I’m lucky.
I live in a 3-bedroom townhouse with a dreamy master bedroom and two bedrooms for my kids. Franny can open the back door and run onto the quad shared by several other townhomes, where she will find one or more of her girl posse. Because our complex is gated, I can shout at her to come back before it gets dark and not worry.
Where else in a big city can you find that?
Last night I laid in bed in my soothing cocoon of a bedroom watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. These days I relate to Walter White because I’m feeling slightly terminal. Not, knock on wood, from a life-threatening disease, unless you count Prince, but from the hemorraging of my savings account.
Without child support, I am plowing through savings. My monthly take-home pay just covers my rent and utilities (rents in a decent neighborhood where I live are obscenely expensive). Unless I can find another income stream in the next several months, I will have run through my savings and will have to move out of my townhouse.
Into something much smaller. Like a one-bedroom, or even a studio. In which case I will not have bedrooms for my kids. In which case they may have to live with Prince. Because I won’t have money for food or childcare.
This is not a good situation. Because if my kids have to live with Prince, I will have to pay him child support.
That’s right. I will have to pay my ex, the one with two homes — the two homes that probably have over a million in equity — and two cars and a lifestyle that just this summer has afforded him a cruise and a yacht trip and a resort vacation…I will have to pay that ex child support.
I know that because I met with a new lawyer on Friday. A new lawyer that I wished I’d had all along after she listed the ways I’d been screwed over in both the original settlement and the custody battle.
The prospect of having to move yet again, and let Prince have my kids — in which case he will spin the narrative that I have abandoned them — is so blood-boilingly heinous that cooking meth sounds like a perfectly reasonable endeavor.
Since I know nothing about cooking meth, however, I’m facing the prospect of taking Prince to court to modify child support. But first I have to request his tax returns and an Income and Expense declaration and see if he’s made any money — doubtful — and, if he hasn’t, figure out how he’s maintaining his jet-setty lifestyle.
And if I can’t figure it out, or prove what I’ve figured out, or convince the judge to order Prince to take equity out of one of his 7-figure homes so that he can pay child support, I will have to leave my home. The home I’ve lived in just long enough to have grown to love. And I will have to send my kids to live with their rich dad all because he doesn’t pay child support.
Maybe starting a meth lab isn’t such a bad idea.
Today, I’m thankful for my home.
Man, that sucks. I’m so sorry you got screwed in the original divorce.
Me too!!
Yes that stinks. I wish I could go back and tell myself to get a different lawyer too…. and tell myself what really needs to be in the custody agreement not just the things that I though at the time were important. Because I let way too many things slide…….
It’s tricky, because the longer you fight, the more money you spend so you have to weigh that against how much you would gain. Although this time I’ll be mostly representing myself.
Insanity! It’s an awful feeling to not be able to put a roof over your child’s head. I’ve been unemployed for a year and a half. I’ve exhausted all of my benefits and have yet find a job. I don’t receive enough in child support to pay for rent. (I’m working on getting the support modified. About to serve my former-mistake a FL-396 to discover what he’s currently earning…..not that he’ll be forthright
Fortunately, a friend is letting my son and I stay at his house until I can get on my feet. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, in a way humbling and I’d rather be in this temporary situation then still be married to a passive aggressive, narcissistic alcoholic. I’ve been In Pro Per throughout the entire divorce process and advocated for myself well. I found my voice, used it and politely spoke my truth before the judges (despite push back from the former-mistake and his very expense, inept attorney). I had evidence to back up what I said and the judges ruled based on the information I provided. All in all, I believe in a larger, caring force that is bigger than all of this chaos. Whatever comes our way, we will be ok.
You rock, Jyllian!
You have to ask yourself if you really want to put yourself through another court battle again. He can bury you for years in legal quagmire while you hemmorage $$ to an attorney. Not to mention the emotional toll it will take on you…
Is there any other way? Sometimes there isnt. But since our legal system is essentially a money making macine for attorneys, law guardians, etc…just explore all your options before you move forward. And if you do, know there are a lot of us rooting for you!!
Either I have to represent myself or run a brothel.
Pauline, your sense of humor helps keep the despair at bay. I thought about webcam modeling…..fortunately the thought passed. I will leave my dignity in tact and know that this too shall pass.
My little Hoarders home sits 9 feet off of a busy street. It has a cute porch. People walk and drive by. On some dark days I wonder if I could make some extra money . . . Just saying.
Pauline, I am sorry things are so dire. I currently live in an affordable-but-decidedly-lacking-in-charm 2 bedroom apartment with my teenage daughter. I often wish I could afford a small house or townhouse with a yard, and sometimes think it would be great if I could find another single mom to rent a house together. Perhaps this might be an option for you? I know we’re too old to have roommates but it’s better than losing your kids.
I’ve thought of the roommate scenario. There really should be some sort of community house for single moms and their kids. Think how many people could benefit.
If you do go down this road, make sure that you get complete tax returns going as far back as 2009. In 2009, the IRS started an offshore voluntary disclosure program that allowed people who “didn’t know” that their off shore accounts were taxable amnesty. If your ex was hiding money, he may have disclosed it because the IRS threatened serious jail time. As a tax preparer I am now required by law to ask clients if they have money or assets in foreign countries.
Great advice, Marie! Thank you!
My heart goes out to you. I’m embroiled in divorce aftermath, but without custody issues. The tax return intrigue has heated up in my case, though, and I, too, may be forced to move after the unilateral alimony reduction–not something I look forward to since I care for my mom, and this house is tailored for her needs. I am wishing you the absolute best of luck.
Divorce: the gift that keeps on giving!
Geez… our system is so utterly !@#*ed up. This should not be allowed to happen, yet it does. Our system needs to take a holistic approach. They are hurting families more than they are helping, or at least that is the way I see it. My thoughts are with you and sending positive thoughts your way. Here’s to hoping you get a random windfall. You are such a good writer, maybe you can write something and get it published.
This really sucks for you. Most of his income is probably generated by the family trust. He can potentially receive millions tax free. If his homes are owned by the trust you can go online and find the name of the trust. The trust would file a 1041. The income he receives would only show up on a 1040 (the form that individuals file) if it is reported on a schedule K. Tax free gifts from the trust (family) might be on the 1041. You probably already know all this, but it is worth sharing for anyone who is new to the world of trust funds.
I do not understand the mindset of your ex-husband. He should want his children to have a nice place to live. If he doesn’t want you to have his money, he could write a check directly to your landlord. What a shit.
Right — but he couldn’t write that off for taxes which is his main concern
THANK YOU! Yes, I will be wading through all this info after I request the tax returns. Good times.
I’m so sorry….. I’m trying to keep a roof over my head too. I HATE to worry about money and this has really been the hardest part of the divorce for me. When the gas gets low in my car I panic. Seriously, panic, because it cost so much to fill it up. I drive all over for work and do carpools at 2 schools. I’m juggling the best I can. I know the emotional energy it will take to deal with him again, but what an absolute huge giant asshole that guy is. Sending ++++ energy your way.
I am so sorry! It is just not fair, kind or honest. How can people be so mean to those they once promised to love? My husband just left me after 37 years of marriage. I was a dependent spouse. He was a pastor for 20….go figure?
You will be in my prayers Pauline (God knows who you are:-) Please put me in yours
Thank you, Kathy — and I will.
Before you rented this townhouse, did you not see that you could not afford it? If your take home pay just covers the expenses for the place, how on earth did you expect to pay other expenses? And did you not just take a vacation?
I am hoping that you find another job, whether it is at a Starbucks or as a tutor, to bring in the money needed for food and gas. Beyond that, it’s going to just be bare sustenance until you get a higher paying job.
And, no, it isn’t going to look good, if you have to move again so soon because you can’t afford this place unless something happened between the moves that was not forseeable. I wish you luck.
No three-bedroom in a decent neighborhood is affordable where I live; I believe I have the best deal around. However, they would be affordable if I had child support, which I should have given my ex’s financial resources. Yes, I took my kids on a two-night vacation. We drove. I went because I felt it may be the last vacation I could take them on for the unforeseeable future. That, to me, was worth the relatively small amount of money I spent. I work full-time and see private clients on the side. The only way I could work more is if I worked at nights. That would mean paying for childcare, which would eat away at extra income, and my daugher would hardly ever see me. Then my ex could say I’m working too much…these are problems that would go away with sufficient child support, which my ex is more than able to provide — that is, after all, in the best interest of the children. I’m not sure what your animosity is about, but it seems to be misdirected.
No animosity. The problem is that if a place is not affordable, you are going to be even more behind the eight ball. There comes a point in time when savings run out. You end up in a two bedroom in a not so nice neighborhood if that’s all you can afford. You sleep in the living and let Lucas have your room when he’s with you. Or convert the dining room into a space for yourself. Look for flexible work that you can do when Prince has your daughter. House cleaning is an option, tutoring, something. I have a son who has to have a flexible schedule as he is an audtioning actor. It’s tough but he does barely make ends meet.
Whether you should have gotten the child support or not, the fact is that you did not. You can give it another go in court, and see how it goes, but, you now how it can go.
I know a lot of people like Prince who are living off of family money. My friend just got reamed this way. No, grandparents’ money doesn’t count. My MIL has lived a good part of her life on family money, yet my husband was eligible for financial aid, and she got all kinds of benefits because those kind of handouts when done a certain way are loopholes in the law. It’s just the way it is.
I hope when you go after Prince again for any money, you get more. But as you know, you also have a lot to lose. My friend lost both of her children and, yes, had to pay her well to do ex. Her kids, as they got older, don’t seem to want to spend time with her at all as she has money problems. She’s been desperately looking for another “Prince” for years as she is not capable of making the money needed to live the way she wants.
I’m not against you. Just stating facts you well know. If you are so irresponsible to rent a place that you clearly can’t afford, it’s a strike against you. In court, if you have to rent a small place in a bad neighborhood because it clearly is all you can afford, that is not going to be used against you. Lack of means doesn’t get held against a parent, but bad judgement does.
Frankly, Prince seems to be the more stable person of the two of you when you write out just the facts. Having the siblings together might well be the better way to go. Thank goodness that Lucas has grandparents that could afford to send him to private care that he got. You would not have been able to afford that.
p.s. I should also mentioned that my ex pressured me into buying a house with him after we divorced so the kids would have a “stable” home, refused to pay any part of the mortage, property tax, or insurance, and then refused to let me stay in it when Atticus and I remarried, so we had to move. If he had cared about the kids’ stability he would not have foisted another move on them. SO, who’s selfish?
Aw, man. I just can’t with this guy.
Pauline, I love your blog – can you have ads here? Wouldn’t that bring in some cash?
Thank you! And, yes, I do have ads, you can see them on the right margin…you have to have a lot of them, though, and really big traffic to make significant money.