the toll my crappy divorce has taken on my son, Luca. I do think Luca came into the world wired to have certain issues, but growing up in a spectacularly bad divorce was the equivalent of resting those issues on a nice soft blankie in a petri dish and singing lullabyes to them.
My latest piece for Huffington Post Divorce ran last week. It was cross-posted on the AOL home page so it generated a lot of comments — over 700 at this point. In the post, I owned my shortcomings in my first marriage. I’m not a 12-stepper, but I was inspired by the 12-step idea of making amends to people you have harmed. Ideally, you make an amends either via letter or in person to the harmee. But if doing so would create more damage for any reason, you don’t.
Since my ex is a high-conflict personality, any admission of wrongdoing on my part would fuel more drama. It could also be something he could use in future litigation. Protocol for interacting with high-conflict exes is not to reveal anything that could be taken out of context and used against you. It simply isn’t safe or advisible.
I tried to make this clear in the article. Many people didn’t get the concept, or didn’t carefully read the piece. Some people skewered me: I was passive-aggressive; I lacked humility because I didn’t make an amends in person; I was a woman and all women think they’re perfect.
Some people had a different take. They said the article was refreshingly positive and showed maturity. Some felt that the amends was heartfelt and wished their ex said the same things to them.
Because the responses were so varied, it was almost as if people were reading different articles. Which reminded me of troll expert John Suler’s theory on trolls: they project their own issues, especially ones from unresolved relationships, onto the writer. Sometimes they even envision the writer as someone with whom they’re embroiled in conflict — a mother, sister, ex-wife, a coworker, etc.
Also, one could make the case that readers of the HuffPost Divorce section are not the most well-adjusted lot and are conflict-prone themselves.
Any sort of confessional writing leaves one open to attack. Divorce still carries a stigma and publicly airing one’s dirty divorce laundry invites extreme skewering. I know this, and I try to prepare for being slammed when I read the comments. But reading these latest comments made me feel particularly vile, like I needed to do a full-body loofah to scrape off the metaphorical garbage that the hecklers had thrown at me.
So I decided to gather my bruised psyche off the floor and go in pursuit of some levity. I found it when I scrolled through the comments. Here is a selection: balanced, hostile, bizarre, complete non sequitors, all with unedited spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
The Positive
1. “Finally, a divorce article on HuffPost where someone talks about their own mistakes instead of someone else’s. That is what a failed relationship is: two people making stupid mistakes, not just a victim and the abuser. Thank you for a very honest telling of your mistakes. Its not as if you are the only one who has ever made them.”
2. “This is one of the most helpful and meaningful posts to appear here in ages. Making peace with your ex-spouse, at least in your heart if nothing else, is the only way to be free of the past and enjoy a happy healthy future, post-divorce. It is impossible to be completely happy otherwise, and any wise person will run in the opposite direction to avoid dating someone who still harbors bitterness toward their former spouse.”
The Negative
3. “Don’t forget ‘I apologize for not putting out often enough’ … It’s not a stretch to think is where a lot of the other issues likely originated.”
4. “You really sound like an unbelievable bitch… at least you can see where you were wrong, I’ve learned from this article.”
5. “Are you sorry for beggering the guy with alimony and child support? No. We, out here, are not the ones you should be crying to, kiddo, so grow up, meet face to face, and tell him what you claim, to the rest of the world, that you’d like to tell him. Just, please, don’t bother us again.”
6. “She probably doesnt believe any of it but made good money from the publication.”
7. “She was definitely the cause of the split. I can’t prove it based on the article, but I would stake my life on it.”
The Bizarre
8. “Didn’t know what true happiness was until I married her and then it was to late until we got divorced and I found it again … I dated her sister and told her after we got divorced that her sister was better in bed than she was … She has never been so mad about anything in her life as that … I dated her Attorney who was handleing her divorce also, but not sleep together until it was final …”
9. “My exwife didn’t find out that I had sex with three of her closests friends till after we were separated.She only found out because one of their cars were in my drive way all night. Then she had the nerve to beat on the door that morning and demand to know why I was having sex with her friends.”
10. “Apology is nothing without reparation. Send money! For me, as a woman who totally accepts my part in creating a flawed marriage but not part in the giving-up on that marriage, I yearn for an apology and I’d be very open to accepting it if my former husband sent $200,000.”
The Bitter
11. “I’d like to tell my ex he completely lived up to being the ass I figured he probably always was.”
The Utlitarian
12. “Being a single man, I can tell you that it is not economical to remain single. You really take a bath on your Taxes.”
The Woman-Haters
13. “Feminists pride has destroyed so many marriages across the country. It’s responsible for why there are so many single mothers in America.”
14. “Why is it that feminists said they don’t need men because of alternate forms of having children yet they never exploit these avenues? Adoption and insemination are primarily used by lesbians and couples with medical conditions.”
15. “Many females are by nature mentally unstable, inherently deceitful. My dad, a geneticist/ psychiatrist; Wrote a book in the 70’s chemically outlining women’s brains. He discovered females experience chemical changes identical to schizophrenia, 14 days of every month. Prepubescent, to menopause, Bluntly, women are clinically insane half their lives.”
There are so many fabulously outrageous comments from which to choose a favorite, but if pressed, I’d have to go with #15.
Should I Take the HuffPost Heat or Get Out of the Kitchen?
Despite the fact that reading HuffPost comments is akin to being disemboweled, I don’t intend to stop writing for the site. My editor is lovely; being published on HuffPost drives trafffic to my site; being cross-linked to AOL is a great boost to my middle-aged ego.
I’d love to hear other bloggers’ experiences of being lambasted for their opinions. Have you developed a thick-enough hide so the barbs don’t bother you? Do you write mostly non-controversial material so you don’t inspire backlash? Do you think that bloggers should be prepared to take the heat or get out of the blogging kitchen?
I’m not a blogger–at least not in a serious way–so I can’t fully empathize, but I will say this: I’m fairly certain the Internet will make me a misanthrope. Since the introduction of Facebook, and of blogs where readers are invited to comment, I have seen so many incredibly stupid, thoughtless, misguided, ridiculous, inaccurate, and shameful things written that I’ve lost a lot of faith in humanity–or at least in my fellow Americans. I’m glad you don’t intend to stop writing, but you might consider not reading the comments section on your articles.
As a blogger, I’ve developed less sensitivity to negative comments and personal attacks. But, they still can sting and I have to keep perspective. Trolls are the worst. I haven’t changed my writing at all because of the haters. Great piece!
Michele — good suggestion! It’s sort of an exercise in masochism to keep reading.
I’m not a blogger–at least not in a serious way–so I can’t fully empathize, but I will say this: I’m fairly certain the Internet will make me a misanthrope. Since the introduction of Facebook, and of blogs where readers are invited to comment, I have seen so many incredibly stupid, thoughtless, misguided, ridiculous, inaccurate, and shameful things written that I’ve lost a lot of faith in humanity–or at least in my fellow Americans. I’m glad you don’t intend to stop writing, but you might consider not reading the comments section on your articles.
As a blogger, I have experienced some pretty mean comments in my three month existence. When one of my blogs recently went semi-viral (18,000 hits in 24 hours), I was amazed at some of the backlash! How could I get such a wide range of comments from so many on the SAME article! It made me appreciate how hard it must be to be the President. There is NO WAY he can ever please everyone. I wrote this blog as a response to it all – “What blogging has taught me about being popular.” You should resonate with this… Enjoy!http://rodarters.wordpress.com/2012/07/30/what-blogging-has-taught-me-about-being-popular/
Hi Pauline, I like the piece you wrote. I think when it comes to this blogging thing, we have to decide why we’re doing it and if it’s worth putting yourself out there for others to criticize or shit on. If you’re after the traffic to your site then great, huffington post is spectacular but if you’re writing for your own release and to help people in similar circumstances, I would question whether it’s worth taking in the nastiness of strangers. But I guess I believe in writing what’s in your heart whether it’s controversial or not.
I had a couple of experiences with trolls. It’s totally true that they project their own issues onto the post. I long for the non anonymous comment to become the norm; I think it would cut down significantly on the crazy. Then again, given what many of our politicians have been saying lately, I guess you can spit out troll like comments completely unself-consciously, even while on camera. To hell with those trolls, anyway. Keep writing.
Just read your post, Rod, and I can see why it went viral. It touches such a universal chord, the need for all of us to feel accepted, and the temptation to compromise ourselves in order to feel that way. I admire your determination to stay true to yourself.
I could totally relate to what you said. I feel the same way about my ex. If I were to apologize to him (more than I have already tried to) he would take my apology as an admission of “guilt” or will throw it back in my face in the future in an argument. We’re only supposed to be in contact through Our Family Wizard, so everything I say is in writing for him to print out and put under the noses of anyone he deems worthy of reading how I might openly admit to being a horrible person. Sad, but that’s how it is. Keep writing and don’t listen to the haters… they’re just projecting their own issues back on you.
I could totally relate to what you said. I feel the same way about my ex. If I were to apologize to him (more than I have already tried to) he would take my apology as an admission of “guilt” or will throw it back in my face in the future in an argument. We’re only supposed to be in contact through Our Family Wizard, so everything I say is in writing for him to print out and put under the noses of anyone he deems worthy of reading how I might openly admit to being a horrible person. Sad, but that’s how it is. Keep writing and don’t listen to the haters… they’re just projecting their own issues back on you.
Exactl, Frannie — the apology will always be turned into an admission of guilt. Which is why unresolved divorce mishigas stays unresolved.
I make a conscious effort to steer away from controversial posts. I don’t like reading them, I don’t like the comments they garner, and I don’t like writing them really, truly. I think they’re an invitation for the worse and I don’t like doing that to myself.
Just because a piece isn’t controversial doesn’t make it uninteresting so I’m not really sure why there’s such a push for controversial pieces except as traffic builders which would be one reason my blog isn’t crazy swamped with traffic but that’s ok with me. The traffic I do get is amazing and supportive and so helpful. I just think the cons that come with controversy far outweigh the meager pros.
But I’m a pansy that way
I read the HP divorce section with great enthusiasm from its onset since I was still in a very challenging part of my divorce then. I found nothing there but blandness. I haven’t read it for months, but I get so much more out of your blog. I have to think you’re an asset to them. HOWEVER, I do hope you take care of yourself and do what is good for you.
Thank you, Denise. I have to say after this last post — which came from a place of accountability, the kind of post you would think wouldn’t rub people the wrong way — I’m re-thinking what I want to post there.
One of the joys of blogging on the Huffington Post is coming into contact with THE most bizarre people on the Internet. I’ve learned to take their comments with a big grain of salt – though I’ve never had the quantity of responses that you did! You are a great blogger and write your truth, and people react to that – both good and bad. Divorce as a topic, I might add, is a lightning rod for lunatics.
It does bring out the crazies, that’s for sure, Sharon.
I occasionally get negative comments, but it doesn’t happen all that often now. I have noticed, though, that bigger publications like HuffPost are just breeding grounds for negative stuff — it’s truly unbelievable and sometimes downright depressing, so now I almost NEVER read comments after articles. I think my favorite was #15, too. It reminded me of one of my negative commenters who was responding to an openly political post I wrote a few years ago about education and Finland or something or other. She said, “…OK – we first need to get rid of about $295,000,000 people, impose a state religion, and make sure the group is ethnically homogeneous and wallah a perfect system. Such intellectual absurdity.” — incredibly condescending, but it was the “wallah” that completely cracked me up! I think she meant “voila,” so I happily corrected her and felt triumphant in a passive-aggressive sort of way.
“Wallah!” I LOVE it! And, yes, the rabid commenters tend to not be able to spell or have any understanding of grammar.
I’m a HuffPo blogger, too, and a good friend hipped me to this piece of yours. (She probably figured it would be therapeutic for me to see that I’m not the only one who gets some doozies.) Even though I often write about politics and social issues, the most vitriolic comments I’ve received were in response to pieces that make clear I am a divorced single mom. Some of the comments sound a lot like the ones you’ve featured in this piece. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were written by the same people. In any event, keep the faith and don’t stop writing about what your gut tells you needs to be said.
Christina, the venom directed towards divorcd mothers on HuffPo is crazy. I think a lot of the comments are from the same Men’s Rights guys who are convinced all divorced women are evil parasites who refuse to work so they can live off child support. It’s tiresome, isn’t it?
I loved your article! My experience is very different from yours, but that doesn’t matter. It was honest and beautiful.
My one piece to get posted on HuffPo was on education, and pretty much the same thing happened there; the comments ran the gamut from extremely hateful to very supportive to totally off-topic!
It makes me glad that I’m not bigger in the blogosphere, frankly. I know that if I spent more time on blogging and social media, I could probably make more money at it, but I don’t think I could take these kinds of hits on a daily basis.