GAL. The GAL bill is around $20,000.00. I have a job working with the disabled earning about $12/hr. That ruling was 5 years ago and I still have not been able to have contact with my son. Casey father refuses to allow Casey have any contact with his siblings, grandparents or any of his maternal family. Casey’s maternal grandparents couldn’t live with the grief and finally took their own lives 2 thanksgivings ago. We desperately wait for Casey to contact us because his dad has him believing that we wish to kidnap him. I hope that Casey discovers the truth about Mr. Corso, an extremely cruel human being!
please tell me this is a lie, to scare people away. take this to national tv.
Money has nothing to do with being a loving, emotionally supportive parent. It just buys stuff, most of which is unnecessary flotsam compared to the real work of being a parent. The courts, and the country, are way too obsessed with wealth.
I agree, it is typically the mother who is less able to pay for neccesities after divorce, and agree that child support is about the children and about their needs. However, the court system has managed to make this into an issue about “giving your ex-spouse money”. Ultimately, I do think there needs to be a fair system and we still tend to penalize the person less able to pay (often teh mother), but the system has to take actual “need” into account. For instance, my partner pays child support to someone who makes much less, but who has no real expenses because she is currently married to someone who makes much more than him. No, the new husband is not required to support my partners children in any fashion, but because his ex has no need to pay any of the basic needs such as mortgage, groceries, utilities, or a car, the child support typically goes for new “wants” such as the latest IPhone for the 13YO. We do pay, without complaint, and without mentioning it to the children. This is a less typical situation and would take judges and lawyers to resolve (which isn’t worth it in the long run). So IMO to make the system better we must consider ways to turn it from a situation where “I have to pay my Ex”, turns into “I need to support my kids”. While a PIA to provide documentation for what is being spent, it might make the situation easier on the parent that recieves support in the long run.
Thank you for this. I was married for 15 years and gave up my career to work (hello) raising our children full – time. when we divorced with split custody 50/50 and my ex fought tooth and nail to not have to pay child support. finding a job with a “livable wage” was not to be for me – given the economic crash and, more importantly, my gap in work history. my ex paid his cs intermittently and now has completely stopped. he makes over $250k per year, but claims poverty. he works for himself so he can manipulate tax returns, etc. he has threatened me too “you can barely take care of yourself let alone our children”. i too live in fear that he will try to gain full custody. it’s a real catch-22 – no money for a lawyer makes it hard to take care of yourself legally. thanks for the links.
Great post, Pauline. I’ve been in a similar situation and the fact is that men are usually in a better financial position and will use this to their advantage against the woman they once loved. I’m not saying all men will, but it’s been my experience that many will because they want to hurt their wives for various reasons, even if the husband is the one who filed for divorce in the first place. In my situation, I lost everything but my kids. I was fortunate to have a good attorney who showed that the kids were better off with me. However, I’ve heard of men spending thousands in legal and court fees to try to prove to the court what a poor wife and mother their ex is, not because they really want to be the custodial parent, but because they want to hurt their ex-wife as much as they can. What the men don’t realize is that in doing this to their ex-wives this hurts their children. I’m sure there are cases where it’s the ex-wives who do this to their former husbands, but the reality is that men still hold the financial power in relationships, especially where the wives stayed home with the kids. Again, great article, and I totally agree with your statement, “No mother should lose custody because of lack of funds.” I also feel that if the father is the best custodial parent, he shouldn’t lose custody because of lack of funds either. I also feel that whoever has the better financial situation has no excuse for expecting the other ex to pay child support or other expenses, especially in cases like yours where the ex is so well off he doesn’t even have to work. I mean, really. Geeze.
Should the richer parent get custody? Absolutely not. But I do wish the courts and the legal system would do a bit more to ensure that the BETTER parent gets more custody.
My wild proposal is that every custody agreement be reviewable after the first two years. That gives everyone a chance to settle into a new life, to provide for themselves and their children to the best of their ability, and to adjust to communicating with their now-ex. An impending review would encourage people to be on good behavior and stop dwelling on the pain and anger, or engaging in manipulative BS. As it stands (at least in my state), the new presumption is that all parents start out with 50-50 custody and it takes a “substantial change in circumstances” to alter it.
This sounds great on paper, but quickly falls apart if one parent isn’t pulling 50% of the weight.
Your question about whether the “poorer” parent should be the one to get child support is sticky. I think you should have you child support modified again… you should be paying what your percentage is.. so if you have 10% of your exes money then you should be on a 90/10 split for expenses. Also, there is NOTHING that says you are lacking for not giving Luca more money… he was safe, he was old enough and he had a way to contact you. Anything more is gravy… so what if they are “shocked” take him to court and represent yourself…. even if he has primary custody, you SHOULD still have a visitation agreement that he must abide by. I feel for ya girlie…. he is a real piece of work.
I agree that the standard 50-50 expenses split needs to be modified according to both parties’ resources. It is just nuts to expect two people of vastly different financial situations to pay the same.
The richer parent should not get automatic ‘full custody’. No amount of money can take away a poorer parent’s rights! On the issue of paying child support, it’s strictly based on income. If your income is 5x less than Dad’s then you will pay substantially less support to him than he does to you. Often in consent or court orders the child support owing from the poorer parent is simply deducted from the richer parent’s support payment. It makes it so that you don’t have to pay a monthly amount but that you get slightly less support paid to you. The idea behind it is that each parent contributes to the child’s expenses as equally as possible based on each parent’s income level. It’s unfortunate in your case where the income levels are so drastically different. Shouldn’t he be paying you child support for your daughter though? And when it comes to special expenses like boarding schools, and special needs programs those costs are also divided between parents in a proportionate manner so again, if he makes 5x more $ than you, he pays 5x more for those extra costs. At least, that’s how it works in Canada. You are teaching them important lessons and giving them things money can’t buy. Prince is being a jerk for using the ‘stranded at the airport’ thing to withhold full visitation. That could have happened to anyone!
The “richer” parent is not necessarily any better or worse a parent, only one who is more able to drag out a legal battle over custody, support, or anything else he (or she) pleases. Add in the fact that women typically make less money than men (as you point out), and even the “career” mother is at a disadvantage should skirmishes (or full on warfare) break out during or after divorce.
As to Kristy’s remarks – I would like to point out that some of us were juggling the lion’s share of parenting as well as holding down a job, and using my case as an example, I was penalized for that when it came to child support. Add the complications of multiple states, a clever adversary, and my inability to come up with $5,000just as a retainerto fight for the monies owed at various points, and that’s all she wrote.
The real problems – in my opinion – have to do with varying state laws, the practical difficulties of collecting unpaid monies,and the lawyers who seem to be making out like banditson the backs of men and women who are just trying to raise their kids and get on with their lives.
BLW, I remain humbled by everything you went through. And yes, the real problems are the whims and loopholes of family law.
Pauline: I’ve been checking in to your blog for a few months now and wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your writing and your readers’ comments, too – makes me feel a little less alone in the this bizarro world of divorce and custody battles and family court. No, income levels shouldn’t determine custody in either direction – but I understand the worry that it might and I also understand how a threat/criticism from an ex like yours could set a whole cascade of stress and worry in motion. But $15 is completely reasonable, you didn’t send him off to the tundra, for goodness sake, with no blankets or supplies and he had a phone. You could’ve phoned in a pizza delivery to your son or booked a hotel room remotely if you had to. But you didn’t. He was fine. I”m sorry you are not getting any child support. I did appreciate your last post about gathering change for those machines – I’ve been there, too. Like i said, it helps there are so many of us out here, doesn’t it? leading the same crazy lives with these terrible exes who do their best to do damage while we work hard to move on, love our kids and live our lives.
Can you see my mouth hanging open reading this post and some of the comments. I have nothing to say, am ignorant of all of this and shocked and depressed at what you have to go through and endure. Thank you for educating me — I know it’s just a bit, but my ears are open, grateful to learn.
I have been reading your blog for quite a while and I adore your writing style and following the unfolding of your real life story. I have never commented but I usually come away from each posting with a new idea or perspective on something that I can try to apply to my own life. If anything, I appreciate the small things a bit more. However, I felt the need to say something in regards to child support and this posting. I am my husband’s second wife and with him came the gift of my 5 year old daughter from his previous marriage. He has, after an awful and traumatizing custody battle, joint physical and legal custody with our daughter living with us 51% of the time. He also pays monthly the child support that is nearly half of my take home pay each month despite it being impossible that her needs at 5 years of age are equivalent to this amount. I realize that we are both blessed to make more (while working hard for it) than the average people our age and are able to provide a nice life for ourselves and our daughter. However, why should his ex-wife receive any type of child support? Your posting does not convince me. She has a college degree and the ability to work but chooses not to. She take bi-monthly vacations, trades in her car for something new every year, is now remarried, and still holds out her hand for money. The money we pay her every month could amount to multiple vacations, more than a full year of private school tuition, etc for our family. We buy and pay for our daughter’s clothes, shoes, toys, school supplies, lessons, etc. 51% of the time she lives with us but we’re paying her mother so she can support her the other 49% of the time? It’s as if we’re paying her to babysit. Our lawyers say (at least in our state) that we have to give her mother the ability to provide the same kind of life we are able to provide. Yet we work hard for the ability to do so and she does not. How is that fair? In my opinion, she doesn’t deserve a dime and unfortunately I find myself agreeing that if she cannot afford to do the basics for our daughter, she should not have custody. I am tired of watching our hard earned money spent on trips to Mexico, the newest item from the American Girl store, or worse, her newest child. She didn’t earn the money we give her just because she gave birth to a child. Furthermore, why is it that fathers tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to custody disputes? Why is it that in our country it is automatically assumed that a mother should get custody? While I don’t think that the richer parent should get custody, I also don’t think our child support system is fair.
Income is about the most unreliable gauge of custody anyways. Yes one parent could be rolling in the dough during the marriage but five years later is out of options and making nothing. Or vice versa! Many women become empowered and propel themselves to a position where they become bigger wage earners than their exes. It’s just too unstable. I mean think of all the ways income could be affected in just one year. What are the courts going to do– juggle it every time there’s a fluctuation? That’d be insane.
I can certainly understand why you’re resentful, MaryAnne. That doesn’t seem fair at all. However, my piece was really addressing the realities of the hardest-pressed, well-intentioned single moms (very different from your ex’s ex) whose exes find ways to get around the system. As for custody disputes, I think they vary greatly state to state and judge to judge. I had one friend who went to court (her ex was disinterested in the kids and wanted more custody to lower child suport) and the judge didn’t even listen to her pleadings, just said he thought dads should get 50-50 custody. Family courts are completely unpredictable and rarely fair.
Hey, Pauline,
As always this is so well-said. The child-support laws make as much sense as the custody laws do–which is very little. It’s also crucial, I found out too late, to leave any financial agreement alone with a person who has an overblown sense of entitlement. Lundy Bancroft who writes about disputes with angry & controlling men, says that even asking for medical expenses that are owed can trigger a custody dispute. And the court will insist on pretending like money isn’t an issue.
Ugh, medical expenses! Don’t even get me started on that one…
I agree that you should not be expected to pay as much, it should be based on income.
However, when a parent makes less it should not be expected that they do not have to contribute. Why should one parent provide nothing financially for their child because they make less? Both parents had the child, and both should be providing financial support, but yes defitnely based on their individual incomes. Now in the extreme circumstances where the ex is a millionaire who won’t need the other’s money to actually raise the kid, there should still be money given by the other parent, but perhaps it can be put in an education fund…I don’t know, I just don’t think someone shouldn’t have to provide anything for their child just because they have less money.
Providing food, a home, and clothing isn’t nothing — it’s actually quite a lot, especially in the cith where I live. You can’t rent a three-bedroom apartment (what I would need if it were just me and my two kids) in a decent neighborhood for under $2500. I think the problem with family court is it doesn’t take into consideration what’s FEASIBLE.
Hi Pauline – enjoy your blog and your writing style! Obviously the richer parent shouldn’t get custody because of their wealth – custody should reside where the children will be better off. However, I do believe the non-custodial parent should pay some kind of child-support, regardless of if they are wealthier or not (not in instances of 50/50 split, but when the children spend the majority of their time with the other parent). The child support should be based on the income of the non-custodial parent – not this splitting of expenses stuff that it sounds like you and your ex do.
My husband’s ex-wife is the custodial parent of his children (we have them every other weekend, longer in the summer, every other holiday, etc) and we pay her a percentage of my husband’s salary. She has attempted to alter the agreement a couple of times to have us split certain expenses, but we have resisted. The issue is, she makes the decisions about what the expenses are – she signs them up for expensive dance classes, buys them fancy gadgets, etc, and we have no choice in the matter. It makes no sense for us to pay half of whatever expense she decides is necessary.
It sounds like that is what is happening to you and your ex is that he determines what is reasonable (boarding school, expensive therapists, etc) and then send you a bill for it. This seems ridiculous – because you wouldn’t accrue those expenses if he were with you because you wouldn’t have signed him up for expensive boarding school, etc.
Your ex sounds like a piece of work – I hope he realizes that denying you visitation or going after custody of your daughter would clearly not be in the best interest of your children.
I agree with you, Laura — this splitting of expenses stuff is NUTS when there is a huge difference in access to resources and one parent gets to choose the school, extracurriculars, etc. I don’t know why it’s not done that way instead of the anything but fair “fair and equal split.”
I stumbled across your blog.. and I have to say you hit the nail on the head.
Thank you for posting TCP– I contacted them, hopefully they can assist me.
I had it happen to me, custody was given to my daughters paternal grandparents, because they are wealthier than I. They could afford the best of the best in legal representation (and did) and I had to fend for myself.
I will NEVER forget the judge turning to the grandmother who was testifying and saying ‘Oh, you have a plane? What do you have? I have a four seater Cessna!’
I knew I lost at that moment— and six months later the order was official.
My daughter was kidnapped, held against the law for two plus years, and now lives in the same house as her registered sex offender (for crimes against a minor–me) father, simply because his parents have the money to spear me to a wall for prosecuting their son.
Its a sad world we live in, where money can dictate ‘the better parent’ and the ‘law’ turns a blind eye.
What ever happened to the BEST interests of the child?
I’d rather be poor with parents who loved me and provided the basics if nothing more, than be with a parent who abused/neglected me and ignored me for the sake of financial gain.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. Family court can be a travesty. I hope TCP can help.
I was searching on the web and came to your site. I am a Father of a young girl ;5yo. She means the world to me. Her Mom filed for divorce and it has been finalized.
Mom sought sole custody stating that she was the primary caretaker. When we went to court, I was able to show that I was the one that was taking our daughter to daycare and picking her up almost daily. Doctors visits, dentist, getting her presciptions filled were done by me. Reading to her everynight. Getting dinner together along with baths. Playing with her during the weekends, taking her to activities and attending all of her school/daycare functions.
My daughter even convinced me to paint my toe nails with her. Wouldn’t commit to finger nails though. Face painting, dressing up and dancing. Many Moms and a few Dads called me Mr. Mom. We would bake cupcakes, make pizza. We also built things together and she learned how to use some simple tools. I wanted our daughter to learn that through patenience, practice and believing in yourself, you can do anything you put your mind to.
Now I am not saying Mom was no-where to be seen. She did work alot of hours, traveled, worked most weekends from home. She was the bread winner. Hard to have to career parents with high demanding jobs while taking care of a child regardless of which gender it is, someone becomes the child(rens) main support.
I fought for Joint Legal and Joint Physical and finally Mom agreed. Even during the seperatiopn, I was still the parent doing the bulk of the daily work in regards to our daughter.
Well within a few weeks of the final agreement, Mom leaves state with our daughter. I am now starting the process of fighting for the Home State to modify the custody arrangement with the hope that our daughter will be returned to where she has called home and to be with her friends, daycare.
Don’t give up. It is and will be the hardest thing you probably will ever experience. It will be the same for the child as well. ‘In the Best Interest of the Child’ is really misunderstood by parents and children when you have an endless amount of love for them.
Money is real and I as a guy am now experiencing this as a parent with the lesser resources. But, I have made a promise to an awesome little girl that I do hear her and that I love her. She keeps telling me that she wants to be with me and has said this infront of her Mother. She cries and the few times I have been with her she crabs onto me and hugs me so hard not wanting to let go.
To any father/man out their that may read this, don’t ever let anyone tell you that real men don’t cry. That is a load of bunk!!
I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your ex leave the state with your child. I hope your judge is reasonable and you will be reunited with your daughter. Wishing you all the best.
I didn’t see the question ‘should the richer parent get custody’ answered very thoroughly. I felt more like I was reading ‘I’m a woman, so I should get the kid’.
Also, you should see the other said; recognize how often men who are good parents don’t get their children!
Wow, this reminds me of my divorce a few years back. I’m still fighting over the child support issue, because my ex wants to see me in jail, whether he really needs the money or not.
With all of the comments stating that the non-custodial parent should be contributing at least something to the children, they usually are contributing a parent and the necessary items in their own home, unless they are blocked from doing so by the custodial parent. My ex had it put into our divorce decree that I could not have the children for overnight visits unless I had a three bedroom house. This means that I have to make enough money to pay for a three bedroom home, and pay child support, and pay half of the children’s medical expenses on top of it, which he inflates by adding unnecessary doctor visits and so on. He has also tried to pass off things like a school trip to Boston as medical expenses, that I said no to, because I could not afford it. Oh, and all of this, I have to pay for when I took 13 years out of the workforce to care for our children.
He only got custody when I felt I had no choice but to give up after being bullied, coerced, and run into the ground financially during our battle. It also didn’t help that at the time, I was on my own and working two jobs, while he had his new girlfriend move in with him so that he could have free childcare. It’s been seven years since my divorce, and I’m still bitter about what he did to me to keep me away from my children. Now, I don’t even have a relationship with them anymore, because he drove a wedge between us so deep that I don’t know if it will ever be able to recover. My 19 year old son doesn’t speak to me at all. My 21 year old daughter only speaks to me when she has something heartless to say, and seems to prefer to say it in a public forum, just to hurt me even more. My 17 year old son is almost 18, and I don’t know what he will do, as it seems I may be able to rekindle that relationship, and my 13 year old son wants to see me, but his father is unwilling to allow that to happen.
I’m at the point where I’d like to change the child support and custody system from the ground up, starting with not basing child support on being the custodial parent. It needs to be based on need, not just on getting custody of the children. I agree with you that it should go to the poorer parent, and I believe that custody should never be taken from a fit parent, ever, especially one who has been there for the children. I also think that especially for parents who may not be able to afford traditional child support, child care should be counted toward their obligation. I also think that parents who seek sole custody, should be prepared to take sole responsibility. Why should angry exes be rewarded for cutting fit parents out of their children’s lives?
This is just my opinion, but I have very strong opinions regarding these issues. I don’t believe that the current system is in the best interest of the children at all. I think it hurts them more than it helps them, and the only people that truly are helped by the current system, are lawyers, judges and vindictive exes.
I asked my mother what she thought about custody disputes.
She said to me that if had my father divorced her, she would not have wanted full custody of me & my sister. She would have wanted my father to have had custody 5 days a week, and for herself to have the weekends. She would have been willing to pay child support. In our state, child support is roughly fixed based on the child support payer’s income.
Her rationales: 1.) My father had a higher earning capacity, so he would be better able to provide. 2.) She would not have the burden of enforcing child support payments against him. 3.) Without the primary responsibility for child rearing, she would be able to focus on finding employment & repairing her finances. In addition, her cost of living would be less because she would live in a smaller home without dependents. She’d also be more free to date and find a new husband. 4.) She would get to be the “fun parent,” because we’d see her on weekends, when fun happens. 5.) Custody and child support can be modified at any time, so this arrangement could be altered after she “got on her feet” financially and emotionally. 6.) If such an arrangement was unpleasant to my father, it would perhaps bring home to him the value of her home-making services, and she might be able to leverage more in alimony.
I don’t think this model would work for all divorces. There are problems with making it the law. First, primary caregivers are usually the poorer party in a divorce, and are more willing to trade child support & alimony in exchange for full custody (which is why my state has fixed child support amounts required by law — so that the child’s money can’t all be bartered away by the primary care giver in exchange for custody). Second, sometimes giving custody to the richer party is not in the child’s best interest. Third, what happens when two parents make almost the same money? How does a judge decide who’s richer and better able to sustain the burdens?
However, there are reports that a man’s net worth generally goes up and up after a divorce, but a woman’s goes down, and then stays down, generally due to the financial burdens of raising a kid and the taboo of hiring working mothers. Since custody can be modified, it might benefit some women to focus on their finances first, then on custody second.
*In re-reading some of the comments, it looks like custody & child support judgments are less easy to modify in many of the commenters’ jurisdictions. I write from the state of Maine, U.S.A. Maine statutes allow for modification of both at any time. See 19-A MRSA 1501 et seq. In practice, it is rather common, especially when there is a change in a party’s finances or marital status. The biggest draw-back would be the cost of petitioning the court for a re-hearing.
Wow is all I can say. My husband worked two jobs and goes to school full time. I also work full time in order for us to provide everything for all seven children. Mine from my first marriage his four from his first marriage and our two little’s ones. I’ve helped pay for braces, doctor’s clothes, I’ve paid for and been the day care for all the children.
In that she refused to pay the child support during that whole time that she agreed to in court. We not only took care of the children but we managed to pay off all our debt and she remarried as well. In that time she abandoned her children for her new family. She called the kids from Disneyland while telling them she did not have any money to see them. She called the kids when she got such great things for her life yet never had money or time for birthday or Christmas presents. Hell she would not even show up for visitation.
Now the state is making her be accountable and pay her child support at $250 for four children. She refused to get a job. She refused to take responsibility and was surprised when the state said you will pay. Now seven years latter we are debt free we have new house and new car. We have worked our ass off to get here with out her help with anything and now she says we want her money to better our life? What? That is money that you should have paid to your children well being. She did not visit she did not pay support she was not there for anything and she should not have to pay anything because she refuses to work?
I have now raised the youngest child more than half his life. I have seen the two older children settled into their own life. I have the middle boy almost ready to fly and I could not been any more proud of them all. I have made sure they all had everything they needed when she could not even be bothered with them. Yet she wants to say that its about money. She says her ex only wanted the children so he did not have to pay child support. He only got the children so he could control her. Yet he did everything for years with no money. He could not control her enough to make her see the children when she should.
So no I do not think that the child/ren should go to the richest or the poorest parent. They should have two responsible parents. It should not matter how much money each parent makes or does not make. When that can’t happen they should go to the parent that puts them first at all costs. The children should not suffer because one parent is not willing to do what is needed to take care of them.
This hits me hard today as my ex served me papers yesterday to change 50/50 custody to every other weekend in an attempt to get more money and is using our daughter as a pawn. Background: because Florida is a no fault state. When I divorced my wife 3 years ago because she was cheating. Even with 50/50 custoday I still have to pay substantial child support and alimony for 4 years.her salary without my support was 20k and mine 100k. She has done nothing to better herself in 3 years with the rehabilitative alimony. She works on commission at a salon but refuses to do hair cuts in which she is trained which would double/triple her salary instantly. She does nails. She got fired last year from her job because just like when we were married. She refused to do the things asked of the owner like. Set goals for the year and dobmailing advertisements to get busier. Now she’s at a salon making around 12k because she has minimal clients. She makes less than minimum wage. Does she go out and get a different job making minimum wage or where she can do hair? No. She complains she couldn’t afford the $25 copay to take my daughter to the doctor a while back but sports $100 new custom plates on her car. And I saw in the court papers served yesterday she has $9k in savings in which she used 5k for the lawyer. But sings the poor house to my daughter and manipulates our daughter to where my daughter aged 10 asked a few weeks ago if she could live with her mom. Unwashed devistated. You know why shebsaid the reason was. Its too strict at my house. The only chores she has is to pick up her room. Help with dishes and do her homework. But at her moms its like Disneyland. They go out tondinner 5 nights a week theme parks most weekends, no disicipline etc…..but my daughter has eaten up her moms sad pity and lies. And now want to put our daughter thru this. All to seek more money instead of working.
Its nuts and I am sure the lawyers n courts willnsee it as well.the end result is she will probably lose 50/50 and my daughter will be further scarred and probably blame me anyway. I’ve been a model ex husband. Never late on a payment. Always put my daughter and parenting what’s in her best interest first. He mother has dated married men and shares her exploits with our daughter teaching the wrong lessons.her mother spends 24/7 with her when together as she has not remarried and uses that against me. As my daughter has a loving stepmom but infant always exclude my wife from the weeks when my daughter is here but that is what my ex has brainwashed my daughter to.
So yes I make more than my ex, but sometimes those less fortunate just are lazy and take advantage even expense or their kids.
Sorry some autocorrect typos. Infant should say I can’t. Unwashed. Should say I was. Thx
I may have missed someone commenting on this but I didnt see a BIG issue that is so so important. When the ex gets custody (hmmm because of political influence in your community) AND when the ex that gets custody keeps the children from the other parent for no other reason than… lets see, what does he say to me? oh yes, “The judge decided it was best for you to only see the kids 1 day a week for a few hours and every other weekend.” and then he goes onto saying when noone is listening but me (UGH) “the kids dont need you”
Does anyone here know what life is like dealing with a complete full blown Narcissist?
A narcissist with parents that live blocks away and take over everything….
The courts are pathetic and so are those that step into the middle with their political influence.
Im one of those moms that has raised 2 wonderful kids from first marriage, have an excellent relationship with my 1st ex AND his wife and kids only to get remarried to a younger man who I supported during his final 2 years of college and have 3 children with…I quit working my Admin Asst. job after our 2nd child was 8 months old since my husband was working FT and then we have a 3rd child, Im thinking we are never going to ever ever divorce (he loves me forever…ha), then my money runs out from the sale of MY house I purchased prior to meeting him and our marriage begins to change. He decides to start sleeping in the kids room when our youngest is only 2 yrs old because Im too fat and he isnt attracted to me anymore and he wants to live together in a “platonic relationship” now (all along verbally abusing me and hiding money and refusing to give me even $5 for gas to get our son to the doctor)…this went on for 2.5 years before I SAW THE LIGHT and realized I wasnt fat, nor ugly, or OLD or STUPID or UNEDUCATED (well, I guess since I dont have a college degree like he has, im uneducated), so I filed for divorce. 1 year later, I have a job with flexible hours so I can still take care of our kids and my oldest son. I move out. Judge gives me custody. (ps I moved out to get myself and the kids out of the middle of the constant belittling and emotional turmoil as the months went on during the divorce. Oh yes and I had to put a LOCK on my bedroom door because I was waking up to my soon to be ex standing OVER ME as I slept. Talk about freaking you out with worry that this man is losing his noodles and gonna kill you!….. So, about 1 year goes by and we have now gone through a TRIAL because he wants custody of course and a week after trial the judge rules against the GAL and gives my ex Sole Custody. He said he chose SOLE custody because neither of us could agree on anything. So life after divorce for myself AND my kids has not been good. Luckily I am just around the corner and my kids know Im close even if he wont let them see me. Let me paint the picture of trial….5 days his family shows up every day (5-8 ppl each day!). The day the judge is verbally telling us his decision? Do you think all those people are there in the courtroom? NOT even ONE PERSON from his family was there. (ps he doesnt have friends so couldnt say Family/Friends).
When I stood there balling my eyes out. The judge says he isnt going to give any reasons for his choice of custodial parent because he doesnt have to….
If anyone cares to read my transcripts, Im open book!
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0BwMXC1_tif9rU0hCWmwyTTVCR0E&usp=sharing
ps Its not ALWAYS about money, it can also be corruption in the courts, money behind the scenes or the good ol’ you pat my back and Illl pat yours…sickening!
If she can’t afford the children, she doesn’t need them. Simple as that. It was your fault(and I do not mean to be mean at all)you brought the children into a world that you were unable to care for them properly in the first place.
Couldn’t disagree more. Women typically make less money than men, and if they take time off to raise children at home, are at an economic disadvantage when trying to re-enter the work force. Women who have children in the context of a marraige, in which there are sufficient child-rearing funds, are at an advantage over single moms. Most women don’t have children thinking they’ll get divorced. On another note: the country is undergoing an economic crisis and few can count on job security. If a mother loses her job, does this mean she shouldn’t have brought children into the world?
As the wealthier non custodial parent, I have been forced to change my lifestyle and continue to pay for my ex wife’s life while being restricted in my own . This isnt because of a strain on my finances but rather due to my wife being difficult . My ex has accused me of spoiling my daughter at every turn while accepting over 5k in child support from me each month. I pay for my daughters education and medical on top of the monthly CS however everytime I plan a vacation or give a gift to my daughter I am made to feel guilty. Conversely, my ex and her new husband use my money to travel & live above their means on my dime. My exes husband works construction and my child support payment is higher than their entire income yet they are afforded the freedom to do as they wish while I am blocked from international travel with my girls…When I try to include our daughter in my life with my current wife and our young daughter she blocks my attempts. Birthdays are so stressful for me now because my ex feels that I shouldn’t be able to give my daughter any high end gifts yet they give her the same gift I inquire about. For example, I purchased a Mac book for her on her last birthday which I was told she couldn’t have because of security concerns yet when she came over to our house she had a brand new ipad that she had recieved from her mom. Also my family have for as long as I remember spent a portion of our summer at a company/family beach house in Costa Rica. My wife refuses to let my daughter go because she does not want my daughter flying that far yet they have made trips to Cancun and even driven accross the county with my daughter in the car for over 20 hrs. It seems unfair that I now have to plan trips to florida or California to appease my ex wife and be able to include my daughter. I also feel horrible when my youngest daughters birthday comes and she is given more gifts than my older daughter simply because it upsets her mother when I do anything that makes our daughter happy.
I find it disgusting that the law is abusing you and that even if the law allows it, your ex should morally decline to take advantage. All $5k should be put ito a trust fund and saved for your kids education. Your ex should not be stealing her childrens money, simply horrible!
Actually, I have a lot of issues with your article and some of the points you brought up. Each child IS entitled to the same standard of living at both homes.
If you cannot provide and financially support your children without money from your ex-spouse, perhaps you need alimony/maintenance and not child support. Child support is intended to subsidize the primary parent’s financial obligations – not fully fund them. Simply because your ex-spouse comes from a wealthy family does not entitle you to his money. It does entitle his children to the same standard of living they experience in both homes. No person should be entitled to free money simply because they are the poorer parent. So, stating you’re only problem with the comment, ““CS has nothing to do with rich, poor, male, or female. Your ex deserves child support,” Simply shows that you too are part of the problem.
Our lawyer has told us that even if we win the lottery because it’s not earned income, his ex-wife can’t touch it, but she uses the loophole that exists around the same standard of living. If you cannot afford for your son to go to boarding school, then do not send him. I don’t believe many Judges will force you to send your child out of the country and to boarding school and if your Ex is successful in getting this passed, then he should be able to pay the costs associated with the school and your son’s travel. Had your ex been responsible for your son’s travel – all the way around he would not have only been traveling with $15 in his pocket. The irony isn’t that a lack of child support’ as you state is the reason your traveling son only had $15 – my mother was a single mother of 2 that never once received a dime of child support and anytime my sister or I traveled in this country, we always had emergency money or an emergency credit card, so perhaps instead of pointing the finger you should search for solutions?
I don’t believe that women have gotten the short end of the stick in regards to child support. You state that women have given up their careers to stay home and raise the children and this in turn makes it hard to return the working world – again – this is the EXACT purpose of why alimony/maintenance exists in our great nation. Furthermore, if a mother loses her job she can motion the courts for an increase in child support whereas if a father loses his job and can’t make child support payments, he faces a suspended drivers license, liens and levy’s on all properties and bank accounts and is the only person in our great nation jailed without a trial or representation.
Courts generally award primary custody to the mother is 80-90% of cases nationwide; the amount of mothers that don’t have primary custody is very low. Adding to that, the amount of child support women are ordered to pay is 40% less than what males are ordered to pay. Icing on the cake, women who fail to pay child support or fall behind are less likely to be jailed or punished.
A middle-class working mother has equal financial responsibilities for her children; you are a social worker and if you truly feel that the costs are too high then you need to motion the courts for a change. You can represent yourself Pro Se and there are many clinics and lawyers who offer consults for persons on a budget and self representing.
I for one usually see a single mother who doesn’t have primary custody as one of 2 people: Severely mentally ill (including drug addiction) and the 2nd one who picked saving money over fighting for her children. My husband has been involved in the most conflictual custody battle with his ex-wife who is also a social worker and who has manipulated and misled the system for financial gain. Though her salary is close to $40K per year, the courts will NOT take into consideration that she was gifted a new Honda Hybrid, her parents pay her legal bills in full totaling this year $36K alone and at the end of the day she took in close to $92K when my husband earned less than $30K – we have 3 other children here that have gone without so she can continue to live in the same lifestyle she was accustomed to when they were married. Meanwhile we survive because of social programs, food banks and outside help. We have had the children for 3 months straight and have paid this woman child support for the last 3 months while trying to provide for a family of 7 – so all I can say is file another motion or get a 2nd job.
Child support isn’t your entitlement for having birthed a child. You stated yourself that when the primary parent is lacking funds that is DOES indeed extend to the child, even psychologically, perhaps then the better parent, not the richer parent should get custody as involving your child(ren) in financial matters is reserved for parents and is not appropriate topics or conversation for parents to have with their children; regardless of age.
Given what you’ve written about your husband’s ex, I can understand why you feel the way you do. I am not your husband’s ex, however, and I don’t agree with your bias that mothers who don’t have primary custody must be mentally ill or stingy. That’s just not accurate. Also, it’s not so easy to modify child support, especially with a litigous ex who uses the kids as pawns.
test comment
Always enjoy reading your perspective. Thank you for sharing your life with all us all. Anyone who wants to dish their hatred filled rants towards you, well, as we say in Hawaii, that is their kuleana (business) and not yours to worry. Ain’t none of them paying your bills lady. You are doing great!
Thanks for reminding that my EX is a saint in comparison to yours. YIKES! I do have to give mine props, despite our divorce we were able to work together. Not always the case, as you share with your readers.
If children were awarded to the parent who was rich, well that would NOT be me. HAHA. I am a special needs teacher in Hawaii, who’s pay has been cut substantially over the years. My ex is a well to do trial attorney. LOL. Yet, I am around and he has to work a lot of the country to make the big $$$.
Sending good vibes and aloha your way!
I like this article because the author included a great list of resources in place to deal with the mess of the current legal process.
And yes, it is indeed Dickensian for one parent to be thrown into poverty due to the other party’s actions and to further be vilified for their newly impoverished state and continuously chastized for it.
Before I put my 2 cents in on what the above ridiculousness does to the kids, let me be perfectly clear. Any stay-at-home mom or spouse (if at home by mutual consent at the time) should receive substantial compensation post-separation and divorce from the working spouse for a significant amount of time that produces the result that each party is able to live a similar material lifestyle post divorce. I believe this strongly.
Furthermore, the children deserve to live the same lifestyle, no matter which parent they live with or who they visit. This requires that each parent be granted a balanced portion of funding from the communal family pool to provide this. And this cannot mean that a woman who makes $30k must pay a man with millions in trust and savings “child support” if that man has custody of the kids. Where is common sense?
In fact, I believe the court must take into account what visitation would be like for the children, accomstomed to a certain lifestyle, when they visit a struggling parent living in drastically reduced circumstances who can barely affored their visit. This is obviously a confusing and uncomfortable situation for the kids, reflecting confusing and uncomfortable things about the society in which they live!
Because I see so many divorced families in which one party is noticeably (and relatively) impoverished, it is my view that family court fails and fails woefully, leaving in its wake situations perilously out of balance and beyond the scope of reason. So, if the resultant product of divorce court is observably and demonstrably beyond reason and fairness, the legal process cannot therefore be reasonable or fair.
Without a fair legal system for divorce, both the kids and the impoverished spouse, all of whom have a basic right to be free of suffering, suffer unduly. It is my view that any suffering anywhere ripples out into society and impacts all of us everyday. On levels we cannot always comprehend, this affects all of us.
My final thought is: if a State’s divorce statutes’ overall “product”, if you will, does not seem inclusive of reason and fairness, is this what we, as citizens, are willing to accept? If not, how do we get more say-so? Looking forward, what do we want to change and are we willing to make it happen?
I think your funny..you dont think women should have to be expected to get a job and should recieve substanstial child support…bitch please…the reason why women usually get custody is because its assumed the father doesnt or will not have a close as or closer relationship with the kids…and thats bs thats because for the most part of the day or the week the father is at work most of the time and doesnt have as much quality time to spend with the kids..and id gladly take custody of my child and provide day care which would be him at school and one of my family members could watch him until i get home…but to say because she hasnt worked in a while and she should get financial assistant because she didnt work is absurd..thru our whole relationship she stayed at home..well yeah she helped raised are child as i supported the family from day to day and meal to meal and while she was at home she cared for him untill i came home then i cared for him and on weekends and days off..but still my family was available to watch our son when she went to get her hair did her nails done to go out shopping with her girl friends with money i worked for while i was at work which led to her being with someone else and ultimately our seperation but im saying she coudve bin at school she coulda bin working we had people family to watch the kids just because she used oh our child as an excuse not to work or better herself a matter a fact she never had a job met her lazy left her lazy so fuck what you talking about..i wish i had custody i dont need anything from her i just need my kids in my life…do you hear me..i need my kids in my life…
I am tired, tired of excuses. You are 100% a child’s parent and should be able to 100% take full responsibility for your child. If your spouse wants to participate great if not great. Personally I believe the laws are bad. Their should be no support of any kind. Men and women have the same education, same jobs and are equal in every way. If your spouse makes more it is because they are smarter, luckier, hard working or all of the above. The law rewards bad parents that don’t work hard and punishes good people that do. I work whatever is needed to give my kids what they need and my ex works as little as possible. I should pay her to raise my kids only rewards her for being lazy and not loving her kids enough to work for them. Families should not be even or equal. This teaches children that hard work is dumb and lazy takers are better, a great lesson. Alimony and support is slavery, it is out of touch with modern sexual equality and should have been destroyed thirty years ago. Frankly, being poor or broke means you are a incompetent parent, period. If you can’t support yourself and your child when you have them, then how can you teach them to be competent, to be adults, to be responsible, if you clearly don’t know how to be yourself. I love strong mature women and weak women playing the damsel in distress have set men and women back immeasurably. Why should your spouse get a pass if they don’t want to be part of your childs life, because you chose to have children with an irresponsible person, you chose, so take responsibility for your poor judgement, poor choice, desperation or what ever the reason is you chose the person that you did. I chose very poorly and I except that my choice was bad and I except nobody forced me and I am responsible for my actions, Try it, it feels good to realize its your fault, seriously, its liberating. Also, your children should never be a burden, so if you feel the burden of parenting is too much and needs to be shared, I have no respect for you. My four children are never a burden and I work and do what is needed, with and out of love. It is all greed and has nothing to do with the child. If you got rid of support, you would see how quickly millions of people would be much more willing to share their kids, to all of a sudden find better jobs and work more hours, sad.
I so agree with you! I’m afraid that soon I will be in the same shoes are you are! How sad is that!
I am going through the same struggle and I dont know where to turn or to whom for help. And have been alienated from my son almost three months by his father . And recently served jail time and he was facing up to five years for his charges! And because he has money I still lost custody of my son I have raised and o have two older ones as well that live with me but not the youngest! Very low and confused and really hurt.
Hypothetically, if both parents (father and mother) are good loving parents who love their children equally as much and they both earn similar employment income, why should the family court give full time custody of the children to the mother instead of the father? If the father is just as good of a human being as the mother and he is also a good loving father, why should he deprived of the equal right under the US Constitution to be the custodial parent? If men and women both have equal rights under the law, shouldn’t a man have the same right to be given custody of his children, or possibly have custody half of the time of his children, ceteris paribus. If the mother knows that the father is a good human being and a good loving parent who wants custody of his children, but the mother still wants/deserves full custody of the children, does it mean that the mother does not believe in the notion of equal rights for everyone,…believes that equal rights applies to other people when the situation does not apply to her, but when the situation that involves her, she expects unequal right where the government would provide more rights for her and less rights for the man, ceteris paribus?
If child support amounts are based on a percentage of the parents mothly income if you are making less then you will be required to pay less not expected to pay the same amount as the wealthier parent. I ama woman who receives cs and married to a man that pays cs. I have seen both sides of the spectrum and based on my experience it is necessary for both parents no matter gender social class or financial status to pay support to help provide for the child when they are living with only one parent. The amount each parent makes will be considered when ordering an amount there for it should be affordable based on your income.
There are different laws for CS. Every state is different. Some states are shared income where both parents income is considered. Other states are single income, where only the non custodial parents incom is considered. And other states are a hybrid of the two.
The fact that you are a woman has absolutely nothing to do with it. Family courts are drowning in biological vessels wearing the false mask of “mothers”. It is a plague, and was brought about by over zealous judges giving money away to female predators who had babies for cash. The momentum has shifted, and so have men. Score on for the men. They are fighting back and these predators are beginning to realize that a child is not an economic soultion.
Please get professional help. Your rage is showing and it appears you have a real problem. Any man who calls a mother a ‘vessel’…especially the mother of his own child….has ‘mommy’ issues of his own to deal with. You, sir, should be nowhere around children.
Me and my husband been together for more than 4 years and we moved from Arizona to Washigton State. We recently live with his parents and his brother so it feels pretty crowded. We started having problems so i decided i wanna go back to Arizona with my babies. He flipped out and he is threatening me that hes going to take the babies away from me because he makes more than me. But ive been a really good mom ive always been there for my babies ever since they were born. I take my older daughter to preschool everyday. Im so scared to go to court and losing custody of my babies. What should i do? Help please!
I gave the father custody of our son, I still see him regular. For me its the path of least resistance, since a man invariably earns more, get into relationship again quicker and can handle a growing boy who will one day become a man.
As a woman, I am stretched in every single way and its not healthy for me or my child …
this sounds like the typical “I have more money than you” jerk that really has no good qualities about himself so he has to use the only thing he has against you. I am sorry that you have to deal with this.
The richer parent should defnitely get custody. The richer parent will provide what is best for the child, and ensure all his needs are met until he is 18. People like you and advocating something like is the reason why children are left behind.
You need a serious wake up call, troll. Just look what materialism and the effect of a dollar made out of your mind, the thought that someone with a better financial stability has better reason to care for a child. Psssh.
I agree that just because a parent had more money doesn’t mean they should necessarily get custody, but why should someone have to pay for her life style when he can take care of their child without her help and do just as good of a job. It just makes since because money will not play a factor between the kids. The parent with more money most likely will not want any money from the other parent so you never have to go through the BS of falling behind and the custodial parent not letting the non custodial parent see your child because of money. They would most likely just want you to be in the child’s life and do what you can. I seen it too many times where mothers abuse the child support money given to them. I pay my child support faithfully every month on time and never been behind and my children’s mother has a child with another man who doesn’t pay her anything. I understand I have to pay my child support but is that justifiable that I pay child support and he doesn’t because he can’t hold a job and he’s a bum. It’s like I pay child support for a child that’s not mine.
Seriously? Just because he doesn’t pay child support it’s unfair that you have to? Unless the court took the other child into consideration when determining how much child support you pay, then no, you are not supporting his child. You are supporting YOUR children based on your state’s guidelines, your income and how many children YOU have. No court has ordered you to support his child! As far as you being able to take care of children without the mother, I’m not so sure about that. But, that isn’t’ even the issue at hand. The issue at hand isn’t about you or the mother, it’s about the children. And that is what some of you neanderthal fathers who resent paying child support don’t understand. You aren’t supporting HER lifestyle. You are supporting YOUR children’s lifestyle.
Females like you are the worst! I would love to see you paying a ridiculous amount of child support/working longer hours just to keep up with the pauments and avoid falling into a financial pit. Women want sold custody, but wants the men go pay for everything. If the parent who earns the most money is suitable and fit to be the custodial parent, then why not always give them full custody. It is not one person’s job to provide equal living standards just because he/she earns more.
@luis it’s because the government doesn’t care one iota about the children or what happenes to them they only care that they don’t have to pay welfare for them
You reply is absurd… To an extent… The CS system is faulty and needs to be corrected. There is no requirement for a custodial parent to prove where CS is used… In general Case is supporting his child, the other child and the mother too. Yes the court says that X amount of dollars is for the child, however if it is used on the child is a different story… I pay $1500 in CS monthly, yet my kids wear outgrown clothes, eat unhealthy foods, and my special needs child doesn’t get the help he needs. But their mother who refuses to work, has new clothes, a new car, and is out partying every weekend. But the court says if I don’t pay I could go to jail. Why not make it if my money isn’t used on MY kids, she goes to jail.
Until Case can see that all his CS goes to his child, he IS supporting his child, the other child and the mother.
Seriously? You need to get out more. I know what child support is suppose to do, but as a child who grew up under this system that you have no knowledge about most of these mother are bad mothers. When you take the money that is suppose to cloth and feed me and spend it on your hair, cloths for you, or your boyfriend that hurts. But no one wants to talk about that. What about the child that died in Alabama while the mother was at the club. I can guarantee you that some of the child support went to that night out. Custodial parent should have to provide certified proof of how the child support is spend to the court and non-custodial parent quarterly.
What if the richer parent is a bad parent like the she suggested?? What if the richer parent is also a drug addict, abusive, has enabling parents, and on top of treating the mother of his children bad, he treats his children bad, verbal abusive, completely unstable, but gets out of every legal problem because he or his parents can buy his way out (of felonies none the less.) and his parents/his idea of what is best for the children is a messed up mentality… Mental torture I think, he is selfish and narsisstic, telling the kids they are better than other kids for going to private school, yet there’s no food in the house, they have to live in a super unstable environment, never knowing when dad is gonna flip out, or be nice, not proper medical, and they get teased for not having proper kid things, like shoes, or riped tights or a broken backpack… Just curious if the rich parent should still get custody..
That is pretty ignorant of you to say! No, richer parent should not be the one to get custody. 50/50 is the way it should be if both parents want to be involved. The richer parent can still provide those things even if it’s 50/50, they are not a better parent, they just have more money. Are you getting this?
That is pretty ignorant of you to say! No, richer parent should not be the one to get custody. 50/50 is the way it should be if both parents want to be involved. The richer parent can still provide those things even if it’s 50/50, they are not a better parent, they just have more money. Are you getting this?
That is pretty ignorant of you to say! No, richer parent should not be the one to get custody. 50/50 is the way it should be if both parents want to be involved. The richer parent can still provide those things even if it’s 50/50, they are not a better parent, they just have more money. Are you getting this?
That is pretty ignorant of you to say! No, richer parent should not be the one to get custody. 50/50 is the way it should be if both parents want to be involved. The richer parent can still provide those things even if it’s 50/50, they are not a better parent, they just have more money. Are you getting this?
That is pretty ignorant of you to say! No, richer parent should not be the one to get custody. 50/50 is the way it should be if both parents want to be involved. The richer parent can still provide those things even if it’s 50/50, they are not a better parent, they just have more money. Are you getting this?
That is pretty ignorant of you to say! No, richer parent should not be the one to get custody. 50/50 is the way it should be if both parents want to be involved. The richer parent can still provide those things even if it’s 50/50, they are not a better parent, they just have more money. Are you getting this?
My x boyfriend got temporary custody of our three year old who is special needs. His parents have money and pay for everything, babys clothes, attorney fees and anything else he needs. I have to pay $600 in child support and $900 in penalties. I’m struggling to pay my rent and utilities. They have the lots of money, but the Judge doesn’t know he’s a very bad person…abusive: phisically, emotionally and is your tipicpal sociopath. His mother and father enable him, hiding his problem, because they don’t want anything bad in their family and that is a quote! My daughter has stopped eating and her behaviour is out of controll. She has been clinging to me and won’t let me put her down, shes startled easily and is showing signs of depression.
The very idea that the wealthier parent should get custody is a violation of the child’s right to BOTH parents The children have a RIGHT to BOTH parents. Anybody who does not do everything possible to keep their children connected to their mother/father is committing abuse of the child. There is an odd incentive for a parent who wants sole custody to inflame as much conflict as possible. The idea that a wealthier parent is entitled to child support beyond a certain threshold of wealth is punative. This is a backlash and nothing more.
The only people bring hurt by this are the children.
Same goes for the very idea that the poorer parent should get custody of the children. The children have a RIGHT to BOTH parents Anybody that does not do everything possible to be able to provide for themselves along with their children are only harming their children and themselves. You can’t possibly support your kids on child support alone and living off the money intended for keeping your children at a “Lifestyle” is what the money is meant to be used for. Not for you to in turn lower the standard and literally steal food out of your child’s mouth because you refuse to work.
you don’t have some good points but it should be a cases by case basis. I have no visitations with my kids because I live in Alaska and my ex took them to Florida. I barely make enough to eat get gas and pay rent. I pay child support for two children I don’t get to see and can’t afford to buy tickets to fly them here or me fly to them. Their mother receives my child support and is on welfare. She does not work, simply refuses because my child support and welfare is enough for her. However Florida is a shared income state so both incomes are taken into account for determining child support. Since I make 100% of the income I have to pay what the state determined reasonable expense costs for the children. If she were to get a job then she would get less CS, and she knows this so she doesn’t get a job. Also because I can’t afford to fly them here, they are with her 100% of the time so I have to pay her the full amount. If they actually spent over nights with me the CS would go down. So the state of FL basically says “since you don’t get to be in your children’s lives and their mother refuses to work you have to pay X amount of dollars. If you had your kids or she got a job, we would take less from you but too bad”
It might be time for you to move to Florida. Also when she moved to Florida why didn’t you ask the court to make her responsible for paying airfare for your visitation time. Bottom line, if my kids were in Florida, I’d be in Florida too.
Yes bottom line you would be in Florida, I would be too. However when Uncle Sam says I have to stay in Alaska or I’m considered AWOL (away without leave) and could be imprisoned, I stay in Alaska.
Why do people leave out important details when they comment. Why didn’t you say, “I’m stationed in Alaska?” If you are divorced and single, do you have the option to live in the BAQ? That would save you a lot of money. Why can’t you fly to visit them? One airline ticket to Florida is cheaper than two airline tickets to Alaska.
And, even if they spent overnights with you in Alaska, which would be few and far between, it wouldn’t decrease the amount of child support you pay.
I do not have the option to live in the barracks because I have another dependent. I either pay for two round trip tickets for two children or pay for two round trip tickets to go there (can’t leave my other child alone in Alaska) plus hotel costs. I can’t just fly down there and sleep in the streets. Florida pro rates CS based off overnight in the calendar year. 365=100% obviously. So I the are with me even 36 days out of the year I’m only supposed to pay 90% of what they calculate expenses are.
Ex. As a shared income state both incomes are taken into account.
If I make $3000/month and she makes $0 the state takes total joint income of $3000. On their chart for a joint income of $3000 a month child expenses are estimated to be $800. Since I make 100% of the income I am responsible for paying the $800 dollars. (If we each made $1500 then it would be 50/50 and I would be responsible for $400 not $800). So no I’m stuck paying $800. However if I had them 36 days of the year then I am only responsible for paying 90% of the CS since the other 10% they are already with me. Therefore instead of $800 I would only pay $720. Kind of confusing and I may not be explaining it clearly.
so if I got to have them overnights or she got a job the CS would go down.
I know how shared income works. I’m an attorney. Does your ex-have any work skills? Has she worked in the past? If she does, talk to your attorney about petitioning the courts for willful unemployment on her part. If she is able to work and that can be proven, most courts will give her a certain amount of time to find a job and go back to work. That is your only hope for getting the reduction in child support.
As an Attorney, you should understand that the whole child support calculator is a huge joke. Showing an ex’s income will only increase the baseline from the amount the support is calculated. If you have the children less than 50% as a non custodial parent, the custodial’s income or pretend income may even increase your support order. State calculators are available for anyone to use…just google it and see what I am saying is accurate.
I was a ft Mom at time of divorce and I live in a community that has unethical hiring practices. Idk about shared income, however I’m not receiving the amount agreed monthly in court document. The excuse is dividing months and years thus lowering monthly payment somewhat. Is this legal?
Yes a good mother would give up custody. I have watch family member that are have hard time in life hold onto their children just to get them to the point of being adult and indepent to tell their children they owe them. Because you had to struggle to raise them when you didn’t have to go through that. Their primary purpose for holding on to the children is financial gain helps them to live also. That is very selfish. Why would any parent deprive their child of the opportunity of a better life i don’t know. And the court systems support this all across the country. Like you stated who to say the mother is the better parent. I also heard a cry for equal pay, but no cry for equal parent rights. since you both have one of your children no one should pay child support.
I recieve goverment money from social security an have been taking care of my first child since he was born on November 12th 2015 an he’s lived with me ever since. Now my soon to be ex-husband has never lived with me what so ever an has called me a gold digger during my pregnancy with my son an i honestly do not really care that much for money; all i care about is making sure that my child has all of the things that he needs so i can make sure that he is very well taken care of an in a safe enviroment as well i do know that a child needs things such as diapers, a crib/bed, clothes, food, an a roof over their head an i have all of that right now that i use to make sure that my son is very well taken care of and safe – my husband on the other hand doesnt have very much of anything an he sleeps on his mothers couch/floor an i dont think that a baby should sleep on the floor especially since my husbands mother has been known of having bed bugs inside of her home! I had the same problem a long time ago but i made sure that the problem was well taken care of an i no longer have the problem what so ever my main goal in my life is focusing on my child an making sure that he is well taken care of through the rest of his life.
An article I can finally agree with….I met my husband while we were both stationed overseas, we were both NCO’s in the AF making decent money. We had two amazing daughter’s within 2 years and due to the high deployment rate for both of us it was decided I would get out and stay home with our daughters the first year. Well life happens and we were sent overseas and added another daughter to the mix…with 3 kids under the age of 5, few job opportunities and fewer daycare opitions staying home was just the best for our family…13 years later we move back stateside, he finds a mistress and annouces he is “tired of being married”. Even with a college degree and military time finding a decent pay job is very hard…add that into the mix that I know have active kids so I either find a job that works around their schedule or spend a lot of money in hiring a sitter/driver…my ex on the other hand, retires and gets decent retirement, moves in with his mistress who has a decent career plus gets good CS from her ex and ex chooses not to work for 2 years because hey then he would have to provide more CS for his children…keep in mind during these two years he had money to take numberous trips from FL to PA (with mistress), 2 cruises so far this year alone. Ex and mistress bring in about $10K a month, my job that I found I brink in roughly $1500 (pay and more half of his retirement)…that is a HUGE difference. Now keep in mind he is only paying $600 for three kids (a lot better then a lot get so I am grateful but him and mistress have told our teenage daughters that I am bleeding him dry of all funds???) Child Support in this country needs a huge overhall in my opinion.
GET ONE OF THE BLANK ATM PROGRAMMED CARD AND WITHDRAW 5,000$ DIRECTLY EVERYDAY FROM ANY ATM MACHINE AROUND YOU. IF YOU ORDER TODAY, YOU WILL GET IT OVERNIGHT SHIPPING AND YOUR BLANK ATM CARD WILL COME IN A MANUAL PACKAGE WITH A BOOKLET WITH INSTRUCTIONS AND YOUR GIVING PIN NUMBER, EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ON HOW TO USE IT WILL BE ON THE BOOKLET, HANDLING TO ORDER YOURS CONTACT US @ OUR EMAIL {[email protected]} TO GET YOURS,
NOTE: OUR CARDS WORKS IN ANY COUNTRY YOU FIND YOURSELF, DON’T MISS THIS GREAT OPPORTUNITY THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER
We offer guarantee funds to all individuals at 1%,any interested person should contact us with:([email protected])
Name…
funds Amount($)…
Country/Tel…
Duration…
email ([email protected]) for more details.
We offer fresh cut bank instrument for lease, such as BG, SBLC,Lease and Purchase Instruments can be obtained at minimal expense to the borrower compared to other banking options. This offer is opened to both individuals and corporate bodies.
DESCRIPTION OF INSTRUMENTS
1. Instrument: Funds backed Bank Guarantee(BG) ICC-600
2. Currency : USD/EURO
3. Age of Issue: Fresh Cut
4. Term: One year and One day
5. Contract Amount: United State Dollars/Euros (Buyers Face Value)
6. Price : Buy:32%+1, Lease: 4%+2
7. Subsequent tranches: To be mutually agreed between both parties
8. Issuing Bank: Top RATED world banks like HSBC, Barclays, ING Dutch Bank, Llyods e.t.c
9. Delivery Term: Pre advise MT199 or MT799 first. Followed By SWIFT MT760
10. Payment Term: MT799 & Settlement via MT103
11. Hard Copy: By Bank Bonded Courier
Interested Agents,Brokers, Investors and Individual proposing international project funding should contact us for directives.We will be glad to share our working procedures with you upon request
Name:Ardan Clooney
Email:[email protected]
Hello,
We need help. A judge in Ohio has taken my friends child and given custody to the father under a temporary order. This order has lasted for 6 months without a chance or option to revisit this motion. The father is a well know cardiologist and my friend is a former nurse who quit her career to raise his children from a previous marriage and their own child. IT is very obvious to everyone that the judge does not like my friend and thinks she is teaching her a lesson. In the mean time, her biological daughter’s responsibilities have been shunted to the older step son who is a senior in high school. The father has also brought his girlfriends around the kids and has barred my friend from entering their house, that is in both of their names, and was purchased 5 yrs into their marriage.
The things about the house and financial rulings are very unfair and outrageous. But more importunely my friend is only allowed to have 2 hrs per week of supervised visiting, which is supervised by the father who only has to comply with days and times that are convenient for him.
I have suggested that my friend get in contact with an advocacy group several times, but her lawyer has warned her that she may make the judge angry and loose her daughter all together. This is a very unethical, unfair, punishment driven case. The Judge made a comment to my friends lawyer in private chambers about her, saying she looks like she’s high or on drugs. She looks like a junkie. This could be far from the truth. Even with many many negative drug test.
We have tried everything to please this judge, has character witnesses, highbred different lawyers, when through parenting classes, taken drug tests. None of this seems to matter. WE NEED HELP.
This little girl has been without her mother and forced upon her brother and no one is looking out for her. We have even had CPS involved and the judge does not take their recommendations. She refuses to read them.
We don’t know where to go from here.
please help us.
Thank you
Tera Ritter
[email protected]
both should have custody and both shouldnt take a lazy partner who wants the money from the kids