Earlier this week one of my DivorcedMoms homies wrote a piece about the difference between being a single mother and being a “solo mother” – someone who is temporarily parenting alone while her spouse is out of town. While the writer, Susanna Morgan, admitted it is difficult for any parent who has to schlep, shop, cook, and nurse-maid without back-up, she also stated that solo parents shouldn’t complain about their interim status, and instead count their blessings because their partners will return.
The piece garnered harsh criticism on my Facebook feed. Commenters felt the writer was whining about her parenting life instead of acknowledging that every parent feels overwhelmed and alone at times. I was puzzled by the intensity of the reactions because it seems like a no-brainer that being a solo parent for a week is far easier than being a single parent into perpetuity. Whenever one of my married mom friends tells me, “I know just how you feel!” because her husband is off on a business trip, I tell her, “Actually, you have no idea.”
I think I speak for most single parents (moms or dads) when I say that there is no genuine comparison between our experiences and those of the solo-ers. The relentlessness of single parenthood is draining. You can’t afford to develop a major health problem because no one else is around to take care of your kids. You can’t afford to lose your job, or segue to part-time work, because no one else will pay your rent. Unless you’re financially well-off, you can jettison retirement fantasies because you will most likely be working till you drop. You constantly struggle to keep loneliness at bay: unlike the temporarily solo parent, you have no significant other who will return and relieve you. The only person you have to fall back on, ever, unless you re-partner, is you.
For all those who wish to support a single mom friend (and I suggest you do), here is a list of six simple things you can do to change her life:
- Ask what it’s like to be a single mom. Listen to her share her experience. Don’t spout platitudes, tell her things really aren’t so hard, or try to correct her perception of her experience. Just listen. One of the nicest things a married friend did for me was to admit that she really didn’t know what my life was like. She urged me to tell her if she ever acted like she did. Her willingness to be mindful, and to let me be the expert of my experience, and to listen, was incredibly validating.
- Give gifts that matter. Scented body lotion and artisanal candles make lovely birthday presents, but they aren’t items a single mom needs. Instead, give your friend a Target or Trader Joe’s gift card. Bring her homemade meals she can stick in the freezer and heat up when she she’s too tired to cook. Buy her a Christmas tree. Or an evening with a gigolo. Kidding! But now that I have your attention, read on.
- Provide hands-on help. Offer to baby-sit. Pick up her dry-cleaning. Rake the leaves in her front yard. Drive her kids to soccer practice. Help her unpack moving boxes. You know how burdened you feel by your own to-do list? Hers is twice as long.
- Help her afford a much-needed vacation. Do you have a time-share she can stay in for a long weekend? Can you wrangle her kids for a few days so she doesn’t have to spring for childcare? Feed and walk her dogs so she doesn’t have to kennel them? Single moms need to re-charge their batteries even more than you do.
- Give her a happy holiday. Few things can make a single parent feel more single than a Thanksgiving or Christmas spent solo. Invite her to Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas Caroling, or a New Year’s Eve party. And when you’re in line waiting for your Hot Mocha, pick up a Starbuck’s gift card for her to stick in her stocking.
- Keep her on your guest list. Think your single mom friend doesn’t need anything from you because she’s okay financially? Think again. Many single moms watch their social lives fall apart because their married friends don’t know what to do with them. Invite her to dinner parties, family gatherings, or just to hang out in your back yard. If you think she’s going to steal your husband, get over it. Your friend isn’t a homewrecker. She just wants to feel included.
Got any other items on your Wish List, single moms? Leave a comment and weigh in!
I would like to add to No. 1……if your single mom friend needs to vent, ASK if she just needs someone to listen or wants solution ideas. Many times we just need to vent a little and as much as we love our dogs, its just not the same as venting to a friend. BUT please try not to assume we need solutions. Many of our situations are VERY complicated, and TELLING us what we need to DO only adds more stress because we feel we need to clarify every little detail as to WHY we just have to sit here and look like we are doing nothing to better our situation. Trust that we spend many sleepless bours playing over solutions in our minds already.
YES!! Also, some of the “solutions” people have offered me, even though they mean well, are just not viable, leaving me to feel even more isolated.
I love this, Pauline! Great list of way to help her out. There is no more difficult job in the world and doing it all alone? I can’t imagine. I was single parenting as a divorced mom but the father was in the picture. That proved a different set of challenges but still not quite as hard as doing it all ‘alone’. Money can’t buy support, great point Pauline.
I would add:
If she is in a house; offer to help with tasks either yard work or fixing something, for example. Maintaining a house alone is overwhelming.
Pauline, as always, you’ve nailed it! I didn’t realize there was a name for what I’ve been doing for the past 2 years while my husband was working & living 6 hours away. I referred to my situation as a part-time single Mom who was dating my spouse when he came home every other weekend. We’ve several friends who are true single moms, and one of my favorite ways to support them is to pop a freezer friendly dish in their fridge or to do some yard work for them while they’re at work so they come home to a useful surprise! I’ve received so many tearful calls thanking me! When our lives turned into part time co-habitation & full time insanity it gave me a deeper understanding of what these women go through, & made me that much more grateful for the support system I’ve got. I read your blog for myriad reasons, and always take away something to apply to my own self, marriage, or to help my single Mom friends. Thank you for you keen insights! I wish you and your kids happiness & contentment! You’re an inspiration to moms & women everywhere!
I still think there needs to be a distinction between single parent and co-parenting as well. A girl I used to work with spent a great deal of time complaining how hard it was doing it “all alone” with her two sons, and I felt compassion for her….until in the next breath, she said she could only party on the WEEKS that their father had them. REALLY, woman? She and her ex split custody 50-50 so she had 2 kid-free weeks per month. Married parents don’t get that much time to themselves!
I’m not saying that divorced/separated co-parenting is a breeze because it’s not, but if the other parent is actively involved in the kids’ lives and contributing financially, emotionally, physically, etc….that’s different than the single mother or father who has their children 24/7 and is the sole provider of everything all the time.
This will likely be an unpopular opinion, and I’d like to clarify that I understand any kind of parenting is hard, and I’m not looking down on anyone. I’d just like to see a distinction between the true SOLE parent (male or female) and people who are co-parenting separately. Listening to someone complain how hard it is doing it all alone and then watching them ship their kids off to their ex for a week and go out and party like a college kid is just a bit much.
Emerson, you raise a good point, there can be some single parents who have advantages that married parents don’t. I think in general, though, the average single mom has an enormous amount of stress, unless she’s got a lot of family around or is financially well off — that’s the type of single mom that inspired this piece, not the gallivanting 50/50 party mom.
Absolutely! There are definitely single and sole parents that are under great stress. One of my closest friends became a sole parent at 19 when the father walked out, and our friends rallied to help her raise her daughter. It just irks me when people who get a ridiculous amount of child support and ship their kids off 50% of the time get put in the same category as someone who really struggles with keeping a roof over their kids’ heads because he/she is doing it alone. Those both get called single parents and I wish there was some kind of distinguishing term, because they’re so vastly different. Thanks for reading and not biting my head off though. I really do appreciate that.
You claim to speak for MOST single moms. You can count me out. This article was very self-serving and pretentious. I am much happier as a single parent (with a disabled child) than when I was married. The only thing I ask from my friends is if I can put them down as emergency contacts, since there is no one else I can ask. I am responsible for the choices I make.
I think there are a lot of things most single moms are happier about. But many of us are challenged by things not of our own choosing: vindictive exes, absent exes, and lack of child support are just a few that come to mind. I’m glad you chimed in though — that’s great that you’ve had a different experience.
Hi Joanie, I think the article is impressive but wouldn’t describe it as being pretentious since there is a great need my most single moms for exactly what the article suggests…support and help. And I’m not sure how encouraging people to reach out to and support others could be, in the least, bit self-serving.
If you are happy with your life and situation that is wonderful. Many single mothers aren’t though, they struggle daily and I see no reason to begrudge them or judge them if someone writes an article pointing out their struggles.
Careful with the generalization that 50/50 custody moms have it easy. While I do not face the hardships of a sole custody mother, I spend A LOT of time trying to undo damage done by a vindictive ex with horrible boundaries and my kid lives in a state of confusion. I also receive no support and I am, in fact, solely responsible for all of my sons expenses as virtue of being the primary breadwinner in the now-defunct marriage. I also pay support to my lesser-earning ex, which is common practice in my state. The parent who works harder pays out in a 50/50 custody situation and my ex husband will collect a chunk of my paycheck for the next thirteen years, so my son has an equal standard of living in both homes. Side note – I barely make $50,000 a year, I am hardly a high flying executive.
So don’t hate on 50/50 moms. every divorced woman has her cross to bear.
Sorry but I was a single mom. When I got divorced I was thrilled to be single because there were many perks to doing it all in terms of only EVERYthing for my 4 kids school, sports and raising them without having to please or listen to a coach potato husband. I worked and did it all. I divorced and same thing did it all but added going back to school and furthering my career. I agree with the posts that mention married, single or remarried, doesn’t matter this artical apears to be a “poor me” slant on parenting.
I’m remarried now and my husband pays very well to his ex in alimony and child support. He has 50/50 custody and is a hands on dad. No matter what he does her side of the story is she doesn’t get enough money and he never does enough for the kids. She continues to alienate his involvement by her not-so-suttle comments about anything he does and lack of important information on the kids. She purposely sets him up for failure whenever she can. She too is a 50/50 mom.. always says single moms have it so bad.. etc. Actually she’s a single lady. Theres a difference! She doens’t have many dates or friends because of her relationship issues. We have tried to offer assistance and turns us down only to rant to mutual friends.
“Sorry,” but your comment is woefully misguided and it’s clear you know nothing about my circumstances. Like you, I went back to school and started a new career. Unlike you, however, my ex is phenomenally wealthy and doesn’t work so he doesn’t have to pay child support. He has spent the last ten years motivated by greed, revenge, and maintaining his dilettante lifestyle. That includes hiding income not to pay child support, refusing to take my kids for a full weekend so he could keep his weekends free, bad-mouthing me in a crazy campaign to prove he’s the best parent, and being so intrusive in my household that he for years sabotaged my authority with my son until my son got old enough to figure out what was going on and now calls his dad a sociopath.
You have no clue what it’s like to be divorced from a toxic narcissist. As for your current situation, I have no idea what the reality is. Your husband may be the best ex ever and his ex may be a nightmare. It’s not for me to say. Nor is it for YOU to say what life is like for the millions of hard-working single moms who have had a very different situation than yours.
Frankly, I find your comment to be a unbelievabley arrogant, devoid of empathy, and an absolute slap in the face to other single moms. Rarely have I not run a comment by a reader, but I won’t run any more of yours. If you leave another one, it’ll be deleted.
“Sorry,” but you are projecting your situation onto the situations of other single moms. I would LOVE it if I had the freedom you did to make all the decisions. Instead, I have to “co-parent” with a ragingly narcissistic ex whom my son refers to as “the sociopath.” He has spent the past ten years doing everything to make our lives a complete and utter living hell. Perhaps you should actually read my blog before you make arrogant, uninformed comments that are a slap in the face to the single moms who have more to contend with than you did.
As for your husband — I have no idea what the reality is. Maybe he’s the greatest ex in the world and his ex is a nightmare. But you have no business passing judgement on the single moms out there who truly do deal with nightmare situations.
In my three years of blogging, I have rarely deleted a comment from a reader. But if you write another arrogant, holier-than-thou missive, it’s going straight in the trash.
Are you seriously judging all single moms by the one single mom you deal with? If so, you are quite shortsighted and for that reason I question what you have written here. You say she complains about not getting enough money but then you say she turns down offers of assistance. What kind of offers of assistance? What strings do the two of you attach to the assistance you are willing to give? No mom who is suffering financially is going to turned down an offer of assistance unless someone uses that offer to attempt to control her. Based on your belief that raising your children on your own with no input from their father being a “perk” I have a feeling there may be a control freak issue going on in this situation. And for future reference it is “couch potato” not coach, article instead of “artical” and subtle, not “suttle.” And let me close by adding one more thing…you didn’t say anything that I’ve not heard from dozens of other second wives. Some second wives ALWAYS resent the first wife. Another reason I question what you’ve written here.
I am in a Co parenting situation. But I am very much a single mom. When I have my children I am doing it on my own. When they are with their father I don’t stop being a mother. That’s when I do things so I don’t take away time they need from me. It’s not party time. It’s time to work. And it is lonely. I lost a lot of friends when I got a divorce. I would love for friends to reach out and show some kindness and empathy. I should clarify I’m in a Co parenting situation so I can be dismissed as not really in need of any of these things? And for a new wife to judge the first wife as a horrible human being is ridiculous. You didn’t live their relationship. And you aren’t living her life now. How would you feel if the man you loved left you, met someone else, and is now living the life you thought you would have. Would you want handouts from them? And if she wants to gent to her girlfriend that’s her right. We all need a safe place to blow off steam. That’s none of your business. And I suspect you and your ex aren’t as friendly as you could be. You don’t sound very friendly at all.
this isn’t just for divorced parents but also single parents by choice. But I’m not sure about #1. I talk about being a single parent in my own time and way. Sometimes I just talk to people, sometimes I write articles, etc. But I am not sure if I want to be constantly asked about it. And as much as I want understanding and, yes, sometimes sympathy, I feel a bit uncomfortable with the “you’re doing such a great job” or “I could never do it” and “you’re amazing.” Like any other parent, single or not, I screw up a lot and some times actually get it right. I am not a patient, calm, quiet parent (just ask my neighbors). I am not a super parent; I’m just doing the best I can staying on this side of the sane line.
But the other items on the list, definitely. We are very lucky to have people in our lives who help us, whether it’s taking my daughter to/from school, or having us over for holiday meals, or driving me to the supermarket. All these simple things make a big difference and help us incredibly.
I don’t usually engage in online dialogues but I was truly struck with the indifference many of us have toward other women when I read all the comments to this post. My thoughts won’t rest unless I shared this.
What a beautiful sisterhood of women we would have if we would all learn to appreciate each other. Some of us have had tremendous freedoms and liberty granted to us. Others, may struggle with financial strain, emotional hurt, disabilities, mental illness, health issues or loneliness just to name a few. We should each understand our own strengths and weaknesses because we all have both in our lives.
You may creative but depressed, kind but have challenging children, or maybe intelligent yet full of pride or impatience. Some of us may struggle with a spouse in the home, some struggle with a spouse outside the home, some struggle with ourselves and some aren’t struggling at all. Some of us lack support. Some of us are the support. Whatever our mix, we all have something to contribute and we may all at one point or another need the help of another human being.
Embrace our differences, learn from one another and then we can each grow in our lives and make this world a better place. Don’t let our differences polarize us. What a loss that is to everyone one of us.
So today I celebrate your victories and growth. I mourn your loss and grieve with you in your pain. And I hope for each of us, peace.
Sincerely,
A sister
Spouse of 14 years abandoned me and our one and two-year-old children with zero warning and moved 2300 miles away. From the time I found out he was having an affair to the time that he closed the door and walked away was less than 24 hours. I have no coparent. I have a narcissistic, selfish man-child who decided to walk away from his life and to leave my beautiful daughter and son without a daddy. I am emotionally and physically exhausted every day. I don’t get invited to things because I’m not part of a ‘couple’. I was married for life and I was a great wife. Now all I can do is try to pick up the pieces for me and my two beautiful children and pray to God that they are not emotionally screwed up by the fact that their father moved all the way across the country just to end up having a baby with his affair partner and will be a daddy to HIM, but not to THEM. He is sweet as pie to them on Skype. It’s all image and fluff with no substance. He’s visited once for 4 days in the last 2 years. Can’t believe I missed all the signs. He’s a MASTER liar. So, thank you for this article. People like me with PTSD and exhaustion and (now) anxiety find it hard to say what they need because they’re convinced that they are being judged from the outside by people who don’t know for one second what the real story is, or what their life is like every day. No help is coming. Do any of you really understand what that feels like? If you can’t, find someone who wears shoes like mine, bake them a lasagna, and make their day instead of trying to assess all of us with overgeneralizations because ‘you knew a single mom and she didn’t have it so bad’. Be the change. Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
I have one friend who walks in and automatically goes to wash the dishes for me. it is the nicest present anyone can give me (aside for a full house cleaner).
i love this you are spot on with every thing you wrote. Being a single parent cannot be compared with being a solo parent I really wish people would realize this but I guess they can’t have empathy because they don’t walk in my shoes. (How sad) My kids are getting older and they are wonderful young men starting their lives. I must say it has been a lot of work. I see that it has paid off!! everyone in this situation please perservier!
Don’t assume that she has family members who are supportive of her and her kids. Yes, this is particularly important to keep in mind around the holidays, but sometimes even a plain old weekend can be brutal. Also, if she has multiple children, don’t simply assume that her children are impatient or badly behaved, step up and help them because she can’t be in multiple places at once (I have an 8 year-old and 6 year-old twins who are as patient as they can possibly be, but they are children!).
One not on the list…..last month one of my kid’s and I had the flu. 7 days of fever, chills, coughs, headaches, etc. I had not 1, but 3 friends offer to bring us tissues, juice, meds, etc! One even lent me her vaporizor. I felt so bad not being able to run out and get what my son needed for his illness, since I was just as ill. It is a BIG HELP to have someone offer to pick up orange juice!! :)))))
I can totally sympathize with most of the things mentioned in this article and many of the things the replies have said.
I am a single mother of three children (14,6, and 3). I am 44 years old and have three degrees, but none of this makes life easy or a cake walk. Yes, I can earn a living and I probably could make it if it were not for a narcissist ex who does everything from stalking me (I have managed to get criminal trespass warnings at my home and my work), telling lies to the children, telling lies and spreading untrue gossip about me across my town, refusing to pay child support and medical support, demanding that he get “equal” time with the children, calling the cops and filing police reports when he doesn’t get his way, and refusing to participate in any part of actual parenting (school ARD’s, doctor appointments, therapy, or parent conferences).
I have spent every single dime I have in moving (I was forced to move from the home MY salary paid to build), housing deposits on shitty rentals, attorney fees (my husband went through the divorce I represented while I paid $9000 for an attorney and he got to walk away free without any consequences). If an ex doesn’t pay child support or court ordered support getting them to do it is essentially impossible. The judge can order it, but nothing ever happens. You spend more in legal fees and court costs just trying to get them to do their part, while they demand the kids for their part. It is interesting that if you miss a child exchange they can file an immediate online police report, but if you miss a child support payment for a month or 3 years there is no police report to file and nothing to do other than throw more bad money after good trying to get what you are supposedly owed according to the court system. It’s not like we are taking trips to Maui with the money. We are paying day care bills and buying school supplies.
I spend everything I have on clothes, day care (for two life it was $1600 a month), braces, medical appointments, and food. There is nothing more lonely in the world than spending all your time and energy on raising kids so that you have zero resources left to take care of yourself. I haven’t had a haircut in 3 years and the last thing I want to do is use the spare 30 minutes I get to color my grey hairs.
I went to college early, worked hard in my career, only to give everything I had to a narcissist who walked away with everything and left me with nothing but PTSD and three kids to undo the damage he has caused to them. I thought I would have a much different life than this. The system is broken, laws don’t protect or help single parents, your friends (if there are any left) don’t understand your situation, and people are constantly judging you and telling you ways to make it better.
Single parents are caught in the worst kind of hell that a solo parent or co-parent could never even understand. I wouldn’t want anyone in the world to walk in these shoes and the only way to prevent others from having to go through this is to change the system and the way it works. Parents should
not be let off from the obligations simply because their whim changed or because they feel like it. A child is a minimum of an 18 year commitment (really is a lifetime commitment, but for the sake of arguing I’ll call it 18 years). Smokers often commit to more than this, so why can a parent not commit this much? There should be sever penalties for walking away from your commitments of children and perhaps then there will be fewer of us single parents with all of the burden.
I appreciate the list of things to help a single mom. My sister is now a single mom and is having a hard time. I’ll try these tips out to make her life easier.